Thursday, June 29, 2006

Flower Arranging

I knew it was never going to be popular, and that I was going to get the blame.

'Shoot the messenger' is always the reaction.

However, in another dopey Starfleet directive, senior staff have to learn flower arranging in order to relieve the stress that they face each day.

To say the least, the announcement didn't go down too well.

"I am a Klingon warrior, not a flower arranger!" was the reaction from Worf.

Nonetheless, we all turn up for Flower Arranging class. A scatty woman is there.

"Hello" she says, "I am Victoria, and I will be your tutor for the class."

Worf mutters a few Klingon expletives under his breath that I can't possibly repeat. Seven looks annoyed as well.

"It is little wonder that the Borg are supreme." she says, "When our opponents are interesting in arranging flowers."

"I'm sure Annika Hansen liked flowers as a little girl." I say to her. Bad mistake.

"That is irrelevant!" she snaps, "We are Borg!"

"Now, then class" continues Victoria, "Can we get on with the lesson?"

We each have a pile of flowers in front of us and a vase, and we are told to put them in after the basic lesson we have had."

"How this will help us in times of battle, I fail to see." mumbles Worf.

"Mr Worf," says Victoria, "Your mind will be eased and in better condition to face them. The stress of the day will be behind you."

"The great Klingon warrior Kahless hardly needed to learn flower arranging to go on his battles."

"He might have killed a few more if he had" replies Victoria with a smile.

A few moments elapse while we work away at our flowers.

"Time's up!" Victoria announces. "I'll come and inspect your efforts."

She comes to mine first.

"Oh, dear, Captain." Victoria says sadly, "I thought you might do a little better. They are all over the place. You need to work harder."

Then to Riker.

"Not bad, Commander." she comments, "You should have remembered that the Kvazian Pink Lily is meant to be placed upside down."

Then to Data.

"Rather disappointing, Mr Data." she tells him, "I thought you might have better knowledge of flowers."

"I did not have time to download a flower arranging program into my positronic brain." he replies.

Then to Geordi.

"You have a good style, Mr LaForge." she notes, "Fairly promising."

Then to Beverly.

"That is rather inept, Doctor Crusher." she tells her sharply, "You have absolutely no talent in flower arranging whatsoever."

Beverly bursts into tears. I console her as she weeps on my shoulder.

"I think that was a little strong, Victoria." I say.

Then to Jadzia.

"You have a good way with flowers, Miss Dax." she says, "Though I've never seen a Garanian Flower twisted in that way before."

Then to Worf,

"What a wonderful design, Mr Worf" she comments, "If I didn't know better, I would say you've always been an expert at fllower arranging."

Worf goes red-faced and mutters.

Finally, Victoria goes to Seven.

"This is absolutely stunning!" she says, "I've never seen such a beautiful arrangement as this in all my years! They way you combine the Tarbatian Dragon Flower with the Vitawan Orchid is amazing!"

Seven remains unintersted.

"Well done, Seven" I tell her, "How did you learn such a technique?"

"From a race that we assimilated." she says.

"Does that mean the Borg are expert flower arrangers?" laughs Riker.

Seven looks disgusted.

"Flower arranging is irrelevent!" she tells us, before walking out.

28 comments:

Me said...

I agree with Seven, flower arranging in irrelevent. I just toss 'em in a old jelly jar and sniff.

A Army Of (Cl)One said...

"Kvazian Pink Lily is meant to be placed upside down"

Too many Kirk/Ryker jokes leaping into my brain. It hurts ... it hurts.

Trinity13 said...

Poor Bev...at least she is talented in a lot of others places...right Capt?!!!

DagniroVanaliel said...

*chokes*

Poor Worf... I wonder where he got so talented?

I'm sure yours looked beautiful anyway, Captain. *grins*

Jaime H. said...

LOLOL!!!

I love Seven!

no_average_girl said...

She was just picking on your, Captain! Good thing she didn't love it, Dr. Crusher would've been jealous!

Nic said...

Heehee! Maybe Seven and Worf can do the arranging for any upcoming celebrations on board like...COUGHweddingsCOUGH.

(SR71)Atomica said...

LOL...You know, this reminds me of the days when I used to grow lots of perennials and lilies and bulbs and ferns at my old house some years ago.
I had all kinds of roses everywhere, lilies, tulips, daffodils, crocosmias, daylilies, coreopsis, coneflowers, hardy hibiscus, ferns, even ornamental grasses like the Pampas grass and the Japanese bloodgrass, the last of those growing to about 12 to 18 inches and having red blades...
I imagine the Starfleet crew would have had a field day in trying to decide which flowers to work with first...Riker, Worf, Seven, and the rest of the lot might have even worked to integrate some of the waterlilies and lotuses from my lawn ponds into their arrangements...

Mykol said...

Strange how a borg would be the best in a flower arranging class. Oh man! My blog seems pathetic compared to this!

Miss Cellania said...

I believe Worf and Seven doth protest too much!

emi said...

It makes total sense that Seven should be good at flower arranging. She would have automatic expertise in anything an assimilated race can do.

All she needs to do now is assimilate a race with a sense of humor!

Florence said...

Captain, it seems scatty teachers have high standands!

Perhaps you could inform the crew that Japanese Ikebana (sticking flowers - flower arranging) is a high art on the mediation of life and form. No self respecting samarai would be without one in his tokonoma (place of honour). Perhaps its study could develop the mind to be able to form such elegant strategies as the Picard Manoevre? humm... Some old wariors used to think so.

Aunty Marianne said...

This post USELESS without pictures. We want pictures of flower arrangements. And then we want to guess whose was whose.

Ciera said...

Great post Jean-Luc...I've always thought you were a good shoulder to cry on... :)

I like Aunty Marianne's idea of pictues and trying to gues who's is who... :) :) :)

Paperback Writer said...

Are y'all going to learn how to knit too? Do I sense gardening in your future?

The Curmudgeon said...

I think Seven has experience weaving garlands of flowers for the Borg Queen and she just doesn't want to admit it.

Interesting comment from florence, too, don't you think, Captain?

Jean-Luc Picard said...

Kelly, I don't think Victoria would like your style.

Trin, I really don't know what you mean (red faced).

Nic, I don't think Seven & Worf would be too interested in doing flowers for a wedding. Neither wouls live it down from their peers.

Mike, thanks for the compliment.

Miss Cellania, they doth protest indeed.

Emi, it seems the Borg have assimilated races with no senses of humour.

Florence, an excellent comment.

Aunty Marianne, Seven & Worf would be very displeasede if I shown pictures of their masterpieces.

Ciera, thanks for that.

Paperback writer, I don't think even I can get Worf to a knitting class, but you never know....

Curmudgeon, your comment made me laugh.

Merlyn Gabriel said...

I wonder if it be worth while suggesting this method of relaxation to Lord Vader? I can't really imagine him arranging a nice Vase full of Corellian lillies and Nubian Star Astors, can you? He'd probably cheat and use the force though...

It doesn't surprise me that seven would win this weird little non contest contest.... after all assimilation has its advantages...but you are so right,the borg seem to be allergic to races with humour....


Good that Beverly has you Captain, but she might need to learn to take critiques a tad better and Victoria should be shoved out the nearest airlock for being so bad at giving a GOOD critique at all...

gosh did I just say that? Must be a dark side day!

Hugs
merly

Viamarie said...

Absolutely right! You all could have used your valuable time doing other things than flower arranging.

Am curious...what will happen to those who did not do well? Is there a penalty?

M. C. Pearson said...

LOL...poor Bev. Hope you consoled her well.

I'd like to see Seven paint.

Baking and Books said...

Oh my, just imagining Worf arranging flowers!! It might as well been ballet, lol.

And I think that is exactly what Seven would say.

Kestrel

Professor Xavier said...

Flower arraigning? And here I thought space travel would be exciting.

Raehan said...

Oh, do a follow-up post on yoga. That might relax them.

Raehan said...

Oh, do a follow-up post on yoga. That might relax them.

They definitely need something.....

Superstar said...

Capitan: Isee that Deep space Nine and the TNG had a bit of re-assignment!

Flower arranging??? Far cry from Drinking your earl gray tea and reading some Moby Dick. ;o)

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