I really don't know why I have to do this; I'm the Captain. Surely I should be able to delegate this to a minion.
No, I can't; Starfleet Command insist that I give the tour of the Enterprise to new Academy Cadets. As the flagship of the fleet, we are supposed to show them the best that we have.
I hope these are better than the last lot; they were a right shower.
Five beam on; they are introduced as Vince, Pammy, Karena, Garlen and Ted.
Vince and Pammy are dressed and black and have dark make up on. Karena is an Amazonian-type warrior woman from the planet Wondawowman, Garlen is a Vulcan, and Ted is just a blank-looking individual.
"Welcome to the Enterprise" I tell them, "I'm Captain Jean-Luc Picard. and I will be showing you around this starship."
Vince kisses Pammy and they clinch for some time.
"Pay attention!" I tell them.
"We're Goths, Picard" says Vince, "We tend to do our own thing around here."
"It is not logical to behave like that" Garlen informs them.
"Blow it out of your ears, Vulcan!" replies Pammy, who giggles away with Vince.
Karena steps forward, hits Vince who slams against the walls, and then throws Pammy down the corridor.
"You will obey the Captain!" she tells them, "We are here to learn."
Ted says nothing, but writes it all down in his his pad; I suspect he's one of those who write things, but never digest anything.
The tour goes on; we go to SickBay. There, Vince and Pammy ask about what sort of drugs are available there, Karena has little interest, Garlen makes a comment that it all looks rather primative compared to Vulcan. Ted writes it all down.
We go down to the Brig. Vince and Pammy are keen to leave that area. Garlen bends the bars a little; Karena breaks them completely. Ted writes it all down.
Next to Engineering. Geordi looks worried when the entourage arrives. I don't think he likes the idea of visitors interfering with everything.
"This is real cool, Vince" says Pammy.
"Sure, baby" he replies, "This is what makes this crate go."
Geordi looks indignant.
"I think it's time to go to the Bridge." I tell them.
When we get there, they all look around curiously.
"This is the nerve centre of the Enterprise" I inform them, "All decisions come from here, with me sitting at the Captain's Chair"
"I wanna be Captain and fly this crate" Vince informs me, "Pammy, you can be my Commanding Officer."
"Oh, sure, Captain Vince" she giggles.
"You would have to work very hard to get to such a position." Garlen tells them, "Neither have you have the intelligence to get to such a post. Only I could possibly achieve this position."
A scuffle starts to break out. Lieutenant Worf moves forward to stop it, but is beaten to the intervention by Karena, who separates the individual. Ted looks carefully and writes all the details down.
"I think we're going to have trouble with Vince and Pammy" whispers Riker.
"I agree, Number One, but I think I know a solution."
I quietly use my Com badge, and tell the Cadets that it is time to meet someone.
We all walk down the corridor. Seven Of Nine approaches. Hopefully, she will say what I asked her to.
"This is Seven Of Nine." I inform them.
Vince and Pammy took absolutely terrified.
"It's a Borg drone!" They both say.
"Do you wish me to assimmilate any of these individuals" asks Seven.
"Err, no thank you" I answer, "But I'll let you know if I need you to."
Seven calmly walks away. Vince and Pammy are shaking.
"We have very strict methods of discipline on this ship" I tell them, "Well, students, the tour is over. Thank you for visiting the Enterprise."
Vince, Pammy, and even Garlen and Karena look troubled. Surpisingly, Ted shows no emotion. As the other students get ready to beam off the ship, he comes over to me.
"Well done, Captain" says Ted, "You handled those Cadets very well. I'm not really a Cadet, but was placed amongst them to see how you'd react in handling some difficult people."
"You might have told me" I complain.
"You wouldn't have behaved the same way if I had." he tells me, "I must say, though, at the Academy, we can hardly threaten to use a Borg drone on them as punishment."