Sunday, June 04, 2006

What If...? (Part One)

I'm lying in bed after another hard day commanding the Enterprise.

Now it's the time to relax....

A heavy metal rock band suddenly appear in the room and drive my senses mad.

Q appears as the lead singer, with dark glasses and a beard.

"Bonjour mon Capitaine!" he says cheerfully, "I thought you'd appreciate a visit from your favourite resident of the Q Continuum. I know I like seeing my old pal, Jean-Luc."

"Go away, Q!" I tell him sharply, "Security will hear that noise and come in." I put my head under the pillow.

"No they won't, Jean-Luc." he laughs, "The sound is only for your ears. Those archaic Enterprise sensors won't notice me here. Now what shall we chat about?"

"Your iminent departure?" I suggest.

"You have a caustic wit, mon Capitaine" Q smiles, "Where would the Enterprise be without you?"

"Who knows" I say, "Probably in a poor condition."

"Oh, so you think you're that important, Jean-Luc?" Q teasingly laughs, "What do you think it would be like if you had never been born?"

"Destroyed, probably." I tell him.

"Do you want to see what the Enterprise would have been like if you had never been born?" Q challenges me.

"All right, Q", I tell him, "Let's see what it would have been like.

All of a sudden, I'm beginning to regret my big mouth. Too late now, idiot!


Both Q and I appear on the Bridge of the Enterprise. Both he and I are wearing Starfleet uniforms.

"Nobody can see or hear us, Jean-Luc." Q tells me. "Just enjoy what you see."

The decor is dreadful. A bright flourescent pattern. I would never have allowed that if I had been in charge.

Data is in my chair, and from the stars on his collar, he is the Captain. In the Commander's role is Worf. Beverly is third in thew Lieutenant Commander position. As she has occasionally filled the Captain's role on the night shift, this is no surprise.

I wonder where Riker is? Deanna isn't about either.

Geordi comes in.

"Engine's running to optimum efficiency, Captain Data." he says.

"Very good, Mr La Forge." states Data, "We shall be in time for our rendezvous with the USS Rhode Island"

Geordi is still in the same position; he always loved engines.

I look on Tactics; Jadzia Dax is in position there, checking out everything, looking as if she is keen to blast something in space to smithereens.

To my horror, the two at the helm are Wesley Crusher and Seven of Nine. Has Data had a short-circuit? Putting those two there is a recipe for disaster.

Q enjoys seeing the horror on my face.

"Perhaps our android friend trusts Seven and Wesley a lot more than you do, Jean-Luc" Q laughs, "They seem to be doing a good job from where I am watching."

"The USS Rhode Island is within transporter range, Captain." says Wesley.

"Good, Lieutenant Crusher." Data replies, "Have the Admiral and his wife beamed aboard. Be sure that plenty of donuts are made available while he is here."


We all go to the Transporter Room and I see the Admiral and his wife beamed aboard.

It's Riker and Deanna.

I groan and Q laughs away at my despair.


To be continued...


Jaime H. said...

Oh, this is brilliant!!! Yay, Q!!!

Ciera said...

The horror!!!

SnapShot said...

Absolutely fantastic!
Q needs a slap!
I can't believe I've found my hero's blog!

Lt. Cmdr Oneida said...

Well, at least Wesley isn't an Admiral, that could be a high point.

I wonder how pudgy Riker is now that he's plyed with donuts on every ship he goes to, probably not a pretty sight.

I have an antacid if you need one, Captain

Lepensky said...

Vampirella said...

so is q saying your holding everyne back?

I think he is making this up


Going somewhere?

Local Henchmen 432 said...

Dear Sir,

Don't worry I think that you are doing a good job with us at LGS.Dental for all.

Dr.Polaris rules.

The Rambling Bull said...

lmao.... Captain, this is frickin' awesome. One of the best posts yet. I've been reading your blog for a little while... I read all the archives. Can't wait for the continuation.

Daphne Wayne-Bough said...

When I was at school in the last millennium (stardate circa 1970) I wrote an episode of Star Trek with me and all my mates in it. The Enterprise landed in the school rounders field and we all got beamed up and had an Adventure and got off with our favourite officers. I landed Mr Chekhov (always a sucker for a foreign accent), Heather ended up with Spock and Pauline got Scotty. Nobody wanted Captain Kirk. I am heartily cheered to see that I was not a sad cow after all but 35 years ahead of my time. Keep up the good work, I will be a regular reader in future! (I haven't watched Star Trek for years but this blog is as funny as the original series).

jax said...

Captain, requesting permission to link your journal to my blog.

Trinity13 said...

Why can't Q just "take care of" Seven for you?!

The Curmudgeon said...

So: Were the Borg stopped or not at Wolf 359? And by whom? Admiral Riker, perhaps? Are Seven of Nine and the Borg Queen now assimilated into the Federation?

Perhaps Picard's brother didn't die in a fire after all... maybe he went into politics and is leading an Earth First movement to take Sol 3 out of the Federation. (Without his brother to fight with, he has to fight with someone, yes?)

I might have saved Beverly's appearance for later -- like Donna Reed's appearance in glasses and hat and sensible suit and shoes ("She's just closing up the library!) in It's A Wonderful Life.

But I look forward to your next installment, Captain.

no_average_girl said...

oh wow, captain...this is getting depressing! But one of them will make a mistake you would never have allowed to happen! :-)

Jean-Luc Picard said...

Jax, of course you can link to my Journal.

Curmudgeon. All that is giving me a headache.

No Average Girl, it is never meant to be depressing.

Jardena, I agree, it's a relief that Wes isn't an Admiral.

BarbaraFromCalifornia said...

Highsight: they used to say it was 20/20...Now that I am older, I would say more like 20/250~

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

Man, if those donuts were bacon filled, I am so there.

A Army Of (Cl)One said...

Hey, didn't Q already do this to you and amke you some pansy astronavagation nerd. He'll put all this back in the end, cuz he loves you to much ro Frack with your life.

And LOL on Riker! I bet he look like Elvis in 1976.

Melody Lam said...

MON DIEU! It's Q! Q deserves a kick where the sun don't shine.
I hope this isn't a lie he's showing Picard. And how did 7 ever get up there on the bridge on Alpha shift? Is she in love with Data?!
And Riker...whoa. I didn't know the Federation still had donuts. I thought they abolished those for a fit lifestyle!

Barbara said...

So Jean-Luc was keeping Riker down on the farm. Didn't know you didn't like Jadzia Jean-Luc.

emi said...

If Riker is on the Rhode Island, it can't be a very big ship!

Osquer said...

Oh Captain1 My Captain! This is wonderful! Q is one of my all time favorite characters! It's great to see him wreaking havoc again!

I know exactly what would have happened if you'd never been born. All of us would be sad! :(

Osquer said...

emi: If he's been eating all those donuts, it might have to be a VERY big ship!

Jean-Luc Picard said...

Melody, check my old posts. Seven (while still a Borg drone pre-Voyager has been put on the Enterprise to study human behavioue by the Borg Queen.

Barbara, you misread that. There is no animosity between me and Jadzia.

Osquer; you're right, the ship would need to be bigger for all the donuts Riker would eat!

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