The Starfleet Health & Safety Inspector is coming aboard to check to see whether the Enterprise conforms to current standards.
Naturally, he is coming via shuttle, as the transporter hasn't been examined by himself to see whether it is safe enough to use.
We are the there to great him.
"Hello" I say, "I am Captain Jean-Luc Pica..."
"No time for that!" he interrupts, "This ship could fall apart at any moment if I haven't checked it. If there is something wrong, we will have to evacuate the vessel right away. The name is Lieutenant Oxley; now lets get a move on!"
His nervous manner gets us all on edge as we follow him; he goes to Engineering first.
"This all looks very dangerous" Oxley says to Geordi, "What are the chances of a warp core breach happening, and us all being infected by radiation?"
"It's minimal, Lieutenant" says Geordi, "We have lots of safety alarms in place that alert us to a possible..."
"Only'minimal'!" replies Oxley, "I'd hope you were going to say 'non existant'. We'll have to close the warp core down and travel on impulse until it can be 100% checked."
Geordi looks at me pleadingly, but I know the Health & Safety representaives are very strong and determined.
"We'll close it down for now." I state guardingly. I've a hunch that Lieutenant Oxley is going to get on people's nerves. He is annoying me.
We then visit Ten Forward and Guinan.
"What about these replicators?" he asks.
"What about them, Lietenant?" says Guinan.
"Can you be sure that your crew aren't eating radioactive food? I'm sure you don't want them to go down with food poisoning during an alien attack?"
"No, but..." I stammer.
"Then all replicators need to be switched off and checked" says Oxley, "Until they are approved, the crew can only eat prepared food."
"But the chef can't cook over 1000 meals!" Guinan replies in protest.
"That's not my concern." he coldly comments, "Health and Safety is my concern, not feeding crewmembers. Just give them a simple soup, or something like that."
"There will be a riot, Captain." Guinan whispers quietly.
"I know" I reply, "Do your best to placate them."
Oxley visits the Cargo Bay where Seven and her alcove are located.
"Is this safe?" he asks me, "Having Borg technology around Enterprise items; we don't know what effect the items will have on ours. Besides that's she could do something to them."
Seven looks visibly annoyed.
"Can I assimilate this person, Locutus" she inquires, "He has insulted me."
"No, Seven; that's not possible." I reply.
Still, it's one character I wouldn't mind seeing as part of the Collective. He would probably destroy it in six months with his Health and Safety Regulations.
After going round many other places and closing down their operations and or annoying crew members, he comes to SickBay.
"This doesn't look very clean." Oxley states, without looking around.
Beverly gets angry.
"My SickBay is ALWAYS clean!" she says clearly.
"Well, what about that man?" he continues, pointing to the Holographic Doctor?, "He doesn't have a doctor's coat on."
"He's a hologram!" Beverly tells him with increased irritation.
Then I can tell she has an idea.
"What about you, Lieutenant?" she asks, "How do we know you haven't bought a virus aboard?"
"Of course I haven't!" replies Oxley.
"Nonetheless, we need to be sure." continues Beverly, as she winks at me, "My staff will give you a thorough examination; it might be a little painful, but I'm sure you'll agree that it's important.."
"Err...look, Captain." he pleads, "Just let me off this examination and I'll pass the Enterprise as allright for Health & Safety..."
"I don't know..." I say to myself, "It does seem irregular, but we'll take a risk and let you leave without a medical inspection."
"Thanks!" Oxley replies hurriedly, signs a Health & Safety Certificate and runs out of the door towards the shuttle.
"Good to know that the Enterprise has passed the Health & Safety again, Jean-Luc" Beverly comments with a smile.
"Sure is, Beverly." I reply, "I don't know how we keep doing it."