Thursday, October 19, 2006

In the Classroom

Today, I've got an unpleasant task ahead of me; I have to visit the Enterprise classroom.

As you may be aware, I've never been comfortable around children; they always make me very nervous. It's hard to talk to them. Give me an angry alien to fight any day!

I approach the classroom, and can hear Miss Parrish, the schoolteacher talking to the children.

"Now today is an important day," she says, "Captain Picard will be making a personal visit to this classroom, so I want you to be on your best behaviour."

A rousing cheer goes up as I enter the room.

Oh dear.

Miss Parrish, who is looking a little pale, comes up to me and smiles.

"The children have been looking forward to your visit, Captain. They are keen to ask you questions."

As I get ready, I notice that Miss Parrish looks very ill.

"Are you all right?" I ask. Why I say that, I don't know, when I can see she looks like she's been to a blood bank and couldn't say "no".

"I'm going to have to leave, Captain." she replies, "There is no other teacher around today, but don't worry, the children will be fine under your care."

With that, she runs out, holding her mouth.

Suddenly I'm faced with 2o children looking at me.

"Errr...hello." I say to them.

"Good morning, Captain Picard." they all say in unison.

Well they seem trained enough. I was going to call Deanna for help, bit these look easy enough handle.

"What lesson was Miss Parrish going to talk to you about, today?" I ask them.

"The human reproductive system." says one young boy, as everyone else giggles. I can see he will be trouble in this classroom.

"Err...I think we'll move on another subject." I reply, "What is your name?"

"Jeremy, Captain."

"Let's look at mathematics; what stage are you at?

"Quadratic equations and trigonomic theories as expressed with warp drive engines."

What's that mean?

"Err...I think we'll leave that until Miss Parrish returns." I tell them, "And rather than encroach on her skills, we'll go back to the question and answer session that we were meant to have before Miss Parrish left us. Put your hand up, tell me your name and the question you have, and I'll do my best to answer it."

Lots of hands go up, including Jeremy's. As I know I won't like his question, I do my best to avoid him.

"Amy. Do you like being Captain?" "Yes I do."

"Jessica. Have you killed scary aliens?" "Yes I have."

"Kevin. Does Commander Data have a spare battery in case he runs out of energy?". "His positronic brain takes care of all that."

And so it goes on. Jeremy is still putting his hand up, while I answer everyone else. Eventually, there is no alternative. I have to let him ask.

"Jeremy. My mom says you have the hots for Doctor Beverly Crusher. Is that right?"

I groan, but the school bell rings, and they all run out faster than the Engineering Section would if there were a Warp Core breach.

Talk about being saved by the bell.

I'll find out who Jeremy's mother is; she will be going on some unpleasant duty rosters.


The Curmudgeon said...

There must be some Jeffries tubes in need of cleaning, eh, Captain?

But don't send her on security duty on away teams! Jeremy is clearly a boy who needs maternal supervision.

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

Stick it to that gossiper, Cap. That'll show her.

Professor Xavier said...

What I do when the students' questions get out of line is simply erase their memories. It makes teaching class oh so much easier.

Camy Tang said...

Hey there, Captain, let me know how you like Dark Hour! I thought it was really good--a little slow moving at first, but well done.

Darth Nepharia said...

Well, Captain, you never answered the question: DO you have the hots for Doctor Beverly Crusher?

Nic said...

Heeheehee! Oh, the JOYS of being the Captain! You can do stuff like that. :) Only, make it during the day while Jeremy was at school. Being a single parent is tough when you can't spend time with your child.

Anonymous said...

well i thought i'd drop by to say hello captain. i am still looking for that redneck to galactic dictionary. when i find it i will translate some of this cause i don't know one flip you are talking about! but i will defend your right to say it with my dying breath............bee

Lahdeedah said...

I think you're upset because you DO have the hots for Beverley Crusher.

I think the two of you just need to get locked in a holodeck program, and a thermos or two of blood wine. A cup or two of Earl Grey, hot, just isn't going to cut it anymore mister.

Anonymous said...

The Emperor doesn't like kids either....he had Anakin take care of them :(

I am glad your methods are a little nicer. And you DO have the hots for really ...out of the mouths of babes. :)

The best way to counter questions like that is to ask the young boy who which girl he likes...

that would shut him up pretty fast.

The Mistress of the Dark said...

Small children make me itch. I feel your pain. Glad to see you made it through that experience unscathed.

Ellee said...

I bet you made their day. Kids do have a knack of keeping you grounded, it must have been a unique experience for you.

Jim McKee said...

That Jeremy sounds like Section 31 material, for sure!

Trinity13 said...

You should introduce Jeremy to Sevin!!!

Jean-Luc Picard said...

Jeremy is definately a precocious child, and perhaps Section 31 material, as Jim says.

As Captain, I have the right to say whether I have the hots for Beverly or not!

Trin, that is a good idea.

Ellee, Captain Picard and children never go well together.

MOTD, I agree with those thoughts.

Merlyn, 'out of the mouths of babes' is a great phase.

Lahdeedah, how true that is!

Empress Bee, though you might not be familiar with it, just read along and get used to it.

Nic, I can sense a big smile from you!

Nepharia, you know the answer, I'm sure.

Camy, glad you came again. I'm looking forward to 'Dark Hour'. Hope you'll drop in again.

Professor, good way round the problem.

Curmudgeon, it sounds like Jeremy needs some therapy.

carli said...

I kind of think it would be cool if Captain Picard switched places with Captain Stubing for a while, even if they are from different times.

Thanks for reminding me that I borrowed the new Nightmare Before Christmas CD and I need to download and return it to my co-worker. (I believe you were the narrator on that film, Captain.)

Michele sent me.

Carmi said...

That's why the bridge has a security officer: to keep these little munchkins from sneaking out of class and into the sacrosanct workplace.

Jaime H. said...

LOL! Captain, this just made my day!

Mother Jones RN said...

Kids! What can you do? I concluded a long time ago that God gave me the maternal instinct so I wouldn’t kill my young. Funny post!

May Winds said...

Let's just hope they don't come racing back to you for answer. Or to say the lest Jeremy, for one.

Summer Dawn O'Ciardha said...

Summer, Sir. While you were borg, how terrible was it to have to blend in with the rest of them, and be only a number and a name, instead of an actual person, sir?

Also, I love the teacher's name sir.

Jean-Luc Picard said...

Good question, Summer. Stay behind for detention.

Great answer, Mother Jones!

UngaMan said...

Ungaman, Sir... when you were a borg... did you have the hots for the borg queen?

pads said...

There's nothing like children to put one on the spot and ask embarrasing questions they always say things you don't want them too, my nine year olds an expert at it.

Love your blog captain

Love pads

Ps you think thats bad I was helping out at breakfast club the other day and a ten year old asked me if I had nit shampoo on my hair. Ever wished the ground would swallow you up

Jean-Luc Picard said...

Ungamon; you will stop laughing and report to the Principal.

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