Monday, May 01, 2006

My Performance Development Review

An Admiral has come on board to give me another Performance Development Review (PDR).

You can just imagine what it will NOT be like.. "Your're doing a great job, Captain and there have been no problems..in fact you've done so well, we'll promote you to Admiral."

Yes, that is fantasy, isn't it?

Coming on board is Admiral Hardman, the tough inquisatorial Starfleet Officer that tends to reduce staff to tears..even his superiors.

We go to Transporter Room 3 to welcome the Admiral, who beams aboard.

"Welcome to the Enterprise, Admiral" I say, "I'm Captain Pica..."

"I know who you are!" interrupts Hardman, "Dispense with the other staff and take me to your Ready Room so that we can get down to business."

As we go, I see Riker feeling his own collar as if he's imagining another star to be there when he is made to be Captain.

We both get to the Ready Room and sit down; Hardman reads all what he has on file to himself.

"We've got quite a lot about you, Captain" he begins, "You have been busy."

"Well, I have saved the universe a few times" I say.

"I don't mean that!" I replies, "I mean the amount of times you've deviated from official Starfleet procedures. Do you think you're the only one that has saved the universe? One of our Cadets in Starfleet Academy, Wesley Crusher, has done that more than you have."

I start to get annoyed. "That was just luck." I tell him.

"There's no need to be jealous over a Cadet, Captain." Hardman lectures me, "Wesley Crusher is a fine young man, and will be Captain before long. We need more people like him."

I have a stress pill.

"Now Captain, we haven't done very well, lately, have we?" he tells me.

"Why, what did you do wrong?" I ask.

"There's no need for that insubordination!" Hardman shouts, "I'll have you demoted back to Ensign if you're not too careful!"

"Now looking at your recent behaviour" he continues, "Your performance on the planet known as Paradisio was hardly commendable, was it?"

I look in surprise, "I thought that was...."

"Supressed, did you, Captain?" Hardman says, with a sadistic smile, "You should know that things like this are bound to get out. Starfleet find out eventually."

I sweat and have another stress pill.

"The sight of you in a loincloth wasn't a pretty sight" Hardman smiles, showing me the pictures, "Although the ones with Doctor Crusher and Counselor Troi were!" he says with a filthy laugh.

"You have to remember, Admiral" I tell him, "We were all under the influence of mind control gas at the time."

The Admiral sighs, as if he's heard it all before.

"You wanted to stay on this planet rather than rejoin Starfleet!" he tells me.

"It was because of the gas!" I continue. Clearly I'm talking, but he's not listening.

Admiral Hardman looks through all the female pictures of crewmembers in their loincloths. He thinks for a few moments.

"Are the aliens on the planet still there?" he asks me.

"No, Admiral" I tell him, "There were only a few, and they were taken to a Penal Colony"

"So that planet, with all the flowing waterfalls, fruit and green foliage is there, and anyone could move there, and have a life of paradise and could live in a loincloth for the rest of their days?" Hardman inquires.

"Err...I suppose so, Sir."

"Right, well in that case, Captain, watch your step and goodbye."

Admiral Hardman hurriedly leaves the Ready Room and beams off the Enterprise.

-----------------------

"I can't understand what happened to Hardman" says Admiral Greene.

He is talking to me hours later in the videoscreen.

"After coming back from the Enterprise, he went to his quarters, packed a small suitcase after getting two loincloths from the replicator and stolen a small ship. He collected his 20 year old wife. I think they went in the direction of the X2 system. Isn't that where you were recently, Captain?"

"Yes it was" I reply, "Quite a coincidence."

11 comments:

Trinity13 said...

Maybe you should mention the place to Wes as well! That would get him off your back!!!

Nettie said...

And I thought my performance review was a pain.

Vampirella said...

it seems the admiral was a little kettle call the pot black

Professor Xavier said...

We have a saying on my planet - "Poop rolls down hill" - or something like that. Basically it means that I am confident your crew, in the very near future, will be sharing your pain.

Vegeta said...

What did he just say Starfleet needs more like wesley? The man is Insane!

Wedge Antillies said...

So, the Admiral has a trophy wife and a place to retire. Lucky man. You know that if you are promoted you would leave the Enterprise and all your friends behind. Be careful what you wish for, Captain.

Jay said...

Even though this whole site is completely lost on me as I've never seen a single episode, even I can see that it was not a coincidence.

Jen said...

Whew!

Ciera said...

The man was clearly thinking of only one thing...loinclothes

Nic said...

Well, that's one down and oh, so many left to go. You'll get there one day Captain. I have faith in you!

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