We are about to take two mediators to Farag 6, where we are hoping they will be able to help settle an interplanetary war that has been going on for the last 57 years.
In Transporter Room 1, we all await to greet their arrival.
This should be an easy job to to; after all, what can be simpler than taking two peacemakers to another planet?
The two of them beam on; they are both dressed in white and are Orkanions. This race is known for their tact and diplomacy.
Oddly enough, they seem to be shouting at each other.
"I told you that it was my turn to the speech at the ceremony!" says one.
"It was you that did the speech last time, so now I get to go!" replies the other.
I attempt to interrupt.
"Welcome to the Enterprise" I tell them, "I'm Captain Jean-Luc Picard."
The first one shakes my hand and says, "Hello, I'm Zalek, pleased to meet you."
The other shouts at him again.
"Oh, sure! You go first! When it's someone important, you go first. Hello Captain. I'm Zarek. Ignore my assistant."
"Assistant!" shouts Zalek, "I'm the brains behind this team. Don't think you can get away by claiming the credit for this mission!"
"Brains?" replies Zarek, "Captain, this person has the brains of a Kalatian slug-worm."
The two of them start fighting each other.
"Gentlemen!" I plead, then look at Lieutenant Worf, who separates them. When he has done so, I talk to them.
"I thought you two were supposed to be mediators and peacemakers" I say, "All I've seen is constant arguments."
"The pleasantries are just for presentation and our missions" Zarek tells me, "In truth, I can't stand this talentless Haranian Squid."
"You call me talentless!" shouts Zalek, "I've covered for your ineptness on more than one occasion, you Garvarian Lice Moth. "
The room is full of shouting and Orkanian expletives.
"I think we might need Counselor Troi to help here, Captain" advises Worf.
Minutes later, the feuding pair are in Deanna Troi's office. I am watching, and Lieutenant Worf is standing by the door in case trouble breaks out. We don't want Starfleet's top mediators put in the Brig because they don't get on with each other.
"Now then" says Deanna, "Can you explain why the two of you don't get along?"
"He's incompetant!" replies Zarek.
"He's useless!" retorts Zalek.
"Those are not proper answers" Deanna tells them, "Zalek, can you tell me when you first started to get upset with Zarek?"
"It was in the Kalar Peace Initiative." he replies, "I noticed that Zarek was taking the credit for a lot of the ideas that I had put in."
Zarek glares at him.
"Zarek" continues Deanna, "When did you first start to get upset with Zalek?"
"It was before that Peace Initiative" he snaps, "A year before at the Asar Peace Conference. This Wavarian Dung Beetle of a person took all my ideas and presented them as his own."
"Did not!" shouts Zalek.
"Did too!" replies Zarek.
I groan, as I can sense what is coming.
The two plunge at each other, Deanna is caught in the middle. By the time Worf pulls them off, Deanna has a black eye.
"That's enough!" I say, "Mr Worf, take them to the Brig!"
Hours later, we are watching Zarek and Zalek negotiating on Farag 6 between the two sides. Both of them are friendly with each other and doing well.
"I don't understand it." says Riker, "They dislike one another so much."
"It's fascinating how everything looks when on public show, Number One."