Upgrading

Since Seven Of Nine was put on the Enterprise by the Borg Queen to study behaviour patterns by unassimilated people, I have felt very threatened.

I believe she she sees me as a potential target for her race.

-------------

I walk down the corridor on Deck 5; unfortunately, coming the other way is Seven.

"You!" she says, "The construction of you is fascinating. I will get a lot of brownie points from the Borg Queen when I return with you to Unimatrix 01."

"Thank you, Seven" I reply, "But I have no wish to join you with the Borg. We should go our separate ways when the time comes for you to be collected."

"We are the Borg!" she shouted, "You will come with me when I say so; resistance is futile!"

Jennifer Baxter appears on the scene. She is my girlfriend.

"What is going on here?" she exclaims, "What is this glorified one-eyed tin can doing shouting at you, dear Data?"

"Seven would like me to go with her to the Borg Cube when the Borg Queen comes to collect her, Jennifer,"

"Yes" says Seven, "His componants would be very useful to us. We haven't had a decent upgrade since Windows 2352 was installed."

"Oh, they would, would they?" Jennifer replies angrily, "Well listen to this, chalkhead; Data stays with me, here on the Enterprise. Do you want to make something of it?"

"You will be one of the first creatures we assimilate!" declares Seven, "I am slowly making a list of all those I want to put first into the Assimilation Chamber. You will be on it, Baxter!"

As the two start to exchange blows, I try to separate them. I see Captain Picard approach, but notice he groans and shakes his head. He turns round and goes back as if he does not want to get involved.

I go in to separate the two women, but everything suddenly stops.

------------------

I am up again, and my internal chronometer tells me that 25 minutes have elapsed. Jennifer is next to me. Her hair is a mess, she has a black eye and a scratch on her cheek.

"Sorry to switch you off, Data." she says, "But this was something you didn't wanted intervene on. It was a matter between two women."

"Where is Seven?" I ask.

"Currently in SickBay being repaired by Beverly" she replies, "I managed to tear at some of her wires which did her a little damage. Actually, I've done her a favour."

"What do you mean, Jennifer?"

"She has learnt a little about behaviour patterns; don't mess with an angry woman who protects her boyfriend."

She kisses me.

I believe I have learnt something as well; do not intervene between two ladies who dislike each other.

The Mediators

We are about to take two mediators to Farag 6, where we are hoping they will be able to help settle an interplanetary war that has been going on for the last 57 years.

In Transporter Room 1, we all await to greet their arrival.

This should be an easy job to to; after all, what can be simpler than taking two peacemakers to another planet?

The two of them beam on; they are both dressed in white and are Orkanions. This race is known for their tact and diplomacy.

Oddly enough, they seem to be shouting at each other.

"I told you that it was my turn to the speech at the ceremony!" says one.

"It was you that did the speech last time, so now I get to go!" replies the other.

I attempt to interrupt.

"Welcome to the Enterprise" I tell them, "I'm Captain Jean-Luc Picard."

The first one shakes my hand and says, "Hello, I'm Zalek, pleased to meet you."

The other shouts at him again.

"Oh, sure! You go first! When it's someone important, you go first. Hello Captain. I'm Zarek. Ignore my assistant."

"Assistant!" shouts Zalek, "I'm the brains behind this team. Don't think you can get away by claiming the credit for this mission!"

"Brains?" replies Zarek, "Captain, this person has the brains of a Kalatian slug-worm."

The two of them start fighting each other.

"Gentlemen!" I plead, then look at Lieutenant Worf, who separates them. When he has done so, I talk to them.

"I thought you two were supposed to be mediators and peacemakers" I say, "All I've seen is constant arguments."

"The pleasantries are just for presentation and our missions" Zarek tells me, "In truth, I can't stand this talentless Haranian Squid."

"You call me talentless!" shouts Zalek, "I've covered for your ineptness on more than one occasion, you Garvarian Lice Moth. "

The room is full of shouting and Orkanian expletives.

"I think we might need Counselor Troi to help here, Captain" advises Worf.

----------------------------

Minutes later, the feuding pair are in Deanna Troi's office. I am watching, and Lieutenant Worf is standing by the door in case trouble breaks out. We don't want Starfleet's top mediators put in the Brig because they don't get on with each other.

"Now then" says Deanna, "Can you explain why the two of you don't get along?"

"He's incompetant!" replies Zarek.

"He's useless!" retorts Zalek.

"Those are not proper answers" Deanna tells them, "Zalek, can you tell me when you first started to get upset with Zarek?"

"It was in the Kalar Peace Initiative." he replies, "I noticed that Zarek was taking the credit for a lot of the ideas that I had put in."

Zarek glares at him.

"Zarek" continues Deanna, "When did you first start to get upset with Zalek?"

"It was before that Peace Initiative" he snaps, "A year before at the Asar Peace Conference. This Wavarian Dung Beetle of a person took all my ideas and presented them as his own."

"Did not!" shouts Zalek.

"Did too!" replies Zarek.

I groan, as I can sense what is coming.

The two plunge at each other, Deanna is caught in the middle. By the time Worf pulls them off, Deanna has a black eye.

"That's enough!" I say, "Mr Worf, take them to the Brig!"

----------------------

Hours later, we are watching Zarek and Zalek negotiating on Farag 6 between the two sides. Both of them are friendly with each other and doing well.

"I don't understand it." says Riker, "They dislike one another so much."

"It's fascinating how everything looks when on public show, Number One."

TWQ: TV Comedy Moments

This time, TWQ (The Weekend Question) asks about classic tv comedy.

What classic moment can you recall in a tv comedy show?

My answers are:

Dad's Army: When the German asks Private Pike for his name to write in his list, and Captain Mainwaring says "Don't tell him, Pike". Voted one of the classic British tv comedy moments.

The Phil Silvers Show: When Bilko and his men are put in a tank to test deadly bees, but they think they are there for a singing contest.

Fawlty Towers: 'The Psychiatrist' episode produces too many funny moments to list.

Now it's over to you....

But before I go...

For any new members who have not seen it, here is something I found that you might enjoy. Have your speakers on for The Picard Song

Job Interview

The Cap has insisted that I attend a job interview; I've had so many notes saying I'm on a shortlist, although I have never applied for any of them.

"Nonsense, Number One!" says the Cap, "You really need to get yourself known in Starfleet. Before long, they will forget about you. After all, you don't want to stay Commander on this Starship, do you?"

"Actually, I like it here" I reply, "What Captaincy am I applying for here?"

"It doesn't matter" Picard says, "The important thing is it's the role of a Captain; you want that, don't you?"

"I suppose so." I tell him.

"Of course you do, Number One, "Remember that with the Captain's position, you get a key to the Executive Washroom at Starfleet Headquarters."

I brighten up. "Do I?"

"Absolutely!"

"In that case." I tell him, "I'll go."

-----------------------------------

I'm now at Starfleet Headquarters and am waiting to go in.

"Admiral Gordon will see you now" trills the secretary, and I walk in.

The Admiral looks gruffly at me.

"You didn't knock!" he tells me, "All applicants should knock!"

"Sorry about that." I say, and sit down.

"Did I invite you to sit down?" inquires Admiral Gordon.

"Errr...no." I answer.

"Then why are you sitting down?" he asks.

He picks up a file and looks at it, then looks at me.

"Not very good are you? he tells me, "A bit of a backroom person, content to stay in the shadow of Captain Picard and have the easy life aboard a glamourous starship."

"It's not like that at all!" I tell him, "The Enterprise has saved the universe a number of times; I've been there while it's happened."

"Did I ask you to answer a question, Riker?" Gordon tells me aggressively, "I can tell you, sonny, I've saved more universes than you've had donuts. You can be sure, this appointment will sort out the men from the boys"

"Which starship is it sir?"

Gordon laughs out loud.

"Who said it was a starship, sonny?" says the Admiral, "This job is for the Captaincy of the Candide."

"The Candide?" I ask, "Isn't that the garbage vessel that takes rubbish and scrap to the Forbidden Zone?"

"Got it in one, sonny"

"What happened to the last Captain?" I inquire.

"He died from radiation poisoning?" Gordon answers.

"I heard he only started four months ago."

"That's right" Gordon informs me without blinking, "The Candide has ahm.... a fast turnover of crew members. What it carries can have an amount of radioactivity in it. Still, you get used to it while you're there. It has good medical facilities when you start to feel ill."

I start to turn white.

"Remember, Riker" he adds, "There is always a chance of a sideways move to another ship once you've completed that term of duty on the Candide, if you can last that long."

"I think I like it where I am, sir." I tell him, and start to leave.

"No wonder you're still a Commander, sonny." Gordon tells me, "All these great appointments come up and you don't take advantage of them. The Candide needs more men like you. "

-----------------------------

"You had a chance of Captaincy there, Number One." the Cap tells me in his Ready Room, "The Candide is a sturdy ship. You would have had the key to the Executive Washroom."

"If I ever lived long enough to use it." I reply.

TWQ: Last Day Of School

TWQ (The Weekend Question) takes a look back to a memorable time:

What was your last day at school like; what did you do?

My answer is:

The school itself, did nothing to make it a memorable occasion. The pupils moved from class to class, sat around talking to each other, as there were no teachers. On one occasion, I played my taped copy of Hey Jude, with was enjoyed by all. As it got near the end of the day, we wished each other well. Some were staying on for A Levels (Advanced Study courses) and would still be there. After that, I walked out of the gate, knowing that an era was ending. That school has now been demolished in about 2001, and is now wasteground.

Now it's over to you.

I shall be heading for some Shore Leave, and will be returning on Wednesday.

Also, before you go...

Don't forget, if you want to join The Federation and be on my map, look and the right side of my Journal.

Laundry Breakdown

A vital part of engineering has broken down on the Enterprise.

It's the laundry machine.

Without this, over 1000 people are going to be without their regular snazzy uniforms that look so good when we have our pictures taken.

As Geordi works feverously through the hours, Lieutenant Commander Data has thought of a solution.

"In the holodecks, Captain" he suggests, "We could have Laundromat machines set up there so that everything could be cleaned."

It sounds a great idea.

When I get to the holodeck, I realise that Laundromats don't exist in the 24th Century. I address the computer..

"Please create typical Laundromat late 20th Century-early 21st Century."

"Affirmative"

As a lot of Earth citizens went to a Launderette at this time in history, I think this would be a good period.

I get the uniform that I want cleaning and go in with Beverly, Worf and Jadzia.

There are a few machines with clothes spinning around. Some holographic characters are in front of them, watching their clothes spin round. They take no notice of us.

I go to my machine and put my clothes in; the others do the same.

Then we realise we haven't got any money to start our machines going.

Worf hits the machine in frustration and breaks it.

"Oi!" says a man in the corner, "You'll have to pay for that!"

He must be the holographic owner.

"Computer" I say, "Produce small change suitable for the 20th Century"

A pile of coins appear on the machine, suitable for us all.

I put my money in the machine and start it going; in the meantime, I see Beverly putting her uniform and several small items of underwear. She blushes when she sees me. I hurriedly pick up a magazine to read.

We are all reading our magazines when looking at our clothes circulating in the machine.

A ping suddenly goes off. We empty our machines and put them in the basket. Worf is looking very irritated by it all.

"Klingons are warriors!" he says, "They do not go to a Laundromat to clean their clothes!"

Jadzia tries to suppress her giggle.

Geordi comes in.

"Captain" he exclaim, "I've managed to repair the laundry machine a lot earlier than expected. You can all come out now."

"That's great!" says Beverly, "Of course, Jean-Luc, you could always come back here next week...providing you can get the computer to give us some coins!"

First Report To The Borg Queen

Though you get my thought through the hive mind of the Borg Collective, I understood you wanted a separate view that you could look at in your own free time.

It can be a little hard to concentrate with billions of voices thinking away at the same time. The puny creatures on board the Enterprise can't even think clearly with two talking away. How insignificant they are!

The Doctor on board here, a medical nonentity by the name of Beverly Crusher has tried to brainwash me my telling me I was a former human by the name of Annika Hansen.

She told me that underneath, I looked like this:




What lies they do tell! How repulsive!

The Borg are supreme! When we eventually get to assimilate the Enterprise, I would like Beverly Crusher to be first in the Assimilation Chamber.

She and a Betazoid named Deanna Troi took me to someplace called a shopping mall last week, in which goods are supposed to be purchased. This seemed a completely illogical procedure, as the shopowners saw me and were all to eager to hand over their goods to them free of charge.

Locutus of Borg is very fussy; he gets very angry when I address him as such, and insists that he be called Captain Picard. He went lived when I said, "When are we going to assimilate the others on the ship, Locutus?"

He had me confined to my alcove for saying that.

When we have our senior staff meeting, everyone tends to look very guarded, just in case they say something they shouldn't. Yesterday, we started a meeting and Locutus suddenly said, "We've postponed the meeting, Seven", while looking at each other slyly. I got up to leave the room, but noticed that no one left without me. I walked back in to find the meeting was still going on.

Locutus looked very red-faced. I told him, "We are Borg! Resistance is Futile!". That scared them all and the meeting carried on.

One of the senior staff is an android, and could not be assimilated. Data, as he is called, is well worth investigating. When the Borg has it's next upgrade, his design might well be worth taking into account.

A race we haven't assimilated yet is named the Trill. There is one of that race here on board by the name of Jadzia Dax. The body named Jadzia acts as a host for the internal Dax. Very unusual. A two part race.

I would like to know one thing, your Highness. How long am I going to be stuck on the Enterprise with these awful creatures? A drone friend told me I've only got this job because I get more Christmas and Valentine cards than you do, and I always win the Miss Borg Beauty Pageant, when you come second. I trust this isn't the reason.

Yours in devotion. We are Borg!

Seven Of Nine (Unimatrix 01)

Pipe And Slippers

Today, Lieutenant Sinclair of Starfleet Resources has come aboard for a chat.

This is most disconcerting, as that section is usually only concerned with the amount of people we have.

The department used to be called 'Human Resources', of course, but we could hardly keep calling it that when there are so many aliens. The Vulcans were the first to object to this title. They would be.

"Ah, Captain Picard" says Sinclair, as I meet him in my Ready Room. He shakes my hand and sits down.

"Welcome to the Enterprise, Lieutenant." I say to him.

"Ah, the Enterprise!" he warmly talks, "Flagship of the fleet, Captain, you must be so proud of being in charge of it all."

"Indeed I am." I reply.

"You've been with Starfleet ah....a long time, haven't you, Captain?" Sinclair asks, "Haven't you ever thought that such a magnificent ship might be too much to handle?"

I can see it coming, but look as if I don't know.

"What do you mean, Lieutenant?"

"Err..ahh, well, have you ever thought of handing the reins over to a younger man? I'm sure Commander Riker would be ideal."

"No I haven't!" I firmly tell him.

Sinclair is taken aback. Did he think I was eagerly expecting to go?

"Captain" he continues, "The burdens of command can weigh heavily on the shoulders as one ages. You know that Starfleet have a generous pension plan. Why not take advantage of the early retirement scheme?"

"Why should I?" I reply sharply.

"Think of all you can do, Captain" he says with hesitancy, "You can err.. relax at home with your err..pipe and slippers, take your errr..dog for a walk and get copy of the Federation Bugle from newspaper shops."

"I don't want a pipe and slippers, nor do I want a dog, and I don't read the Federation Bugle!" I tell him loudly.

"What about the gold watch you'll be presented with by the President of Starfleet on the day of your retirement?" he pleads.

"I can replicate one of those right here on the Enterprise; in fact, I intend to be with Starfleet at least another 30 years!"

Sinclair goes pale.

"What about Commander Riker?" he asks.

"He'll have to find another ship to be in charge of...unless I ever get promoted to Admiral, which seems long overdue." I tell him.

Sinclair leaves my Ready Room, a little dazed.

Riker comes in shortly after.

"What was that all about?" he asks.

"Just talking about the level of personel, Number One." I say, "Did you want anything?"

"Only to say I've had another message saying I'm on the shortlist for a Captaincy on a small transport ship." he says, "I don't know who keeps filling them in. I won't go for the interview, as I'd like the Captaincy here too much."

"I wonder who fills them out?" I say innocently, "Maybe some day your chance here will come?"

TWQ: Favourite Album Covers

This week, TWQ (The Weekend Question) looks at album covers.

What are your favourite album covers? You don't need to have bought the album to answer it. Just name the ones that always looked outstanding.

Here is my answer:

'Abbey Road' by The Beatles always looked the most impressive.




With supposedly many secret messages within pertaining to Paul's alleged death and being replaced by a lookalike; the bare feet, the Volkswagen with Paul's age etc, this remains a fine album cover.

Now it's over to you...

Shopping With Seven

Time to sneak on to the Cappy's Journal to recount the latest incident. Keep quiet about it. Don't want to end up in the soup! giggle!

--------------------

Bev and I are all ready to go off on our latest shopping spree; well it is time to go looking for some summer clothes and we both need new bikinis.

We head off to the Transporter Room, ready to beam down to the Starfleet Mall so that we can stock our wardrobes to the hilt.

A voice stops us in our tracks. It's Seven of Nine.

"Where are you two females going!" she demands to know.

"Err..Deanna and I are just going shopping" says Bev, with a nervous voice.

"Why haven't you invited me?" Seven asks, "I wish to learn about human behaviour, and I have it in my database that shopping is a very human experience."

That's true! giggle!

"Well, Seven, we didn't think you'd want to come." I say, "After all, it is such a boring experience..isn't it, Bev?" The lies I tell!

"Err..oh, yes, Deanna, we dislike it intensely."

"Then why do you go?" asks Seven.

"Err..it's a job that the Cappy...er I mean Captain Picard tells us we have to do. You wouldn't like it, Seven." I tell her.

"I shall come along and find out for myself!" she says.

We have no say in all this.

The three of us beam down to the Starfleet Mall. Everybody looks at us, and in particular at Seven. Then they run away.

Shopping with a Borg drone does drive the crowds away! giggle!

We go into L'singa's Lingerie to check out the latest underwear fashions. Bev and I see some items that we both like and go to buy them.

"Err...they're on the house, ladies" says L'singa nervously looking at Seven, "You've been such good regular customers."

We leave and go to Ferengi Footwear and find some very sexy shoes that we both like. Seven finds a pair that she likes as well.

"It's err..all free, ladies!" says the Ferengi shopowner, as he takes a look at Seven, "We like to be generous...making a profit isn't everything."

I never thought I'd hear a Ferengi say that! giggle!

The three of us go around the shops; everywhere it's the same. We don't get charged for anything.

"This is most strange." says Seven, "Why are shops prepared to give their goods away for no reason? I do not understand it."

"It is odd, isn't it Bev?" I say with a wink to her. giggle!

We beam back to the Enterprise, loaded with goods from shops.

"I think we'll have to take Seven with us on future shopping trips, Deanna" Bev tells me with a smile as we walk back.

-------------------

That's it for this entry in the Cappy's Journal. Just in time before he returns. Now time to go back and try on my new items! giggle!

Seven Of Nine (Part Two)

The crew have been rather worried since we took Seven of Nine as a crewmember.

They're scared of turning their backs on her in case she decides to assimilate someone.

The children on the Enterprise hide behind corners when they see Seven march down the corridors; their mother's threaten to send them to the Borg woman if they are bad.

I must admit, she scares me a lot, despite the assurance from The Borg Queen that she will not assimilate anyone while she is on board.

We have set up an alcove in one of the Cargo Bays; there, she can regenerate when she needs to. At least when that happens, we are alright for the time being.

I talk to Admiral Stanson on the videoscreen about the problem.

"You really had a problem, there, Captain" he says, in a voice that makes him seem glad it wasn't him that had to make the decision, "Still, in order to prevent people getting assimilated, you had to do it."

"That's true, Sir" I reply, "But what about all the information the Borg will learn about us? Some of it could be top secret"

"Most of it they already know, Captain." Stanson tells me, "Just keep classified material encrypted. Besides, this might be a good opportunity to learn more about the Borg."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, Captain" Stanson continues, "While the Borg learn about us, we can sneakily learn about them." It might give us more information when they next attack us."

"It could be the other way around, Sir"

"That's a chance we'll have to take; good luck with your new crewmember, Picard. Stanson out."
I groan. That's about as much help as I'm going to get with Starfleet. They're letting me look after Seven and if something goes wrong, it'll be me to blame.

Time for a conference with the senior staff. I call them all in.

"Everybody" I say to them, "What are we going to do with Seven?"

"Can we put her in a small out-of-the-way job where she won't be any trouble?" suggests Riker.

"It's what I would like to do, Number One" I say, "But I think her curiosity to learn as much as possible will prevent that."

"We shall have to be on our guard" declares Worf, "Otherwise she could have to be killed."

"Hey" Geordi says, "If that happens, it's Asssimilation City, Arizona for all of us; you remember what The Borg Queen said."

"Should we allow ourselves to be blackmailed by this creature?" asks Beverly.

"Unfortunately, Doctor" I reply, "We had no choice; we'll give her a few tasks around the ship so that she can familiarise herself with it. Hopefully by that time, The Borg Queen will come and collect her again."

"Well I think it's appalling that we should have a Borg drone on board" starts Deanna, "For all we know, she could assimilate us in our slee..."

The door suddenly slides open and Seven of Nine enters.

"Please continue" says Seven, "I missed what you were saying."

"Errr..." says Deanna, "I was just saying how the Enterprise needed err...cleaning up."

"Yes," I confirm it, "We'll do that right away, Counselor."

"Captain Picard" Seven tells me, "This is a meeting of senior staff; I expect to be invited to all such meetings as I am a member of this staff."

"Now see here, Seven of Nine" I nervously say to her, "You have just arrived on the ship, and are hardly a member of the senior staff."

"We are Borg!" she talks down to me, "I am now a member of the senior staff!"

"Err...if you wish, Seven; this meeting happens to be over anyway."

"Very well" she replies, "I shall go and regenerate."

As Seven leaves, I take a stress pill.

"I'll order you a few more" says Beverly, "I think you might need them."

Seven Of Nine (Part One)

If we think it is going to be a quiet day, then we can be sure it's not going to be one.

There we were, minding our own business, taking stellar maps and doing scientific resesrch in the Jaka Sector when suddenly our problems started.

"Something is opening up in space ahead of us" announces Data, "It appears to be a transwarp signature."

We all look at each other, as we know the sort of trouble that is; the Borg are going to turn up, and that doesn't usually involve a friendly hello.

A Borg Cube suddenly appears and we are locked in a tractor beam. This is the Starfleet equivilant of having a bad day at the office.

Suddenly, we are hailed and the videoscreen comes on.



The Borg Queen.

"Good morning, Locutus." she says to me, as if she is the boss in a top company addressing one of her lowly employees, "It is good to see you again."

"I am Captain Picard!" I firmly tell her.

"Yes, yes, of course you are, Locutus" she continues, not really listening to me, "I've got a fine task for you to do for me."

"I don't do jobs for the Borg" I angily tell her, in my best Starfleet-Captain voice, although I know it's not likely to get me anywhere here. The Borg Queen is not the sort of creature that one can have a meaningful discussion and persuade her that she might be wrong.

"Oh, I think you will, Locutus" she calmly tells me, "It's either do this simple little task, or we assimilate the Enterprise. That wouldn't go down on your record, would it?"

"What is it?" I grudgingly ask her, knowing that I'll have to end up going through with it.

"I just want to take one of our people on board the Enterprise so that she, and the Borg can learn about human behaviour."

"That's ridiculous." I say.

A Borg drone beams on to the Bridge.



"This is Seven Of Nine from Unimatrix 01" announces the Borg Queen, "You will treat her as a member of the crew; you will not attempt to harm her or change her into a human. Should you try, we will come and assimilate you and other Federation vessels."

"How long are we stuck with...I mean is she meant to be with us?" I ask.

"Not very long, Locutus" she tells me, "We are preparing her for a mission in the Delta Quadrant; it will be good for Seven. She always wins the 'Miss Borg' Beauty Pageant. Maybe I'll have a chance to win now."

I look at the drone; she sneers at me.

"Remember, Locutus," says the Borg Queen, "Don't harm her; she's a member of your crew."

The videoscreen goes off, the tractor beam is released, and the Borg Cube vanishes via transwarp.

"What do we do now?" Riker asks me.

"I'm not sure, Number One. I say, "Perhaps we ought to welcome our new crew member?"

We turn to greet Seven of Nine.

"Welcome to the Enterprise." I say to her, "We hope you'll be happy here."

"Happiness is irrelevant!" she tells me, "The Borg are supreme."

Oh dear.

TWQ: Axed Too Soon?

This week, TWQ (The Weekend Question) asks about certain tv shows:

What tv shows did you think were axed too early, when they still had so much promise in them?

My answers are:

Flamingo Road: This was a glossy series that ran around the time of Dallas & Dynasty, but was exclipsed by them, and ran for only two seasons. It ended on a cliffhanger, and never came back.

Land Of The Giants: Another series axed after two seasons, which never ended properly with the 'little people' finding their way back home. By the way, does anyone know why Betty was in it less and less during the end?

The Trials Of Rosie O'Neill: This fine series ran for a couple of seasons, and followed 'Cagney & Lacey' for Sharon Gless.

Now it's over to you...

Doctor Zimmerman's Visit

Today is a very exciting day for me. We're at the Jupiter Station.

Doctor Lewis Zimmerman, the creator of holograms is visiting the Enterprise. For the first time, I will be able to meet my 'father' and tell him how well I've done.

Those on this ship have naturally tried to hold me back, but us holograms are superior. Perhaps he will saying I'm a much better doctor, and that I can replace Crusher?

That would make her quiver. Beverly Crusher has never liked me and always has me doing the most meniel medical tasks. Though I'm tempted to day something and report her to HUD (the Holographic Union of Doctors), I've thought to bide my time until I can come forward.

Well, that time is now!

Doctor Crusher and I are waiting in the Sick Bay. Captain Picard is giving Doctor Zimmerman the usual ship tour before coming here to show me off.

I hear them coming...

"...And this is the Sick Bay, Doctor Zimmerman" says the Captain, "No doubt you'll recognise an occupant there, as he look like you."

Doctor Zimmerman stares at me; I smile at him.

"Hello!" I say, "I'm so pleased to meet you and show you how well I've done since I was programmed into the Enterprise. I've learnt how to.."

"It's not very good, is it?" says the Doctor to Picard, "I've seen a toaster with more intelligence!"
Is he talking about me?

"Where did I go wrong?" says Zimmerman, "There are so many troubles with this one, I don't know where to start. Never mind. The Mark Two will be much better."

Mark Two?

"I assure you, Doctor" I tell him, "I've been running perfectly, and have exceeded my programming to learn all sorts of functions."

Zimmerman continues talking to Picard as if I am not there. Beverly has a big grin on her face.

"This one is useless" continues Zimmerman, "I suppose the Mark One here could just be considered a prototype. What we'll do is download it and have it cleaning plasma conduits or some other job no one would want to do."

I continue to protest

"HUD will never allow it!" I tell him, "I've got holographic rights!"

"It's attitude is really irritating, Captain" Zimmerman whispers to Picard, "I don't know how you've stood it, "I'll give it a few tweaks and erase it's memory. As it's creator, HUD can't say anything"

"Excellent, Doctor Zimmerman" says Picard, "When can we have a look at the Mark Two?"

"Right now, Captain" he states, "We can beam it directly here to Sick Bay and you can see what it is like."

In a few seconds, a different looking figure beams on; it doesn't look like Doctor Zimmerman or myself. Already I don't like him.

"This is the Mark Two" Zimmerman proudly annouces, "Watch and see it in action.

I sneer as we all watch the Mark Two rush around the Sick Bay doing complex medical functions, smiling and talking to patients at a fantastic speed."

"Isn't it brilliant?" Zimmerman asks, "The Mark Two has far more speed, can make judgements, and is much more friendly than the bad tempered Mark One."

"Yes" says Picard, "It will change everything."

"It certainly will." agrees Zimmerman, "When we have holographic projectors fitted around the ship, the Mark Two can walk around. It can replace the human doctors like Beverly Crusher. She can then lecture at Starfleet Academy, or something like that."

Dr Crusher goes pale; so does Picard.

"Now see here, Doctor Zimmerman" Picard protests, "We've got to have human doctors."

"Why?" asks Zimmerman, "The Mark Two will be a better doctor."

"Err...I don't think we want the Mark Two, Doctor" says Picard hurriedly, "We've been quite happy with the Mark One, haven't we, Beverly?"

"Erm...oh yes, the Mark One is excellent."

"We like things just the way they are" Picard agrees.

"Very strange." says Zimmerman. He beams the Mark Two off and leaves.

I watch Picard and Crusher hold hands as they leave a few seconds later.

Human emotion saved me from the plasma conduits!

My Performance Development Review

An Admiral has come on board to give me another Performance Development Review (PDR).

You can just imagine what it will NOT be like.. "Your're doing a great job, Captain and there have been no problems..in fact you've done so well, we'll promote you to Admiral."

Yes, that is fantasy, isn't it?

Coming on board is Admiral Hardman, the tough inquisatorial Starfleet Officer that tends to reduce staff to tears..even his superiors.

We go to Transporter Room 3 to welcome the Admiral, who beams aboard.

"Welcome to the Enterprise, Admiral" I say, "I'm Captain Pica..."

"I know who you are!" interrupts Hardman, "Dispense with the other staff and take me to your Ready Room so that we can get down to business."

As we go, I see Riker feeling his own collar as if he's imagining another star to be there when he is made to be Captain.

We both get to the Ready Room and sit down; Hardman reads all what he has on file to himself.

"We've got quite a lot about you, Captain" he begins, "You have been busy."

"Well, I have saved the universe a few times" I say.

"I don't mean that!" I replies, "I mean the amount of times you've deviated from official Starfleet procedures. Do you think you're the only one that has saved the universe? One of our Cadets in Starfleet Academy, Wesley Crusher, has done that more than you have."

I start to get annoyed. "That was just luck." I tell him.

"There's no need to be jealous over a Cadet, Captain." Hardman lectures me, "Wesley Crusher is a fine young man, and will be Captain before long. We need more people like him."

I have a stress pill.

"Now Captain, we haven't done very well, lately, have we?" he tells me.

"Why, what did you do wrong?" I ask.

"There's no need for that insubordination!" Hardman shouts, "I'll have you demoted back to Ensign if you're not too careful!"

"Now looking at your recent behaviour" he continues, "Your performance on the planet known as Paradisio was hardly commendable, was it?"

I look in surprise, "I thought that was...."

"Supressed, did you, Captain?" Hardman says, with a sadistic smile, "You should know that things like this are bound to get out. Starfleet find out eventually."

I sweat and have another stress pill.

"The sight of you in a loincloth wasn't a pretty sight" Hardman smiles, showing me the pictures, "Although the ones with Doctor Crusher and Counselor Troi were!" he says with a filthy laugh.

"You have to remember, Admiral" I tell him, "We were all under the influence of mind control gas at the time."

The Admiral sighs, as if he's heard it all before.

"You wanted to stay on this planet rather than rejoin Starfleet!" he tells me.

"It was because of the gas!" I continue. Clearly I'm talking, but he's not listening.

Admiral Hardman looks through all the female pictures of crewmembers in their loincloths. He thinks for a few moments.

"Are the aliens on the planet still there?" he asks me.

"No, Admiral" I tell him, "There were only a few, and they were taken to a Penal Colony"

"So that planet, with all the flowing waterfalls, fruit and green foliage is there, and anyone could move there, and have a life of paradise and could live in a loincloth for the rest of their days?" Hardman inquires.

"Err...I suppose so, Sir."

"Right, well in that case, Captain, watch your step and goodbye."

Admiral Hardman hurriedly leaves the Ready Room and beams off the Enterprise.

-----------------------

"I can't understand what happened to Hardman" says Admiral Greene.

He is talking to me hours later in the videoscreen.

"After coming back from the Enterprise, he went to his quarters, packed a small suitcase after getting two loincloths from the replicator and stolen a small ship. He collected his 20 year old wife. I think they went in the direction of the X2 system. Isn't that where you were recently, Captain?"

"Yes it was" I reply, "Quite a coincidence."