The View From The Bar

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Running this bar is a cinch after all that I've been through, I can tell you.

It keeps me young as well. Though I'm over 600 years old, I sometimes don't feel a day over 350.

It's those drinking songs that annoy me, though. When Worf has had a few, he really gets going, and there we are, back on the Klingon homeworld and singing songs of Kahless and his epic quests.

Do me a favour, Worf!

Geordi, now he's another one. I'm there behind the bar, and I have to hear his witless attempts to chat up women. He has no idea.

He starts with, "Hiya babe, I'm the Chief Engineer."

I ask you!

The unlucky woman look in pity and disgust at him and walks off, while Geordi looks amazed. If any female actually responded to his awful chat-up lines, he wouldn't have a clue what to do next.

Jean-Luc and Beverly are a pair, though. They will come in at different times and tell me how much they like the other, but have to maintain a professional distance.

Come on, you two!

Of course, I'm a great friend of Jean-Luc; I met him in the 19th Century when he time-travelled here. I've had a few dealings with Q as well. I got to Earth when my planet had been invaded by the Borg.

Talk about a backward planet! No warp drive, no space travel!

In the 20th Century, I changed my name for a while and went into acting. Some of the movies were ridiculous. I never understood the plots myself, but I had to dress up in this black outfit called a nun's habit.

Afterward, I went on this television quiz show called 'Hollywood Squares'. The producer told me just to say any idiotic answer. This I did, and for some reason, the audience laughed.

I went into hiding for a while, and when Jeffram Cochrane had a slight idea about warp drive, I gave him a couple of hints. As he was always drunk, he forgot to mention my involvement.

Nearly a century later, I applied for the job of Communications Officer on Captain Archer's Enterprise, but failed to get it. No Starfleet experience, they say.

If only they knew!

Another century passed; I then applied for the same job on the 'five year mission' on the Enterprise that Kirk was on. He personally interviewed all the women, but this Uhura got it.

What does he know?

In the end, after nearly yet another hundred years, I finally get on the Enterprise; as a bartender!

With all the people I've met, I ought to have been at least First Officer, don't you...hold on, Deanna and Riker are giggling with each other.

I'll be listening in...