I have been summoned to Starfleet Headquarters on Earth.
When I get there, I see Admiral Marsh, who is the Head of Recruitment. With him is a man in his early twenties with dark glasses and so called 'trendy clothes' who is obviously trying to look intellectual at the same time.
"Captain Picard" says Marsh, "This is Billy Fortune, the hot film director. As recruitment to Starfleet has fallen over the last few years, we have employed him to make an advert for us that will be shown on screens at home. We want you to work with him in creating that."
"I don't know whether I'm the one for this role, Sir." I say.
"Of course you are, Jean-Luc, baby!" exclaims Fortune, "We want the Captain of the flagship of the fleet in this ad."
I dislike him intensely already.
After meeting the senior staff, Fortune talks to me about what he thinks.
"This ad needs some bizaz, baby. We need it to say to those viewers, ''Come and join this go-ahead outfit, this is the place to be, this is where it's all happening!"
I think my Universal Translator must be malfunctioning.
"That Worf guy is way too scary." he says, "He might put people off joining. What about that funny robot, Data? He could do a bit of comedy like the one in that ancient series 'Lost In Space'.
That Riker could be good; the two you you could be a double act and do some funny routines there. Makes 'em laugh and start listening."
"Well we gotta have that Deanna Troi in it," he continues, "We need a babe in a skimpy outfit. It'll get the men watching the screen. Now that Geordi needs to be in it; a blind black guy. Wow! that gives a great message saying anybody can join. Do you think that Beverly would wear a skimpy outfit as well?"
"NO!" I say.
"Ah, well, never mind."
"Is that it?" I ask, wanting to throttle him.
"No, baby, we need youth. We need some kid to tell them to join Starfleet Academy. A bright one. I think I know who."
I can see it coming, I know I can.
"That Wesley Crusher is just right, baby. He's in the Academy, he's bright, and hey! he's even served on your Enterprise for a few years. Let's get him on the scene and we can start shooting.
Pass the headache tablets.