Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Starship Etiquette

A new directive has been sent from Starfleet ordering how staff Bridge Staff should behave in certain situations. I am reading this out to them.

1: Don't slouch on the chairs; when the viewscreen comes on, people want to see a smart, efficient crew, even if they are hostile and about to invade.

2: If an alien announces "We will destroy your ship.", don't immediately respond with a full spread of photon torpedoes. This will cause hostility. Instead, put on an understanding smile and ask gently, "Do you REALLY want to do that?" Offer them coffee and a donut, so you can talk peacefully.

3: If an alien group invades the ship, remember to say "Welcome to the Enterprise." when they board. Show them around the ship and take them to Ten Forward. This will break the ice between races, and encourage friendship.

4: Don't set the Self Destruct sequence off. Starships cost a lot to build. It costs a lot to train personel as well.

5: Namebadges should be worn by all personel. How will anyone know each other is, especially in a Galaxy-Class starship?

6: Stardates will be used at all times. It is not acceptable to use terms like 'half past eight last Thursday'.

7: Don't go into Red Alert everytime there is a minor mishap. This causes a lot of stress amongst crew members. Remember, we only have one Counselor per starship.

8: The Captain will not use his own odd sentances to utter commands. "Go ahead" or "Go on course." is acceptable. "Make It So." is not.

9: When an alien diplomat visits the ship, make sure you know as much as you can about the race. Customs and greetings can vary. The slightest twitch or wrong phrase could cause an interplanetary war.

10: Bridge staff shall maintain a decorum at all hours. Drinking songs are not permitted. Especially while on duty.

There was a few choice remarks during the reading of this., mostly from Worf.

Now where is the Enterprise Shredder Room?


Stationery Queen said...

I figured Worf would be the first to complain, especially about that "shoot later, talk first" directive.

Name tags. Man, thanks for taking me back to high school and grade school!! I hate now even putting on those sticky "Hello my name is..." badges at functions. :-)

Master Yoda said...

Other rules I thought you had in place:

Whenever in dire straits the ship is, defer to Wesley Crusher.

Speak with a British accent all French command officers must.

As restrooms on board starships there are not, hold it in indefinately all crewmembers must.

Rules from Capt. Kirk's era:

Unguarded at all times, Auxillary Control must be.

Completely reasonable for the ship's captain, first officer, and only doctor to beam down together into the same dangerous situation it is.

When beaming down into a dangerous situation you are, surround yourself with guys in red shirts you must. Dispensible they are.

When about to be destroyed by an evil computer, simply talk it to death you can. Every time this trick works.

Helen Louise said...

Heh, that reminds me of something I heard on the news today... weather reporters can't say "scattered showers", they have to say "mostly dry". As for the Red alert stuff, you know they're really saying that because red bulbs are expensive :D

nobody said...

The Enterprise has a Shredder Room!! Cool! I bet the computer can show you where it is.

Jen said...

Namebadges? What's next, hair nets and training on how to ask, "Would you like fries with that?"

I'm with Janeway, just lose yourselves somewhere far from these Starfleet bozos...

Shelley said...

While I appreciate the need for some rules, I think you need a good partay....time to chill man!

Trinity13 said...

How would you get through a day with rules like this???

Professor Xavier said...

Sort of like the "Cider House Rules", eh? That's not a bad idea really. Maybe I should think about doing something like that at the school.

M. C. Pearson said...

LOL! I think I heard that same speech when I was sent to Bosnia! How funny. Keep up the creative posts; they make my day.

dddragon said...

Remember, we only have one Counselor per starship. Actually, WHY is that? The ratio isn't very good.

And what's wrong with "Make It So." ?? It's a classic!

Jean-Luc Picard said...

Master Yoda, the points you make are excellent.

Jen, you might be right; which way is it to the Delta Quadrant?

Ciera said...

Sorry I'm late.

Uhm - - - If I say "I'm going to destroy your ship" can I have coffee and a donut? Or can I just smile and skip that part and go straight for the coffee and donut?

Ciera said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Nic said...

Wow, dear captian, somebody in Star Fleet Command seems to have it out for you by taking it out on the crew of your starship. You might want to figure out who it is before worse directives are issued to you(r ship).

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