Monday, October 24, 2005

The Enterprise On Broadband

Today is going to be a big day.

The Enterprise computer is going to be fitted with broadband.

Starfleet Command think it's about time that our Galaxy Class starship, flagship of the fleet was fitted with something more advanced than a dial-up system.

After all, it is very disconcerting when, in a battle with Borg, the computer suddenly fails and the message 'Connection has failed, please dial again'. appears on our viewscreen.

It has been the cause of many headaches, I can tell you.

Anyway, Starfleet is stretching the budget, and coming on board will be Admiral Hoyt, Head of Computers, together with Onorio, the alien technology expert. Also there is Ted, the repairman.

Hoyt will be watching, while Onorio does the fitting. Ted is there just in case we need him.

Naturally, Geordi is very concerned about this; his never likes visitors coming and playing with the computers and engines that he regards as 'his own'.

The three men beam aboard; Onorio is carrying a small package; Hoyt is looking pleased. Ted has his overalls on, his cap and a bag of tools.

"Well, Captain." he says, "You're about to step into a new age; the computers will be going at a hyper speed to match warp drive. Hey! It might even render you guys obselete!"

"And you, as well, sir?" I reply.

Hoyt mumbles something to himself and turns to the box.

"Onorio here is going to fit the package; rest assured, there is nothing that can go wrong."

If there's anything that makes me worried, it's when someone confidentally states there's nothing that can go wrong.

The senior staff and our two guests all go over to the main computer drive. Onorio gets out a small disk.

"This will start the conversion process for the computers." Onorio confidentally states, as he inserts the disk, "This will bring the starship into the new age of technology, where new frontiers can now be explored."

All the lights and power on the Enterprise suddenly go off; we are all there in the dark.

"Was that supposed to happen, sir?" Data asks me.

Hoyt is looking a little confused...from what I can see of him.

"Just a little teething trouble there, Captain. Onorio will soon repair it."

He takes a good look and in a few moments, the lights and systems are all running again.

"Excellent!" says Hoyt, "Captain, consult the computer about anything you wish, it will be able to answer in far faster speed."

"Computer, what is the fastest way to travel to Starbase 7?"

A high pitched sound comes out; the computer is speaking at such a fast rate, no one can tell what it is saying.

"What do we do here?", Hoyt asks Onorio.

"Err...I don't exactly know." he replies, "This is a new system for Starfleet, and there was always the problem of err... technological difficulties arising."

All of us then turn to Ted.

He sighs and looks in his bag of tools.

"I think I've got what you want here, mate." he says.

He gets out a large hammer and whacks the top of the console. Hoyt, Onorio and Geordi do white with shock.

The computer voice suddenly changes from a high pitch wail to that normal voice we have, that seems to remind me of someone.

The new broadband seems to be working properly now.

"Ropey connection, mate" he tells us, as he turns to Deanna, "Make us some char, love, then I'll be on my way."

There were always rumours that Ted had come from a temporal field when Starfleet were experimenting with time travel.

I'm beginning to think they are right.

23 comments:

-xtessa- said...

ahahahahaha!!! banging usually works for me as well!;)

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

Captain, I undestand your consternation. I (had to) set up my mother-in-law's DSL and wireless network. I had issues getting the modem and wireless router talking to each other, then I had to explain the set up to her, then she threw out my notes with the encryption keys on it, then I had to explain it to her again. I'd blog about it, but I'd hate to bore my readers away...

nobody said...

Congrats on the broadband! I have had DSL for quite some time now, it's ok. Much better than dial-up. Good thing ol' Ted was there. He's sort of like a Wesley, but better because he has a cooler name.

The Law Fairy said...

Hi Captain,

I just found your blog and wanted to tell you that it rules. I wanted to join Starfleet when I was younger but instead I became a lawyer, which is totally lame.

I hope the new broadband treats you well! Imagine what it would have been like to live in the 20th century when AOL was the only option. Man...

Running2Ks said...

Oh I found you via MC Pearson, and I have to say you have me roaring.

Hope Geordi is handy for any other technical issues.

I named my daughter after a combination of a life you led (Kamen) and a name you used (Galen).

Great stuff here! I'll be back :)

Professor Xavier said...

Sounds fairly typical for the government - equipment that is 300 years behind the times.

Trinity13 said...

So you haven't figured out who the computer voice reminds you of...hmmmm.

MarkD60 said...

I knew Ted would fix it!
Welcome to broadband! Now watch in pain as it seems to get slower and slower and ssslllooowwwweeerrrrrr!

Shelley said...

It's so great to hear you're finally getting with the program and joining the wonderful world of broadband. Enjoy!

Jean-Luc Picard said...

Actually, the broadband system is now installed, but the ISP haven't found me a slot so I can use the broadband. As a result, I am still on dial-up for a few more days.

Nic said...

At least Ted got it fixed. Part of the old school macho man club of banging it until it works. I saw it on a documentary once about an asteroid that was going to hit the earth. I believe it was called "Armageddon".

mrsmogul said...

When I was at my sister's house we gave her wireless and made her steal her neightbor's broadband! It was like a whole new revelation for her!

Jana said...

Hooray for broadband! I could never go back to dial-up. I even told my grandma I wouldn't visit her if she didn't get cable!

Lori said...

Great Blog.....With broadband your be going warp speed....lol...I'm on dial-up...ugggghhhh!!!

Have a great day!!!

Ciera said...

when it doubt - give it a smack.

M. C. Pearson said...

I believe the computer senced the threat and decided to fix itself. Love the upgrading...Ah, me...remember when there were no wireless connections. Had to have VERY long cords. ;-)

InterstellarLass said...

I wish I could upgrade. My neighborhood is wired old-school though. :(

puremood said...

Woot... Yay on the upgrade!

War Eagle said...

Hey Captain,

I was watching the historic documents yesterday. And I really think u like young Wesley. In fact u actually saved his life right before he left for the academy. You had ur chance but, u didn't take it. Admit it u really like him. Don't u?

BarbaraFromCalifornia said...

Aye, Aye, Captain, and welcome aboard!

Jean-Luc Picard said...

I'm still here waiting for that broadband.

War Eagle, saving Wesley then might have been one of my big mistakes.

Waiting for the Big Switch On!

That was my 98th post. My 100th should be on Thursday night.

Captain Berk said...

I have similar problems on my older grade ship.

I have to repair it myself.

Scotty won't do it because he thinks I can't handle it.

One time, I forgot to recharge the fuel cells after being allowed to drive the ship on my own.

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