The Starfleet Advert has been made.
Despite my protestations to Admiral Marsh, he has decided that the screening will go ahead, even though he hasn't seen it.
"Captain Picard" he says, "Billy Fortune is the latest trendy film director. His movies are all the rage amongst the young. We'll publicise he made it, and lots of people will want to join Starfleet."
"But, Sir" I try to say, "The advert isn't very good."
"No buts, Picard! The advert will get shown at 20:00 tonight."
At 20:oo, we are all there to see the tortuous advert unfold....
Geordi: "We're under attack!"
Riker releases Deanna from a passionate clinch. She is wearing a mini skirt and a cropped top.
Riker: "Send for the Captain"
Picard walks on to the Bridge.
Picard: "What's going on here, my loyal crew?"
Deanna: "Oh, Captain, we are under attack from hostile aliens!"
Data walks on stiffly
Data: "Klaatu Barada Nikto"
Geordi: "He's been seeing too many science fiction movies in our holodeck cinema."
Deanna (addressing camera): "Well there are so many facilities on a starship nowadays; on a holodeck, you can create ANYTHING you like, your quarters can be designed in a style you want. Generous holidays offered, even at ensign level"
Picard(addressing viewscreen): "This is Starfleet, part of the Federation; lay down your weapons."
Fearsome alien comes on screen
Fearsome Alien: " We're really sorry to attack a Starfleet vessel. They are the top ships in the Quadrant, with the best crews around."
Wesley beams on to the Bridge, and addresses the camera.
Wesley: Don't forget folks, you can be a part of Starfleet today. Go to your nearest recruitment office and get forms for enrolling at Starfleet Academy. Soon, you could be a part of this fab outfit. I'm in the Academy, and have served on the Enterprise for some years, saving it from destruction every week. You could be doing all this. Be part of Super Starfleet...
All of the cast: "NOW!!!!"
I cringe; it's even worse than I thought.
The next day, I get a phone call from Admiral Marsh, expecting him to be incensed, and ordering the film to be burnt.
"Captain Picard, that was wonderful acting there. We have been inundated with requests from people wanting to join Starfleet. You and the crew did a superb job."
If the new recruits think this is what it's really like, they'll have a big shock coming.
I hear a voice.
"Klaatu Barada Nikto!"
"Not now, Data."