Thursday, October 13, 2005

Starfleet Advert (Part Two)

The Starfleet Advert has been made.

Despite my protestations to Admiral Marsh, he has decided that the screening will go ahead, even though he hasn't seen it.

"Captain Picard" he says, "Billy Fortune is the latest trendy film director. His movies are all the rage amongst the young. We'll publicise he made it, and lots of people will want to join Starfleet."
"But, Sir" I try to say, "The advert isn't very good."

"No buts, Picard! The advert will get shown at 20:00 tonight."


At 20:oo, we are all there to see the tortuous advert unfold....


Geordi: "We're under attack!"

Riker releases Deanna from a passionate clinch. She is wearing a mini skirt and a cropped top.

Riker: "Send for the Captain"

Picard walks on to the Bridge.

Picard: "What's going on here, my loyal crew?"

Deanna: "Oh, Captain, we are under attack from hostile aliens!"

Data walks on stiffly

Data: "Klaatu Barada Nikto"

Geordi: "He's been seeing too many science fiction movies in our holodeck cinema."

Everyone laughs

Deanna (addressing camera): "Well there are so many facilities on a starship nowadays; on a holodeck, you can create ANYTHING you like, your quarters can be designed in a style you want. Generous holidays offered, even at ensign level"

Picard(addressing viewscreen): "This is Starfleet, part of the Federation; lay down your weapons."

Fearsome alien comes on screen

Fearsome Alien: " We're really sorry to attack a Starfleet vessel. They are the top ships in the Quadrant, with the best crews around."

Wesley beams on to the Bridge, and addresses the camera.

Wesley: Don't forget folks, you can be a part of Starfleet today. Go to your nearest recruitment office and get forms for enrolling at Starfleet Academy. Soon, you could be a part of this fab outfit. I'm in the Academy, and have served on the Enterprise for some years, saving it from destruction every week. You could be doing all this. Be part of Super Starfleet...

All of the cast: "NOW!!!!"


I cringe; it's even worse than I thought.

The next day, I get a phone call from Admiral Marsh, expecting him to be incensed, and ordering the film to be burnt.

"Captain Picard, that was wonderful acting there. We have been inundated with requests from people wanting to join Starfleet. You and the crew did a superb job."

If the new recruits think this is what it's really like, they'll have a big shock coming.

I hear a voice.

"Klaatu Barada Nikto!"

"Not now, Data."


Chancellor Palpatine said...

Perhaps I should create an advert for stormtrooper recruiting?

Jen said...


At least they avoided the totally cliche "Take me to your leader," line from the aliens. That's some comfort.

Here's hoping none of the new recruits end up on your ship...

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

Palps, why do you need to advertise for Stormtroopers? Couldn't you just whip up a new batch when needed?

Captain Picard, it didn't turn out that bad. It was pretty cheesey, but not really really cheesey, you know?

-xtessa- said...

Ahahahaha... i agree with the captain! cheesy all the way! LOL!

Nic said...

OY! It's very, umm, D-movieish. Something that a high school film crew would put together, but maybe even that's giving this idiot too much credit.

So would this be something like Munster or Gorgonzola? (Stinky cheese)

I commiserate with you in the cringing, dear Captain.

Professor Xavier said...

Yes, that is dreadful. Perhaps it might be time for another Insurrection.

M. C. Pearson said...

Tee hee hee...I've seen many an Army recruitment film that must have been done by the same director.

BarbaraFromCalifornia said...

My word...Time to bring on another insurrection!

Haris said...

I love it. It is so fresh it is so new in a postclasic preneoclasic postindustrial nevou chic pseudo kich with a touch of the pleader direction first utilised by Uto Emerson as his interpretation of the Can of the Warhall wannabe Bliots Dag. Its retro style is clearly there to show how the artist is rebelling agains everything new and gree as those two things in his mind will bring upon the apocalipse as was evident in the Fearsome alien as a representation of the feers of the author. His obvercompensation of the starfleet insignia clearly points to a complex he developed whileis as an infant sucking...

Sory for the MeMe by teh way I dont knwo if those are like chain letters or not but I really like doiung them so if ypou do not like it than consider yourself officilaly Detagged. Still Capetain I woudl like to knwo what your favorite snacks are, does Earl Gary, Hot count?

Andrea said...

Hello, Michele sent me.

BTW, I think you're hot.

Courtney said...

Good morning, Michele sent me.

Ciera said...

they got this idea from the Borg Queen's campaign, didn't they?

And remember - you can always turn Data off.

Trinity13 said...

So Bev didn't make an appearance in a skimpy outfit? Too bad. :-(

InterstellarLass said...

Excellent job Captain. This will look good on your review. :)

MommaK said...

I agree...turn Data off! ;-)

Master Yoda said...

Almost as bad as this one movie I saw, it was. Remember the name of that movie right now I can not. I think that somewhere in the title, the word "Nemesis" was. But, sure I am not.

Jean-Luc Picard said...

'Cheesy' might be the word to describe this advert. Maybe that is why Billy Fortune is now doing an advert for gorgonzola.

You're right; if Data does a Gort impresssion, then it's switch off time.

Trinity, I wouldn't want Beverly to be in a skimpy outfit for others to ogle at.

Ciera, you're right, it does sound like a Borg plot. I wonder if Fortune was assimilated?

Jen, I had to tell Fortune not to use the 'take me to your leader' line.

An Insurrection seems to be the popular choice.

Yaeli said...

Michele sent me again so I thought I'd visit the next post down. :o)

I don't really get the Star Trek thing though...

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