Your New Borg House

Guest Poster: The Borg Queen

Hello.

This is the Borg Queen, and I'm sending this newsletter out to all those species who, for some reason, think the Borg race are terrifying and destroy everything, including your will and identity and turn them into robotic machines.

I am stating here and now that none of this is true.

All right, we DO turn you into robotic machines, the Borg ARE a little scary, we DO tend to destroy a few things, and I'll grant you, we DO remove your will and identity. But don't let all these minor details cloud your opinion of us. It is a good life to be a member of the Borg.

Just to show you how exciting it is, and the rewards you will get, I'm handing you over to One of Eight, who is head of the Borg Organisational Group (BOG)

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Thank you, Borg Queen.

Now I know what you're thinking the life of a Borg drone is. Straight in the Assimilation Chamber, then off to work in the Cube, with the occasional regeneration in an alcove. This is not true. As Head of BOG, I'm going to set the record straight.

The drones do get time off, and have homes of their own on various planets around the galaxy. After a term on a Cube, you get a spell of leave in the home that we have for you.

Now if you're a drone, having just been assimilated, your new house may look like one of these.



You'll have no chance of any troublesome neighbours. They will be drones as well. What could be better? A great place where everyone will always have something in common.

Now after you've served us for some years, and have moved up in the ranks, you'll find your Borg house will increase in quality. In reward for your many years of assimilating and wiping out races, you'll get a luxury house such as this one.



So you see what a great life we Borgs have.

Don't delay, get assimilated today!

Now I'll hand you back to the Borg Queen.

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Thank you, One of Eight. That was an excellent presentation, don't you think? If you wish to know further details, contact us on assimilateme.com and we'll be round with our Home Assimilation Service.

We're waiting to hear from you!

TWQ: Failures

This week, TWQ (The Weekend Question) looks at failures in all their forms.

What failures can you remember? Inventions? Bad movies? Anything you like. List as many as you can think of.

My answers are:

1: Ishtar (1987 movie)
2: Edsel (1950's car)
3: Graham Taylor & Steve McLaren (both Engand soccer managers)
4: Sinclair C5 (useless electric car)
5: Heavens Gate (1980 movie that bankrupted the United Artists studio)
6: The Anthea Turner autobiography Fools Rush In..it only sold 451 copies in it's first week.

Now it's over to you...

Enterprise Anti Gravity Failure

When I wake up every morning, I expect to be lying in my comfy bed, not looking at it from the ceiling.

I'm floating in the air.

After managing to find the Com, I try and communicate.

"Number One!" I shout, "What is going on?"

"Sorry, sir" comes the reply, "It's happening all over the ship. The entire antigravity system has failed. Geordi is trying to repair it. You'll have to dig out the anti gravity boots."

Growling a few well-chosen words, I fumble along, floating down by holding on to the parts of the furniture that are too heavy to move.

Lighter objects are all floating around, including the picture I have of Bev that I keep next to my bedside.

I struggle to open the wardrobe door and find the boots. Now upside down, I manage to affix them on to my feet and switch them on.



Immdiately, I fall to the floor, landing on my head.

---------------

After a few moments, I wake up again, and after some difficulty, manage to put my uniform on. This isn't easy. After having a headache pill, I go outside and clump towards Engineering.


I see Seven of Nine floating in the air. She must have been in the corridor when the gravity stopped.


"Whoever did this must be assimilated." she comments with some venom.

I, and all the other crewmembers look as if we are walking on the bottom of the ocean. Then I have a brainwave.

"Number One." I say in my Com, "Transfer me within the ship to Engineering."

I appear there, and approach Geordi.

"Where is the anti-gravity device, Mr La Forge?"

"It's over here, Captain." he indicates, "We haven't taken much notice of it previously, as it's always worked normally."

We go to a tiny part of Engineering where I've never visited before to see the machine.



"What's this?" I ask, "It looks positively archaic."

"Starfleet did try to cut a few corners when building the Enterprise." explains Geordi, "It was either have a 400 year old prototype anti gravity machine and a ship with replicators, or have a brand new device. Well it hasn't failed up to now."

"Can you repair it, Mr LaForge?" I ask, "I can't keep walking around in these diver's boots."

"I'll give it a try." he replies, "Although I must admit, this is not my field of expertise. I'm more used to warp core technology."

"Sid the repairman would have done this without a problem." comments Riker, as his boots clump near, "But I checked and he is currently using a hammer and chisel with a door that is jammed on the USS Constitution."

"I think I've got it." says Geordi, "Prepare for activation!"

Everybody falls to the floor as the combined effect of the boots and restored gravity have their effect.

"Well done, Mr LaForge." I say, "Number One, I think I'll tell Starfleet that it's time for them to save up their pennies to buy a new anti-gravity machine."

Ensigns Wesley Crusher & Karena (Part Two)

Guest Poster: Wesley Crusher

Yay! My honeybunch Karena and I have just collected our Ensign Diplomas with the others in the Hall of Presentation. Now, we are awaiting our assignments. Captain Picard and Mom have been watching.

Mom continues to hug us.

"Careful, Mom." I say, you're embarassing me."

"I don't care." she replies, "I just want to hug my little baby!"

Karena raises her eyebrows.



"That is understandable, Beverly." she comments, "If my mother, Queen Diana of Wondawowman were here, she would also be most satisfied. However, she should probably just shake my hand and give me a new spear or battle armour as a reward."

I decide to talk to Captain Picard.

"Captain." I start, "Do you think there is any chance that Karena and I could be reassigned to the Enterprise? I've got so many old friends there?"

The Captain suddenly looks a little alarmed, but regains his composure.

"Err, Sorry, Wes." he replies, "Like I was telling your mother, there is just no room. We haven't had too many fatalities amongst the Away Teams lately. Even if there was just one, you wouldn't want to be split up from Karena, would you?"

"No, Captain." I concede, "I want to be with my honeybunch."

"Hi pumpkin." says Karena, as she approaches and kisses me on the cheek, "I hope we get assigned to a ship where a woman is the Captain. As I'm an Amazon, I don't like taking orders from men."

Captain Picard raises his eyebrows, and walks off, chatting to Mom.

"It's just a chain of command, Karena." I tell her, "It doesn't really matter whether the Captain is a man or woman."

Karena mumbles, saying she is not used to that. On Wondawowman, it is a matriachal society, where all women are in charge.

--------

We all hear, a few moments later, that we are to return to the Hall of Presentation to hear where we are to be reassigned.



"These are the starships where you will be posted, Ensigns." starts Admiral Paris, "Ensign Norm will go to the USS Columbia, Ensign Flushman to the USS Fairmont, and because of the high vacancies, and allowing that two of them are engaged, Ensigns Crusher, Karena and Tarah will go on the USS Rhode Island."

Karena goes livid on hearing that Tarah, her enemy, is also going with us on the same starship, but holds her cool.

We walk out of the Hall, as we do, Tarah walks past.

"Well." she says softly, "I guess we'll be seeing a lot of each other. As for you, Wes, I hope to see a LOT more of you."

Karena starts waving her spear, but I have to hold her back.

"Honeybunch," I say, "Ignore her. We'll soon be married. That's all that counts. Besides that, the good news is that on the USS Rhode Island has a female Captain."

On hearing this, Karena brightens.

"That's super, pumpkin." she says, "It looks like we'll have a good future on that ship."

"That's my girl." I reply.

"However." she comments, "I'll get my spear sharpened for Tarah to receive, should she cross my path."

--------------

Author's Note:

Dariana needs your support. She has been diagnosed with lung cancer. After you've visited mine, go to hers and give her your help. She needs it badly.

Ensigns Wesley Crusher & Karena (Part One)

Bev and I are beaming down to Starfleet Headquarters to meet her son Wesley and his fiancee Karena the Amazon.

They are both getting their Official Ensign Diplomas and then will be notified about where they will be placed.

That's what I'm dreading. I don't want those two on the Enterprise. Wesley is a walking disaster who continually puts the ship in danger, and Karena prods everybody with that spear of hers and doesn't like taking orders from men.

"Are you sure we can't get them on the Enterprise, Jean-Luc?" asks Bev as we walk to the Hall of Presentation, "Wes would feel so much at home there."

"We just don't have the room right now, Bev." I reply, "It is difficult getting a couple on the same ship, and I'm sure that's what what they want."

Beverly seems settled at this, and we proceed to the Hall. We sit down, and she gives a little wave to Wes and Karena, who are waiting to receive their Diplomas.

Just as I begin to eat the packet of peanuts I bought in, Admiral Paris enters.



He starts a long, tiresome speech about how these Ensigns will carry the flag in the future for Starfleet and the Federation.

Time for some more peanuts. I offer some to Bev, who is busily taking pictures of the event.

"..and so," Paris rambles on, "It gives me great pleasure to award the position of Ensign to these five worthy recipicants."

Bev is on standby with her holo-camera, waiting to record it all.

"Ensign Norm," he starts.

A Bolian gets up to take his Diploma.

"Ensign Flushman." Paris continues.

A tough looking human gets up, and sneers at Wes and Karena; she looks disgusted, and seems about to use her spear on him.

"Ensign Tarah." the Admiral next declares.



A beautiful Andorian woman steps up to receive the Diploma. She makes a great show of getting it, and blows a kiss towards Wesley. Karena looks like she is going to explode with anger.

Obviously, there has been some antagonism between them during the training at the Academy.

"Ensign Karena." Admiral Paris states.

Karena puts her spear down and goes up to receive it. She also makes a great show of it, then as she walks down, she looks at Tarah is if she is the lowest form of life and kisses Wes passionately. This clearly annoys Tarah.

"Ensign Wesley Crusher." the Admiral announces.

I hear a big "YAY!!" from the seat next to me as Bev goes into over-enthusiastic cheering and clapping. Everyone else applauds politely, but look round to see who is causing the noise.

Wesley receives his Diploma, and goes back to his seat, waving at Bev and myself, then embracing Karena.

-------------

A few minutes later, we are talking to Karena and Wesley.

"Well done, both of you." I tell them.

"I'm so proud of you, Wes." his mother tells him, then turns to Karena "But I did see some animosity between you and that Andorian woman. What's going on?"

"Don't worry, Beverly." Karena says with grim assurance, "It's nothing that I can't handle."

The Amazonian from the planet Wondawowman grips her spear firmly.

It looks like Tarah had better watch herself.

"Ah, Captain Picard, Doctor Crusher." says Paris as he sees us, "Good to see you here. You must be happy to see your son and his fiancee receive their Diploma."

"Indeed we are, Admiral." Bev replies.

"Well." he continues, "Very soon, the Ensigns will be called back in to hear which starship they will be placed on."

To be continued...

TWQ: Songs With A Colour

This week, TWQ (The Weekend Question) asks you to select certain songs.

How many songs can you name that have a colour in them? The more obscure the better. You don't have to try and remember the artist (many are covered anyway). List as many as you wish.

My answers are:

Black Pudding Bertha - The Goodies

White Light/White Heat - Lou Reed (also by David Bowie)

Yellow River -Christie

Blue Christmas - Elvis Presley

and the very obscure..

The Green Manalishi (With The Twin Pronged Crown) - Fleetwood Mac

Now it's over to you...

---------------

Jon, Intergalactic Gladiator sent me this doodle below. It looks like Riker has been trying to sit in the Captain's chair again!

Guinan At The Milliner

Guest Poster: Guinan

Deanna Troi knows how to annoy the crew.

In between having her chocolate sundaes, she is parading around Ten Forward like a model in those new outfits that Captain Picard let her buy on that budget.

"Why did you let her buy so much?" I ask him as he has another drink. Clearly he is annoyed that Deanna managed to get so much, then saying the shop has a ' no return policy' on goods.

"I just hope the Admiral doesn't find out." Jean-Luc continues, "He will think the cash is for a fleet of shuttlecraft."

Still, if Deanna can do it, so can I.

"Captain, I need new outfits as well, and in particular new hats."

Jean-Luc groans and almost chokes on the salted peanuts he was eating.

"Not you as well, Guinan!" he exclaims.

"It's only fair." I tell him, "I have to be here for the crew all the time in Ten Forward. I need to look smart."

---------------

A few hours later, I am in the Starfleet Mall after I got the budget from Captain Picard, who was mumbling about Starfleet won't be able to afford to build any starships for the next year now.

I head straight for Millicent the Milliner, the leading hat specialist of the Federation. I get all of my headwear from them.

In fact, I probably keep them in business.

When I enter the shop, Millicent moves forward.



"Guinan!" she tells me happily, "I'm so glad you came, The accountants said we needed to get some extra money this month. With you here, I'm sure we'll be able to."

"What new hats do you have for me, Millicent?" I ask.

"Oh, we have some super original designs." she replies, "Many that no one else would wear...I mean no one else has worn. Really eyecatching."

I think I hear Millicent's assistant laugh slightly at this remark.

She urges one of her assisants to bring out a large red hat.



"Now this model is called 'The Starship', Guinan." Millicent explains, "I'm sure you'll love it."

I hear one shop assistant whisper to the other, "It's called that because you can land a starship on it!"

Millicent rebukes them for it, Despite their remarks, I decide to order it. There's nothing like an enormous hat!"

-----------

I order a few other hats, and she arranges to have them sent to the Enterprise. A few hours later, I am in Jean-Luc's Ready Room with Deanna.

"You two realise what you've done with your clothes buying over the last few days?" he says, "Starfleet can't afford all this."

Beverly enters, wearing a beautiful new Starfleet outfit. She fails to see Deanna and myself.



"Thanks for this fab new outfit, Jean-Luc." she says, "You're so generous in letting it come out of Enterprise expenses."

The Captain keeps urging her not to say anything, but it is too late, and we both know.

"Yes, thank you, Captain!" Deanna and I both say with a smile, as we leave the Ready Room.

Deanna Troi's Spring Shopping

Guest Poster: Deanna Troi

"What is it you want, Counselor?" asks the Cappy as I enter his Ready Room.

"Actually." I tell him, "I think it was about time I got some new clothes for my spring collection."

I'm sure I can see the Cappy trying to suppress a giggle as he asks what I need any more clothes for.

"Being a Counselor is a matter of image, Captain." I say, "It's important that I look right for the weird people.... I mean the clients I have. My office needs new furniture as well. That couch is getting well worn with all the people that have to lie on it."

"It sounds like you just want some new clothes, Deanna." he comments.

I get annoyed at this suggestion, even though he happens to be right.

"You'd still have me looking like I used to, with my hair looking awful" I complain, "If I didn't have my annual spring update."



"Starfleet can't afford to clothe it's Counselors in specialist outfits." the Cappy complains.

"Why not?" I retort, "I thought currency had been abandoned in the Federation."

"We don't get uniforms and starships built on the goodwill of others ." he tells me, "Trade is important."

After realising he won't win against a woman, he gives me a budget to spend on.

Yippee! Shops here we come!

----------

Now I'm in the Starfleet Mall, and looking for the shop that I want. There it is...'Counselors R Us'. This great place has eveything the Starfleet counselor could want.

"Ah, we have Deanna Troi from the flagship vessel Enterprise." says a greeting female voice as I enter.



"Hello, Alexis." I tell her, "It is good to see you again."

"It is a pleasure to see you, also, Deanna." Alexis replies, "I had my entire staff on standby after I received your call, all ready to give you the very best of attention.

A few hours later, all the furniture is ordered for my office, plus more than a few for my own quarters, plus plenty of new clothes for my wardrobe, all ready to be beamed up to the Enterprise.

I look at one of my new outfits in the mirror.



"I must say, Deanna." Alexis , "Your Captain Picard is most generous with the budget that he gave you to spend."

Oh, I spent a lot more than I should." I tell her with a giggle, "I will tell him about your 'no return' policy on goods though, when he protests."

Ah, we women can be devious! giggle!

Translators

"This is one occasion when the Universal Translators will not work, Number One." I tell Riker as we go to the Transporter to welcome our guest.

"Why is that, Sir?" he asks.

"Because the Vral speak generally in hand signals." I tell him, "Though they do speak minimally, they prefer to use hands. As a result, a translator is coming aboard to teach us how to spreak in Vral."

"It sounds tricky."

"Indeed it does, Number One," I tell him, "Their signals are not easy as it is, I'm told."

-----------

The two of us wait the beaming in of the translator.



I introduce myself, and he says he is Ambassador Krell from the nearby planet of Dal. There, they speak normally as well as use the Vral sign language fluently. He asks for us and the senior staff to be gathered so that he can teach os basic Vral.

-----------

All of us are assembled in my Ready Room.

"If the Borg had assimilated the Vral." complains Seven of Nine, "There would be no need to go through this."

I wince at this, and ask Krell to start off.

"Firstly," he says, "In order to say hello, raise your hand in an open palm like this."

I do this, but Krell looks embarrassed.

"Not like that, Captain Picard." he tells me, "By holding the thumb slightly inward, it means you are expressing an intent to spend the night with that person."

I quickly put my thumb out and go red.

"Now hold both arms open." he instructs, "It means you are welcoming them to where you are."

We all practice doing this. Deanna is told off this time, as she held her arms too far. Again, according to Krell, this meant that they wished to spend the night with that person.

"Hold on, Ambassador Krell." I tell him, "How many gestures are there in the Vral sign language that could be mistaken for an intention of wishing to spend the night?"

"Oh, hundreds." Krell says casually, "Which is why you must learn the language carefully."

"It may also explain why the Vral population is very high." reasons Data.

---------------

Several hours later, we are ready to receive the Vral Ambassador. We are all sweating, with the exception of Data, who doesn't sweat.

"I willl welcome Ambassador Noor to the ship." says Krell, "Then introduce him to you, where the two of you can carry on in sign language.

That's the part I'm worried about.

In a few moments, the Vral Ambassador beams on.



Krell goes through a series of complex hand gestures, some of which I recognise from our training, others are way beyond me.

Finally, Krell presents me to Noor, and I start my hand signals, pointing to each of the staff and introducing them.

After that, we are all leaving the transporter room. Ambassador Noor pulls me aside.

"I am most flattered by your offer, Captain." he says quietly, "But I assure you, I'm not that kind of person."

I cringe and turn red faced.

I never was any good at sign language!

---------------

Author's Note:

Vegeta has unkindly left me a meme to do in which I should list seven random things about myself.

Here we go..

1: I always insist that the Captain's chair is clean, even if we are having alien invaders.

2: I had to replicate the bottle of Chanel Number 5 that I got for Bev for her birthday present as the shops had ran out.

3: I sing 'Oh What A Beautiful Morning.' in the sonic shower.

4: I do Jimmy Cagney impressions.

5: I still don't know how stardates are worked out.

6: I don't like metrication, although that is all the Federation use.

7: I had a sly scoop of Deanna's chocolate sundae while she turned to talk to Riker.

At this point, I'm supposed to nominate seven others, but I'm not so cruel, and will leave it to you.

TWQ: Pets

This week, TWQ (The Weekend Question) looks into an issue that is dear to many hearts; their pets, or what they would choose.

What pets do you have, and what breeds are they (or mixed)? If you don't have any pets, what would you choose?

My answer is:

I don't have any pets, but if I did, it would be a Minature Schnauzer dog. I also have a liking for reptiles, but would not like to feed them the live food!

Now it's over to you...

Ensign Britney Undercover (Part Six)

Guest Poster: Ensign Britney

Can things get much worse than they are right now?

Here I am, working undercover as a member of the Dregs of Society, a counterculture threatening to overthrow the Federation, and I've just been given a phaser disruptor to disintegrate the prisoner we have..my best friend and soulsistah, T'Pol.

If I don't do it, then I am going to be exposed as a Federation sympathiser, and I'll be next for the disruptor.

I must admit, I did have some sympathies for the Dreg lifestyle, as I'm no fan of authority myself. To be generous, Captain Picard has always makes sure I have the same brig when I am sent there, to make me feel at home.

------------

"Do it!" shouts Desdemona, leader of the Dregs, "Once we get this Federation snooper out of the way, we'll go and break my brother out of the penal colony."

An idea occurs to me, like it did when T'Pol and I didn't have enough money for the entrance fee to the Disco AGoGo Nightclub.

"Give me another disruptor, Desdemona." I command, "I want to finish her off in style!"

"Very impressive, Britney." comments Desdemona, "You have true Dreg authority."

I aim both guns at T'Pol, who looks horrified.

Carefully, I set one gun at a low setting and aim for her handcuffs. The disruptor shatters them.

I throw the other disruptor at T'Pol.



"Come on, sistah!" I shout, "Let's put this group away!"

"Britney!" exclaims Desdemona, "You're one of the Federation! You traitor!"

The door bursts open, and Worf, his security team and the senior staff enters, as we point our disruptors at the Dregs, keeping them at bay in the corner.

"It seems that our presence was not required, Captain." Data declares.

"Indeed, Mr Data." the Captain replies.

I tell him what happened, the plot to break Dirk Dreg out, and also hand him the computer chip with all the Dreg members on it.

"Very well done, Ensign Britney." Picard tells me.

That's a sentence I thought I'd never hear.

T'Pol and I hug each other as Desdemona is led away in chains. She stops to look at me in hatred.


"Don't think this is the end of the Dregs, Ensign Britney." she sneers, "Some of us will get out and be around. You will be top of our hit list for revenge. Admit it, you were a natural Dreg, and you sold us out to those you dislike conforming to."

Her comments hit a few sore points, but I did what I had to do. I can see that I can forget about getting a Christmas card from Desdemona.

"Good to have you back, sistah!" T'Pol tells me happily.

"Likewise." I reply, "I think this calls for an all-night session at the Disco AGoGo Nightclub!"

"Absolutely!"

Ensign Britney Undercover (Part Five)

Guest Poster: Ensign Britney

Things don't seem to be going well on my undercover mission, infiltrating the counterculture group The Dregs of Society.

One of the members, Vyla, is very suspicious of me, though I am liked by Tamara, who bought me in to the group and by Desdemona Dreg, their leader.

She has revealed that the Dregs' plan is to break Dirk Dreg out of the penal colony. I can't get this information out, as my life would be worth less than a Ferengi's 'money back guarantee'.

Besides that, I like the anarchic lifestyle they have. However, I have to put that aside and try and complete the mission.

----------

Desdemona approaches me, as we all wait for the signal to start to break-out mission.

"Britney, honey." she says, "I want to get your details on on the Dreg database, so that you are established as a fully fledged Dreg."

"Sure." I reply, and take out some chewing gum and sit back.

"You've got a great laid-back style, Britney." she comments, "I'm sure you'll be one of the top Dregs within a short time. Ones like Vyla are not leadership material. Now I'll just switch on the computer."



"Now then." Desdemona continues, "Name, Britney. Planet of Origin, Delta. Have you ever been in jail?"

"Oh, sure, lots of times." I reply.

Considering the amount of times I've been in the Enterprise brig, that's no lie.

"That's super." she comments, "What were you put in jail for?"

"Not conforming to rules, anarchic behaviour, annoying other people, refusal to obey orders."

"That is just great!" says Desdemona as she types the information in, "You sound like the Ideal Dreg."

I wouldn't have thought telling the absolute truth would be so handy.

Suddenly, she is called away from the computer, as another member wants her for something.

I see my opportunity. I take a computer chip from the heel of my Dr Marten boots, slip it into the computer and take a copy of the entire Dreg database.

With this, Starfleet will be able to track and jail every Dreg there is. I feel a tang of regret for having to do this, but it will ensure the success of my mission.

Desdemona returns, with an excited look on her face, as if she has got the winning ticket in her box of Galaxy Corn Flakes.

"Britney!" she exclaims, "You'll never believe who we've captured! An actual member of Starfleet!"

She indicates to Tamara to bring the prisoner in.



I look in horror as I see it is my soulsistah T'Pol!

The two of us exchange glances, but say nothing to indicate that we already know each other.

"We've talked to her a lot, Britney" says Desdemona, "But this one is a tough one, saying something like members of the Terran Empire never talk."

Desdemona places a disruptor in my hand.

"For your first mission, Britney." she says, "You can disintegrate this Starfleet lackey."

T'Pol and I look at each other in mutual horror at hearing this.

I have never so panic stricken since the day I was told that Delta Gum, my favourite chewing gum was ceasing production.

To be continued...

Ensign Britney Undercover (Part Four)

It's been nearly a week since I sent Ensign Britney undercover to infiltrate the Dregs of Society. I haven't heard a word from her.

The idea was for her to find out as much information as she could, and come straight out, but that hasn't happened. As she is so erratic and unpredictable, I don't know what to think.

Britney is about as reliable as a timepiece sold by a Ferengi dealer.

-----------

Deanna Troi and Beverly enter my Ready Room, where I am about to have a stress pill.

"Captain." says Deanna, "We'd like to talk to you about Ensign Britney."

At the sound of that, I decide to have two stress pills instead.

"What is it, Counselor?" I ask.

"We have been studying Ensign Britney's behavioral patterns." Deanna continues, "It seems she has a lot of the qualities that are also inherant in Dreg behaviour. Reluctance to accept rules, bad discipline, never one to conform."

"So what are you two saying?" I ask.



"We think that Britney could easily be a victim of Stockholm Syndrome, or the modern equivilant FourLight Fever, where the captor, or person with them can start to believe or sympathise with their beliefs." Bev tells me.

I put my head in my hands.

"She could reveal a lot of Starfleet secrets!" I say in despair.

"That will not happen!" exclaims a third voice in the room.



"T'Pol." Deanna says, "I know you're friends with Britney, but..."

"My soulsistah friend Britney may be unorthodox." T'Pol declares, "I agree, she may have sympathies with the Dregs, but she is a good Starfleet member and will carry out her mission."

Riker enters the room.

"I hope you're right, T'Pol." he says, "We've had word from sources around the main Dreg neighbourhood that the leader now is a Desdemona Dreg, sister of the imprisoned Dirk Dreg. Not only that, she has a new recruit who is in her favour and will soon rise high in their circles."

I groan.

"We've got to get her out now, Captain." Deanna says, "Before it is too late. She may be either trapped in there and is playing along until she sees her chance, or has turned into a Dreg."

"Send me." T'Pol asks, "I was top at the sneakiness and break in group in the Terran Empire Qualifying Exam."

An idea comes to me.

"Very well, T'Pol." I say, "You can go down and locate her. We'll tell you where the top Dreg areas are."

Satisfied, T'Pol leaves the Ready Room.

Deanna, Bev and Riker look amazed.

"Why did you send her alone, Captain." asks Riker, "She'll get captured."

"And lead us right to their Headquarters, Number One." I say, "We'll place a tracker on her before she beams down. Mr Worf his full security team and us all will be close behind."

"You may have a good idea, Jean-Luc." Bev tells me after the others have left, "Let's hope we are not to late to save Britney from the Dregs."

To be continued...

TWQ: To Do List For This Week

This week's TWQ (The Weekend Question) asks about the tasks you have to do.

What tasks have you pencilled in to do during the next seven days? Are there some you might find hard to find the time for? List as many as you wish.

My answers are:

1: This weekend (Saturday 8th) I shall go to the cinema to see 'The Other Boleyn Girl'. This is a definate intention!

2: I want to try and read the essay on Shakespeare's 'The Tempest' from The Complete Works which I just bought. This is prior to reading the play then seeing the DVD on the BBC Shakespeare Collection. I hope to read the essay at least!

3: Complete a tiresome job on Monday the boss of my office gave me. Whether I find the time for, or whether there aren't enough hours in the day, it has to be done!

Now it's over to you

Ensign Britney Undercover (Part Three)

Guest Poster: Ensign Britney

Yay! I love it when a mission is going well, like mine appears to be.

Tamara, the member of the Dregs of Society that I've met is taking me to the Dreg HQ. My mission is to infiltrate this counter-culture movement, which is gathering pace in the Federation, and is planning to overthrow the peaceful society on Earth.

I am taken to a secret underground chamber within an office building. No one would suspect the Dregs are here. The elevator opens up and the two of us go forward, where a group of strangely dressed individuals are around.

I say strangely dressed in the eyes of regular people, but to me they look perfectly normal. I could be dancing with them and my soulsistah T'Pol at the Cafe AGoGo Nightclub.

"Look who I have here!" exclaims Tamara, "This is Britney; she's a Deltan and wants to join the Dregs. She looks like she'll be a fab asset to the group."

"Well I don't like her!" says a sour voice.



"You never like anyone, Vyla!" snaps Tamara, "Britney is one of us, now."

I start to feel a little guilty, as if the teacher in class is declaring that someone has done something naughty.

"Well I DO like her!" says another voice from the rear of the room. A figure steps from the shadows and approaches me.



"Hello, Britney, honey." she says, "I'm Desdemona Dreg, leader of this group. It's a pleasure to welcome you to us. We need more Deltans. They are so good at their anti-Federation operations."

"Don't be too sure about it, Desdemona." Vyla warns, "There's something about this Deltan that I don't like. Are you really one of us, Britney?"

"Err...yeah..sure." I reply hastily.

"Vyla!" Desdemona shouts, "You should be grateful for the members we get. We didn't have very many for the Christmas Dreg Dinner Dance last December. Fortunately, membership has quadrupled since. Britney is one of us and is now my friend. We'll all be going on the big mission soon. That includes her."

My ears lift up at the sound of the words 'big mission' like those of a rabbit when they hear something...or a Vulcan or Ferengi."

"Err...what 'big mission' is that, Desdemona?"

"We're going to the penal colony, sweetie." she replies, "We're gonna break my brother Dirk Dreg out of there so that he can lead us all to a triumphant Dreg victory."

I go and look outside. My heart is sinking.



The Dregs' clothing and lifestyle are my kinda people, but their criminal activities are not. Am I betraying them if I can lead them into a trap at the penal colony? Anyway, I can't get any information out to the Enterprise. The Dregs are watching me closer than a three-eyed walachi bird.

These sort of choices are harder for me than picking what style of Dr Martens boot to wear.

To be continued after the weekend TWQ...

Ensign Britney Undercover (Part Two)

Guest Poster: Ensign Britney

This is cool!

I'm on a solo undercover mission to save the Federation from the destablising influence given by the Dregs of Society.

This group are resurfacing, and Captain Picard needs someone to go undercover into their organisation in order to find out what is going on. Apparently, they thought that none of the Dregs would know I was from Starfleet.

---------------

The Enterprise has beamed me down to Earth.

I've put my dark wig on, got dressed in my best outfit and have decided to walk around the area in San Fransisco where Dreg counter-culture is at it's highest.



I get mixed reactions from certain people; some think I'm naturally one of the Dreg group, some others look disgusted, as if I am an alien.

Actually, I AM an alien. I'm from the planet Delta.

How am I going to get anywhere? This undercover lark isn't going to help unless I can't get under someone's cover. I'll have to start taking a few chances, like I did when I bought that new flavour chewing gum.

Approaching me is a woman who has the air of a Dreg.



Actually, I love that outfit she is wearing. I'll have to remember to ask her where she got it from if I can get into the organisation. Come to think of it, it might be a good way opening line.

"Cool threads, sistah." I tell her with a smile, "I'd love to wear some outfits like that."

"No problem, honey." she replies, "We have plenty at the little group I'm in."

"Which one's that?" I ask hopefully.

"Hey, we're the Dregs of Society!" she tells me triumphantly, "We're gonna take this 'perfect' world apart with our secret goings-on!"

"That's cool." I say, "I've always wanted to be in that gang. I'm a Deltan, and as you know we're real free-thinkers and don't like things to be 'normal'. whatever that is."

"A Deltan?" she exclaims, "That's brill! We always need them in the Dregs, as they are our most efficient members. I'm Tamara. Who are you?"

"I'm Britney." I tell her.

"Good." answers Tamara, "Come with me and I'll take you to our secret Dreg HQ, where you'll meet a lot of cool people. I'm going to get some bonus points in my salary this month for recruiting a new Dreg member."

I go along with her. Though I'm getting well in, I can't help feeling that she is a little like me. I hope I'll be able to accomplish my mission. Maybe I have a hint of Dreg in my heart?

To be continued...

Ensign Britney Undercover (Part One)

I am talking with Admiral Harriman on my videoviewer.

I only seem to get messages from him when there is trouble. One thing I'll have to try is see if I can block his messages like the 21st Century computers did with spam. His messages are about as welcome as ones promising wonder pills or from lawyers of African princes who perished in a plane crash and want to use my account to transfer money.

My mind is wandering.

"Captain Picard!" Harriman says, "Are you listening?"

"Of course, Admiral."

"Well, like I said." he continues, "The Federation is getting worried about the Dregs of Society. They seem to be on the rise again."

The Dregs were an underground counter-culture who were trying to destabilise the harmonious set-up that exist on Earth. Their leader, Dirk Dreg is currently in a penal colony.

"What evidence do you have?" I ask.

"Sources tell us that they are slowly gaining in numbers." Harriman tells me, "We need to get someone on the inside and find out just what is going on."

"I think the Dregs know myself, Riker, Doctor Crusher or Deanna Troi." I tell him.

"Not you!" Harriman laughs, "Any of you are far too old. The Dreg ringleaders would spot you in an instant. Besides that, you are too well known. However, you do have a member of the crew who would be able to infiltrate the Dregs without a problem. No one would suspect she was with Starfleet."

I give a look of horror and drop my cup of Earl Grey tea,

"Surely, Admiral." I croak, "You can't mean...?

"Yes, Picard." he confirms, "Ensign Britney will fit in perfectly with the Dregs."

So well, she'd probably be leader within half an hour.

-----------

A few moments later, Ensign Britney has been brought from the brig and is sitting in my Ready Room.



She takes a strip of chewing gum from inside her Dr Martens black boots and plays with Fido, her pet dog, while she listens to the assignment I am giving her from Admiral Harriman.

"Cool!" she exclaims, "Can I take my soulsistah T'Pol or my dog along for the ride?"

I sigh.

"No, Ensign." I reply, "This is a dangerous mission. They may recognise T'Pol as a non-Dreg, and Fido's safety may distract you from your objective."

"Yeah, I guess you're right." admits the Deltan.

"Now the Dregs will always dress in weird clothes that no normal person will use." I tell her, "We will give you a range of clothes for you to use so that you won't be detected."

"No need, Captain." Britney replies, "I'll just use my own clothes, "They will be wilder than anything you can provide."

Now why didn't I guess that?

Britney leaves the room the prepare for mission. Deanna comes in.



"I'm concerned, Captain." she informs me, "Do you think Britney will be safe from the Dregs?"

"Actually, Counselor." I reply, "I think we should consider whether the Dregs are safe from Britney."

To be continued...

TWQ: TV Series Romances

This week, TWQ (The Weekend Question) takes a look at those romances that have always existed between characters in comedy and drama series in television.

What romances can you recall, unfulfilled or otherwise, can you recall on television between characters? List as many as you like.

My answers are:

Jack O'Neill and Samantha Carter (Stargate SG1)
Richie Cunningham and Lori Beth (Happy Days)
Del Boy Trotter and Raquel Turner (Only Fools & Horses)
David Addison and Maddie Hayes (Moonlighting)
Mork and Mindy (Mork and Mindy)
Gil Grissom and Sara Sidle (CSI)

and to save anyone adding....

Jean-Luc Picard and Beverly Crusher (Star Trek: The Next Generation)

Now it's over to you...