Sunday, November 18, 2007

Britney The Elf

After Seven terried the children last year as the Head Elf when I played Santa Claus for the Enterprise children last year, I've decided to hold a lottery to choose who will have the Elf title this year.

Deanna approaches me. She is looking a little nervous.

"Well, Deanna" I ask, "Who has won the lottery this year to look after the children? Is it you, Beverly, Ro, Jadzia or..."

You won't like it, Captain." she tells me with a slight tremble in her voice.

"As long as it isn't..." I start to say, and her the clump of Doc Martens boots approaching in an adjacent corrider."

"Please, Deanna" I ask, "Say it isn't so."

"I'm afraid so, Captain."

Ensign Britney comes towards me.

The Deltan Ensign is wearing a blonde wig, a bright green transparent dress that seems to be barely on and large Dr Martens boots.

"Okay, Captain." she says, "I've got my elf costume on. I'm ready to start."

"You can't go in like that!" I exclaim, "It's hardly the sort of outfit an Elf wears."

"They do on the planet Delta, where I come from from." she replies quickly, "You know about the rule in Starfleet about wearing native dress."

Britney is pretty sharp when she wants to be. Regretfully, I have to let her wear it, while Beverly, Ro and Deanna wear normal elves outfits while being her helpers."


Hours later, the children are lined up outside the holodeck, which has been programmed into Santa's Grotto. I'm in the centre of it, dressed as Santa Claus. The Elf Helpers welcome the children, while the Head Elf (Britney) takes them to meet me.

I hear lots of excited children waiting. Through a hole in the cavern, I see the first child coming in. Beverly, dressed in a bright red elf costume takes the young boy, who I recognise as Jason, son of Crewman Brown to Britney. His eyes light up when he sees Britney.

Britney takes out her chewing gum and places it under a rock, ready to pick up later.

I groan.

"Do you wanna meet Santa?" Britney says to Jason, and the young boy takes her hand.

A few moments later, Jason approaches. I am in a big red outfit, with a cushion down the front and a large white beard.

I start saying "Ho, ho, ho, young man."

"Do you wanna sit on Santa's knee?" Britney asks Jason.

"No!" Jason replies firmly, "I want to sit on YOUR knee, Britney!"

"I'm the Head Elf." Britney says.

"If you say so." Jason comments, "I'll still prefer to sit on your knee."

"If you don't sit on my knee." I tell him, "I won't bring you a present on Christmas Eve."

Grudgingly, he complies, and I ask him what he would like for Christmas."

"Ensign Britney!" he pipes up sharply.

"Santa can't give people as presents." I tell him.

"Why not?" Jason asks, "You are Captain Picard, after all. They have to do what you tell them."

I groan again. I think Jason is a little too old to visit Santa.

After a few more visits, we have a work break. Britney gets her chewing gum from the rock and starts on it again.

"Do you want some spare chewing gum?" she asks.

At first, I say no, then realise I'm not going to get anything else. I reluctantly take some gum from Britney.

The break is over a few moments later, and I start to take the gum out, but get it all tangled up in my beard.

I am fighting to get the gum out when Britney brings in little Meredith to see me. The gum gets even more tangled in my beard and I am forced to tear my beard off.

This causes Meredith to cry, and runs from the Grotto, wailing, "Santa has lost his beard!"

Why is it things never go right when I play Santa Claus?


Random Magus said...

Ensign Brittany as head elf and chewing gum - that's a sure shot recipe for disaster...

Amanda said...

Don't give up Captain. You just need to relax a little. Next time try to be a roaming Santa, I always found it so stiff that Santa had to sit in the chair and children had to line up. is definitely one thing that makes them stay in a line.

Titania Starlight said...

Oh my what a day. First Britney with her dress and her nasty gum, then that little brat Jason and finally your beard falling off. I think you need a spot of Brandy to calm your frazzled nerves.

spacerguy said...

Lets face it Captain, Jason had you sussed from the groto gates. We can hardly blame him for wanting to try out the Elf Britney chick. Then poor Meredith discovers Santa's a fake!! You've really got to get it together man, christmas is around the corner. Thanks for the laughs.

spacerguy said...

Captain would you mind reserving a spot for me in your guest quarters and I'll spiffy up my little starship to make room for you as a show of good friendship and ultimate good faith in earthie relations! How about it?

Vella said...

And Green is normally my favorite color too. Wait your Santa Claus?

The Mistress of the Dark said...

Oh dear...Ensign Britney as Head Elf? But yeah, I imagine she makes all the little boys smile.

The Curmudgeon said...

The mistress of the dark said she imagined that Elf Britney "makes all the little boys smile." Probably some of the big boys, too. How many of the male crewmembers did you have to shoo out of the line to see Santa, Captain?

Jana said...

Jason is like those teenagers you see trick-or-treating. Except creepier.

Gordon said...

Captain I'll get on to that data glitch right away I'm sure it's a glitch it has to be. I'm sure Meredith will be fine.
I prescribe for you a cup of Earl Grey with a shot of fine french brandy it, the real stuff, Guinan has tucked away in 10 forward..
Ah found it sir, seems there was a little non-randomness about the "picking" this year somehow "Ensign Britney" occupies all the name slots, I'll look into this further..

Jean-Luc Picard said...

Jana, I think you're right about Jason. Maybe it's the same one on the Friday 13th films?

Curmudgeon, I think Britney scares the older crew members.

MOTD, she probably does!

Titania, where's the brandy??

Ellee said...

Could I be the elf please? I'd be much better than Britney.

Amanda said...

Hi Captain Picard,
Your journal entries always entertain me. I left you something on my blog as a 'Thank You'.

Serina Hope said...

I have a prize for you up at my place !

Mykol said...

If everything goes wrong when your Santa, Maybe Riker should be Santa instead...

Lahdeedah said...

Are you still allowed to say Ho ho ho in the future?

See, just out here in Colorado, they came out with a new notion, that Santa can't say Ho Ho Ho anymore, on account of offending women...

as a woman... i think that is the stupidest thing I've heard in a while. Tell me you get to say ho ho ho in a jolly fashion and not ha ha ha in a weird, old man pervert manner.

Tony Stark Iron Man said...

how can i get HEnsign Britanny as a present.

Vince Briefs said...

Um Wow if I wan't excited about the Christmans Party before...

Bilbo said...

Ensign Britney as an elf...the mind boggles. What next? The Borg Queen trick or treating?

Jean-Luc Picard said...

Bilbo, I'm sure the Borg Queen would get a lot of treats. She would say "Give me a treat or you will be assimilated."

Vince, Tony, you need to control yourselves.

Lahdeedah, I heard about that incident in Colorado.

Amanda, Serina, I'll take a look at your blogs.

Linda said...

An elf?? Is that what they're calling them these days??

Mark Dykeman said...

JL: it's good to see you attempt to broaden your skill set. Word on the street is that you need to be able to hug old ladies and kiss babies to make Admiral, so playing Santa may be a good start!

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