Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Seven The Elf

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Locutus approaches me.

"Ah, Seven" he says, I've got a small favour I'd like to ask of you."

"What is it, Locutus?" I reply.

"Well, I'm due to be Santa Claus for the children in the Enterprise Grotto" he starts, "I'd like you to be one of my Elfs, along with Beverly Crusher, Deanna Troi and Jadzia Dax."

"I will not comply." I tell him.

"Actually, it's an order, Seven." Locutus tell tells me, "Or else I will revoke your privileges around the ship."

"Very well." I say grudgingly, "But the Borg Queen shall hear of this treatment. She will not be pleased. The Borg are supreme!"

"Yes, yes" he says dismissively, "And don't call me Locutus. It's Captain Picard."


A short while later, I am dressed in a green outfit with an absurd hat. Crusher, Dax and Troi are with me in similar outfits of different colours.

"Is this what humans are supposed to be like?" I ask them, "It's little wonder the Borg can crush them so easily."

"It's for the children!" Troi tells me irritatingly, "We create a make believe world for them in which we guide them through Santa's Grotto in the holodeck and take them to Captain Picard, who plays Santa Claus."

"Just who is 'Santa Claus'?" I ask.

"He is the patron saint of children, Seven" Crusher goes on, "He delivers toys that have been made by his elves, puts them on his sleigh and takes them to all the children on Christmas Eve?"
This is puzzling.

"Such a feat cannot be accomplished." I tell them, "Is he a member of the Q Continuum?"

"Err, no" Dax replies with a smile. I fail to see the humour.


I have been told that I am to stand with the children and escort them in, taking them in to Locutus, where Dax, Crusher and Troi will take them right up to him; Locutus is dressed in a red cloak, hood and white beard. Every so often he practices by saying "Ho! Ho! Ho!" or "What do you want for Christmas?" in an absurdly deep voice.

I still fail to see the purpose of it; the Borg Queen will be fascinated by my Report about it.

A few children are gathered by me; some are crying very loudly.

"You shall be silent!" I tell them.

They look at each other then cry even louder.

"If you are not silent, I shall take you to the Borg Queen and have you assimilated!" I inform them with some authority.

"Are you the Borg woman?" a young girl asks me, "I'm Meredith, and my mommy says you will assimilate all of us in our sleep. Have you assimilated Santa Claus?"

"Actually we have" I tell them.

All the children scream and run out of the holodeck. Crusher comes running in from the inner Grotto.

"What was all that noise?" she asks, "Where have the children gone, Seven?"

"I informed them that Santa Claus has been assimilated." I announce, "They chose to scream and leave."

"You did what?" she replies, "Stay there and I'll try and get them back."


Some time later, after the children have been rounded up, and taken into the Grotto, Locutus comes out; he looks worn out.

"I don't know how I manage to do this job as Santa every year." he says, "Those children get worse; they cry and are sick over my uniform. It takes forever to get the stains out."

"You have completed this assignment for this year." I say to him.

"That is true, Seven." he replies, "Though I couldn't understand why the first question they asked me was whether I would assimilate them when I bought their toys on Christmas Eve."


Jana said...

Well, this explains how Santa gets all those elves to work round the clock making toys for him. He assimilates them.

TX said...

hmmm Next he will have poor seven baking cookies and feeding red nose deers

UngaMan said...

Santa had been assimilated! LOL

Spider-Man said...

ummm... aint it a tad early for christmas?

Summer Dawn O'Ciardha said...

Seven, I rarely laugh, but that is funny. I cracked up.

I find you Borg most fascinating. A primitive form of vampires, that use technology as a basis for change.

What do you know? We learn something new every day.

Anonymous said...

Seven I adore your sense of humour!
Assimulate santa... say while your at it can you assimulate christmas as well?????

bah humbugs!

Lahdeedah said...

Santa comes down the chimeny Christmas Eve and assimilates all the naughty boys and girls....

Much better than coal in a stocking.

Squirrel said...

I wouldn't mind if he came and assimilated my kids... But put a chip in there to make them subordinate to me not the Borg Queen.

Professor Xavier said...

"Who is Santa Claus?"

Now that's just sad. I guess the Borg aren't much on nurturing.

SQT said...

Santa could sit in his chair and tell the children "resistance is futile" as they sit on his lap. They'd have nightmares for years.

dragonflyfilly said...

i love Seven of 9 -- actually "sqt" - i think it is the parents who KNOW that "resistance is futile" when it comes around to the Christmas Madness...luckily my child is "all growed up", well, almost, she still likes her Christmas stocking and i always get a long list this time of year, but at least i don't have to drag her to Christmas Parades and Fake Santas at crowded overheated Malls where the parking lots are worse than an Indianapolis 500 Speedway.

....well, back to my Krissy Cards, and recipe books.....

Nic said...

Oh that's rich.

Dearest Captain, please don't forget me for the Christmas party invite! I'll be there with bells on! (And some more fun stories) I had a real ball last year!

Lynn said...

My imagination is reeling!

Bob-kat said...

Ah, Borg implants for Christmas. Is that the 'must have' present this year then? And perhaps some lotion to allevaiate the itching Borg implants can cause?

Jean-Luc Picard said...

I'm sure we can scare a few children bt telling them Santa will assimilate any naughty boys and girls ans take them away to be enslaved by the Borg Queen.

Trinity13 said...

I hoped you passed out candy canes to the kids Capt!

craziequeen said...

I love the idea of Seven as an elf :-)


BarbaraFromCalifornia said...

Poor Santa! Even he has been hit by assimulation!!

Love the photo, by the way.

Shelley said...

LOL! I absolutely LOVE the "You Shall Be Silent!" line used on the children...funny how when I tried that on my kids it didn't work...

GREAT, FABULOUS pic of Seven 'o Nine. Now I know what I must be for Halloween next year!!! My hubby wouldn't mind if I assimilated him if I looked like Jeri Ryan. LOL!!!

Mother Jones RN said...

This is a great post. I wonder if the Borg Queen would like some Christmas candy along with all those assimilated kids.


Anonymous said...

mon Kapitano, i hope you don't mind if i use your Blogspot to let all and sundry know that i am having trouble getting through to some Blogs, including my own....must be this storm that has hit North America today...high winds, floods on the Island, but very warm temperature here in Surrey, 20 degrees! i wonder if we will have power when i wake up tomorrow morning?

cheers for now
vv vv

The Mistress of the Dark said...

There are a few kids I know that need to be assimilated!

Have a great day captain.

Jean-Luc Picard said...

MOTD, I know quite a few who need to be assimilated as well.

Mother Jones, I'm sure the Borg Queen would happily give out Christmas candy and decorate a Cube if she could take them to the Assimilation Chamber.

Shelley, you're right. I know many would willingly want to be assimilated by Jeri Ryan.

Moogie said...

Somehow, I don't think he should be asked to help out the Easter Bunny. :)

Camy Tang said...

ROFL! You made my day, Captain.

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