Jenny & The Baroness (Part One)

Guest Poster: Jennifer Baxter

"I must say." Data informs me in our quarters, "That you have become rather obsessive about catching the female criminal known as The Baroness."

"No one is going to get away from me, Data." I reply, "I had almost caught her on that planet. No leather-clad crook is going to get away from me."



"I have noticed you looking through the computer files and copies of The Galactic Gazette for any clues as to her whereabouts." he informs me.

"So what if I have?" I retort, "I'm not going to let here beat me! What's this?"

I suddenly see a headline: 'Daring jewelry robbery on Minos III. Priceless diamonds and emeralds stolen. No clues as to thief, but witnesses saw a figure in black leather jumping from the rooftops.'

"That's The Baroness!" I yell out, "I'm coming to nab you, honey!"

When I explain the situation to Captain Picard, his reaction is predictable.

"There are no positive sightings of The Baroness, Lieutenant." he says, "So we cannot divert the Enterprise to Minos III on a suspicion."

"Well send me out in a shuttle." I say in frustration, "She's one of the most wanted criminals there is."

The Captain sighs and agrees. At this moment, Britney and T'Pol burst in, who had obviously been listening at the door, as they fell on the floor, and were both holding glass cups.



"Can we come too?" they both say, "You'll need us to catch The Baroness."

"No!" I reply, "You'll cramp my style. I work better alone"

"I think it might be better if Britney and T'Pol go with you, Lieutenant." the Captain decides, "It's just too dangerous for you to go on your own."

"Yay!" Britney shouts, and I roll my eyes.

---------

Half an hour later, I am in my leather outfit, piloting the shuttle, bound for Minos III. Behind me are an assortment of weapons, including my multiphase disruptor. Britney and T'Pol are playing strip poker.

They are supposed to protect me?

To be continued after the TWQ...

TWQ: Risky Things You've Wanted To Do

This week, TWQ (the Weekend Question) asks if about risky things that you have either done or would like to do.

What risky things have you ever done, and what would you like to do? List bas many as you wish.

My answers are:

Accomplished.:

Rode on the back of a Harley Davidson (as a passenger).

Would like to do:

Jump out of an airplane (only with someone taking me down!)
Go up in a hot air balloon

Now it's over to you....

Junk Space Mail

How these people got my address is beyond me, but the incoming mail I tend to get on computer or hand delivered seems very suspicious. Here is a sample:

Dear MR PICARD,

CONGRATULATIONS!!

You have won 100 latinum bars! Just fill in the details below, including your bank account details and credit card number and we'll post the bars off to you right away!

That went straight in the shredder. If I knew who sent it, they would be in the airlock.

Here's another....hold on, the video screen is on.



"Hi there, Mr Picard!" says an over enthusiastic young person whose grin wants me just to punch him, "Just to let you know that we'll be sending you a large blue envelope in the next few days. Respond to it and you could win..."

"I don't want it!" I snap back angrily.

"Of course you do,. Mr Picard." he continues undeterred, "This envelope could mean you'll win enough to go on a trip to the Risa pleasure planet in a starship."

"I've been to Risa five times this year and am the CAPTAIN of a starship." I point out.

"Oh." he replies then adds n"Maybe you'll like the envelope anyway." before hastily switching off.

Gah!

I then throw out all the others, some offering 'instant hair grow', others to 'increase my performance' and zimmer frames to help me., all at prices that are so high, they sound like blackmail demands.



This is getting out of hand, Captain." Deanna tells me, as she comes in. "We are all getting junk mail nowadays"

Are the Ferengi financing all this? It fits in with their 'Laws of Acquisition' that they live by. The lotteries that are from far flung or ficticious planets that claim I have won, or say I mjust need to buy a useless gadget. Further investigation has shown that a distant plant named Spam might be behind it all.

From now on, all messages are on an 'instant-shred' when certain topics come in.

It's an invasion the Federation has to win!

Parole Hearing

I've been invited to give my thoughts at a parole hearing.

Some time ago, a machine turned me into a criminal, and I formed my own crime syndicate. They were all arrested when the unit was reversed and put me right.I believe it's far too early, and need to put my reasons.

I sit outside the courtroom, until the officer calls "Captain Jean-Luc Picard!"

At this, I walk into the large court. I feel I am in a zoo, and I'm the chief exhibit that all the crowds have come to see. The judge asks me to stand in the witness box. It's then I hear a familiar sound.

"Hiya Johhny!!!!"



It is Toots,the woman who was my 'moll' when I was a criminal.

"Hi Johnny." she continues, "When I get out of the slammer, maybe we can hook up again sometime?"

"The defendant will remain quiet." orders the judge.

"I know." Toots replies, "Shut my yap."

"Now." continued the judge, "We are here to determine whether this young lady and these men.






The judge indicated the other two members of my gang, both of whom looked like reprobates.

"Do you think they should be released, Captain Picard?" the judge enquired.

"They led a life of crime, at one stage, as I did, due to an unfortunate accident." I tell him, "But it is how they have behaved since that is important. I have had prison reports that confirm that the males run their own protection racket whilst in jail."

"Hey, a guy's gotta make a living." says Lefty, "Even when he's in the big house."

"What about the woman known as 'Toots?'" asks the judge.

"While it may seem that she has a spotless prison record, "Further investigation has shown she has been calling herself  'Madame Felice." and running an err...'escort service' from the prison."

"Madame Felice?" asks the judge, reddening.

"That's right." Toots admits, looking at the judge, "I thought I recognised you, Mr Brown."

"Those two can be put in prison." the judge hurriedly says, "I think it's time the woman was released."

"See you next week, Mr Brown." Toots says to the judge, then looks at me, "Godo to see you Johnny. If you want to start the gang up again, let me know, I'm your gal!"

I groan.

TWQ: Odd Cures

This week, I had water in the ear, which caused it to block up. All sorts of cures were proposed, such as jumping up and down on one leg, and lying on a sock of warm rice. TWQ (the Weekend Question) asks if you have heard of any odd cures for problems.

What odd cures for ailments have you heard about? List as many as you wish.

My answers are:

Hiccups: Shocking someone.

Also Swimmer's Ear.....see above.

Now it's over to you...

Doctor Alyssa Ogawa (Part Three)

Guest Poster: Alyssa Ogawa

My arrival back on the Enterprise was met with a little resistance from Beverly as she feared I was encroaching on her territory now that I am a doctor. However, things developed when she collaped. I analysed that she has a virus in her appendix. It needs to be removed right away, otherwise she will die.

-----

I get my surgical gear on. As I expect, Captain Picard shows up, looking distraught, as if he has been told there is no more Earl Grey tea on the ship.

"Doctor Orgawa.." he stutters, "What is going on?"

"You must let me operate now." I reply in my best 'professional doctor' voice. "If I act fast, I will be able to save her."

I call up the EMH to assist me.



"What is the nature of the medical emerge....oh."  he says as the Doctor sees Beverly lying on the operating table, then looks at me.

"You are a mere nurse." he tells me coldly, "I will have to carry out the operation."

"I'm a doctor now!" I reply sharply, "Update your programming. You will assist me by handing out the instruments."

"Handing out the instruments!" he gasps, "I am not a nurse!"

"Doctor." calls out Captain Picard, "Please assist Doctor Orgawa so that Beverly lives." The EMH  mutters, as if he has been told he can't sing opera any more.



Fortunately, the Captain is backing me up, although I've got a strong feeling that if I fail to save Beverly, I'll be back amongst the bedpans faster than I can say "I'm sorry Captain."

I open Beverly up and see the poisoned appendix. The virus in it is about to spread throughout the rest of the body, but the removal of that stops it happening. I check throughout to make sure there were no traces left inside and sew her back up again.

"Well done, Doctor Orgawa." the EMH grudgingly says, "Your fast work saved the patient's life. Had I examined it, it may have taken a little longer and maight have endangered her."

"You did a magnificent job, Doctor Orgawa." the Captain tells me.

-------------

Hours later, a slightly sleepy Beverly is sitting up, and has been told of everything that happened.



She hugs me.

"Thank you, Alyssa." she says, "You saved my life.". She then hesitantly continues, "I  know I was a little cold towards you when you returned. I'm sorry for that. Welcome back to the Enterprise."

TWQ: Fears

This week, I jhad a tooth extracted, as the first part of an implant procedure. It was quite scary before wondering what the dentist was going to do. This week, TWQ (the Weekend Question ) asks what fears have you had before something  was about to happen.

What fears have you had before it actually happened? List as many as you wish.

My answers are:

* Not knowing what the dentist is going to do.

* Rumours of another office reorganisation where no one knows what is going in.

* The unknown

Now it's over to you...

Doctor Alyssa Ogawa (Part Two)

Guest Poster: Alyssa Ogawa

Since my return to the Enterprise as Doctor, things are starting to thaw out between me and Beverly Crusher. I think she sees me as encroaching on her territory though I am just second doctor to her more senior position of Chief Medical Officer. I wish she would give me some of the more 'juicier' surgical tasks, rather than those that are akin to a experienced nurse.



"Beverly." I ask, "The next time a Grade A surgery case comes into SickBay, is it okay if I do it."

"I'd like you to, Alyssa." she replies, "But you know the rules about Grade A cases. They have to be handled by the Chief Medical Officer...in other words...by me!"

I knew she'd throw that rule at me, as she is technically right. Bev grips her stomach and winces.

"Are you all right?" I ask.

 "Sure." she answers, "Just a mild stomach ache. Run along and complete the forthcoming SickBay manifest for me."

 I storm out of the office. Such a derogatory job that a trained gibbon could do..even an untrained one!

Now in the corridor, I go on my way to Ten Forward to have a Saki and bourbon to calm my irritated temper. Then I change my mind. I'm going to give that redhead a piece of my mind! I'm nobody's doormat any more, not even Doctor Doormat!

I rush back into the SickBay. That Chief Medical Officer will see what happened when I went to on the Assertive Training Course...I wish I hadn't been told I couldn't go on it any more, though.



"Now look, Beverly." I start, "I've had just about enou..."

I'm talking to thin air, until I realise that Beverly is lying on the floor unconscious.

I summon a nurse and we carry her to the nearest biobed

"That stomach ache she had..." I muse to myself. The screen tells me the shocking details that an infection has spread in her stomach and has turned her appendix into a carrier. It needs to be removed quickly and delicately otherwise she won't live much longer.

"We need the Emergency Medical Hologram on this." advises the nurse.

"He can pass the surgical equipment." I say firmly, "But this needs a REAL Doctor to do the job. Get me ready!"

To be continued after the TWQ......

Doctor Alyssa Ogawa (Part One)

Guest Poster: Alyssa Ogawa

Well, here I am back on the Enterprise!

After so long as being in the background as a nurse, I studied really hard, and am now a fully fledged bona fide doctor. It'll be no more "Pass the medipac, nurse", or "Clean out the automatic bedpan, nurse.". From now on, I'll get an underling of my own to do all that.

Well, naturally, Beverly Crusher will be my superior. She is the Senior Medical Officer on board. I hope doesn't think I'm encroaching on her territory.

I beam on the ship from Starbase Four. The Enterprise had been collecting me from there. On the Transporter pad, Captain Picard and Beverly Crusher are there to greet me.



"Greetings, Doctor Ogawa." welcomes the Captain, "It's good to see you on the Enterprise once again. You were invaluable as a nurse, now I'm sure you will be a highly efficient doctor."

"Thank you, sir." I reply,. and see that Beverly isn't too keen on seeing me.




"Come with me to SickBay." Bev says with all the chilliness of an ice cream. When we arrive she invites me into her office.

"Why are you uptight, Bev?" I ask, "We were great friends in the old days."

"Things have changed, Alyssa." she answers, "Before, you were a nurse....and a good one at that. Now you're a fellow doctor. I want to remind you that I'M the Senior Medical Officer here, and you still have to obey what I say, is that clear?"

"Message received and understood, Doctor Crusher." I say with a vein of sarcasm.

"However." Beverly continues, "You can terrorise the nurses and the Emergency Medical Hologram as much as you wish." with a slight smile.

Bev might think things are not like the old days, but I think after a while they soon will be! I always used to enjoy setting off those exploding bedpans!

To be continued.......

TWQ: Economy Films

This was done a long time ago, but is a favourite on TWQ (the Weekend Question). List films that have a different title becvause they they were cheaply made.

Can you list some films that would have different titles if they were cheaply made? List as many as you wish.

My answers are:

The Hour
Harry Potter
The Average Two
Ocean's One
Around The Block In One Day
The Bird

Now it's over to you....

Bev & Jean-Luc On Vacation (Part Two)

Guest Poster: Beverly Crusher

Having been thrown out of the Hotel Paradiso on Risa because of a double booking that ended up with Jadzia and Worf getting our room, Jean-Luc and I are combing all the hotels trying to find somewhere to stay.

At this time, there is a peak season on Risa and every hotel is jam-packed. We started off by enquiring at all the five star places. Then the four. Right now, we are coming to the end of the one stars, and will soon be on to the no-stars then they 'stay at your own risk ones'.

"Let's go back to the Enterprise, Bev." suggests Jean-Luc, "We can go in the holodeck and stay in a copy of the Penthouse suite and see the same things."

"No!" I snap back, "I want a real vacation, "Not something out of a computer circuit."

So we continued walking on. As we started to exhaust them all all, many said, "The only likely place is Miss Wilkes', but I'm not sure you'd want to stay there."

This began to be a frequent phrase, so we asked a hotel owner for directions. He seemed amazed that we wanted to go there.

"You REALLY want to go to the Muncie Hotel?" he said, "Better you than me." He gave us the appropriate directions and we headed off. Right now, Jean-Luc and I were ready to stay anywhere.

Eventually we arrived.



"It looks rather sinister."mused Jean-Luc, "I think even the cockroaches and the rats have checked out."

"So it's not what we hoped for." I mutter, "Lets see if we can stay there."

When we approach the door I hear screams, and banging with a "Noo..! .....No....!"

We ring the bell and the noises stop. Eventually the door opens.



"Miss Annie Wilkes?" I ask tentatively.

"Yeah?" she answers, as she puts down a large hammer, "Whaadaya want?"

"Well.....err...my friend and I wondered if you had a room we could stay in."

Annie thinks. "If you come back in fifteen minutes, there is likely to be a room available once I persuade the current occupant to part with his money."

She slams the door. Jean-Luc and I look at each other and run away as fast as possible.

-----------

A few hours later, we are sitting on the beach, with still nowhere to stay.

"All right, I give up." I say, "Lets go back."

As I say this, my COM goes off. It is Jadzia.

"Beverly, Captain Picard?" she says, "If you want that Penthouse suite at the Hotel Paradiso, it's yours."

"Why, Jadzia?" I ask, "What happened?"

"It's Worf." she answers, "A few hours ago, he got drunk on Klingon bloodwine and trashed the hotel foyer. As a result, we are being evicted, and the hotel want to install the other couple who were double booked...that's you."

"Thanks, Jadzia." I answer, then turn to Jean-Luc, "It looks like we are going to have that vacation we wanted. Just steer clear of the mess in the foyer!"

Bev & Jean-Luc On Vacation (Part One)

Guest Poster: Beverly Crusher

"Well I hope things turn out better for us this year" I remark to Jean-Luc as we disembark off the Risa shuttle, "Last time the Borg Queen interrupted and tried to put that curvy body of hers between us."

"It won't happen this year, Bev." Jean-Luc, "If I see any Borg, we'll speed off in the opposite direction."

"The best way is to put the 'Do Not Disturb' sign outside our hotel door." I cheekily say.

"Oh, I think that can be arranged!" he slyly says. I think we're in for a good vacation!

We arrive at the Hotel Paradiso. It overlooks the Suraya Bay on this pleasure planet.



We decided to go there after Britney and T'Pol told us of it...before they were thrown off the planet, of course.

Suitably impressed with all we have seen so far, we check in.



The receptionists are all as oily as to creat a major slick on the ocean. How come hotels train them this way; the sort that instantly annoy you?

"GOOD afternoon!!" oozes the one with the out-of date tie, " I'm Jeff. Welcome to the Hotel Paradiso. How may we help you?"

"I'm Beverly Crusher, and this is Jean-Luc Picard." I tell him, "We have booked for the Penthouse suite at your hotel."

Jeff reddens slightly. "This week?" He looks around frantically at the computer and checks his records.

"Is there a problem?" Jean-Luc asks him. We can see there is.

Jeff dashes off and the woman comes out; clearly his supervisor and a stroppy sort.

"I'm afraid we have some difficulty." the woman, who I see has a namebadge with 'Marianne' on it, "It seems like the agency double-booked the Penthouse suite. The other couple are already here."

"Who are they? I ask angrily. "Those two." Marianne points to a couple sitting in the foyer.



"Captain Picard? Bev?" asks Jadzia Dax, "What are YOU doing here?" she asks while she and Worf share and Worf share a Klingon drink, "T'Pol and Britney told us about here and we..."

"So did we!" I retort, then turn to Marianne, "Do you have vany other rooms?"

"I'm sorry." she says, while registering a ten out of ten on the smugometer, "All our rooms are taken. You'll find most rooms in all hotels are taken here on Risa, as it's a peak vacation time. You might mind something in the .....lesser quality places." She says this with a sneer.

"Come on!" I tell Jean-Luc, "We'll find somewhere!"

To be continued......