Tuesday, December 30, 2008

The New Year's Eve Party

"Are we going to have a New Year's Eve party, Jean-Luc?" purrs Bev softly as I try to complete my weekly Report for Starfleet.

"Beverly." I reply, "This ship is fast growing a reputation as the top party giver around. We have them for Christmas, New Year, birthdays or any excuse we can find."

"Then it no surpise that there is a waiting list of people ready to join." she answers.

"Bev" I struggle to say, "This ship should be exploring the universe, crossing new frontiers, boldly going where..."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah." Beverly comments dismissively, then whispers, "I'll change into Six's dress after the party...just for your eyes."

I recall the dress the Cylon creature Six wore prompts me to reconsider.

"Go on then, Bev."


Some time later, Ten Forward is all decked out, with Vic Fontaine and his band ready to play. Seven of Nine approaches me.

"Locutus." she starts, "I fail to see why Starfleet celebrate New Year when calendar years had been abandoned some time ago in favour of stardates."

"It's tradition, Seven." I explain, "People like the old ways of ringing out the old and bringing in the new year. It would not be the same with stardates."

Seven gives me a puzzled look.

"On our Borg Cubes we mark events by giving us a longer break in our alcove, " she tells me, " The Alpha Borg Queen's Birthday is a major celebration."

I then hear a familiar voice behind me.

"Hey, when is the party starting?"

I groan. Ensign Britney and her friend T'Pol both come in matching leather outfits.

"Ensign!" I say, "You can't wear that. You have to maintain a sense of decorum within Starfleet."

"Don't be a party pooper, Captain." T'Pol adds, "It's New Years Eve. Brit and I just want to have a bit of fun."

I sigh. She's probably right.

"Very well." I concede.

The two girls shout "Yay!" and go off to the bar to get a powerful Fasakian Brandy before going to the dancefloor to dance together.

"You're very generous, Captain." Riker says as he walks up to me, "I would never have allowed Deanna to go out in something skimpy and revealing."

"Never have ALLOWED?" Deanna shouts to him as she digs her finger in his ribs.

Riker looks at Deanna's dress and his eyes almost pop out, as they would have done had he been a member of the Ptarian race.

"Er...Deanna" he starts, "Sorry...I meant....err..do...you think that is revealing?"

"Yes!" she replies, "But you have no say in it."

The pair walk off, shouting at each other. Eventually they kiss and make up while dancing.


As the night wears on, Vic Fontaine plays classics such as As Time Goes By. Midnight approaches.

"5-4-3-2-1...HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!"

Everybody kisses their loved one and sings Auld Lang Syne.

"Happy New Year, Jean-Luc"

"Happy New Year, Bev."


And Happy New Year to all Journal readers!

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Back From Vacation

We all assemble in the Ready Room after our Christmas vacation. Each one looks worn out, even Data, as if he needs a recharge in his power cell. Seven of Nine looks like she hasn't been in her alcove to be regenerated in months.

I must admit, I feel dreadful as well.

"Well then, everybody." I say, "We're all back from our Christmas break. How did you all get on?"

This provokes a mass groan and heads collapse on the tables. Worf almost slides under the table.
"How did Alexander like WallyWorld, Mr Worf?"

"Oh, he was sick on all the rides." Jadzia interrupts, "His poor stomach couldn't take it."

"I'm sorry for Alexander." I reply.

"Oh, it wasn't him." Jadzia corrects me, "It was Worf. He just has no stomach to take funpark rides."

That explains Worf's greenish tint.

"How was Lwaxana Troi, Number One?" I ask.

This, predictably gives a glum look from Riker, but Deanna answers for him,

"Oh, we all had a super time." Deanna tells us, "My mother hosted everything very well, and Will did what he was told and didn't misbehave."

This comment appears as if they are talking about a five year old, and explains Eiker's glum reaction.

"How about you, Mr Data?" I ask. "What about you and Jennifer Baxter?"

The two both have a satisfied smile, and Data responds with "Is it all right if I keep that classified?"

Well two people had a Happy Christmas!

I start to ask Ro, but a get a "No comment." I ask Geordi the same abot his time off with Trisha Lewis and get the same reply.

This is like being a reporter on the Galactic Gazette!

"What about you two?" I ask Ensign Britney and T'Pol, "You must have had a fun time that you want to tell us?"

The problematic pair look at each other with a secret smile and then laugh.

"Shall I tell him or you, Brit?" T'Pol asks.

"Go on, sistah." Britney urges her.

"Well, we went to the supernightclub Eternal, as we said before." T'Pol starts, "The music was way too quiet for us, though, it was only 110 decibels. We sneaked behind the amplifiers and doubled the volume. The two of us had a great time dancing together. Not many others were around."

"I'm not surprised." Deanna comments.

"Did you deliver your Report to the Borg Queen, Seven?" I ask her.

"Yes, Locutus." she answers, "However that bottle of Klingon Bloodwine you gave us was diverting. The Queen and I drank it between us and in ten minutes were were singing We Wish You A Merry Christmas."

We all laugh except Seven.

"What about you and Doctor Crusher?" Riker asks, "Did you enjoy the Bideaway Hotel?"

Bev and I both grin to ourselves and say jointly "No comment."

Saturday, December 27, 2008

TWQ: What Did You Do At Christmas?

As we settle back after Christmas, TWQ (The Weekend Question) asks what you did...if you can remember!

How did you spend your Christmas Day this year? What did you do and who did you see?

My answers are:

After opening the pressies, my father and I visited the crematorium with some flowers, went to my best friend Kay and her mother for Christmas lunch. In the evening, the two of us settled back to watch my new DVD, the Alan Alda film Same Time Next Year.

Now it's over to you...

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Christmas Greetings From...

It's Christmas.

Time to hear some special Yuletide messages....

Alexander...my father has given me permission to wish you a Happy Christmas.

Beverly Crusher....goodwill to all people....Jean-Luc...I've got some mistletoe here.

Boothby...oh yeah, Happy Christmas. Just stay off the grass and no crushing the flowers.

Data...to you all and especially Jenny, I wish you a most enjoyable Chrstmas.

William Riker.....Have a great time. If you see any donuts anywhere, will you let me know?

Guinan....peace to all the creatures in the universe.

Kathryn Janeway.....Happy Christmas to those in the USS Voyager. Am I wasting my time in sending this across the universe? Will anyone hear us?

Deanna Troi...Happy Christmas, Will and mother....stay stress free...but not TOO stress free otherwise I'll be out of a job!

Lwaxana Troi...oodles of love to you all at Christmas!

Jadzia Dax...special Christmas Wishes to you all, especially my Worfie.

James T Kirk....has anyone seen the woman I'm supposed to fall in love with this week? Anyway, Happy Christmas.

Jennifer Baxter..Have a special, Christmas, Data, my darling . Hugs and kisses from your Jenny.

Lieutenant Worf....make sure you do not partake in too much alcohol consumption, otherwise my Security Team will be forced to put you in the brig.

Lore.....have a thoroughly miserable time, humans.

Karena....A Christmas greeting to all women, and also to my Life Servant husband, Wesley.

Erika Hernandez...I send you all greetings from the USS Rhode Island and...notnow, Mark, I'm trying to send this message.

Mark Hatherway...Have a really cool Yule...c'mon, Erika, here's the mistletoe.

Nexa...have a great time...except Karena, of course.

Elizabeth Shelby....I wish good health and happiness to all, except those who are blocking my promotions to the top.

Geordi La Forge....have a fab time...from me and Trisha.

Luthor Sloan...watch what you do over Christmas, because Section 31 will be watching you.

Captain Beverly Howard...may all those on the Enterprise have a terrible year, especially that copy of me.

Ro Laren....special secret kisses to my love, Gul Vorak.

Gul Vorak....an encrypted message of Christmas love to Ro Laren.

Seven of Nine....Enjoy this human festivity.

Wesley...our first Christmas married, Karena!

Ensign Britney....kiss kiss to you all, and special hugs to my soulsistah T'Pol.

Mirror T'Pol....Have a great time everybody, especially my number one girl, Brit.

Borg Queen...enjoy yourself in a reasonable manner or be assimilated.

Alpha Borg Queen....this is all very fascinating. What does one do with this mistletoe?

Ambassador Spock....I wish you a logical Christmas.

Thomas Riker...I wish you a Maquis Christmas.

Annika Hansen....special greetings from Unimatrix Zero

Borg Queen Troi....I wish you doom and destruction, which I shall happily bestow, especially on the Enterprise.

Holographic Doctor...I would sing you a suitable operatic medley, but instead shall wish you compliments of the season.

Vic Fontaine...I can sing an excellent White Christmas if you like....what? Just a message? Oh, have a good time then.

Well I think that's it. All that remains is for me to...

"Hold on, Mon Capitano. You're leaving me out again."

"Not now, Q"

"I want to be included. Don't you know your readers love me?"

"I can't think why. Very well, Q. Make it brief."

"Of course. Well on this most happy occasion, I feel honoured to be able to give this special Yuletide greeting to all those in the universe. After all that have gone before it seems that the best is last. You may remember that earlier, I said...."


"Oh very well, Jean-Luc. May you all have a most wonderful Christmas and a prosperous New Year"

He's gone. What a relief.

And after that, I extend my Christmas good wishes to you all, and the hope for a peaceful and Happy New Year.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Christmas Destinations (Part Two)

Now that I've had my cup of Earl Grey, I can resume my talk with the Senior Staff about what they will be doing over the Christmas vacation. We all reassemble in my Ready Room.

"What about you. Ro?" I ask, "Will you be visiting anyone on Bajor during the holidays?"

At this question, the young Bajoran becomes very shy, as if she is reluctant to say anything.

"Err...well..." she stutters, "I'm not sure. I might do, I'm not sure."

It's all very secretive. Prising anything out of Ro Laren is a very tough thing to do.

"Ro's got a boyfriend!" sings Ensign Britney over and over again. Ro goes red-faced, like a young schoolgirl. Has Britney hit upon the answer?

"Well, what about you, Ensign Britney?" Riker asks, "You've been teasing Ro. What about you?"

"Hey, I've got nothing to hide." answers the trouble-prone Ensign, "My soulsistah T'Pol and I will be heading to the new supernightclub Eternal on the planet Salavan. The are having a multi-night-all-you-can-eat and and dance spectacular. Days of non-stop jiving."

I raise my eyebrow, but not really surprised. It's just the sort of thing they would do.

"How about you, Geordi?" Deanna asks, "What will you be doing for Christmas?"

"Not much." he answers, "My girl Trisha and I are going skiing on the ice planet Chiili. I've always wanted to try it for real. It's not the same in the holodeck."

"Just remember that there are no safety protocols in place." I warn, "We want you back in one piece, not pieces."

We turn to Seven of Nine.

"What about you, Seven?" Bev asks, "How will you be enjoying Christmas?"

"Enjoyment is irrelevant!" says Seven, "We are the Borg, resistan..."

"Put a sock in it, Seven." Riker says, "You know the Borg Queen enjoyed her visit at the Party, and even her superior, the leader of the Borg race did, so loosen a few implants and have a good time."

"I will consider this." she says "When I visit the Borg Queen on Cube 01. I shall give her my report as to the current events."

"Then take her this Klingon bloodwine." I say, "I know it will go down well on the Cube."

She takes it.

"Well that was fun, finding out what you are doing."

"Hold on, Captain." Riker says, "You haven't mentioned what you and Doctor Crusher will be doing."

Bev and I start to go red, like Ro did earlier.

"Well, of course." starts Bev, "We will be visiting Wesley and Karena on Wondwowman, as they are staying with Queen Diana."

"That confirmation for the Bideaway Hotel must have been a mistake that I saw come in on the computer." Data states, "I shall cancel that."

"Don't do that!" Bev and I both say, "We'll sort it out."

I'll have Data's rewired for that!

Another voice pops up from behind.

"Hey! What about me?"


"You never ask what I'm doing, Mon Kapitano!" he exclaims, "Consider my feelings hurt."

I sigh.

"Very well, Q" I ask, "What ARE you doing this Christmas?"

"Oh, it's so BORING in the Continuum." he moans, "As there is no concept of time or space, everyday is the same. Here, pull this Christmas cracker."

He gives me a cracker to pull. He wins, and as the explosion goes off, all the clothes of the Senior Staff vanish.

"Now I've had a good Christmas, Jean-Luc." Q says as she vanishes, "Have a super time!"


And to all Journal readers......Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Christmas Destinations (Part One)

"Hello everybody." I say, "I know you are all starting to pack for your various locations over the Christmas vacation, but I thought we'd all have a chat."

A slight groan comes from those senior staff in the Ready Room. They know I am always curious to know where there are going.

"Well." I say, "It's fun knowing what we will all be doing. After all, we will go in different directions, visiting families and friends."

"What would happen if some aliens invaded while we were away, Captain." Geordi asks, "It seems like the whole Federation is on holiday."

"Oh,there will be a skeleton staff looking after the whole of Starfleet." I reply, "The Skeletas from the planet Skeleta have volunteered."

"Hence there Skeleton staff." Riker comments drily.

"Err...yes." I say, "Now let's start with you, Deanna. Where will you be going?"

"Not very far, Captain." she answers, "Will and I were all set to go the romantic waterfall on the planet of Elixa, but my mother called me, and said that she wanted to visit, so we are staying at my Earth home in San Francisco while I cook lunch for Will and her."

I can sense Riker's irritation. The waterfalls of Elixa are a lot better than spending Christmas with Lwaxana Troi!

"What about you, Jadzia?" I inquire, "Will you be doing anything interesting this Christmas?"

"Worfie....I mean Lieutenant Worf and I will be taking his son Alexander to WallyWorld, the planet for children, where he can meet Malcolm Muskrat and all the characters that the famous Uncle Wally created." she answers.

"Alexander to too old to go there!" snorts Worf, "He should be going to Klingon warrior training on the homeworld over Christmas."

"Don't be such a sourpuss, Worfie." Jadzia, "I know you always told me that you were a huge fan of Malcolm Muskrat."

Worf goes red...as much as Klingons do.

"You said you would never mention that!" he whispers."

"Never mind, Mr Worf." I tell him, "That's a secret that will stay in this room. Now how about you, Mr Data. What will you be doing?"

"I had planned to go to the cybernetic lectures," answers Data, "But my girlfriend Jennifer Baxter has threatened to use my 'off' switch if I consider it."

"Too right!" Jennifer says, interrupting him, "I want to spend a romantic Christmas with Data, not go listening to sleepy scientists talk about robotic theories. The two of us will be spending time in a icy log cabin on the planet Thermos, where there are warm heating inside."

"It sounds super." I say, "Shall we continue this discussion in a while, after we've packed a bit more?"

To be continued....

Saturday, December 20, 2008

TWQ: Christmas Likes & Dislikes

As this is the last weekend before Christmas, TWQ (The Weekend Question) asks what you like and dislike about the whole thing.

What likes and dislikes do you have about the whole Christmas occasion? List as many as you wish.

My answers are:


* Christmas Eve evening is a favourite time, as all the preparation is over and I can wait for the big day.

* Getting up on the day itself, knowing it's a different one from all others in the year....something I've always thought from childhood.


* The fact that some shops open their Christmas section as early as August, and some towns put their lights up in September.

* Shopping in December on pavements that are too full to hold the people. Little wonder that so many shop online.

* The fact that few people seem to know what Christmas actually means, and see it as just a time to get the presents.

Now it's over to you....

But before I go....

Happy Christmas to you all!

Extra! Extra!

Here's what I would like to do. I want to create a story that branches out in a variety of different, unexpected ways. I don't know how realistic it is, but that's what I'm aiming for. Hopefully, at least one thread of the story can make a decent number of hops before it dies out.If you are one of the carriers of this story virus (i.e. you have been tagged and choose to contribute to it), you will have one responsibility, in addition to contributing your own piece of the story: you will have to tag at least one person that continues your story thread. So, say you tag five people. If four people decide to not participate, it's okay, as long as the fifth one does. And if all five participate, well that's five interesting threads the story spins off into.Not a requirement, but something your readers would appreciate: to help people trace your own particular thread of the narrative, it will be helpful if you include links to the chapters preceding yours. Splotchy

The Apple

The bus was more crowded than usual. It was bitterly cold outside, and I hadn't prepared for it. I noticed that a fair number of the riders were dressed curiously. As I glanced around, I stretched my feet and kicked up against a large, heavy cardboard box laying under the seat in front of me. Splotchy

I couldn't believe my eyes. Surrepticiously, I tried to establish, without giving it away, if anyone else had seen what I had. For ten years I had been looking for that box. What looked like an ordinary cardboard box to most contained something most precious. Only by the small golden "P" was I able to identify what I was looking at. (Freida Bee)

How the box got here, or how I happened to be on this bus with it now--these questions were immaterial. I just had to get that box. The bus slowed to a stop, so I steadied myself. Just as I was about to make a grab for the box, however, it moved. Someone else was picking it up to take it away! I had to stop her! (Dguzman)

"Ack!" I expclaimed. "Unhand my box, Madam!" But my woeful cry was to no avail as the woman with my box had already turned her back to me, and was quickly walking down the aisle towards the door. Oh, cruel fate! The woman with my box was escaping! I hastily grabbed my valise and nudged my way past the other passengers to get to the front of the bus. (Zaius)

The woman was already out the door by the time I reached the front of the bus. I aimed for the door myself only to see it close right in front of my face. I turned towards the bus driver and gave him my best sheepish, innocent looking shrug. He replied with an impatient grunt but pulled the lever anyway and I was out the door in a flash.

“Excuse me ma’am,” I said as I grabbed the woman by her shoulder. “I’m sorry but I believe that you have my box there.”

“Your what?” she replied in a shocked gasp. “No, this is my box. See, it has this P on it, that stands for Persephone. That’s me.”

“I really must insist,” I insisted. “If you would just open the box and look inside, I’m sure that the contents will show you that it’s mine.”

“I’ll do no such thing. You’ve got a lot of nerve, mister.”

Just then, I looked up as the bus began to pull out into traffic. There, looking out of the back window was a small boy armed with an impish grin and proudly holding a cardboard box with a golden “P” on the side. Jon, Intergalactic Gladiator

The real box was still inside the bus! I chased after the bus, hoping I could reach it in time when it got to the next stop.

I pushed past all the pedestrians who were going the opposite way. I could see the bus slowing down as it was coming to a halt. Passengers started filing out, but the small boy was still inside.

I reached the bus just as the doors were closing. I forced them open and entered the bus. The boy was still grinning at me.

"I want that box!" I shouted to him, and all the passengers looked at me in amazement. Jean-Luc Picard

At this point, I should infect five people, but instead if any of you wish to continue this story, please do so and let me know.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

No Christmas This Year

"Who is coming aboard, Captain?" Data asks me, as we stand in the Transporter Room.

"It's someone newly promoted, an Admiral Simon Crooge." I reply. I've never met him.

The transporter flashes and an odd looking man appears.

"Err..Admiral Crooge?" I ask, not sure if this is the man.

"Yes, yes." replies, "My Admiral's outfit has been sent to the cleaners, and I've had to come in this casual outfit. Please excuse me."

"That's allright." I tell him, "Happy Christmas."

The Admiral looks alarmed, as if I have just done something unforgiveable.

"Humbug!" he snorts, "Christmas is for those making a pretty penny out of us all. I have recommended to the Federation President that Christmas be cancelled this year."

Riker listens and says, "You can't do that, Admiral!"

"Oh, can't I, Commander?" Crooge tells him defiantly, "Just you wait and see. I'm sending a directive that Christmas will not be celebrated on any starship or Federation planet. Instead, the day will be declared December Holiday. Happy December Holiday to you."

We all walk through the corridors, with Deanna and Bev joining as as we walk. Suddenly, we see an off-duty couple kissing with a mistletoe.

"How sweet." Deanna says, "It really brings Chrstmas to the ship."

"Humbug!" Admiral Crooge shouts, and walks over to the couple, breaking them up, and telling that mistletoe will not be used from now on and Christmas is cancelled. The girl runs off in tears.

"This directive could upset a lot of people, Admiral." I warn him.

"Nonsense, Picard." he replies, "They still get December Holiday. What more do they want?"

We get to the Bridge, where Data tells us the there is an urgent message from Starfleet Headquarters from the Federation President. It is for Admiral Crooge."

The face of our President comes on the screen. He is not happy.

"What the devil do you think you're playing at, Crooge?" he shouts, "You can't go around cancelling Christmas. All the Federation planets celebrate it."

"Err...I don't happen to like it, sir." Crooge says in a grovelling tone.

"Well you can come to Starfleet Headquarters and work all day here" the President answers, "You'll be the only one here, as I, and all the others will be away for Christmas."

"Err...yes sir." Crooge mumbles.

"And Crooge..." the President adds, "Happy Christmas."

We lead the Admiral back to the transporter room. On the way, we meet Ensign Britney, who is eating a bag of sweets."

"Do you want a sweet, Admiral?" she asks.

"What are they?"


Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Shopping For Wesley

Guest Poster: Karena

As I gave my pumpkin husband Wesley permission to stop doing the ironing and shop for me a couple of days ago, I am now going to reciprocate and look for some presents for him.

Not that he needs any, of course. After all, he is a man and my Life Servant. Just having the pleasure of being with me should be enough.

No matter; as we love each other, I think Wesley does need a token of my love.


I'm in the Starfleet Mall. How does one shop for a man? I'm used to getting things for my mother and sister. Getting things for Wes...that's difficult.

Hold on.....here's a store. It's called THE MAN SHOP. It says outside that it caters for those women who can't find the right present for their husbands.

This sounds ideal. I'll try it.

I am greeted by a Ferengi, who tells me he is the proprieter. This almost causes me to turn round. Any of race are obliged to remove a customer of their money.

"Welcome to my humble shop, great female warrior." says the Ferengi, "I am Bellas, and hope I can help you."

"I need a present for my husband." I tell him, "And beware, Ferengi. If you try to sell me any shoddy goods, you'll feel the end of this spear go from one side of your ears to the other."

This causes him to look rather apprehensive at first, but recovers his smile.

"Do not worry, my amazonian friend." Bellas declares, "All our products in THE MAN SHOP are of the highest quality in the galaxy."

"So I get my money back if anything goes wrong?" I query.

This question causes Bellas to look pale, as giving money back is clearly against the Ferengi Rules of Aquisition."

"That won't be necessary." he assures me, without answering the question, "All our customers leave satisfied."

Bellas starts to show me some ideas. This first thing that I see is this t shirt.

"An excellent choice, madam." Bellas tells me, "Your husband will be well pleased."

"As long as Captain Picard never sees it." I say to myself with a wry smile.

After that, I look through many other things, but nothing seems right. Despaired, I ask "Haven't you got ANYTHING else that Wesley might like?"

Bellas thinks, and goes to the back of his shop, and brings out a young woman wearing a micro-mini dress.

"What's this?" I ask, "I want a present for Wesley."

"Indeed, my amazonian friend, "When your husband sees you wearing this, he will think it is Christmas and his birthday all rolled into one."

I smile when I realise his thinking.

"Well thought out, Bellas, "I'll have one in red and blue. Double the fun!"

I leave the shop, happy with my purchases.

I think it will be a Happy Christmas for me and Wes!

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Shopping For Karena

Guest Poster: Wesley Crusher

I've been time off from the USS Rhode Island and also from washing and cleaning in our quarters so that I can do some Christmas shopping for my honeybunch of a wife, Karena.

"I don't mind what you get for me, pumpkin." she had said to me, which translates roughly into "You get the right things otherwise you'll feel the end of my spear."

I'm in the Starfleet Mall. As Karena is an amazon from Wondawowman, there is only one place to go.

This shop now caters exclusively for women of that race, so I should be able to get something here. I open the door.

An intimidating woman steps forward and looks at me dismissively. She carries a spear and arrowd, as if she is going to go out hunting.

"Greetings." she says, "I am Helena. What can I possibly do for you?"

"You are the person who supplied my wife, Karena with her wedding dress?" I ask.

Helena's face brightens.

"Ah yes!" she says, "Karena is a good client here. She married YOU?"

"Yes." I reply, "What's surprising about that?. Now I'd like to buy her something for Christmas."

"You've come to the right place." Helena declares proudly, "Amazon is for EVERY amazon."

She goes round the back and I hear some talking. Eventually, she comes back out.

"I think we have something Karena might like. Does she need a new breastplate?"

"Yes." I say, "The one she has is always getting damaged in the holographic fights she does. Err..I managed to find out what size she takes. I had to look at the label on her plate while she was taking a sonic shower."

She goes behind into the back of the shop, and emerges with a young woman an an amazonian costume.

"This is Britta, my model for the costumes we have." Helena tells me, "What do you think about the breastplate?"

"It will look good on Karena." I say, "But Britta is a litlle err....more....endowed. Will it fit Karena?"

"We at Amazon think of everything!" Helena says in a smug manner, "There are adjustable straps and hinges on the sides to fit amazons of all shapes and sizes."

"I'll take it." I say, "And I'll have Britta's sword as well."

"Karena is lucky." Helena says, "Few amazons get a man who buy the right thing."

I leave the shop, happy with my purchases and the fact my ego has been buttered up.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

TWQ: Favourite Christmas Film

With Christmas getting nearer, many films with that theme will be around. TWQ (The Weekend Question) asks which you like.

What is your favourite Christmas film and why? Name more than one if you are not sure.

My answer is:

'It's A Wonderful Life' has to be my choice. The ending is very uplifting and teary. As the angel shows George Bailey (James Stewart) what life would have been like had he not lived, we get a sense of the worth each of us have.

Now it's over to you...

Thursday, December 11, 2008

The Enterprise Senior Staff Christmas Meal (Part Two)

"What is this?" Seven of Nine asks as she picks up a wrapped brightly-coloured roll object from the table.

At the moment, all the senior staff are assembled in my Ready Room round a huge table, as we are having a special Christmas meal for the staff. Things have been threatening to get out of hand with the shrieks of Ensign Britney and her friend T'Pol.

"That, Seven, is a Christmas cracker." I answer, "Hundreds of years ago, it was a tradition in England to have these at a meal such as this. The cracker consists of a paper hat, a joke and a plastic toy. Two people pull the cracker. As it comes apart, it makes a large noise, and the one with the large part wins the contents."

"Very fascinating." she comments, "I will relay this peculiarity to the Borg Qeen in my next Report."

Seven then turns to Barclay.

"Will you pull this cracker with me?" she says to him, "If I do not get the major part, you will be assimilated."

Barclay nervously pulls the cracker. Seven gets the contents. She puts a pink paper hat on her head, looks at the plastic starship, then starts to read out the joke.

"Why did the Starfleet chicken cross the road. Answer: to go where no chicken has gone before."

Seven looks at me.

"I do not understand this, Locutus."

I smile, then hear more shrieks.

"C'mon, Brit!" shouts T'Pol, "Let's pull our cracker!"

The pair proceed to do so, and Britney wins the cracker contents, and reads out her joke. It is so filthy, even Worf and Data blush. T'Pol is the only one to laugh out loud.

I grab the joke and find it is an innocent one.

"I made the joke up, Captain." Britney says, "It seemed a lot funnier than the one in the cracker."

"You two are confined to quarters!" I say angrily.

"Aw, Captain." says T'Pol, "We haven't had our Christmas meal yet."

"It'll get sent to your room!" I say, "Now off you go!"

The problematic pair walk out, mumbling to each other.

"Lucutus." says Seven, "I do not understand that joke either." she says.

"You'd better not tell that joke to one of the admirals, Jean-Luc." says Bev.

"You're right." I reply, "But knowing them, they would probably love it. Ah...the first course is coming....I'm having a battered Vlarian mushroom."

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

The Enterprise Senior Staff Christmas Meal (Part One)

"I thought we had just had our party, sir?" Riker says to me in my Ready Room, "Why are we having this Christmas meal.....before the day?"

"It's very easy, Number One." I reply, "It's a chance for all the senior ataff to get together in a pleasant way, have a chat and enjoy a Christmas dinner. After all, we can't do this on the day itself, as we all go off to see families and friends then."

"Should we have Ensign Britney, T'Pol or Seven of Nine, then?" Riker queries, "After all, they are hardly err..."

"Senior staff?" I say, "Be charitable, Commander Riker. Britney & T'Pol might be a noisy couple, but thisd might encourage them to behave in a more civilised manner. As for Seven, I think this quiet, sit-down meal might be a good lesson for her to report back to her Borg superiors."

"I hope you're right, sir." he says.

So do I.


A few hours later, the table is beautifully decorated with Christmassy items, and the senior staff file in, looking around curiously. Britney, wearing leather boots, trousers, plus a top hat and blonde wig, but sporting a bare midriff, runs to one of the seats and calls out to T'Pol at the top of her voice.

"Yay! I bags this chair!" she yells, "T'Pol, you sit there and we can do some serious chatting."

She eagerly does, and the other senior staff sit down calmly...until T'Pol and Britney start throwing bread rolls around.

"You will refrrain from throwing those rolls around or you will be assimilated!" says Seven to them sharply.

"Party pooper!" Britney mumbles, "Now sistah, what was the lastest gossip?"

Everybody seems seated with their parners. I'm with Bev, Riker is with Deanna, Worf is with Jadzia, Britney has T'Pol, Data has Jennfer Baxter, Geordi LaForge is with Trisha Lewis. The only one left out is Ro Laren, who is looking miserable with Lieutenant Barclay.

She is always secretive about her boyfriend. I believe she has one, but does not let anyone know about him. I wonder way?

My train of thought is derailed with the shrieks of Britney and T'Pol, as the latter has spilled a glass of Ktaran wine on the tablecloth.

I groan and roll my eyes, and try not to look at Riker, who is wearing his smug 'I told you so' expressions.

Ah well. It might get better.

Then again, it might not.

To be continued...

Sunday, December 07, 2008

After The Party

Whew! What planet is this?

Why is it after every Enterprise Christmas Party I feel like a disaster, and so does the rest of the crew? We really ought to impose a drink limit, but there would be a mutiny if we did that.

Judging by the strength of the Klingon Bloodwines and Romulan Ales, one slight drink of those is enough to send anyone over the limit.

I stagger on my way towards the Bridge. Who is piloting the Bridge?

"Picard calling the Bridge." I say in my ComBadge. No response.

I run through the various crew members. They are all seemingly passed out. Even Commander Data cannot be reached. The last time I saw him, he was being carried off by his girlfriend Jennifer Baxter. Unfortunately, he had his emotion chip in, and was feeling the effects of excessive drink.

I then have a brainwave. At lest the Doctor and Vic Fontaine will be all right. They will be able to get everything running.

A few minutes later, I find out that they have both been in a contest to see who can drink the most holographic ale.

I guess it's just me. It always is. Why am I always the first to recover from these events?

The Bridge doors open and I see three figures sitting in the Command places.

The Borg.

"Greetings, Locutus." says the Alpha Borg Queen, who is sitting in my Chair, "I trust you are sufficiently recovered."

"Locutus was this way last year, your Majesty." says the Queen 01, who is sitting in Riker's seat. Seven of Nine is in Deanna's chair.

"Most fascinating." comments the Alpha Queen, "You must tell me why non-Borg species choose to drink themselves into a stupor every time one of these occasions arises."

"Why are you still here...err..your Majesty." I demand to know, but say it with tact.

"I was just about to depart on the Royal Cube." she replies, "But the 01 Queen informed me that all of you were unconcious due to the Party. You would have left yourself open to predators."

I smile at the irony of that statement, but realise she is saying it with a straight face.

"You should be grateful that our glorious Leader gave up some of her time to help you, Locutus." Seven tells me, "She has a conference to give to young drones called 'Assimilating Races: The Easy Way'"

"Indeed" the 01 Queen comments, making sure she says the right thing in front of her Leader.

Riker then staggers on to the Bridge, walking as if he has been hit by a half pound mallet.

"Whas' goin on??" he mumbles incoherantly.

The Alpha Borg Queen rises from the Chair.

"I see that your crew is beginning to recover from the Party, Locutus." she says to me, "I shall let you take over the running again. The event has been most enlightening. Thank you for having me."

"You are welcome err...your majesty." I say.

"And Seven." the Leader says, "You are doing an exemplary job in reporting about life on board. Ensure you send them to the 01 Queen. She will then forward them on to me."

Both Seven and her boss look pleased at this accolade. As the Leader departs, the 01 Queen approaches me.

"Thank you, Locutus for having our Leader here." she tells me, "It will give me a lot of kudos and put me higher on the Borg food chain."

She holds her clammy hand on mine for a short time, but because Seven is there, proceeds no further, and instead walks out to beam to her Cube. Seven goes to regenerate in her alcove.

"Whas' goin on??" Riker repeats.

"I wonder that myself, Number One." I reply.

Saturday, December 06, 2008

TWQ: Stuck For Presents?

This week, with Christmas shopping high in everybody's thoughts, TWQ (The Weekend Question) asks about awkward presents.

Have you ever been REALLY stuck for a Christmas present to buy someone and had to buy something just to do the job, though thought it's not that good?

My answer is:

The hardest are those in which one is not sure of taste. I never buy music for someone, as a person's taste can never be the same as mine. Chocolates seem safe, although I always wish it could be something better...if I knew their tastes.

Now it's over to you...

Friday, December 05, 2008

Enterprise Christmas Party (Part Five)

"I don't know why that Kryptonian wasn't wearing any clothes." Riker tells me, "But it did get a few laughs at the party."

"It certainly did." I reply, "But at least Superman apologised for Conner's behaviour. I think I saw the Borg Queen smiling quietly to herself."


Jon, Intergalactic Gladiator is here to join us...

“a Rolling Rock, please,” I said to Guinan.

“Rock star beer,” my wife Patricia added with a smile. “I’ll have a Mike’s hard lemonade.”

“You do realize that you’re asking for drinks that existed a couple thousand years ago, don’t you?” the bartender asked.

“Well, you got ‘em?” I asked.

“Today’s you’re lucky day,” she smiled as she pulled two bottles out and placed them on the bar in front of us.”

“Nice,” Patricia grinned and took a big sip.

“Ah, Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator,” Captain Picard approached me from behind and clasped me on the back. “It’s very good to see you and your wife on the Enterprise once again.”

“We’re just glad you offered babysitting services for tonight,” Patricia said.

“Yeah, thanks for that,” I said. “Our daughter Kiera is at her grandma’s but Paxton’s too young to spend the night away from us.”

“Right, yes,” the Captain nodded. “Of course, my ship is prepared for, ahem, all contingencies.”

“Right.” I held up my bottle of beer. “Cheers.”

The three of us clinked glasses and the Captain moved on to meet other guests. Patricia and I looked at each other. I looked into her eyes. They sparkled.

“Merry Christmas, baby,” Patricia said.

“You look beautiful,” I replied.

We heard a bit of a commotion and looked over. Standing in the open doorway was Commander Data, covered almost entirely in food and finger paint. In his outstretched arms, Paxton wiggled and giggled.

“Oh God,” Patricia breathed out as we dashed over to the android.

“I believe this is yours,” he said as he handed our baby back to us.

“Blah!” Paxton gurgled happily.

“Is that…?” I looked at the food caked on Data’s uniform.

“Yes,” Data nodded. “Creamed corn.”


Linda is here now...

With only a few hours until the start of the event, my date for the annual Enterprise Christmas party canceled on me and I was left with the choice of inviting a last-minute guest or attending on my own. It irked me to no end that Q claimed that something of monumental import had come up and he wasn't going to be able to go with me after all as I just wasn't sure if I believed him or not. After all, he was Q for crying out loud - a being who could control every circumstance imaginable and he couldn't find the time to attend a Christmas party with me? Harrumph!

Ah well, going by myself just wouldn't do so I sat down and thumbed through my address book (a bit old-fashioned but I found I liked it a lot better than using a cold modern touch-screen) ... Hmm, who to invite?

Too bad that Admiral Vlict Kenka, one of my very favorite Klingon commanders not to mention a member of one of the most honorable Klingon families, was still out tooling around in K'Lirta under that whole fear of death should he ever return thing; showing up with him on my arm certainly would have made for a lovely evening and put Q in his place should he decide to materialize later.

Wait, here was a possibility - I could invite Kevin, current Praetor of Romulus! Of course that might not be the best idea in the universe what with Kevin being the son of Praetor Shinzon who was the human clone of Captain Jean-Luc Picard - who just happened to be the host of the party I was planning on attending . Certainly, though, that was a small thing and could be smoothed over with a case of Romulan ale or two - which I'm sure Kevin would be happy to bring. Besides, Kevin had always expressed an interest in meeting the Alpha Borg Queen who was to be the special guest at this year's party. Hopefully he wouldn't be put off by my last minute invitation but Q hadn't given me much notice that he had "better things to do". Harrumph again!

I quickly placed an interstellar call to Kevin who, luckily, wasn't doing much

except admiring a new flag that he had recently acquired and added to his extensive flag collection. For someone who was the ruler of the entire Romulan Empire, it seemed strange to me that one of the things that pleased him the most was admiring his flags but I guess it takes all kinds, right?

"Good evening your Praetorship, I certainly hope that I'm not interrupting anything. I was wondering if you might relish the opportunity to attend the annual Christmas party aboard the U.S.S. Enterprise and meet the guest of honor, the Alpha Borg Queen?", I asked hopefully.
After all, if Q did manage to show up, it would be good for him to see that I had other friends I could
do things with when his omnipotent presence was needed elsewhere.

"The Enterprise you say? Isn't that the ship still commanded by Captain Jean-Luc Picard?", inquired the Ruler of Romulus.

"Uhm, yes, as a matter of fact, it is," I replied thinking that now there was no way on any of
the earths that Kevin was going to want to go and I'd have to go by myself after all. I truly
did hate going to social events solo but I also didn't want to miss the Enterprise Christmas
party which was taking place in a representation of the Borg Cube on the holodeck and
featuring none other than The Strolling Drones, a group I had been wanting to see for eons!

"Excellent! Excellent! I should enjoy a chance to meet up with the man my father spoke of with so much venom and hate on a regular basis and show him that I'm a much more civilized man and ruler then my father, whom he apparently found it necessary to kill so long ago."

Oh yeah ... darn ... I had forgotten about that whole hand-to-hand combat thing that resulted
in Shinzon's death ... that could have bad written all over it but it was a little too late to
withdraw my invitation as that would be downright rude and I've learned through the years
that it's
really not a good idea to be rude to a Romulan - especially when said Romulan also happened
to be the Praetor.

"Just let me get my disruptor and a couple cases of Kali-fal and I'll meet you on board the Enterprise once you give me the coordinates. I'm sure that the Alpha Borg Queen will find the aroma to be like nothing she has ever experienced in the galaxy," Kevin said.

So far, despite my initial trepidation over inviting Praetor Kevin to the party without
considering that whole "I killed your father before he could kill me" issue, things at the party were going quite well. Captain Picard had been more than gracious when I introduced my
guest even when his date for the evening, Dr. Crusher, dropped her glass of Klingon
Bloodwine and shattered it all over the floor upon meeting the Praetor. One would have
thought that a surgeon would have steadier hands than that!

For the better part of the past two hours now, Kevin had been monopolizing all of the Alpha
Borg Queen's time as they toasted each other over and over with glass after glass of Romulan ale. I would have thought the blue liquid with the potent kick would have interfered with the Borg Queen's circuits but apparently she was a woman who could hold her own when it came
to spirits.

It was actually kind of amusing to watch the Praetor of Romulus laughing at the jokes that the Alpha Borg Queen was telling him but they appeared to be fast friends and I was glad that
Kevin had found someone he could talk to without my fearing he'd have need of the disruptor
he insisted on keeping by his side. However, if I had to hear "Why did the tribble cross the cube? Because resistance was futile!" joke one more time I was going to be in need of a drink
or two myself!

Fortunately it was at that point that The Strolling Drones finally took to the stage and began their opening number "(I Can't Get No) Assimilation" at such a loud noise level that it
drowned out all of the conversation around me. With the crowd on their feet the band next launched into "(Hey You!) Get Off of My Cube" before segueing into the slow dance song
"Wild Collectives" that soon had all of the couples in the room swaying in each others arms as the lead singer crooned "wild collectives couldn't drag me away ..."

When I looked up to see Kevin and the Alpha Borg Queen dancing with the other couples and staring intently into each others eyes with Kevin's disruptor lying forgotten on the table I
figured it was time for me to exit stage-right and leave the happy couple to themselves. After all, two's company, three's a collective ...

As I was making my way to the Enterprise coat-check in order to get my wrap and call it
a night who should appear but the one and only guy who told me that he couldn't make the
party - Q!

"Leaving so soon?", he whispered in my ear.

"I think so. The dancing seems to have taken a rather romantic turn which means it's time
for me to go as there's nothing worse than sitting on the sidelines watching other couples being ... well, couples!", I replied as I indicated all of the people on the dance floor who were totally oblivious to everything around them - Captain Picard and Dr. Crusher, Mr. Data and Jennifer Baxter, Worf and Jadzia, Counselor Troi and Commander Riker ... the Praetor and
the Alpha Borg Queen! "I think it's definitely time I leave. Besides, you said you couldn't
make the party!"

"Ah, but now that my previous business has been attended to and I have arrived, I really
think that you should stay", Q said smoothly as if that made everything better and excused
his canceling on me at the last minute. "After all, I'm here now, I believe this is our dance,
and as the Borg like to say 'resistance is futile', is it not?"

Oh well, when the man had a point - the man had a point! Perhaps this would be a Merry Christmas after all?


Now, here is Nic

"Baby? What in the world is this . . . cube doing floating in the living room?"

I turned to look at the handsome man with the perplexed look on his face. Finally, after many years of being in the state of single-hood, I had found someone worth having in my life. Now I just had to find a way to tell him about the Enterprise Christmas Party. This, after all, had
pretty much been my little secret the past few years.

"Well, hon. Ummmm, you see, there's this little Christmas party that I go to every year aaaaaaaaand, they send the invites in different ways and this just . . . happens to be this year's delivery method."

I walked over to look at the cube and I put my arms around my man in reassurance that
it was all okay. It wasn't until I reached out to take it in my hands that the top of the invitation opened up and a hologram of this horrific black, gray and blue metallic Christmas tree popped out. It looked like some twisted Tim Burton creation. A monotone voice droned out the
invitation to the Enterprise Christmas party for me and a guest and then the cube dissipated with very little fanfare.

"Damn Borgs. I hate when they try and take over the Christmas party. Everything is going
to be dull this year, unlike two years ago." That year's party they had actually made some
sort of an effort to make the party a fun event, but it seemed like everything would be going according to THEIR plan this year.

"Baby? Does this mean I have to wear a tux?"

"Yes, love, it does. And there is no saying no to this. I am NOT showing up there alone
AGAIN." My eyes flashed a bit of a challenge to my strapping honey. I didn't care if he
was over six feet tall and built well, I was going to make absolutely sure that he would go.

"Damn! There's no getting out of this for me is there?" He looked a bit sheepish and I knew
that even though he was one heck of a handsome man, he never really felt like he fit in much
of anywhere.

"Nope." I turned to go take inventory of my wardrobe to find a dress.

He reached out and grabbed my hand and pulled me back to him. "Well, as long as you're there, I guess I can handle anything." He pulled me close and held me in his arms for a minute and then, with his chin resting on top of my head muttered in his lovely West Texas drawl, "A tux. Lovely. I'm used to jeans and t-shirts and leather jackets."

"C'mon you big baby, it's just clothing. I have a feeling you'll look just fine." I actually knew he would look more than fine. He'd already been compared to a young Burt Reynolds and Josh Brolin with an "edgy side".

"I don't s'pose we can get there on my Harley can we?"

"No, baby. This is one place that you definitely CAN'T reach by conventional means." I tickled him and had him chasing me around my large apartment in no time, me laughing and squealing like a little kid. Honestly, I hadn't felt this good in years.


When we arrived at the Enterprise, we were greeted by my dear friend Captain Picard. He usually made it a point to try and come to meet my arrival personally. I think he has a bit of a soft spot for me, personally. And, what can I say? I absolutely adore him.

"Nic, what a pleasant sight! I am so glad to see you. That black dress is rather fetching –
though you do sort of look like an avenging angel of sorts." My dress was a strapless affair
made of leather, lace and had a fluffy tulle skirt that went down to my feet.
It served to hide my knives well. He gave me a warm hug and turned to my date. "And you must be Oscar. I've
heard so much about you that I feel I almost know you already. Welcome aboard. I hope the journey wasn't too much of a shock for you."

Oscar looked around and said, "Thank you. It was an . . . interesting experience but not an unpleasant one. I'm really looking forward to seeing what's in store."

We walked into the holodeck and, well, it was as I feared. Everything this year was done in the dark colors of a Borg cube. The tree WAS just as dismal and ugly as in the invitation hologram. Holy mackerel! I saw some of the kids from the Enterprise and that had been brought by other non-Enterprise personnel looking for presents under the tree and when I saw what appeared to be parts for assimilation my entire being shuddered in revulsion. Some of the kids were crying, others looked fearful.

Being a member of BACA (Bikers Against Child Abuse), and being a mother myself, I became downright furious with the whole affair. After all, how DARE they ruin probably the best loved holiday for these kids!? No child deserves to live in fear – and no child should have their favorite holiday tarnished forever.

I stomped over to Oscar and when he saw my face he said, "Bayyybeeee? What are you gonna do?" He knew me only too well.

"I'm going to look for the person responsible for putting this entire debacle on and give them a piece of my mind!" With Oscar hot on my heels I stalked off to look for the dear Captain. Certainly he could shed some light on this.

I found Captain Picard next to the drink station with Isaac the perennial Christmas bartender. He looked a little frazzled and distraught. Poor Dr. Crusher was trying her hardest to distract him but as Captain Picard looked around and saw the growing dismay of the party guests he really wasn't focused on the Doctor's more prominent, ahem, assets. The mood of the party was just as dark as the atmosphere in the holodeck.

The crying children were getting on the nerves of the more warring visitors, the scowls of those warring visitors were making the parents of the children extremely nervous, and while the Strolling Bones were trying their best at playing music, well, this year their efforts were clearly influenced by the Borg-like feel and look of the holodeck. It was rather discordant.

I sighed. "Captain, just what in the blue blazes is going on here?"

"My dear Nic. Well, this is a rather quietly kept secret but the Alpha Borg Queen 'requested' to be in charge of the party this year. She may or may not be planning on making an appearance and the rest of the Borg are doing everything in their power to make it as 'Borg-like' as
possible. This is turning into a disaster and I fear that this might ruin the rest of the Enterprise
Christmas parties to come. People will stop coming to them out of fear that this is what they'll get. Frankly, I'm not sure just how to put the genie back in the bottle, so to speak." He uncharacteristically gulped down a large snifter of brandy. Eyes watering from the burn and after a little cough, he looked at me and said, "I don't want to offend the Borg but I can't let this continue."

I looked at the Captain. My run-in with the Borg from the Christmas party two years ago was well documented. I'd brought my knives for a reason. Sharp enough to slice a strand of hair just by laying the hair over the blade, they certainly would work well in the matter of "negotiation". "Leave it to me, my friend. Nobody will ever know you were involved."

I left my darling Oscar with the Captain and Dr. Crusher. Not that I didn't think he could take care of himself, on the contrary, I knew he could more than adequately do so, but I needed to be able to concentrate solely on my mission and if I had to worry about him being used against me in the "negotiations" I wouldn't succeed.

Walking down one of the corridors I finally found what I was looking for. The Alpha Borg Queen had arrived. Flanked by several Borg fighters she looked imperious, cold, and a bit arrogant. Hmmm, I thought, we'll just see how high and mighty she feels after I get done with her. I quickly detached the skirt of my dress to reveal tight leather pants and thigh-high leather boots with my knives strapped to the right thigh. Shimmying up a cross section to a darkened part of the ceiling, with a knife clinched between my teeth, I braced myself against some crossbeams and waited for them to pass under me.

Seconds felt like minutes and minutes felt like hours. As I felt my muscles start to feel the first signs of strain and perspiration started to dot my brow, out of the corner of my eye I finally
saw the Queen and her escorts. It wouldn't be easy to get the drop on her and it would be a
tight fit, to say the least, but I was more than ready for the challenge. Knowing I'd face the Borg again some day, especially after having gone face to face and toe to toe with one of the lesser queens
at the party two years ago, I knew that I was on their radar and wanted to be as prepared as possible.

Four . . . three . . . two . . . ONE . . .

I dropped down right behind the Queen as she passed under me. I had transitioned my knife to my right hand mid-drop so I would be ready. Grabbing the tubes that hooked to her support system I held my knife to them, ready to sever them.

"Back off or I'll kill your Queen without hesitation!" The Borg security escorts looked perplexed as if it didn't register just what was happening. Since the Borg weren't really supposed to show emotion, that seemed a little strange to me. But, they backed away, leaving me free to "negotiate" with the Queen.

"Let Us guess, this is the infamous Nic who foolishly went up against one of Our queens two years ago – "

"And won. Don't forget that part." My heart was thundering. Surely I'd just consigned myself to death by this action. I'd never see my daughter again, never be held by Oscar again, never laugh with my friends again, never hug my mom again. Crapperjacks! This was NOT one of my better ideas! I hated acting on emotion and realizing the consequences later! I had to keep up my bravado though because the children and Captain Picard were counting on me.

"Yes, and won. Don't think that has escaped Our notice. And you're threatening to kill Us this year because?" Her voice was low, cold and deadly without a shred of emotion in it. My palms were starting to sweat a little bit now. Double damn!

"This is no Christmas party! What were you thinking? Were you thinking to 'sway' the guests to your side with this monstrosity of a joke? Nobody in their right mind would want to be assimilated after experiencing this hell you've bound them to with this party. There are countless races in there who will never willingly join you now."

"We can always take them by force if need be." The queen's voice was steady and unworried.

"But now they will be prepared for you. How many of your people will you sacrifice? You have nothing to fight for and they have everything to fight for and a people united together for a common goal, to fight for everything they know and hold dear, to fight for their freedom are
the most dangerous people of all. If you want to have more than a snowball's chance in hell of winning ANY of these people over to your side in the long run, you'd better do quick work of changing the atmosphere in there or they just might kill each other over it."

"You speak passionately and your words are eloquent. You would make a good recr –"

I yanked sharply on the tubes to shut her up. "Stifle it Edith. You know as well as I do that it is forbidden to go to the past to change the known history so don't even try it. And you can shove your platitudes about me where the sun don't shine. It didn't work so well with your lesser queen now did it? While you can't change the past, this future hasn't happened yet in my time and really, nobody will miss you too much so I could go ahead and do away with you now. . ." I let the sentence trail off, figuring that the Alpha Borg Queen might have at least a little survival instinct in her.

Precious seconds ticked by. The Queen's escorts stood still as rocks. I don't know if it was the collective mind telling them to be still, or at least be patient for an attack on me or if they were
in some way concerned that I would actually kill the supreme, head, high-honcho Queen of all the Borg.

"Fine. We will let you win . . . this time. You will have your Christmas party the way you want
it. But know this, little Earthling, next time We may not be so generous with you. Do not go making this a habit."

"And I am free to go, without interference, safe and whole?"

"Yes. Provided you do not tell anyone what happened."

"And you and ALL the Borg down to the most insignificant will leave my family and friends and their families completely alone?"

"Yes. On that you have Our word. After all, you are several centuries in the past and, as you indicated, it is forbidden."

"When I get back into the holodeck, everything had better be changed." I let go of her tubes, backed up to where I had stashed my skirt, re-sheathed my knife and re-attached the tulle skirt, all the time with my eye on the Queen and her escorts. After a moment they turned as one, the escorts surrounded the Queen and off they went in the direction of the holodeck.

Oh, Lordie, I sure hoped that things were back to "normal" when I got back. I needed a stiff drink after that ordeal.

As I entered the holodeck, the atmosphere had perked up immensely. The traditional
Christmas tree trimmed with tinsel and lights and red and green and silver and gold was there. Mistletoe hung from the door ways, the music was pleasant and fun, a little bit of rock, a little
bit of choral, a little bit of traditional all rolled into one. Best of all, the kids were smiling and laughing once again as the horrific presents under the tree were no longer there. Instead, in
their place were festively wrapped gifts with sparkly bows. One for each child.

I made my way to the Captain, Dr. Crusher and my own wonderful man. Captain Picard looked at me with a puzzled gaze. "What just happened, my dear?"

"Captain, let's just say that I am a skilled negotiator . . . and that's all I can say. Man, I need a drink!" I turned around to find Oscar there, looking absolutely breathtaking in his tux,
holding a whiskey and coke for me.

"Baby, how did you know I would need this?" I took it from him, my fingers brushing his, and then took a rather large drink from it.

"Because I know you. You don't need a man to handle any problems for you that come your
way, you can do that on your own. But I do know that you need to be taken care of when
you're done handling those problems."

"And you take care of me so well. Thank you baby, for everything." I set my drink down, took his hand and led him to the dance floor and settled into his arms to glide around the floor, my cheek on his broad chest. His cheek on the top of my head. The love of a lifetime, right there beside me. Never once questioning what I had to do but always there to take care of me no matter what. As I listened to the faint laughter of the kids as they played in the snow center,
the happy murmur of the crowd and the steady beat of Oscar's heart, I realized just how truly blessed I was.

I pulled back to look at him and as I looked into his eyes, I knew I could see forever in them. I pulled his head down to mine and put my lips next to his ear. "Merry Christmas, baby. I love you." I whispered. He shivered in my arms like I knew he would. Sensitive and ticklish ears.
A small giggle escaped me.

He smiled down at me and winked. "Merry Christmas back at you baby. I love you too." We continued to dance body to body as if we were the only two souls on the floor.

Yes, all was right with my world.


Wow! I think Jennifer Baxter, our leather-clad Ensign would be proud of Nic there!

And lastly....from me....

I had been getting very nervous. After all, with the leader of the entire Borg race visiting, I had to be careful that offering a vol-au-vant at the wrong time might mean assimilation for the entire crew!

That's diplomacy for you.

With the countdown to the party, I go to collect Bev, my escort.

She wears a beautiful black, satin dress, that goes to the floor.

"Disappointed I'm not wearing Six's dress, Jean-Luc?" she asks me.

"Well...err..." I answer. She knows just what I'm thinking.

"Would you REALLY want me to go to the Party in a micro red transparent dress that all the crew could see?" she asks, "Or would you like me to keep it for when we have a private dinner between us?"

"You're right, Bev." I concede, "You look great."


With the party well underway, Seven approaches me.

"Locutus." she tells me, "The Borg Queen informs me that our Leader is here."

I cough, and go with the entourage to meet her.

"Greetings, your Majesty." I say to her. Seven coached me on the proper etiquette, "I am Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the..."

"You are Locutus of Borg?" she says, interrupting me, "The Captain of this ship who helped the Borg defeat the Cylons in the recent war?"

"Errr...yes I am." I admit.

"Then I an the rest of the Borg race thank you for your actions." she comments, "You would indeed be worthy of assimilation."

"Perhaps another time, Leader." says the Borg Queen 01, who is next to her in full grovelling mode, "Shall we go to the Party?"

"Indeed." the Leader says, "I am most curious to see what this Enterprise Christmas Party is about."


The entourage goes into the main dancing area, where The Strolling Drones are playing It's Only Assimilation (But I Like It) extra loud to the delight of Ensign Britney and T'Pol who are whooping it together on the floor with air guitars.

"Very strange." comments the Alpha Borg Queen, "I have not seen behaviour like this before."

"Oh, we are very used to it." Ro Laren answers, as she offers the Leader a Klingon Bloodwine. She staggers back, but the Queen 01 is there to hold her.

"This is a most powerful concoction." the Borg Leader says to herself, then has another drink, empties the glass and asks for another.

"I don't think you should have another, you majesty." advises the 01 Queen.

"Quiet!" she replies, "I like it....now give me a party hat and let's dance, Locutus!"

Much to Bev's annoyance, I escort the Alpha Borg Queen just as a slow smoochy number is coming on.

"Why are the dancers close together, Locutus?" she asks.

"Because this is a romantic song, your Majesty." I reply, "The dancers are meant to be romantically together."

"I see." she says to herself, and pulls me right up to her, as we move slowly. I can just about make the steam out in the corner where Bev is.

The Leader then glimpses over and sees Deanna Troi.

"You have a Deanna Troi here, I see, Locutus." she says to me, "The Borg version from the alternative universe is most troublesome. If you would care to do a swap, you could do what you like with the one I gave you. We would give Deanna her own Cube and set of drones."

"Err, I don't think so, your Majesty." I reply, "I believe she is happy where she is."

"Very well." she answers, "Although there might be a time when Troi would have no choice."

"Can I cut in?" Bev says, and I quickly get Riker to dance with the Alpha Borg Queen."

"Bev!" I exclaim, "You could get us all assimilated!"

"No souped-up Borg is going to stop me dancing the smoochy records with you, Jean-Luc." she says, and pulls me closer than the Queen could.

I check to see if the Alpha Queen and 01 are all right. Ensign Britney and T'Pol seem like they are telling the Borg one of their lewd jokes. As both the Queen and her subordinate are laughing uncontrolably, it looks like it went well.

"C'mon, Jean-Luc." says Bev, "Lighten up for Christmas."

I agree and give her a big kiss.

"Happy Christmas, Bev."

"Happy Christmas, Jean-Luc"


Thursday, December 04, 2008

Enterprise Christmas Party (Part Four)

By now, Lieutenant Worf was under the table as a result of him drinking all that Klingon Bloodwine.

I ask Commander Data what the latest Security situation is. His girlfriend Jennifer Baxter seems somewhat annoyed that I'd interrupted him just as they were going to do a romantic slow dance.

"As far as I know, Captain." he replies, "There was an altercation between some ninja warriors and Amazons that came with Queen Diana. The groups are being kept in different brigs for now until the end of the Party. Lieutenant Worf did his best to avoid any violence, although he was not in good condition."

"Indeed." I say, raising an eyebrow and seeing Lieutenant Worf under the drinking table, holding on to a bottle.

"Captain." Riker tells me, "More guests are arriving."


Epiphany walks in...

I can’t tell you my dismay when Ensign Britney asked me to accompany her to the Enterprise Christmas party this year. I mean, sure she’s my cousin, but we couldn’t be more different.

I work in a more administrative capacity on the Enterprise. Behind the scenes. Truth be told, I like it that way. I’m much more reserved than Britney, and don’t even get me started on when she and T’Pol get together. Embarrassment galore for yours truly.

It’s now 45 minutes past the time Britney said she’d pick me up. Ah, there’s the knock. Well, lovely. It’s apparent she has tipped more than a few back in anticipation of the night’s festivities. She is adorned in her usual “Santa’s Helper” outfit that would be better suited for an episode of The Girls Next Door. Did I mention she has a little piece of mistletoe affixed to the front of her Santa hat? Figures.

We’re off to the party. Britney is weaving left and right, and hooting and hollering like she’s at a rodeo. I just want to slink back to my quarters, but it’s too late as the Captain has seen us.

“Well, look at you, Ensign Britney. Appropriate attire as usual, I see.” the Captain says.
“And you, Epiphany. Thank you for coming. You usually sit these things out.”

“Yes sir” I reply “you’re right. I thought I’d live a little this year, what with the appearance of the Borg Queen and all.”

The Captain smiles, and continues to receive the guests.

Britney and I make our way toward the bar. The Strolling Drones are doing there level best to keep the energy upbeat, but most of the partygoers are seated and looking around at each other like deer in the headlights. Ah well, the evening has just begun. I’m sure it will pick up once…

“Hey, y’all!! What do you think this is, a funeral?!” Ensign Britney exclaims as she launches herself onto the bar and starts dancing. “It’s Christmas! Time to get crazy!”

She is immediately joined by T’Pol, and my worst nightmare is again realized by the re-formation of the Degradation Duo. Ugh! I can only imagine where this night will lead. Why didn’t I just stay in my quarters?


Rashbre has just appeared...

Rashbre and Britney's hopper was slipstreaming past a spectacularly long Romulan freighter. There was so much additional gravity from the mass of the other vessel that we flipped the G down two whole notches.

"Its one of those S-ANTA Specials", commented Britney, "The elvenfolk have a peak in their output at this time of year."

Rashbre nodded, centering the nav on a distant spec. "I can locate the Pole - we can make it in a single jump, but we need to be careful about nose-cone overheating."

A hop later and the craft was slowing down for docking, in a low orbit tractored to the Enterprise.

Rashbre contacted the holodeck. "You are still red", came the response. "You'll need to stay in orbit another few minutes until the nose stops glowing red."

"Thats great", said Britney,"I can get ready for the party. I want to take a couple of things off before we go inside - those parties are always so hot!"

Ten minutes later they stood in the Enterprise's VIP elevator, which someone had sprayed with permafrost. " I wasn't expecting this", tittered Britney, through chattering teeth. and suddenly they could hear "Get off my cloud" belting from the sound system. The Strolling Drones were rocking and everyone was dancing.

"The cloud must be a dense material such as titanium in a gravitational orbit", Data was saying to a small group gathered around, "It certainly can't be water based".

The others nodded, but Lwaxana was mouthing something to Craziequeen. "Nice brownies", she said, "Yes I added some schrooms", replied CQ giggling. "Its a re-enactment of an old recipe - it usually creates a few side effects!".

The dancefloor was spectacular; the Borg had used semigrav flooring. People skittered around in the mid air, whilst every few minutes a part of the dance floor received blasts of flexifoam, the brilliant foam which could be removed entirely by stepping back into a green light.

Bob-kat, Panthergirl and Florence were in some kind of floatation formation in mid air and Riker was in the middle of the group, spinning slowly in the low grav. "See how we can drink upside down", called Florence and Rashbre smiled across.

"Mine's the usual", Rashbre called to the Borg barman.

"You got it", came the reply, "You are always off piste, so that'll be an Intergalactic Garglebaster!"

Rashbre looked around - it was Captain Picard smiling, outstretched arms in greeting - "Great to see you after all this time", called Rashbre, "You too" came JLP's reply.


Emerging from a telephone box in the corner is Superman

At first I didn't want to go to Captain Picard's Christmas party. But Lois talked me into it. With the citizens of Kandor, they can take care of Metropolis since they are now full sized. Besides Conner, and Kara wanted to go While Kara has been acting more normal, Conner...well I wouldn't want him to be the only one there to represent the Kryptonians of the 21 st century.

And it'll be a good way to get Ma off of The Kent Farm with all of the memories of Pa there. After being transported through time, and space well I wasn't expecting a drab dark overly sanitized high tech environment.

The Captain explained about the Borg Queen attending the party. This should be interesting, although I haven't ran into many all that many cybernetic beings that have been benevolent. Like Brainac, and Cyborg Superman.

Just as soon as I am about to take Lois to the dance floor, I'm swamped by by aliens who want to think me for saving there planets in my time or just wanting my autograph.

I take time to sign autographs, and speak with all of the aliens. " This is embarassing" I whisper to Lois.

“Yeah right you know you love it. "I roll my eyes when Cassandra Cain's future son Bruce causes a ruckus. You know I always thought Batgirl was a good match for Conner, plus it annoyed Batman so that was a bonus.

Although Vincent is a good kid from what I've seen of him, it does annoy Ma that Vegeta uses this as another reason why he thinks Saiyans are better than Kryptonians.

Anyway, after that little battle was over, some kid named Wesley. caused an explosion. No one was hurt since I stopped the fire with my super breath. But the anti-matter creature the explosion caused was released.

We finally stopped that by luring it into the engines. After that was over, The party restarted, and I had the chance to dance with Lois. Soon it was time for us to go back.

I found Kara With a green boy from the planet Orion he gave her his number. Hmmm Supergirl dating a green boy from the future why am I getting Deja Vu here?

I found Ma telling embarrassing stories about me as a baby. To the bartender Guinan. Sigh. Now to find Conner. I find him dancing on the tables and Great Krypton... he's nude!

“Woo! This synthahol is awesome!"

I almost didn't have the heart to tell him that synthetic alcohol does not make you drunk. I apologize to Captain Picard.

“Don’t worry we all know of Superman Secoundus' mischievous streak."

I’m transported back to my time before I could ask "who?"


More Guests on the Final Party Day tomorrow!

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

Enterprise Christmas Party (Part Three)

"Are you keeping an eye on Ensign Britney?" I ask Mr Worf, who clearly looks like he has been drinking too much already.

"Yesh, Cap'n." he replies in a slight stupor, "She hash'ent caushed any trouble."

I sigh.

Perhaps someone should be keeping an eye on Mr Worf?

More guests are here...


Bruce Cain appears.

Wow this weird, usually I only go into the past. Believe me it's strange to see your parents as high school sweethearts. Now I'm centuries into the future. Well a future.

When I received the invitation from this Captain Picard I was going to decline, but Gwen insisted on going. though I think it could be a trap... " How in the world did you inherit Bruce Wayne's paranoia? he's only your adopted grandfather." She glares at me.

But when I saw the dress she was wearing well I had to go.

So we are transported to through space, and time to the Enterprise when I say we I men me Gwen, and several ninja body guards.We appeared in what looked like Borg Cube.

" Blast it I knew it was a trap!" I take out a a sword , and several non Borg point at me with some kind of laser guns. This bald man who identifies himself as the Captain tells me this is all only an illusion except for real Borg.

Bah! I can't believe people in the future are letting these things walk around with them. I'm wary of the cyborgs as me , and Gwen meet new people. She makes some joke about how my grandmother Bulma would love to study the android Data.

I groan until this blonde with a spear. shows up and asks Gwen about her man servant.

"Who Bruce? No he's the greatest fighter in our time."

This Karena laughs. " I bet you just let him think that don't you?" she says with a mocking laugh.
Stupid Amazons.

"Attack." I tell my ninjas.

" Aww! Come on Bruce! This is way we can never go anywhere nice. I take a remote from my pocket that my Grandmother gave and used it to sic the Borg on to any amazon in this Holodeck.

An angry Klingon attacked me with this huge sword like thing well I'm going to get some fun here after all. " Yes Klingon! it's a good day to die isn't it?"
Our blades clang causing sparks to fly. I start to enjoy myself when several of my ninjas are knocked away by a small woman in all black. Oh no it can't be. Mom.

I had no idea she was here. I'm humiliated as I'm berated by her in front of the Klingon, the amazons, and the Borg. I knew I shouldn't have come here. Now she's going to make m apologise to everyone Bah!


Behind Bruce, a caped figure emerges... Batman

So it's that time of year again time Captain Picard's Christmas Party. And of course, Robin, and Nightwing have plans with their girlfriends or in Dick's case one of many. So like last year. I only go with Diana, and Cassandra.
I find a surprise, as I'm picked up by the Enterprise's transporter. Clark along with his family was here. And oddly a woman that looked exactly like Diana. The Queen of Wondwawoman.

Clark decides to tease me " She looks a lot like Wonder Woman. Perhaps she is Diana? And that daughter..."

" Don't even say it Clark." I growl. "Just because they look alike doesn't mean they are the same person in fact... you would possibly know she isn't with all of those vision powers."

He does that farm boy laugh of his, and goes to learn about the alien cultures of this future. me I become stuck with Counselor Troi who keeps asking questions of my adventures in Gotham.

I see she is only using me to make the donut sugar clad Riker jealous. Hh. I don't have time for this. I use the distraction of the fearsome cyborg queen entering to to slip away.

I see Diana and caress her only to be slapped. " How dare you you strangely dressed Man?" Great wrong one. Before I'm executed by Amazons all the cyborgs attack along with ninjas.

Clark keeps them from assimilating any one while I stun them with electric Batarangs. Batgirl fights through a group of ninjas while Wonder Woman watches her back to keep the Borg off of her.

There she gets finds the source of the trouble her future possible son Bruce Cain. What comes next is strange scene where the younger Cassandra scolds the older Bruce. The fun of time travel.

After It's all over. Wonder Woman, Supergirl, Batgirl are all made honorary amazons of the planet Wondawowman. Me I'm told by them I'm too old to play with toys, and Superman is told he should not wear his underwear on the outside of his pants.

Hhh, story of my life.


Lahdeedah is next...

I arrived at the Christmas party late, but in good cheer, dressed to the nines in the perfect Little Black Dress, with matching sparkly bag.

I was in a good mood. I had slipped some mistletoe in my evening bag, and was kissing all the cuties I could find. Data was a bit tricky. He wanted to know just why he needed to kiss me if I held up a mistletoe. He finally relented when I said it was a sacred custom and he would be committing a serious breach of courtesy that I may report to the Captain if he didn't just hurry up and pucker up.

That line worked on all the guys, and I was having a blast until Seven of Nine showed up.

"What is that?"

"Um, mistletoe," I said.

"What power does it hold over men? You put it over their head, and they seem to obey you."

"It's mostly symbolic."

"I want it."

"Excuse me?"

"If, by holding this little piece of greenery over a man's head, it reduces him to such giggling little fool, than it is powerful, and I want one."

"Right, okay then."

I handed her the mistletoe and watched her brandish it over some poor half-sober-half-drunk ensign.

I wondered how the night would end for her, and passed by the Strolling Drones… they'd be a real hit in my time – and headed for the bar. With one form of fun taken away, it was time to seek out another kind.

More Guests in Part Four tomorrow!