At Santa's Workshop

"I don't know whether this was a very good idea." I say to Bev as we trawl through the snow.

"Sure it is, Jean-Luc" she replies, "This'll be heaps of fun, "We set a holodeck program where we could go to Lapland and meet Santa Claus at his workshop. Isn't that what you always wanted to do?"

"Well, actually no." I comment.

"Oh don't be a spoilsport!" she says, "Look, there is Santa's house in the distance."

We see a little cottage in the distance, , with smoke coming out of the chimney. The snow is coming down heavily. Eventually, we reach the door, and knock.

"Come on in!" says a voice.



"I'm Santa Claus." he tells us, "You must be the two new elves I advertised for in the Lapland Chronicle. I had to fire the last two because their productivity rate on toymaking wasn't up to standard for the job"

"There must be some mistake, Mr Claus." Bev answers, "We only came to visit. and.."

"I might have known it!" Santa says disgustedly, "Another pair of idlers who want to quit rather than work with their hands."

I get annoyed at this. "Not at all." I tell him, "We'll do any job."



"Are you crazy?" Bev whispers, "He is a dictator."

"It's just a bit of fun, Beverly, "Let's go along with it for now."

We go downstairs to the workshop, where some elves are working tirelessly. We are shown two spaces and told to start making toys as fast as possible or we'll be out on our ears.



"You've picked the wronmg place to come for a job, mate." says a tiny voice sitting next to me, "That Santa ignores the Elf Work Practices Charter. He'll have you working morning, noon and night to nget these toys out"

"I see what you mean." I reply, and then see a shapely woman monitoring everybody.



"Who is she?"  I ask.

"You want to stay clear of her." the small elf answers, "That's Selina, Santa's favourite elf."

"I wonder why?" Bev comments drily.

"Yeah, she knows what Santa likes, "Any wrongdoing, and Selina reports to Santa and he chucks us into the snow."

"Jean-Luc." Bev whispers, "I think this holodeck program needs some adjusting."

"I agree, Beverly, "Computer, change to Picard Program  01Christmas."

The scene changes. Bev and I are in a warm log cabin, miles from anywhere. Snow is outside, with a roaing log fire in the centre, a Christmas tree up, with lots of gifts to open. There is also a bottle of champagne with two glasses on the table.

"Ah, Jean-Luc." says Beverly with a smile, "This is MUCH better than my idea."

We pour the drink and toast each other.

"Happy Christmas, Bev"

"Happy Christmas, Jean-Luc"

------------------------------

Editor's Note:


I'd like to wish everyone a very Happy Christmas. Peace and goodwill to all.

Sheena's First Christmas

Guest Poster: Sheena

Everyone on the USS Rhode Island is acting very strangely.

They are being very friendly towards each other. Some are exchanging gifts. I've even seen some holding a small berry-like plant above another's head and kissing them passionately.

Whatever is this strange ritual?

Daddy comes in, looking excited.



"Hello, sweetie." he says, "Are you ready for Santa Claus?"

Santa Claus? Who is he then? Mommy walks up to us.



"Wes!" says mommy sharply, "This is Sheena's first Christmas. She iusn't going to know who Santa Claus is. Incidentally, on my home planet of Wondawowman, Santa is a superstrong amazon dressed in red who drives in a sleigh pulled by men."

"I kniow that." sighs daddy, "But we had agreed to teach Sheena what the rest of the galaxy knows about Santa instead"

"Very well, pumpkin." mommy says, and the two of them sit to face me.

"Now then, Sheena." daddy begins, "On the 25th of December, you're due for a big surprise."

Is the President of Starfleet visiting, I wonder to myself?

"A person known as Santa Claus will be visiting you." mommy continues, "He will be going to all the boys and girls in the galaxy and delivering toys and presents to those children who have been good this year."

That counts me out straight away. There have been times I've feigned crying just to get attention in the middle of the night. I'm a bad girl.

"You'll be getting some beautiful things, sweetie." daddy tells me, "I've arranged it with Santa that you get the best."

Oh really? Santa couldn't have noticed. I'll keep quiet about that, which is pretty easy really, as I can only say a few vital words that mommy taught me, like 'spear', 'woman' and 'amazon'.

"All the children will be getting presents on Christmas Day" daddy tells me, "Just keep your eyes closed at night while he arrives on his sleigh carrying toys and deposits them in your nursery."

This is a bit puzzling to me, as Captain Hernandez will not allow aliens on board the USS Rhode Island without good reason. I suppose Santa has special dispensation. I hope so, as I wouldn't like Santa to be blown to pieces out in space by a couple of photon torpedoes.

I'm also baffled as to how Santa gets around the galaxy so fast. Perhaps his sleigh has warp speed capability?

Anyway, I'm, mgoing to be a good little girl from now on...until I get the presents, anyway.

TWQ: Still To Buy For Christmas?

With just a week to go to Christmas, TWQ (the Weekend Question) asks you what vital items you have yet to get.

What presents or items have you still got to buy for Christmas next Saturday? List as many as you wish.

My answers are:

* Items for Christmas dinner
* Basic survival foods
* Something I won't remember until it's too late

Now it's over to you....

The Enterprise Christmas Party (Part Four)

Guest Poster: Deanna Troi

I watch the Borg Queen sulk off to the bar to drink a couple of Gargleblasters after Beverly was revived and took possession of the Captain again on the dancefloor. For a moment, I thought there was a real catfight, but both women have a dignity that says in their body language "Next time it won't be easy."



"I'm glad we got out of that." Will says quietly, "There could have been a lot of trouble. I'm gonna grab a donut and champagne from the buffet. Do you want a donut?"

I politely decline, and make my way to the bar, but well clear of Queenie, who is now chatting to Seven Of Nine.

Annette hands me a chocolate flavoured Thirstquencher, and I sit down on the bar stool, watching the crew enjoy themselves.

A few familiar faces from the 21st century hasve reappeared. Nic, Linda, Michael, Susan and a few others. Worf is making them all sign a non-disclosure document, which ensures they will not interfere with the Temporal Prime Directive when they return home. As soon as they sign they head for the bar and the dancefloor to enjoy the night.

"Hi, baby." sayts a soft feminine voice.



"Err...hello." I say hesitantly to the red-blonde girl in front of me.

"I'm Daisy" she says, "Wanna buy me a drink?"

Amazed at her bravado, I do so, telling her that I'm Deanna.

"Did I see you talking with Queenie a few hours ago?"

"Yeah." she answers, while drinking her Earthmover, "She didn't wanna do it."

"Do what, Daisy?"

"Go outside and neck." she casually answers, "You look like you might want to. Shall we? Let me just finish my drink first."



"Err...Daisy, I'm not like that." I carefully answer, "Thanks, though."

"Too bad, Deanna." Daisy smiles, "You're a hot babe. If you ever change your mind, I'll be here at The Pink Klingon"

I walk away from my admirer, who winks at me as I go. I must admit, I was a little flattered. giggle!

At the dancefloor, Captain Picard is doing his speech. It's the one thing not to look forward to at the Christmas Party! giggle!

"Fellow crew members and guests." the Captain starts, with Bev looking at him adoringly by his side., "This is the time of year when we remember what Christmas is all about, we remember those less fortunate than ourselves, and we remember our friends in Starfleet and beyond. This vast galaxy......"

The Captain goes on for another 20 minutes, and when it ends, we all cheer because it has stopped.

"Happy Christmas, everybody!!!!" the Captain calls out.

And so say we all.

The Enterprise Christmas Party (Part Three)

Guest Poster: Beverly Crusher

I groggily wake up. Clearly I have being lying on the floor.

Data is standing over me.

"What happened, Data?" I try to say, although the room as spinning round.

"Evidentally, Doctor Crusher." he answers, "The Borg Queen switched the drinks which contained the knockout pills you were supposed to give her to keep her out of trouble. As a result, she has been dancing with Captain Picard non-stop. I administered an antidote to revive you earlier than you would have done"

The room stops spinning .I recall where I am. The Enterprise crew are in The Pink Klingon bar and nightclub, celebrating the annual party. Getting up, I look towards the dancefloor. Jean-Luc looks panic stricken as he is hauled around by the Borg Queen, who has just gestured to the band The Strolling Drones to play Long Legged Woman Dressed In Black



She’s a long-legged woman dressed in black,
dressed in black, dressed in black,
dressed in black, black, black
She’s a long-legged woman dressed in black,
dressed in black, dressed in black,
dressed in black, black, black


Every time I make a move,she tell me no
Every time I make a move,she tell me no
Every time I make a move,she tell me no
Every time I make a move,she tell me no

Yeah, she knows how to move, how to rock
How to rock, how to rock, how to rock, rock, rock
Yeah, she knows how to move, how to rock
How to rock, how to rock, how to rock, rock, rock

And she’s stoned like a flash in the night
In the night, in the night, in the n-, ni-, night
And she’s stoned like a flash in the night
In the night, in the night, in the n-, ni-, night

Every time I make a move,she tell me no
Every time I make a move,she tell me no
Every time I make a move,she tell me no
Every time, every time, every time, every time, every time, every time
Whoa!

She’s a long-legged woman dressed in black,
dressed in black, dressed in black,
dressed in black, black, black
She’s a long-legged woman dressed in black,
dressed in black, dressed in black,
dressed in black, black, black

Every time I make a move,she tell me no
Every time I make a move,she tell me no
Every time I make a move,she tell me no

I know the answer to that! I stride over to the band and tell them to play a rock version of Green Eyes, Red Hair



Devil’s inside her
The devil’s inside her

Green eyes, red hair, long legs
Devil inside her
Green eyes, red hair, long legs
Devil inside her

She’s a cup of tea, she’s a Jaegerbomb
She’s an angel, she’s an Amazon
She’s a poem, she’s an alphabet
She’s a violin with a bayonet
She’s a revolution, she’s a peace accord
She’s a grain of sand, she’s the Cliffs of Moher
She’s Friday night, she’s Sunday Morning
She’s a fair wind, she’s a sailor’s warning

Green eyes, red hair, long legs
Devil inside her
Green eyes, red hair, long legs
She’s got the devil inside her

She’s a glass house, she’s an ivory tower
She’s a tin roof, she’s a summer shower
She’s a carnival, she’s a masquerade
She’s a picket fence, she’s lemonade

Green eyes, red hair, long legs
Devil inside her
Green eyes, red hair, long legs
Devil inside her
Green eyes, red hair, long legs
Devil inside her
Green eyes, red hair, long legs
She’s got the devil inside her

She can disappear, she can walk on water
She’s the Queen of Sheba, she’s the farmer’s daughter
She’s a cocktail dress, a cowboy boot
She’s a question mark, she’s absolute

Green eyes, red hair, long legs
Devil inside her
Green eyes, red hair, long legs
Devil inside her
Green eyes, red hair, long legs
Devil inside her
Green eyes, red hair, long legs
She’s got the devil inside her

She’s got the devil inside her

As it plays, I go up to Queenie and Jean-Luc and grab the Captain.

"Look, Jean-Luc" I say, "They're playing my song."

I whisk him away, and the Borg Queen is left amazed on the dance floor until she sulks off to the bar to get a drink from the hosts Annette and Amanda.

"Well done, Bev." Jean-Luc tells me, "You came through. But how...?"

"Never underestimate a woman's determinhation to keep her man" I reply with a sly smile.

TWQ: Adverts You Turn Down

Adverts are annoying at the best of times, but TWQ (the Weekend Question) asks about those really excruciating ones.

Which TV advertisements are so bad you have to turn the sound right down or puter it on 'mute' to avoid listening to it? List as many as you wish.

My answers are:

* The Go Compare adverts. Voted the most irritating adverts in Britain, where a big fat man sings Go Compare! in various situations.

* The BOGOF adverts where a crazy guy screams at the top of his voice 'Buy On, Get One Free'.

* A double glazing advert where a washed up former soap star shouts the virtues of this product.

All of the above are extra loud adverts, which make them more annoying.

Now it's over to you....

The Enterprise Christmas Party (Part Two)

Editor's Note:

Captain Picard and Bev are planning to prevent the Borg Queen from dominating the Enterprise Christmas Party at The Pink Klingon and romancing the Captain by putting a knockout pill in her drink. The Queen has just arrived.




Guest Poster: The Borg Queen

I love to make a grand entrance!

Everyone turns to look at me, as I wear my little black dress with a low cut neckline. I know all will want to dance with me, but only the Captain is on myt dancecard tonight.

The Strolling Drones tune up and play the Borg song We Love The Queen.

Figure of beauty,
A leader not mean,
Our guiding light,
We love the Queen.

Jean-Luc and the Redhead both come up to greet me.

"Greetings, Queenie." Jean-Luc says, "I hope you will enjoy this year's Enterprise Christmas Party."



"I'm sure I will." I tell them, "I particularly love the Okey Cokey, Time Warp and all those smoochy dances....don't you, Jean-Luc?"

He looks a little nervous. I wonder why?

"Do you want a drink?" asks the Redhead, "There is a lovely drink right here."

"Maybe later, Bev." I reply, "I'll start at the bar."

I stride over there and order a Gargleblaster from Annette, who is serving. I suddenly become aware of someone who is stroking my shoulder. I turn round quickly.



"Hi there, beautiful!" says a reddish haired human female, who is eating a strawberry, "I'm Daisy, what's your name?"

"You may call me Queenie." I answer in a puzzled voice, "What is it you require?"

"What a gorgeous name. Do you wanna dance for a while, and maybe neck outside?" Daisy casually asks.

"Do you want to be assimuilated?" I tersely reply.

"What's that then?" Daisy says, "Is it the latest drug that's going around the clubs?"

I walk away in wonderment. The young today have no idea.

The Redhead pins me as I do, and guides me to where the punchbowl is. She gets two glasses of punch.



Let's toast to our friendship, Queenie." Bev says, and remarks on the fact that Worf and Jadzia married a few months ago, although I can see out of the corner of my eye her hand is doing something with the drinks.

"Indeed, Bev." I say, "It is good that we are friends, and tell her that she just needs to ask The Strolling Drones to play any song and they will.

I quickly switch the drinks around. We pick them up. "To friendship!"

The Redhead drinks some more, and in a few seconds, her eyerballs look like they are going all over the place. I ease her on the floor and roll her under the table, unconsious.

Jean-Luc is standing around, looking innocent. Doubtless he is involved in this as well.

As I approach, he starts to say, "Bev, did it work?" and he sees me.



"Yes, It did work." I say with a sly smiler, "Beverly is resting comfortably. Now we've got the Okey Cokey and ALL those smoochy slow dances to look forward to."

I grab him and take him to the dancefloor. This is going to be a fabulous Christmas Party!

The Enterprise Christmas Party (Part One)

"I fail to see how the Enterprise Christmas Party ended up here." grumbles Lieutenant Worf to me, "To think it ended up in such an establishment as The Pink Klingon is beyond the pale."



"Quit complaining, Worfie." says his wife, Jadzia, "Actiually, it's quite a beautiful place. I've just heard from some of the regulars here that many Klingons actually visit, although they are discreet about it."

Worf snorts in derision, and says a true Klingon warrior would go to The Bloodaxe,  a wild place where people have to fight the doorman and win before being allowed to enter.

As Bev and I look around, we see that the Borg band The Strolling Drones are playing light music in the background, the tune I Wanna Be Assimilated wafting through the room.

Take me now to that Cube room,
Where it's all greeny decorated,
Slap that metal on me now,
Yeah, I wanna be assimilated

As Britney and T'Pol are the regulars here, they walk lightly to the owners Annette and Amanda and exchange kisses.



"Hiya, Brit, hiya T'Pol." says the blonde haired Annette, "Glad to see you both here again. You've bought quite a few people with you.."

"Yeah." agrees the dark haired Amanda, "The party is gonna be a blast. "Hiya Captain. Planning to dance with Commander Riker?"

"No, I'll stick with Bev." I tell her in a deep voice. They both giggle.

Deanna laughs, and takes Riker on to the dancefloor when the Drones play I'm A Pretty Betazoid.

I'm a pretty Betazoid,
I'll make you unwind,
You think that,
As I can read your mind.

Jennifer Baxter arrives in a daring dress, while Data has a tuxedo.



"Greetings, Captain." Data says in his usual voice, "I hope tonmight will be a most pleasant experience."

"For goodness sake." Jenny tells him, "Data, put your emotion chip in and let your hair down!"

"But Jennifer." Data replies, somewhat confused, my hair is not up."

Bev and I walk over to the drinks, where Amanda is serving out all the wine. We both have a Klingon Bloodwine, which makes us a little dozy..



"Jean-Luc." she asks, "What are we gonna do when the Borg Queen arrives? She will want to dominate the party and take over. More than likely, she will butt in between us. You know what her affections are towards you?"

"I've thought about this, Bev." I tell her, "When she comes, you offer her a drink. It'll have this special knockout pill. It will have her sleeping like a baby while the rest of us can enjoy the party."

"You are a clever Captain!" Bev laughs, and the two of us waltz off to enjoy Fly Me To The Moon being played.. After that, a rousing rock song, Sector 57 Blues brings Btritney and T'Pol dancing together.



No time to waste,
No time to lose,
Cos I tell ya, honey,
I got the Sector 57 Blues


"Yeah, baby!" yells Britney, "Let's rock n'roll!"

"I'm with ya all the way, sweetie!" T'Pol replies.

The song comes to an end, and an official suddenly runs to the Drones, who play a trumpeting welcome.

Everyone tuirns to the door.

"The Borg Queen has arrived!" I comment gloomily.

To be continued......

TWQ: Workplace Oddities

This week, TWQ (the Weekend Question) asks about anyt uunusual things that have happened in the place where you work, or used to work that stood out from the regular tedium.

Can you name any unusual incidents that took place in your workplace, or if you you are retired, where you used to work?

My answers are:

Only last week, a man in my office, who had been drinking, went berserk, damaged his monitor and computer, had to be restrained until security came. He was promptly fired and the police came, who arrested him for damage.

I used to know an anti-nuclear missile girl who would hide under her desk every so often. Maybe she thought it would protect bher when the Bomb dropped?

On one of my birthdays, my parents arranged with the boss for a girl in skimpy outfit and stockings to come and sing 'Happy Birthday.'

Now it's over to you.....

Beverly The Elf

Guest Poster: Beverly Crusher

This year, I've been selected as the Elf to assist Jean-Luc, who will be dressing up as Santya Claus as the children visit him in his Grotto. I am wearing a tini green mini dress with green stockings.

Jean-Luc is sitting on the chair, waiting to welcome the children in.

"Are you ready, Jean-Luc."

"Yes, Bev." he answers, and looks at me, "I must say, you look very attractive in that outfit. Perhaps you want to keep it and wear it when we have dinner in our quarters tonight?"

We laugh, and kiss, then I go and fetch the first child.

"Ho, ho, ho!" Jean-Luc says, "Who are you and what do YOU want, little boy?"

"I'm George." he says quickly, "Do this is the way it's gonna work. I saw you kissing that elf. Can't say I blame you, though, she's a good looking one. Anyway, Santa, send me everything on this list and I won't say anything about what you got up to with the elf. If there's one thing missing, the news will be on it's way to Starfleet."

George promptly walks off with a satisfied smile.

"That was amazing!" I exclaim.



"Yes." Jean-Luc replies, "He'll probably be an Admiral before he is 25."

The next child comes in, a young girl called Miriam.

"Hello, Miriam." says Jean-Luc, "I'm Santa Claus. What do you want for Christmas."

"I want to be married and have lots of children!" she exclaims.

"But you're only six." Jean-Luc tells her, "Wouldn't you rather have some dollies like a Barbie Starfleet Officer or a dolls house?

"That's for children!" sneers Miriam, "I'm six and am nearly a grown woman."

Miriam gets up and reminds Jean-Luc that she expects Santa to deliver a gold wedding ring.

"That girl is growing up way too fast!" I comment.

"True enough." he answers, "She and George would probably go well together."



Jean-Luc continues seeing children, some of whom are sick over his outfit. Fortunately I am on hand with special elf tissue to rub it all..

"How many more, Bev?" Jean-Luc asks me, clearly exhausted.

"Just the one." I tell him.

A sweet little girl named Wendy comes in, looking very angelic.

"What do you want for Christmas, Wendy?" asks Jean-Luc.

"I want a doctor's medical instruction book, plus the Starfleet proceedure of recruitment." Wendy starts,"Plus the advanced guide to understanding the medical knowhow of all the races in Starfleet."

After running through all the medical equipment she will need for studying, sher says "Thank you, Santa." and skips off.

"Why did Wendy not say she wanted my job?" I sarcastically say, "It would have been a lot easier!"

"Well that's it for another year!" Jean-Luc says as he tries to pull off his beard, forgetting he added extra-string glue on!

Christmas Party Planning

"Now then, everyone." I say to my assembled senior staff in the Ready Room, "How will we be sorting out the Christmas Party this year?"

Immediately, there is a a hubbub, as all have varying opinions as to how it should be carried out, usually to suit themselves. Worf puts the point that it ought to be held on the Klingon homeworld.

"I can't see that as practical, Mr Worf." I reply, "The Klingons are not exactly known for their Christmas charm and hospitality."



"I believe they are, Captain ." he replies, "Every year, all Klingon children are given a new bat'leth so they can fight with their friends. If they are not bleeding at the end of the day, then they have failed their parents by not fighting."

I sigh at hearing this, and try and move on.

"Now, do we have any other suiggestions..." I ask

"How about at the Pink Klingon at the Starfleet Mall?" Ensign Britney suggests, "T'Pol and I always go there. The two women who manage it, Amanda and Annette let anything happen there. We were only there last week, and these two...."



"I think we want a degree of control, Britney." Bev says to her, "I know it's a Christmas party, but we don't want things to get out of hand, do we?"

 "Unlike last year." Deanna comments.

"Nor the year before..." Riker adds.

"Nor the year before." Geordi says.

"All right!" I tell them, "I think we know what it's been like."

Seven of Nine stands up and bangs her hand on the table.



"The matter has been decided." Seven tells us firmly.

"What do you mean?" Riker asks her puzzlingly.

"The Borg Queen has informed me that she shall be attending the Enterprise Christmas Party, and our resident group The Strolling Bones will be attending to provide the music."

There is a universal groan around the table, as if all the replicators on the ship have broken down and there is no food on the ship.

"Very well." I grudgingly say, "You can tell the Queen that she is invited along with the band on to the Enterprise.."

"They would have come anyway." Seven starchily informs me, then turns to Britney, "Ensign, what is this Pink Klingon that you speak of?"



"Err." stammers Britney, with T'Pol giggling next to her, "It's a bar and dance club where err... those who go don't have to go with anyone of a different sex. In fact, they prefer when you go with someone of the same sex."

"Intruiging." surmises Seven, "I have decided that the Enterprise Christmas Party shall be held there."

"What!" cries out, Jennifer, "We don't want to go there!"

"Protesting is irrelevant!" Seven replies, "I shall recommend it to the Borg Queen for . You would not wish to incur the Borg's wrath, would you, Captain?"

I agree, and notice that Britney and T'Pol are laughing.

"Don't worry, Captain." T'Pol says., "Amanda and Annette will give us a good discount for the party. You won't have to dance with Commander Riker, either. The Pink Klingon DO permit men and women to dance together as well!"

It s all going to end in disaster!

TWQ: Desktop

Apologies for being aweay thje last week. A trip to London, plus cards to write, presents to buy made uit all very cramped.

TWQ (the Weekend Question) is looking right at your computer screen and asking what picture (or pictures) you have on your Desktop.

What images do you have on your computer desktop? Do you have a screensaver?

My answers are:

As I have a new large 1920 x 1080 screen, good ones are hard to find. I do have:

Helena Bonham Carter as The Red Queen and one of her as Bellatrix (from the Potter movie)

I also have two pictures of Nicole Kidman.


Three Battlestar Galactica images, including the Last Supper re-enactment

The Lost Last Supper re-enactment

The screensavers have a variety of fantasy pictures.

Now it's over to you....

A Message To Seven

Guest Poster:The Borg Queen

Greetings, Seven Of Nine, Tertiary Adjunct of Unimatrix Zero-One,


That was a mouthful, wasn't it?  I think that I'll stick to Seven from now on. Anyway, how are you? I rarely get a chance to send my favourite drone a message. You wouldn't believe how busy I've been. Just lately, we've been assimilating none stop. We found this densely popoulated star system last week, and ever sive then, they've been going in and out the Assimilatiuon Chamber like a revolving door!


I'm still on the hunt for those drones who can escape into the computer world of Unimatrix Zero and become  their former selves. It's against the whole ethos of Borg belief. It was fortunate that my suspicions of you being one were unfounded. I wouldn't have liked your spare parts to be used to make a new drone up. It just would have been the same thing.


Now on to the main reason I'm sending this message. The Enterprise will be having it's Christmas Party soon, and I want to make sure I'm there. Yes, I know I can lean on them a little, but I'd like to think the Captain would want me there, especially when the smoochy numbers start. I'll even lend them our resident greoup The Strolling Drones. I love to see the Captain dressed for Christmas!



The redhead is always a problem, of course. She is like a forcefield around the Captain and makes sure that no one goes near him who is female with romantic inclinations. Hopefully a few glasses of Klingon Bloodwine will loosen her willpower, and I'll be on the floor with Jean-Luc when Strangers In The Night starts, or perhaps even earlier when we do the Conga, the Time Warp and YMCA starts off. It would be such a laugh to see the redhead crashed out under one of the tables after falling off a barstool, blotto, while I have a good time with her man.



Well that's all for now, Seven. Tell Jean-Luc in your usual friendly manner that The Strolling Bones will be playing at the Party, and I'll be there to liven things up. Secretly, I'm sure he'll be delighted.


I'll have to go now. My bedroom in the Cube is being redecorated, and I want to make sure it's done the right way. I had to terminate the decorator who did it last time with little pink rabbits.


With All Good Wishes,


The Borg Queen

---------------------

Author's Note:


Apologies for there being only one feature this week. Christmas wrapping and the fact that I'll be off to London this week for two days has squashed time right up!

TWQ: Five TV Characters To Meet

TWQ (the Weekend Question) asks which five TV characters you would like to meet.

Which five TV characters would you like to meet in real life?

My answers are:

* Kara Thrace (AKA Starbuck in Battlestar Galactica)

* Nikita (Nikita)

* Jack Bauer (24)

* Caprica Six (Battlestar Galactica)

* Kathryn Janeway (Voyager)

Now it's over to you....

Jean-Luc And Natalia (Part Four)

With Starbase VI almost within sensor range, I will be able to breathe a sigh of relief as we drop off the man-hungry Natalia. Though she is married, and Ensign Britney's mother, she believes in 'open' relationships, so she and her husband Yul go off and seek 'other interests'. Natalia clearly has her sights set on mt, but Bev and Britney have been able to prevent any problems happening.

------------

Ambassador Natalia and I are on the Bridge, as we see Starbase VI drawing dear.



"We shall be docking with Starbase VI in one hour." Data informs us with his usual I-speak-your-weight-machine tone. He would have had a good second career as the voice of them.

"It's been a delight seeing my daughter and you, Jean-Luc." Natalia breezily replies, I'd better head down to the beam-off point. Britney has collected all my items and will be waiting for me."

"In that case, Natalia." I say in my best diplomatic voice, "I'll escort you down to the Trtansporter Room."

We get in the TurboLift and order it to go to Deck 10. Only then do I realise what I've done.

"Halt TurboLift!" Natalia shouts out, and turs to me, "Now, Captain, I believe we have some unfinished business..."

Despite me commanding the lift to move, it refuses to answer my orders.

"I know a little about electronics." explains Natalia, "I had the voice codes for the Turbolifts altered so that my voice overrides the commands of all the others. Now then, Jean-Luc. There are no red headed doctors or bald daughters who try to stop us getting together..."

"I don't think that's wise, Natalia.." I try to say...



"Jean-Luc." she says seductively, "I'm a woman with needs. Us Deltan women are well known for our love of passionate pursuits. I have the ability to seduce anyone. Just fifteen minutes in this lift with me and you will forget Beverly Crusher ever existed..."

Natalia starts to unzip her suit, as I find myself more and more hypnotised by her exotic beauty....

Suddenly the lift starts moving, to Natalia's surprise, and we arrive at Deck 10. Beverly is there, waiting for us. She smiles at me, and Natalia huffily marches Bev to the Transporter Room..

"What hasppened, Beverly?" I ask.,

"Luckily I know a lot more about Enterprise technology than she does", Bev tells me, "I programmed my voice to supersede Natalia's voice, should it appear, after a few moments."

"I think you saved me there,." I confess, "Natalia has some hypnotic technique.."

"I've heard about it." she tells, "Perhaps you ought to be wearing dark glasses if she ever appears again."

Jean-Luc And Natalia (Part Three)

Guest Poster: Ensign Britney

Now that Captain Picard has been recued from the attentions of my overly-amorous mother Natalia, she, my girlfriend T'Pol and I are heading for a drink at Ten Forward before we arrive at the Starbase to drop my mother off.

-------

Guinan serves us the three drinks that we ask for, and we start to chat.

"Mother." I say, "You must really stop being so forward with Captain Picard. He has Doctor Crusher, and you are married to my father!"



My mother takes a drink and laughs, obviously aware that all the male crewmembers in Ten Forward are stealing glances of her endless legs and short white minidress.

"I must say, Britney." my mother chuckles, "For a rebel daughter and a Deltan, you are remarkably strait-laced. I would have thought you would be like me, having a very open relationship with my husband, but free to explore 'other' options whenever possible."



"It's not like that with me and T'Pol." I say firmly, "We've always been in love and hope to get married sometime."

"Oh really?" my mother says, "Well that will be the first monogamous relationship that has occurred involving a Deltan. I remember when me and your father Yul went to a Party. We picked names out of a hat and then....."

"Mother!" ?I shout, "You're embarrassing T'Pol!"



I see the red-faced image of my sweetie sitting next to me.

"It's okay, Brit." she says, "No matter how unusual Deltans are in their behaviour, I know that you and I are together for keeps."

We kiss, and my mother smiles.

"Well that's all right then." says my mom. Then she gets up,  "I really must get along. I can see that the Starbase is almost here. I'll want to say goodbye to all...especially Jean-Luc."

My mother winks at us and goes out of Ten Forward.

"Come on, sweet sistah." I quickly say, "One opportunity, and my mother will have the Captain in her clutches."

To be continued.......

TWQ: Island Accessories

This week, TWQ (the Weekend Question) asks you about what you would want to take to a desert island.

What five items would you want to take along to a desert island? Be as practical or as funny as you wish!

My answers are:

* My favourite books.

* Evangeline Lilly (from Lost)

* A working lavatory

* Food with water

*Walking boots

Now it's over to you....

Jean-Luc And Natalia (Part Two)

Guest Poster: Beverly Crusher

With the arrival of Ambassador Natalia on the Enterprise, things are a little tense. She is Ensign Britney's mother who is attracted to Jean-Luc. Though she is married to Yul, they both believe in 'open' relationships, which is trouble for anyone else. Natalia has already started as soon as she beamed on, by making straight for the Captain and kissing him in front of everyone, including her own daughter!

-----------

"Isn't Ambassador Yul with you, Natalia?" I ask sharply, as soon as Jean-Luc manages to prise himself away from her.

"No, Beverly, he isn't." Natalia answers, "While you are taking me to Starbase VI, he has decided to take his young female secretary Valeria on a trip to the beach planet of Paradiso. I'm sure they will have a lovely time."

She grabs a bewildered Jean-Luc's arm after saying a brief hello to Britney and T'Pol, saying she will chat with them later.

We follow the two of them to the Captain's Ready Room. I am about to enter when Natalia starts to close the door in my face.



"Sorry, Doctor." Natalia says to me, "Jean-Luc and I need to go over some official business. Captain to Ambassador matters, I'm sure you understand."

The door promptly slams shut and all I can think of is Jean-Luc at the mercy of those endless legs, that white mini-dress and a gorgeous body.



"Beverly!" exclaims Britney, as she run up to the door with T'Pol, "You've got to stop it. My mother will try and have her way with....."

"Easy, Brit." T'Pol tells her, "I'm sure Captain Picard will be able to resist your mother's charms."

"What if he can't?" protests Britney, "Mother!!! Put your clothes back on and come out of there!"

------------

Nearly an hour later, Natalia comes out of the Ready Room, and adjusts her dress slightly.

"Wel, that WAS fun, Jean-Luc!" she says to him, "We'll have to do that again sometime. Hello Britney, hello T'Pol. Shall we go for a drink in Ten Forward?"

"Mother!" Britney exclaims, "What have you and Captain Picard been doing in the Ready Room?"

"Just chatting, dear daughter." Natalia laughs, "I pretended to adjust my dress just to tease you all. If I WAS going to seduce Jean-Luc, it would have been in a better place than that cramped Ready Room."

We all laugh at this, including an embarassed Jean-Luc. Natalia comes up to me.

"And I would have succeeded, Beverly." she whispers, "No man can resist me."

"Unless when they have me with them, Natalia." I whisper back, and grab Jean-Luc's arm and take him down the corridor while Natalia, Britney and T'Pol head towards Ten Forward.

To be continued after the TWQ........

Jean-Luc And Natalia (Part One)

I am relaxing in my Ready Room, drinking my Earl Grey, and dunking a chocolate biscuit into it when I get a call on the videoscreen from Admiral Johnson.

"Captain Picard." he starts, "The Enterprise will be expecting a visit from a Federation Ambassador shortly. Please show her the usual starship hospitality and escort her to Starbase VI where she is due to be present at an Ambassadorialk meeting,"

"Certainly, sir." I reply, "Do I know the Ambassador?"

"I believe you do." he answers, "She is Ambassador Natalia from the planet Delta, and the mother of your Ensign Britney."

I choke at this information, and my chocolate biscuit disappears into my Earl Grey.

"Are you all right, Picard?" asks the Admiral, "Your face seems to have gone green."

"Err..I'm fine, sir." I quickly say, "We'll pick her up at the co-ordinates you have relayed."

After I switch the videoviewer off, I call Bev to get in here quickly.



"What is it, Jean-Luc?" Bev asks, "You look like you've found out your Earl Grey was a cheap version."

"It's not that." I answer, "We've got to take Natalia to Starbase VI?"

"Britney's mother?" Bev exclaims, "That man-magnet who tried to seduce you last time you saw her?"

"The very same." I grudgingly admit, "Stay close to me, Bev, otherwise she'll have me pinned against a wall in a lip-lock the first chance she can."

I summon Ensign Britney and her girlfriend T'Pol to tell them who is coming.



"My mother?" Britney says, "You were caugfht in a compromising position with her last time, Captain."

"Britney." I try to answer, "You know that despiute the fact that your mother is married to Ambassador Yul, she believes in a 'live and let live' relationship, so she tried to err...get to know me."

"It's true, sweetie." T'Pol tells her, "Your mother is very much the outgoing type."

"Whatever." Britney answers, "Just don't let her...."

"Don't worry." Bev assures her, "I won't."

-----------

A few hours later, we are at the rendezvous point. We are all in the Transporter Room.

Natalia beams on.



"Ambassador Natalia." I start, "Welcome to...."

"Jean-Luc!" she exclaims, "I have SO been looking forward to seeing you again!"

Without looking at anyone else, including her daughter, she walks up to me and kisses me on the lips.

Britney and Bev both look disgusted. The next few days are going to be tough!

To be continued......

TWQ: Halloween Outfit

It is Halloween weekend and you've been invited to a party! TWQ (the Weekend Question) asks what costume you'll be selecting.

What Halloween outfit would you wear for a party. Choose anything you wish.

My answer is:

If money were no object, I'd choose a French aristrocratic outfit, together with a false head to carry as if I had been had been guillotined!

Now it's over to you......

Will Riker In The Chair (Part Two)

Guest Poster: Ro Laren

With Captain Picard and Beverly Crusher having a fun time at a beachside medical conference, Commander Riker is in the chair. We have some across a small ship of unknown origin. Myself, Worf, Data and Jennifer Baxter haved beamed over to investigate. A force fierld has prevented us from beaming back, and we can all hear an ominous ticking.....

Data comes across a console, and we see a countdown clock with just a few minutes to go.

"It looks like in a few minutes we shall be no more." Data calmly says, "It is fotunate that I have my girlfriend Jenny by my side at this time, though I would rather she be safe."

"It is a good day to die." Worf comments in a typical Klingon manner, "So sad that I will no longer be with my wife Jadzia. How fortunate that we married recently."

"Listen to the pair of you!" Jenny says in exasperation, "You are a right pair of doom-mongers! Let's try and solve this.



Jenny aims her multi-phase disruptor at the device, but nothing happens.

"What's happened, Jen?" I ask, "Have the batteries worn out?"

"It's not battery powered!" Jennifer replies starchily, "It is nuclear powered and cannot run down."

"My tricorder indicates that a high energy field is preventing all weapons from working.



"We have to do something!" Worf shouts irritatingly.

"I agree." Jenny answers, "Data and I were meant to be trying a hot new program in the holodeck tonight."

We alll look in horror as the countdown nears zero,and our lives flash before our eves, or in Data's case, through his circuits.

The clock reaches zero and an voice rings out:

"DON'T FORGET TO TASTE A DELICIOUS GALACTIC ROLL AT MARTY'S DINER. MARTY MAKES THE BEST GALACTIC ROLLS IN THE QUADRANT!!!!  YOUR CAN FIND HIM ON FARSA IV!!!!!"

The voice stops and the forcefield is lifted. We all beam back.

"Are you all right?" asks Riker, "Whatr happened?"

"Set a course for Farsa IV" says Jenny angrilly, "Us four need to wring Marty's neck."

Will Riker In The Chair (Part One)

Guest Poster: Will Riker

I'm in the Captain's chair temporarily, as the Cap and Beverly Crusher have gone to a medical conference together. 

You might well ask why the Cap needs to go to that sort of conference. He usually likes to when Bev goes, as they can enjoy all the freebies and time to themselves. I should think that if anyone were to ask a delegate if they saw Beverly Crusher in the Conference Hall, they wouldn't recall. Serves them right for holding the event where there is beautiful sunshine, beaches and water-skiiing.

Anyway, I'll have to stop going on, otherwise this will seem like a gripe. Alright, it IS a gripe. mThe only good thing is that Deanna and I are running the show for a while. No tiresome "Make it so, Number One." comments.

I hope we see a little action, though. Not that I want an invasion, or anything like that, but solving a problem always looks good.

"Ship on our sensors, Commander Riker." Data tells me.



Deanna puts down her chocolate fudge sundae and looks concerned.

"What do you think?" I ask her.

"The sundae was delicious." she replies with a smile.

"Not that!" I say in an asnnoyed voice, "I meant the ship ahead."

"Oh, that." she answers, "I'm a little concerned as I can't detect anything."



"It's true." Ro says as she looks up from her console. "There are no lifesigns on board the ship. It is an unknown class."

"I suggest we use some photon torpedoes and blow it out of existance." Jennifer Baxter comments.

"Ensign." I reply, "We've come a long way from the James T Kirk time of destroying everything we approach. Let's send an Away Team to look at it."

A few moments later, Worf, Data, Jennifer Baxter and Ro Laren are aboard the ship.

"Do you see anything?" I ask.

"Nothing in particular, Commander." Data replies, "But my android ears have heard a ticking, and a forcefield is preventing us beaming out again."

Suddenly I wish my time in the Captain's chair was a lot quieter than this!

To be continued.......