Star Trip (Part Three)

Guest Poster: Data

Having been invited with Captain Picard and my friend Geordi to the set where the pilot for the new television science fiction series 'Star Trip' is being made by the director Steven Spolberg, I now find myself in the series myself.

As Ronnie the robot, who was in the series to get younger citizens to view has accidentally blown up, the makers required an artificial life form at short notice. Mr Spolberg has asked me to replace him.

I am approached by Rick Ruddock, the actor who plays Captain Jack Jupiter of the USS Pegasus in the series. He has a strange habit of looking at himself in a mirror whenever possible.

"Okay!" he says to me somewhat aggressively, "You remember that I'm the star of this show. I've got the best lines. Don't try to get any extra ad libs, or that tin can body will be used as baked bean cans. Catch what I am saying."

"I have no wish to impose on your lines, Mr Ruddock." I reply, "I was just asked as a favour to Mr Spolberg."

"Yeah." he says, "Well don't forget it, and don't try to cramp my style when I get to the kissing sessions with J'Laya, who plays the Princess."

"All right, everybody." Spolberg says, we are going to beam the Princess on board, where she will meet Jack Jupiter...that's you, Rick, and naturally will fall in love with you."

"Of course." says Ruddock.

"ACTION!" shouts Spolberg.

Princess Amala, played by J'Laya appears on the set.



"Welcome to the Pegasus, Princess Amala." Ruddock tells her in his Captain Jupiter role.

"I feel a kind of sense I haven't felt before." she replies.

"That is love." Ruddock tells her.

"What is love?" J'Laya asks.

"It is a biological function. I'll escort you to my cabin and give you a demonstration."

"HOLD ON!" interrupts Captain Picard, "This is clearly in violation of any protocols. No Captain would take advantage of an innocent female alien in this way."

I consider reminding the Captain of the style James T Kirk had, but think it wise not to say anything.

"It's more of what the viewers want, Captain." Spolberg tells the Captain, "Lots of romance, violence, flesh and funny robots."

"I agree with Captain Picard." I say, "It is against present Starfleet policy for a Captain to behave in this manner. Viewers may think this is the normal way things are in the Federation."

"I don't want a tin can telling me how to act with a woman!" Ruddock complains, "Jack Jupiter is there to make all females swoon."

"Well you don't make ME swoon." J'Laya says with a sarcastic laugh, "I only took this job because Spolberg pleaded me to, "That breath of yours needs improving!"

Ruddock looks astonished. He takes a look in his mirror and looks concerned.

"Now see what you've done!" he says to me, "I've got a few hairs out of place. I can't be seen like this!"

He runs off the set in tears.

All the film crew are left on their own, as the actors have wondered off.



Captain Picard and Geordi join me as Spolberg approaches us.

"Now see what you've done!" the director exclaims, "You were only supposed to act as advisors, but now the whole pilot show is ruined! The actors have stormed off and won't work together. Star Trip is in ruins!"

Spolberg walk off in disgust. Captain Piacard turns to me.

"Well, Mr Data." he says, "It looks like your television career is over, and no Data Dolls will be sold. We'd better head back to the Enterprise.

"I find actors very hard to understand, Captain." I tell him, "They seem to think very differently."

"I think you have to have your emotion chip installed, Data." Geordi tells me, "And have the tuning set to extremely high."