Starfleet have sent a reporter to the Enterprise. It's another one of those attempts in which they want us to get to know the people.
Sigh. Why us?
A figure beams on board; he has wearing a 20th Century outfit on, with a trilby hat that has the label 'PRESS' sticking out of it.
"Hi!" he says eagerly, "I'm Hal Wallace from the Federation Gazette. I'm here to do a report on your great space ship."
"It's a starship." I correct him, "You seem to be dressed in a rather unusual manner."
"Whatever" he carries on, "We reporters tend to dress like this to maintain the traditions of our ancestors. We're a very old fashioned paper, although we are thinking of having computers next year."
"Really?" I say.
"Yeah" he replies, "You can't beat the good old pad and pencil, though."
"What do you want to ask me about." I inquire.
"Well, the Enterprise is a very important flagship for the Federation" he says, "Our readers will want to know all about where it's been etc. Plus, Captain..."
He whispers to me.
"...any scandal that's been going on. It's the juicy gossip that sells the papers, you know."
"I'm not going to tell you anything like that." I say indignantly, "This is a respectable starship, that sort of thing doesn't happen here."
"Of course it doesn't, Captain Picard." he says in a sarcastic manner, "Don't worry, I'll get the info from the other crew members."
"Hey, bud!" exclaims Wallace, "Got the lowdown on the action around here?"
"What are you talking about?" replies Worf, "The Universal Translator does not seem to be functioning."
"Get real, Mr Klingon" he continues, "What juicy scandals are going around in this Starship? I should imagine there are quite a few."
Worf starts to look as if steam is coming out of his ears.
"If shall escort you off the ship immediately." says Worf.
"Sorry, Mr Worf" I tell him, "We are under orders to let Mr Wallace see the ship so that he can do a story about it."
"Thanks Captain" says Wallace.
"But there will be no scandal searching." I tell him, "You will just report on the ship and how we work during the day."
Wallace seems depressed, but reluctantly agrees.
I take him down the corridors, with Worf following, in case something happens.
Jadzia shows up.
"Hi Worfie." she says, "All right for our date tonight?"
Worf blushes, but says everything is all right. Wallace's eyes and ears light up and he is writing feverishly in his book.
Geordi and Trisha walk by, they are holding hands. He tells me he has swapped shifts with Lieutenant Fox so that Trisha and Geordi can go on a double date with Data and Jennifer Baxter.
Wallace can't believe it, and continues to write.
Commander Riker and Deanna are kissing in an alcove; I have to cough discreetly in order that they notice and separate.
As I get near to the Bridge, Beverly comes towards me.
"Which program are we having for our holodeck date tomorrow evening, Jean-Luc?" she asks, "Will it be the twin sunset of Kyana or the Waterfalls of Bayed?"
I go red a little, but tell her the former.
"Thanks, Jean-Luc" she says, "See you there."
Wallace writes away in as if there is no tomorrow.
"Now, Mr Wallace" I tell him, "You will now see what happens on the Enterprise."
"I've got a pretty good idea already, bud." he replies, "My book is full right now; I'll have to get back to my editor. He'll be eager to see what I've written."
I wonder what he could have wrote; after all, he never saw anything about life on the Enterprise at all."