Thursday, July 06, 2006

Interview For The Press

Starfleet have sent a reporter to the Enterprise. It's another one of those attempts in which they want us to get to know the people.

Sigh. Why us?

A figure beams on board; he has wearing a 20th Century outfit on, with a trilby hat that has the label 'PRESS' sticking out of it.

"Hi!" he says eagerly, "I'm Hal Wallace from the Federation Gazette. I'm here to do a report on your great space ship."

"It's a starship." I correct him, "You seem to be dressed in a rather unusual manner."

"Whatever" he carries on, "We reporters tend to dress like this to maintain the traditions of our ancestors. We're a very old fashioned paper, although we are thinking of having computers next year."

"Really?" I say.

"Yeah" he replies, "You can't beat the good old pad and pencil, though."

"What do you want to ask me about." I inquire.

"Well, the Enterprise is a very important flagship for the Federation" he says, "Our readers will want to know all about where it's been etc. Plus, Captain..."

He whispers to me.

"...any scandal that's been going on. It's the juicy gossip that sells the papers, you know."

"I'm not going to tell you anything like that." I say indignantly, "This is a respectable starship, that sort of thing doesn't happen here."

"Of course it doesn't, Captain Picard." he says in a sarcastic manner, "Don't worry, I'll get the info from the other crew members."

Worf approaches.

"Hey, bud!" exclaims Wallace, "Got the lowdown on the action around here?"

"What are you talking about?" replies Worf, "The Universal Translator does not seem to be functioning."

"Get real, Mr Klingon" he continues, "What juicy scandals are going around in this Starship? I should imagine there are quite a few."

Worf starts to look as if steam is coming out of his ears.

"If shall escort you off the ship immediately." says Worf.

"Sorry, Mr Worf" I tell him, "We are under orders to let Mr Wallace see the ship so that he can do a story about it."

"Thanks Captain" says Wallace.

"But there will be no scandal searching." I tell him, "You will just report on the ship and how we work during the day."

Wallace seems depressed, but reluctantly agrees.

I take him down the corridors, with Worf following, in case something happens.

Jadzia shows up.

"Hi Worfie." she says, "All right for our date tonight?"

Worf blushes, but says everything is all right. Wallace's eyes and ears light up and he is writing feverishly in his book.

Geordi and Trisha walk by, they are holding hands. He tells me he has swapped shifts with Lieutenant Fox so that Trisha and Geordi can go on a double date with Data and Jennifer Baxter.

Wallace can't believe it, and continues to write.

Commander Riker and Deanna are kissing in an alcove; I have to cough discreetly in order that they notice and separate.

As I get near to the Bridge, Beverly comes towards me.

"Which program are we having for our holodeck date tomorrow evening, Jean-Luc?" she asks, "Will it be the twin sunset of Kyana or the Waterfalls of Bayed?"

I go red a little, but tell her the former.

"Thanks, Jean-Luc" she says, "See you there."

Wallace writes away in as if there is no tomorrow.

"Now, Mr Wallace" I tell him, "You will now see what happens on the Enterprise."

"I've got a pretty good idea already, bud." he replies, "My book is full right now; I'll have to get back to my editor. He'll be eager to see what I've written."

I wonder what he could have wrote; after all, he never saw anything about life on the Enterprise at all."


Merlyn Gabriel said...

Oh oh.... that sounds bad... gossip columnists are THE WORST...

What ever you do DO not let him take any pictures of anything....


ps did he say when this issue was coming out???

Osquer said...

Wow! It's all go on the Enterprise! I would like to put in for a transfer to any Enterprise alcove!

heather said...

hehe. i wish i had a subscription to the gazette!

Ciera said...

I could interview you......

Professor Xavier said...

I've got a bad feeling about this.

Raehan said...

i would have chosen the waterfall.

Paperback Writer said...

Word. I also have a bad feeling about this...Perhaps you should have let Worf "escort" him off the ship.

A Army Of (Cl)One said...

What paper did he say he was with? The Galactic Inquire, Federation Tabloid, the New York Post?

Meow said...

Just popping in to say hi, and hope your week has been a good one. Almost the weekend ... yay !!
Take care, Meow

Florence said...


Who's nephew did Hal have to be to get his 20th century-anchronistic-loving self on board! Shove him out the nearest air lock. Death by misadventure - a much better story too.

no_average_girl said...

I can't wait to hear about this report!!

Susan said...

Great gt gt gt etc, grandson of Rita Skeeter then?

Jean-Luc Picard said...

I'm a little worried what the headline of the Federation Gazette will be about.

I think you all want a subscription to it!

Florence, your solution sounded a good one.

Ciera, you would be a better reporter than Hal Wallace.

Miss Cow is a Cow said...

Here via Michele's.

I'll come interview you, if it means a trip on the Enterprise.

Carmi said...

He gives journalists everywhere a bad name. Like many of your commenters today, I have a huge disdain for gossip writers.

Now if I were the one on board, I'd take a very different approach to reporting. I'd observe and capture, very much in the new journalism tradition.

Sigh...I love writing.

Shephard said...

an honor to be visited by my favorite Starfleet Captain.
(from Michele)

Chi said...

I think life on the Starship would be much more entertaining & exciting than any gossip scoop. *s*

Prego said...

Where'd you land? Peyton Place or Dallas?

Here via Michele, today.


Me said...

Wow, I never knew life on the starship was so exciting. I can see the headlines now "Hot couples roam wild on the LOVE Ship Enterprise"!

Jean-Luc Picard said...

Prego, did Costance McKenzie shoot JR in Peyton Place/Dallas?

Kelly, it sounds you have the makings of a good tabloid reporter.

Nic said...

Oh, I'm sure that he DID get a good idea of just what goes on on the Enterprise apart from the work.

Susan said...

Kirstin shot JR in Dallas, and she was not a journalist.
(showing my age here!)

A Army Of (Cl)One said...

I thought she shot him in the chest. But what do I know

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