The Stalker (Part Five)

Things are looking pretty bleak right now.

I've been kidnapped by the redheaded stalker Valerie, who is so obsessed with me, she is taking us to the Elvis Galactic Chapel on Vegas VII to be married. Naturally, I have no say in the matter. I just hope those in the Enterprise can find some way of tracking me down.

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As we land on Vegas VII, Valerie turns to me.

"Get your groom's outfit on, Jean-Luc." she tells me, "The minister is waiting for us. I'll put my wedding dress on on now. Aren't you excited! Soon we'll be husband and wife!"

She goes happily into the other roon. Reluctantly I put my outfit on while still behind the forcefield. I know that Valerie is so warped she could easily disintegrate me with one of her weapons.

Talk about a shotgun wedding!

Valerie comes out again.



"Isn't this simply ravishing!" gushes Valerie, "I love this dress, and you look so masculine in your outfit. We'll make a perfect couple."

While I do concede she has chosen a good dress, I still don't marry this crazy lady.

The two of us leave her ship, Valerie carrying a bridal bouquet, plus a small disintegrator in case I do anything out of line.

We see the Elvis Galactic Chapel in the distance.

"Let's go and meet the minister." Valerie tells me as she pushes me along. We go through the doors, wehich are festooned with images of an Elvis lookalike marrying off couples.

"Hello, minister!" Valerie cheerily says.



"You look a mighty fine cute couple."  the minister tells us, "You can call me Elvis."

"Sure, Elvis." Valerie giggles.

"Let's get the ceremony underway." says Elvis, "The winesses and the band are right this way."

A few moments later, Valerie and I are standing in front of the altar.

"Ladies and gentleman." announces Elvis, "We are here to witness the wedding of Valerie To Jean-Luc Picard."

He then lapses into song, and sings I Can't Help Fallng In Love With You.

Wise men say

Only fools rush in
But I can't help falling in love with you


Wise men say
Only fools rush in
But I can't help falling in love with you


Shall I stay
Would it be a sin?
That I can't help falling in love with you


As a river flows gently to the sea
Darling So it goes
Some things were meant to be

Take My hand
Take my whole life too
For I can't Help falling in love with you

As a river flows gently to the sea
Darlin So it goes
Some things are meant to be

Take Myyyyy hand
Take my whole life too
For I can't Help falling in love with you


For I can't help falling in love With you
For I can't help Falling in love with you
For I can't help falling in love With you
For I can't help Falling in love with you.

"Quit the singing and get on with the marriage ceremony, Elvis!" shouts Valerie.
 
"But I've got a dozen songs to do." Elvis protests.
 
"Well can them!" she orders, then looks to me, "I can't wait for our wedding night, darling. It'll be in a few short hours."
 
Personally, I'd rather Elvis had gone through a few more songs!
 
To be continued...

TWQ: Gadgets We Miss

This week, TWQ (the Weekend Question) asks about certain inventions and gadgets that are no longer around, but we wish they were, as they may have been overtaken by so-called better technology.

What gadgets or items of the past do you wish were still in common existence. List as many as you wish.

My answers are:

* Vinyl records
* Classic sports cars
* VCRs....I have many classic programmes recorded on them.
* British red telephone boxes

Now it's over to you...

The Stalker (Part Four)

Editor's Note:

Captain Picard has been abducted by Valerie, a stalker who is obsessed with him, and is determined to marry Picard at the Elvis Galactic Chapel. Valerie managed to elude the securtity forces when Picard went to reason with her, but she beamed off with him instead.




Guest Poster: Beverly Crusher

"Where did the Captain go, Worf?" I find myself angrily saying to our Chief of Security, "You let him get beamed off to who-knows-where with that awful woman."

"I don't think he is in any danger, Doctor." Worf quietly tells me, "As she is obsessed by him, and thinks she is in love with the Captain, he will not be harmed."

"And THAT'S supposed to make me feel better?" I say sarcastically.

Deanna and Will come in to calm me down.



"Take a sedative, Beverly." urges Deanna, "The Enterprise crew are doing everything they can to locate the matterstream that might have been used to take Valerie and the Captain. Just relax for now."

"Would you be saying that if a red-haired woman who was mad and looked like Aphrodite had kidnapped your Will Riker?" I ask.

Deanna pauses, and for once, can't think of an answer.

Britney comes in, along with T'Pol.



"I was so near." Britney growls, as she carres he umbrella in with her. T'Pol is comforting her.

"I swung my umbrella right at that woman." Britney continues, "As it was about to make contact, she beamed away with the Captain. Wait until I see her again. My umbrella is itching to whack that Valerie."

"So am I." I say to myself, "When I do, there will one less redhead in the universe."

Data comes in.

"I may have found something." he says, "The galactic news sensors have picked up an interesting article."

We all go to see it printed on the screen, under WEDDING BANNS.

'The wedding of Valerie to Captain Jean-Luc Picard is due to take place at the Elvis Galactic Chapel on Vegas VII. Please note the ceremony is closed to guests.'

"I can't believe it."

"He's been forced into it." Deanna assures me.



"Warp Nine to Vegas VII" Will says quickly, "This wedding is going to get some unexpected guests!"

To be continued after the TWQ....

The Stalker (Part Three)

I've been kidnapped by a mad woman named Valerie, who is obsessed about me.

We decided to meet in a cafe so I could perhaps reason with her, but despite Worf's security forces, Jennifer's multiphase disruptor and Britney's umbrella, she quickly held my hand, typed a series if numbers into her bracelet, which made the two of us beam out and reappear somewhere else.

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While I am still somewhat dazed, evidentally from the effects of the drink, Valerie quickly puts me in the rear of her little cargo ship and switches the force field on.

Like any idiot who has to see if a 'wet paint' sign is still relevant, I test the force field and for my trouble, I get a massive electrical shock, which shoots me back.

"Don't touch the force field, my love." calls out Valerie, who tells me she is just setting the ship on auto pilot, and will be with me shortly.

I suddenly notice nearby a suit.



"What's this suit for, Valerie?"

She walks in and looks at it. "I would have thought that was obvious, my darling." she says, "I made a lot of enquiries as to your size, and know that it fits you."

"But's it's a groom's outfit!" I protest.



"Of course it is, sweetheart." Valerie tells me, "I have my wedding dress hidden away on the ship. Naturally, I can't let you see it until the ceremony, which will be very soon. You know how unlucky it is for a groom to see a bride's dress before."

Right now it seems like I'm not having a lot of luck.

"But, Valerie." I protest, "We can't get married. I don't love you."

"Well then you'll have to LEARN to love me!" she says angrily, "If you try and get away, I'll kill you."

So much for the loving bride!

"It won't be long." she continues, "The banns were announced at the Elvis Galactic Chapel, which is where we are heading right now."

Valerie skips off, trilling Here comes the bride, while I look like I've got my last hours of freedom.

To be continued......

TWQ: Heatwave Activities

As there is a heatwave going on in Britain right now, TWQ (the Weekend Question) asks you what you do on these occasions.

What do you do when you have a heatwave at home? List as many as you wish.

My answers are:

* Close the curtains

* Stay indoors as much as possible

* Drink cool drinks

* Sweat a lot at the office as the air conditioner there is useless.

As you may have guessed, I don't like hot weather too much when at home.

Now it's over to you...

The Stalker (Part Two)

I'm being stalked.

Firstly I had an innocent-looking message on the computer from a striking-looking  young woman named Valerie, saying she wanted to meet me for company. I let her down gently, saying that I was with Bev. This produced a furious reaction from her, saying she demanded to meet me at the Cafe Del Quatro on  Hacylon VI or there would be trouble.

I have decided to go down.

------------



"I would advise against this, Captain." Worf advises me, "There is no telling what this young woman may be capable of."

"I agree, Mr Worf." I reply, "It is essential that we meet her and stop her in case she fastens on to another target in the future. You will have your entire security force there. Ensign Jennifer Baxter will have her multiphase distorter with her, and Ensign Britney will have her unbrella."

"Very well." the Enterprise Security Officer concedes, "We shall all be watching the Cafe closely."

-----------------



A few hours later, I am sitting outside the Cafe Del Quatro enjoying the sun. Many of the passers-by are Enterprise crew who are there to make sure everything goes well. I am about to arder another Tyrolean brandy, when I hear a voice behind me.



"Hello darling." Valerie says softly, "I'm so glad you came.As soon as I saw you were coming, I switched off the missile aimed at this planet."

I go pale at this, as if I have been invited to a Conference to speak at Starfleet Headquarters. Valerie leans over and kisses my cheek.

The security forces move forward, but I use my hand to gesture them away. I want to find more about Valerie.

"Now...errr...Valerie." I start, "You can't go around blowing up planets. Why do you want to meet me?"

"Because I've always loved you, Jean-Luc!" Valerie replies angrily, "Don't you love me? I know you like redheads. Look at my body..."

I admit to myself that she is gorgeous, and beautiful...but I'm in love with Bev, and Valerie's elevator doesn't go to the top floor, is not playing with a full deck,  six bricks short of a full load....

You get the idea...

Valerie holds my hand.

"Darling." she says to me lovingly, "It's time for us to leave, come on."

"Valerie." I answer quickly, "I'm sorry, but..."

As she holds my arms firmly, I see that her wrist has a band round it. Valie flips it open and dials a sequence of numbers. This spells trouble, and I look desperately towards nearby security staff, who are rushing to me.

Too late, as I feel both Valerie and I dematerialise and reappear elsewhere.

To be continued after TWQ..... 

The Stalker (Part One)

I'm just coming back into my quarters after my shift when I hear the familiar 'peep' of an incoming message from my computer.

Don't these people know when not to call? Perhaps I ought to put it on pending?

I decide to answer it, just in case it's an urgent message saying the earth is under attack. I'd get in trouble from the top brass if I went straight to bed and the human race was being enslaved or destroyed.

Switching it on, up pops a picture....



Underneath, the message reads:

Hi Jean-Luc!

I am a 28 year old redhead who is single. When I saw your picture recently, I was instantly attracted. Powerful bald men really lure me. I love archaeology and earl grey tea, just as you do. Could you e mail me with a place where the two of us could meet and enjoy each other's company?

Yours forever,

Valerie

What do I do now? She's a gorgeous redhead, wearing a spectacular outfit. I'll have to let Valerie down gently. Bev is my girl.

Time to write a reply.

Dear Valerie,

Thank you for your most flattering message. It was really kind of you to say that. However, right now, I am attached to another woman. I'm sure you will have no hesitation in finding another who will be very lucky to have you.

Kind wishes,

Jean-Luc Picard.

Thie message goes off. It is kind of flattering to get fan messages from others.

Peep!

Another message already!

Jean-Luc,

I WANT YOU!!

No redhead like that Beverly Crusher is going to take you away from me. Now you and I will meet at the Cafe Del Quatro on the planet Hacylon VI. I know the Enterprise is going there tomorrow.

Show up or you will suffer big time.

Valerie

Ooops. I think there is a problem here. I summon Riker, Bev and Deanna and let them see the messages. All of them think quietly.



"You've got a real nutjob here, Captain." Riker says.

"Will!" Deanna answers, "She's just confused."

"She sounds dangerous to me, Jean-Luc." Bev comments, "You can't go."

"You may have to," Deanna says, "She could be unstable and we need to get her before she does any harm to herself or to another."

"...And I'm the one thrown in!" I drily say to myself.

To be continued...

TWQ: Instant Activities

TWQ (the Weekend Question) asks you what rather tiresome activities would take a lot less time.

Which activities do you wish could be done in an instant? List as many as you wish.

My answers are:

* Getting up in a morning

* A working day

* Travelling to and from the office

* All the long delays and procedure at an airport both getting on and coming off a plane

* Cleaning house and garden

Now it's over to you...