Friday, April 30, 2010

Fifth Blogaversary!

Are the doors closed?

Good, I can begin recording this important milestone. 

I can hardly believe that I've been telling the tales of what happens on the Enterprise for five while years now, Do you realise that's the same length of time as James Tiberius Kirk was given to explore strange new worlds etc. here's a picture of him:

He's the Captain who managed to get a different girl every week. Some silly woman would innocently ask "What is love?" and he'd promptly show them. Nowadays, anyone doing that would get a sexual harassment charge on their record and be dispatched to the nearest penal colony before being checked to see whether he 'caught something' in his actions.

I'm sorry. I've strayed completely off my train of thought. I'd better begin my speech. I have it written here over several pages, so here it is:

"It was five years ago, on April 30th, when Captain Picard's Journal was born. Firstly it started as small entries, but gradually developed into what you see today. I remember an occasion when..."


"What?" I say suddenly.

"BOR-ING!!" repeats the voice, "You'll have the viewers switching off in droves if you're going to tell drivel like that!"

"Q!" I sigh, "I should have guessed it was you! Go and bother someone else, I've got an impoertant job here."

"I realise that, Mon Capitano." he answers, "You can't possibly do a Fifth Blogaversary speech like that. Don't you recall that when you did the speech at the Admiral's Conference, more than three quarters of them had got out to go to the bar before you were a third of the way through."

Q's right, although I had forgotten about that.

"You don't want all the readers to have moved on to another blog before finishing this one, do you, Jean-Luc?" he asks, "You want them to put a Comment?"

"Of course, but..."

"Make the speech livelier!" Q insists, "Otherise I could do the speech for you, threaten the readers by turning them into Ilvinian Toads if they do not leave a sparkling comment."

"You can't do that, Q!" I protest.

"Of course I can, Jean-Luc."

I sigh.

"Please don't" I ask, "I'm sure they wouldn't appreciate the action."

"All right, Jean-Luc." Q says, "How about if we put this picture of a girl in a bikini on?"


"How about a picture of Beverly Crusher in a bikini?"

"Deinately not!" I say firmly.

"You're hard to please, Mon Capitano." Q says, "I can't stay anyway, as my girlfriend Q have a date. Are you sure about the Ilvinian Toads?"

"Absolutely." I reply.

"And Beverly in the bikini?"

"Even more so,"

"Very well, then. Happy Blogaversary, Jean-Luc."

Q vanishes.

Now where was I in my speech? I look thtough the pages and realise it's too much for the readers to endure.

"I think that will do nicely." I say with a smile.


Editor's Note:

Thanks to all those who have read my blog in the last five years. It's been a pleasure doing them. Look out very soon for the 1000th post in the next couple of weeks.

Monday, April 26, 2010

Picard's Cold

I've got a code.

At least that is what it would sound like if anyone asked me that inane question about why my nose and eyes are all runny and have a nasty cough.

I know what you're thinking, though. Yes, we in the 24th century cured the common cold a long time ago, but this version is hardly common. As we go out further into the stars, we pick up illnesses that we were never meant to have, and that the body, or SickBay haven't adapted to, yet.

"You're the first persion on the Enterprise to catch Byzallion Flu, Jean-Luc." Bev tells me as I lie on the SickBay medibed, "In fact, there have only been eight cases in all that the Federation has noted. Fortunately, it plays out just like the colds of the 20th and 21st century did. After a few days, you'll be right as rain."

"I feel dweadful." I complain with my odd voice and blocked nose.

"Don't you worry about that, Jean-Luc." Bev consoles me, "Will Riker is doing a sterling job. He's met all the ambassadors of the delegation, and they've all said how well he's done it all."

"THAT'S supposed to make me feel better?" I groan, as Bev gives me another aspirin and a lemon drink.

"There, there." Bev says, as she kisses my forehead, "It's good to have you as my patient."

Deanna walks in.

"How is the Captain, Beverly?" she asks, "If I know him, he'll be as grumpy as ever while you treat him. Some are never satisfied."

"Counselor." I say, "Please do not talk about me as if I am not here."

"Sorry, Captain." Deanna replies, then whispers to Bev, "I guessed I'd be right." The two then proceed to giggle, then go away to discuss the latest fashions and celebrity news while I flounder on the medibed. I press the buzzer, and Bev returns.

"Talk about those things later on." I point out, "It's time for my anti-Byzallion shot."

"Do you want it right now, Jean-Luc?" Bev asks, "With Deanna present? You know where I've got to administer that shot?"

I redden, then reconsider,

"Counselor" I tell her, "I think it might be a good idea if you return to the Bridge. Beverly has some important medical work to do."

Deanna tries not to laugh, and supresses her giggle until she leaves the SickBay, then she laughs out loud.

"Now before you administer the shot, Bev." I say, "I think it might be a good idea if you got the computer to lock all doors to prevent anyone walking in."

Bev smiles.

"All right, the doors are locked." she says. "Time for your shot."



Editor's Note:

The next post will be delayed until Friday 30th April, as that will be the date of my 5th Blogaversary. I'll time it to appear just after midnight Thursday night British Time.

Saturday, April 24, 2010

TWQ: YouTube Collections

This week, TWQ (the Weekend Question) looks at what is on your YouTube.

What are some of your favourites on YouTube? What would you have on if you don't have an account now?

My answers are:

The Beatles playing 'Something'......rare footage.

The opening sequence to the 1967 'Prisoner'...fantastic!

I have many videos from the sixties and seventies, including Scott McKenzie at Woodstock. I have to keep renewing them as they get withdrawn. I also have some spoof ones!

Now it's over to you...

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Annika Hansen In Unimatrix Zero (Part Two

Guest Poster: Annika Hansen

I'm never been this mad since I found Vi Toran in a compromising position with my former lover Axum. Everybody had better stand well clear in case I say something I won't regret.

As you know, I'm the joint mayor of Unimatrix Zero, the Borg fantasy zone where those with a recessive gene and exist as their original selves, much to the annoyance of the Borg Queens. Anyway, the other mayor, who is Axum, wants to plant that floozy Toran as his deputy so that she can make the decisions when his drone is awake and can't be present.


"I want allow it!" I say stubbornly, stamping my foot in frustration.

"You have no choice, Annika." Axum says smugly, "The Mayoral Rules clearly state that..."

"I don't care!" I yell, "I'm not going to debate mayoral policy with a cheap..."

"Hello, Annika." Vi Toran says to me with a sly smile, "It will be exciting in the mayoral chambers. I look forward to it all."

"On the whole, I would rather have a boxing match in a mud bath, Toran." I retort, "That's your usual level."

I stride off.


When I get back to my cave, Korris is waiting for me. He is my neighbour and was my campaign manager when I was running for Mayor.

"Annika!" he exclaims, "You look most distressed. What has happened?"

I tell him the story while I sit on his knee. he seems to like me doing this for some reason.

"Never mind, Annika." he tells me with a laugh, "I think we can use the rules against them"


A few hours later, when the council is next due to meet, I enter the chamber. Though I see Vi Toran sitting behind Axum, I continue to walk in.

I wear a revealing dress with a slit skirt. Axum looks in amazement, and an annoyed Vi Toran knocks him in the hip with her elbow. Korris walks in behind me.

"This is Korris." I announce, "He will be my Deputy Mayor. Whenever Seven of Nine is awake, and I am away, he will speak for me against Axum or Vi Toran."

"But...but..." the two reply together. Korris walks forward to shake them by the hand."

"Greetings, Axum, Miss Toran." Korris says pleasantly to them, "I look forward to our mayoral challenges in the council chambers."

I give a sly smile to Axum as he knows his little plan went all wrong.

Ah well, let's play Mayor!

Monday, April 19, 2010

Annika Hansen In Unimatrix Zero (Part One)

Guest Poster: Annika Hanson

I haven't posted for ages from here in the Borg fantasy zone of Unimatrix Zero. All my duties as joint Mayor have kept me SO busy. As you know, only drones with the recessive gene can enter this realm. The Alpha Borg Queen and her Queens are constantly on the hunt for those drones. Wouldn't it alarm them if they knew that I was actually the human version of their favourite drone, Seven of Nine, currently on the USS Enterprise?

This is what I look like in so-called 'real life':

Not likely to win any beauty pageants, am I? Still, Seven might win one of the borg held one. I know a lot of the drones on the Cube she used to be on fancied her and had her as their pin-up drone.

With my former lover, Axum being the other joint Mayor, there has been no end of arguing regarding policy. It keeps getting changed, and the poor citizens of Utopia Paradiso don't know whether they are coming or going.

It's a bit like a normal planet, really!

The trouble is, us citizens can only exist in Unimatrix Zero when our drone selves are in their alcoves regenerating. As soon as the drones wake up, we vanish!

This makes a Council Meeting very difficult. One moment, Axum and I are addressing various members, and the next, some are appearing and disappearing. We keep having to bring them up to speed with what has happened.

The worst is when I vanish. Axum takes over meetings completely and pushes his policies through when I am not around, such as the building of lots of golf courses. Axum just happens to be a golf fanatic. At the time we were together, he always used to say when we were in bed, "Call me Tiger."

I'm digressing again. Seven has just been walking around, so I've had to leave Unimatrix Zero. now I'm back, and Axum wants to talk to me.

"Annika." he says, "I've had a great idea."

This sounds like trouble.

"I think I need to appoint a Deputy Mayor that will carry out my duties whenever my drone is awake." he continues, "I think Vi Toran would do the job admirably. She has a good knowledge of politics and..."

"HER!" I exclaim, "As that Bajoran floozy enticed you away from me, all she knows is how to steal men. You appointed her as Peacekeeper to sit between us and mediate a while ago and now you want her as Deputy?"

"I can do what I like!" Axum says arrogantly.

"So can I!" I retort and march off.

This means trouble!

To be continued...

Saturday, April 17, 2010

TWQ: TV Shows That Were Cancelled Too Early

This week, TWQ (the Weekend Question) looks at the tv programmes that were cancelled too early. What would you choose?

Which tv series do you think were cancelled too early? List as many as you wish.

My answers are:

Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles (ended on cliffhanger)

Land Of The Giants (permanantly stuck on the giant planet!)

Star Trek: The Original Series

Now it's over to you...

Please make note of the late post that should have gone out on Wednesday, but I got thr scheduling dates mixed up!

The Trouble With Donatra (Part Two)

Editor's Note:

This was due to go out on Wednesday, but Blogger never put it out. My apologies.

Guest Poster: Jadzia Dax

I'm livid!

Right now, I'm stomping through the corridors of the Enterprise after my encounter with Donatra, who just happened to be passing by. I gave her a right earful. It all started because my man Worf has being seeing too much of her while he educates her into Federation and Klingon life. Donatra is a Romulan who has defected to our side because there is a lot of Klingon blood in her ancestry and sees herself as more of that race than being a Romulan.

Call it jealousy if you like, but I'm keen to see it doesn't develop into anything else.


I arrive in the sanctuary of the Ten Forward bar, where Guinan is serving out drinks and giving advice at the same time. I think she is a better Counselor than Deanna Troi. All you get in her office is a glass of water.

"Hello Jadzia." Guinan says upon seeing me, "You look decidedly worse for wear. Has something being bothering you? Is it Donatra?"

 "How did you know?" I ask.

"You don't get to be barmaid on the Enterprise without knowing the lives of those on board, and picking up a few choice remarks that some say." Guinan answers with a slight smile.

"So what did Donatra say?" I ask, while downing my fourth drink in two minutes.

"She was with her circle of friends, Jadzia." Guinan mentioned, "I didn't hear much, as Captain Picard and Beverly were drinking together at the same time. However, I did hear Donatra mention "She's only a Trill." and also "Worf and I are much more suited together." and things like that."

"Oh really?" my Trill blood getting hotter.

"Jadzia." Guinan advises, "Don't do anything Worf won't like. That may well be just what Donatra wants."

I consider this carefully, and thank Guinan for her useful tip.

As I head back to the quarters Worf and I share, Donatra appears again.

Donatra is about to speak, but I interrupt her.

"Don't bother calling Worf again." I say decisively, "You won't be so important soon."

I stride off into the living quarters where Worf and Alexander are talking.

"Here's a Credit, Alexander." I say, handing it to him, "Go see Alien V Predator XXXIII at the Enterprise Cinema. Your father and I have got something to discuss."

Alexander eagerly leaves, and Worf asks what is it we need to talk about.

"It's not so muich talk, Worfie." I say with a smile, as I unzip my dress, "I just need to remind you why Donatra is not that important, and can get by with learning on her own..."


A few hours later, Worf is talking to Donatra on his COM.

"No, Donatra." he says, "I can't come and help you with your indoctrination. I think you have learnt enough to do it by yourself from now on. Good luck."

He puts the phone down and resumes kissing me.

Ah, sometimes a woman's persuasiveness can be very powerful!

Monday, April 12, 2010

The Trouble With Donatra (Part One)

Guest Poster: Jadzia Dax

I'm getting concerned about Donatra.

She is the Romulan who claimed asylum with the Federation on the Enterprise while visiting with two others. Donatra said that there was in truth only a small amount of Romulan blood in her, and that she was actually a Klingon in ancestry.

Since that time, Worf has been spending a lot of time with her, getting Donatra used to the ways of the Federation and also how the Klingon Empire works.


Worf comes in our quarters, late as usual.

"Where have you been?" I ask, "We were all due to have dinner over half an hour ago."

"I could not come any earlier." he replies, "Donatra wanted me to tell her more about the great Klingon leader abnd warrior Kahless."

"That woman again!" I angrily say, "That woman is getting more of your time than I do, and we live together!"

"Donatra is my protege!"  Worf answers, "She needs all the help she can to indoctrinate her into Klingon society. She will have a difficult job after being with those Romulans all her life."

"Yeah, you're just the one to indoctrinate her." I say somewhat sarcastically.

Worf is just about to reply, whern Alexander appears from the other room.

"Jadzia." he asks, "Are you and dad having an argument?"

"No, Alexander." I reply in a suddenly calm manner, "We are just having a discussion."

"Judging from the sound, it seemed like an argument to me!" Alexander comments rather astutely.

"Jadzia and I just have a difference of opinion." Worf explains to his son, "This will easily be sorted out when she admits that I am right."

I get in a huff and walk out of the room. As I stomp through the corridors, pushing a few people aside as I do, I meet Donatra coming the other way.

"Watch your step, Romulan!" I say bitterly as I walk past her and enter the turbolift.

"But I'm a Kling..." Donatra starts to say.

"I know what you are!" I snap back, "Watch what you do with my Worf!"

To be continued...

Saturday, April 10, 2010

TWQ: What NOT To Do On A Date

This week, TWQ (the Weekend Question) asks about things which you should not do, when dating someone. Humour is essential!

Name some things that should not be mentioned or done while dating someone for the first time. List as many as you wish, and be as funny as you like!

My answers are:

1: Ask her if she likes the Glock gun that you've bought along.

2: Tell her that you have to leave soon as the prison only let you out for three hours.

3: Show her photos of your wife.

4: Ask if she has implants.

Now it's over to you....

Wednesday, April 07, 2010

Online Shopping With Deanna Troi

Guest Poster: Deanna Troi

We've been in deep space for several days, which has been extremely frustrating for me. I haven't been to the Starfleet Mall for at leasr three weeks.

The shopping drug that I have needs another fix...and soon!

I'm looking on the computers, doing the usual boring confidential reports that I have to fill in, and laughing at a few of them. Who would have thought that a member of the Enterprise staff had THAT problem? Unfortunately I'm bound by Counselor/patient confidentialilty to to say anything, although I really would like to tell you.

I'm digressing again. Now where was I?

Oh yes, shopping. Well I've just seen this feature pop up on the Starfleet computer.


Well, this looks super! Let's see what they have....

Yes, I'll have a few new dresses from Gowns Exclusive

A new make up supply from Galaxy Facepainters

Six new lingerie outfits from KinKee Lingerie


Half an hour later, I am still online shopping. I must admit, this is a lot more fun, I can just sit back in the chair and pick what I want, one after the other, and I don't come back with worn-out feet!  giggle!

Will comes in.

"Deanna, what have you been doing?" he asks, "You were supposed to meet me for coffee in Ten Forward half an hour ago."

"Woops!" I say, looking at the clock, "I hadn't realised how quickly the time had gone by while I was doing this."

"Doing whar?" he asks.

"Online shopping." I answer, "Look at the vast amount of items I've purchased from the Starfleet Mall without having to move from this chair."

"Look at the vast cost as well!" Will tells me, "The total is astronomical!"

"I don't usually bother to look at that in case it's a lot." I explain.

"Well you ought to." Will replies, "Captain Picard imposed a strict spending limit for those who shop online to stop them getting a shopping addiction."

"Well that wouldn't happen to me." I say firmly.

"Really?" Will tells me, "You've already gone twenty times over the spending limit!"

"Have I?"

"Yes, Deanna." he rells me firmly, "You need to cancel the orders for most of them."

"All right." I say sadly, "What shall I keep?"

Will looks down the vast amount of orders.

"Keep the lingerie outfits." he says quietly, them leaves.

I giggle.

Monday, April 05, 2010

Itemising Picard's Week

"Shuttle approaching, Captain." Data informs me, "The occupant wishes to come aboard."

"Who is he, Data?" I say, "We can't let any Tom, Dick or Harry on the ship.

"I shall enquire as to whether the person has any of those names before allowing him on board, sir." he tells me..

I roll my eyes and sigh. Clearly Data hasn't got his sense of humour chip on right now.

"He has informed me that he is Lieutenant Erik Pressman and is an official from Starfleet Headquarters and wishes to talk with you, sir." Data tells me.

"Ver well, let him on board." I say.  This, I know I'll regret, as officials are always so much trouble. Why can't they stay and push pens around, which is their job?

A few moments later, Lieutenant Pressman is on board.

Pressman looks kind of familiar to me, loke someone from an old 21st century television show, but the name of it is lost to me.

"Thank you for seeing me, Captain." he says, "I am Lieutenant Erik Pressman, and come from the Startfleet Time and Motion Department."

Just as I thought. A pen pusher.

"I see." I reply, "Just what is it you want here on the Enterprise, Lieutenant?"

"We know how many hours you do on your combined shift work in the week, Captain." he says, "We need to break it down and see how you spend that time."

The cheek of it! Nevertheless, I maintain a dignified authoritive posture, rather than putting him in the nearest airlock.

"Right then." he starts, "You do the dayshift on the Enterprise, along with the rest of the senior staff, while you, Commanders Riker, Data, Troi and Crusher regularly assume command in the so-called 'graveyard shift', when the ship simulates a nighttime environment?"

"Correct." I answer, already regretting that I let this idiot on board.

"Now then, I need you to tell me how many hours of your working week are devoted to sitting in the Captain's chair, away missions, breaks, meetings etc."

I can't believe I'm hearing this.

"It varies every week." I answer, "My role as Captain can't have fixed times."

"Nevertheless, Captain Picard." Pressman continues, "I must have the information for my report. Starfleet will be able to collate the figures and have a detailed view of what you do."

I give him some approximate answers which are just educated guesses.

"That wasn't so hard, was it, Captain?" Pressman says sarcastically, "Let's move on to another question. How many times have you saved something this year?"

"What?" I answer, somewhat puzzled.

"Saved." he repeats, "Like the universe, a planet, a group of individuals? A good Captain should have a high save ratio."

This man is mad! I give another answer, which is also just a guess.

"Now then, Captain?" Pressman asks, "We need to know how many hours you spend sleeping at night?"

"Is this relevant?" I ask, "Surely it isn't?"

"Yes it is." the Lieutenant answers, "It's important for Starfleet to know you get proper rest. Also we newed to know whether you sleep alone or with anyone else."

"That's enough!" I growl, "I've had about as much as I can take from...."

Before I finish, Worf bursts in with two Security guards.

"Sorry for the intrusion, Captain." Worf tells me, "We have had a report that a man fitting the description of Lieutenant Pressman has escaped from an institution and is going from ship to ship collecting highly personal information from their Captains."

I smile as the guards drag Pressman away.

"It was fun while it lasted, Captain Picard." Pressman tells me as he leaves the room, "You should have heard what some of the Captains told me!"

Saturday, April 03, 2010

TWQ: Shopping Pains

TWQ (The Weekend Question) this week focuses not on what people like to shop for, but what they DON'T like.

What items don't you like shopping for? List as many as you wish.

My answers are:

Shoes: Definately top of my list. As my shoe size is slightly different, it's a real pain to find the shoes that are suitable without having them made.

Wallpaper: How am I supposed to guess how they look on a wall?

Now it's over to you...