"Shuttle approaching, Captain." Data informs me, "The occupant wishes to come aboard."
"Who is he, Data?" I say, "We can't let any Tom, Dick or Harry on the ship.
"I shall enquire as to whether the person has any of those names before allowing him on board, sir." he tells me..
I roll my eyes and sigh. Clearly Data hasn't got his sense of humour chip on right now.
"He has informed me that he is Lieutenant Erik Pressman and is an official from Starfleet Headquarters and wishes to talk with you, sir." Data tells me.
"Ver well, let him on board." I say. This, I know I'll regret, as officials are always so much trouble. Why can't they stay and push pens around, which is their job?
A few moments later, Lieutenant Pressman is on board.
Pressman looks kind of familiar to me, loke someone from an old 21st century television show, but the name of it is lost to me.
"Thank you for seeing me, Captain." he says, "I am Lieutenant Erik Pressman, and come from the Startfleet Time and Motion Department."
Just as I thought. A pen pusher.
"I see." I reply, "Just what is it you want here on the Enterprise, Lieutenant?"
"We know how many hours you do on your combined shift work in the week, Captain." he says, "We need to break it down and see how you spend that time."
The cheek of it! Nevertheless, I maintain a dignified authoritive posture, rather than putting him in the nearest airlock.
"Right then." he starts, "You do the dayshift on the Enterprise, along with the rest of the senior staff, while you, Commanders Riker, Data, Troi and Crusher regularly assume command in the so-called 'graveyard shift', when the ship simulates a nighttime environment?"
"Correct." I answer, already regretting that I let this idiot on board.
"Now then, I need you to tell me how many hours of your working week are devoted to sitting in the Captain's chair, away missions, breaks, meetings etc."
I can't believe I'm hearing this.
"It varies every week." I answer, "My role as Captain can't have fixed times."
"Nevertheless, Captain Picard." Pressman continues, "I must have the information for my report. Starfleet will be able to collate the figures and have a detailed view of what you do."
I give him some approximate answers which are just educated guesses.
"That wasn't so hard, was it, Captain?" Pressman says sarcastically, "Let's move on to another question. How many times have you saved something this year?"
"What?" I answer, somewhat puzzled.
"Saved." he repeats, "Like the universe, a planet, a group of individuals? A good Captain should have a high save ratio."
This man is mad! I give another answer, which is also just a guess.
"Now then, Captain?" Pressman asks, "We need to know how many hours you spend sleeping at night?"
"Is this relevant?" I ask, "Surely it isn't?"
"Yes it is." the Lieutenant answers, "It's important for Starfleet to know you get proper rest. Also we newed to know whether you sleep alone or with anyone else."
"That's enough!" I growl, "I've had about as much as I can take from...."
Before I finish, Worf bursts in with two Security guards.
"Sorry for the intrusion, Captain." Worf tells me, "We have had a report that a man fitting the description of Lieutenant Pressman has escaped from an institution and is going from ship to ship collecting highly personal information from their Captains."
I smile as the guards drag Pressman away.
"It was fun while it lasted, Captain Picard." Pressman tells me as he leaves the room, "You should have heard what some of the Captains told me!"