Captain Beverly Causes A Problem (Part One)

Guest Poster: Captain Beverly Howard

I think I've hidden myself away for long enough, don't you think?

Here I am, stuck in this miserable universe where men are supposed to have an equal say with women. I was much better off when I was a Captain in the other female-dominated universe.

I can't imagine that the woman who is supposed to be me is a mere Doctor. Can anyone imagine me taking such a lowly post?

Still, while I've been at my secret basem, I've been gathering Intelligence about the activies of Starfleet, the Federation, the Enterprise and most of all, that awful Beverly Crusher, weakling that she is!

What fascinated me most of all is that Crusher's disaster-prone son Wesley is engaged to be married to an Amazonian named Karena.

Who would have thought it? As I'm in favour of anything that ensures the dominance of our sex, I should congratulate him. He'll soon buckle under her.

We can't have the Crusher family have a moment of happiness, though, so that's why I'm on the way to the planet Wondawowman for an unscheduled chat with Karena's mother.

Aren't I wicked?

----------

I change into a casual outfit as my ship, the Dominatrix approaches Wondawowman. When asked, I tell them I am Beverly Crusher, and need to speak to Queen Diana urgently. I am given permission to land the ship.



"Beverly!" exclaims Diana when I disembark, "This is a pleasant surprise. Have you come to discuss the wedding arrangements concerning my daughter and Wesley?"

I put on my extremely sad face, although I am laughing inside.

"In a way." I say slowly, "I regret to inform your Majesty that my son has decided that he no longer wishes to to be engaged to Karena. He has fallen in love with an Orion Slave Girl and they are planning on setting up home together. Wes has told me, but not Karena. Here is the Slave Girl's picture."



Diana is incensed. She looks like she is about to explode.

"No man may break off an engagement with a member of our race!" the Queen says in fury, "I will allow you to leave as you have bought me this news. You may tell Starfleet that all diplomatic relations between the Federation and Wondawowman are ended. Karena will be ordered to return home!"

I board the Dominatrix and fly off. Mission accomplished!

I'm quite pleased with myself how that all went. Now I can go back to base and watch all the fun from my monitors as Beverly Crusher and Starfleet try to sort it all out!

To be continued...

TWQ: Car Names

In this week's TWQ (The Weekend Question), we are looking at good names for a new car.

You are a car designer about to name your new car. What will you call it? Think of a name (or pick as many as you wish) for whatever type of car it is (sports, SUV etc), and say why you're calling it that. Be as funny as you like!

My answers are:

My sports car could be:

The Velcro (sticks to the ground)

The Stargate (goes great distances in a short time)

The Ticketer (will collect a lot with the speed it does)

Now it's over to you...

Aboard A Space Freighter (Part Three)

Guest Poster: Deanna Troi

This is DEFINATELY not my idea of travelling back to the Enterprise!

When the Cappy, Will and Beverly came away from Earth after visiting Ascot, the rickety shuttlecraft Orion gave out, so we were picked up by this dreary freighter named the Trashkan. What a yukky ship it is!

The Captain of the freighter is this awful creature named Komba, and he is making us all work our passage on the route to our ship. I may well get one of my nails broken!

Will and the Cappy have been sent to clean the engine room, while Beverly and I are going to the kitchens.

-------------

"This kitchen looks filthy!" exclaims Beverly, "Hygiene has been disregarded."

"What's hygiene?" a laughing voice says from behind.



It's a Chameloid, and I can't be sure which sex it is. Not the sort of thing I can ask, really, is it?

"I'm Darva." it says, "I'm the head of this kitchen."

"Pleased to meet you." I reply, "Can you tell us where the replicators are?"

Darva laughs out loud.

"Do you really think we have any of those?" it answers, "We cook, plain and simple, in giant pots. There are 100 people on this crate, and you've got to make enough for all of them."

"Actually, Darva." I say, "I've never cooked anything in the past, and I'm sure my friend never has either."

"Well now is your chance to learn" Darva replies, "The ingredients are all there on the table, so get cooking."

"What are we making for the crew today, Darva?" asks Beverly.

"It's glop." answers Darva.

"Sorry?"

"I said glop." the Chameloid stresses, "You just throw it all in, cook it for two hours and serve it to those on the ship."

"Will they like it?" I enquire, "After all, it hardly looks very appetising."

"They'll eat anything here." Darva laughs, "If they don't, they go without."

------------

In the evening, the crew are coming in for the dish Beverly and I have concocted. We've called it Glop Supreme. I see the Cappy and Will coming in, and indicate them to Beverly.

The two come over with their dishes so we can serve the glop to them.

"How are you managing, Jean-Luc?" Beverly asks to the Cappy.

"It's awful, Bev." he replies, "I must have blisters on my blisters, as the grease is two inches thick."

"How about you and Beverly?" Will asks me.

"Well, you'll find out." I answer, "When you eat this."

---------------

The next day, Captain Komba gathers the four of us together. The Cappy and Will both have stomach poisoning for some reason.



"You four have worked your passage." he tells us, "Your ship is within sight, and we've informed them you are here. We would have kept you on a little longer, but most of the crew are down with a stomach virus. These women are so bad at it, we want you off."

We help the Cappy and Will off the ship as they groan.

I hope they'll be pleased we got them off the ship!

Aboard A Space Freighter (Part Two)

The shuttlecraft Orion, that has me, Beverly, Riker and Deanna in it has been floating around in space after breaking down on the way from our Ascot trip on Earth.

We were on the way to rejoin the Enterprise, but the engines gave out.

Fortunately, the sensors are picking up an approaching space vessel.

----------

"We've saved!" shouts an exhubitant Deanna, who hugs us all.

"Hold on, Counselor." I advise, "We don't know who these people are yet."

I send out a distress call, and the ship comes our way.



I must admit, it doesn't look too impressive; an ancient space freighter that looks about two centuries old.

Still, when we are being rescued from floating about in space, we can't afford to be too choosy.

The ship hooks on to the Orion, and we climb out of the connection hatch into the freighter to see who our rescuers are.



"I am Captain Komba of the Freighter Ship Trashkan." he tells us. I can see the Captain wouldn't win any prizes a beauty contest.

I reply by announcing who the four of us are. The Captain seems duly unimpressed.

"Fortunately for you." he tells us, "The Trashkan is going in the direction your starship, so we shall take you there."

"Thank you, Captain." Riker tells him, "Now if you'll just show us to our quarters."

Komba snorts in derision.

"This isn't one of your fancy starships, Riker." Komba says in disgust, "The Trashkan is a working freighter. That means all four of you will be expected to work your passage. I'll put you and Picard in the engine room. There are a lot of greasy parts that need cleaning. The women can go work in the kitchen."



"Excuse me, Captain." Beverly advise, "But I'm a doctor. Perhaps it would be a good idea if I work in the SickBay?"

"What SickBay?" Komba laughs, "If anyone gets injured on this freighter, we either put a band aid on them or put them in the morgue. Get cooking! You two women can go in the womens quarters, and you men can go in the male bunk room."

"I'm a Captain.." I start to protest.

"Not here, Picard." Komba tells me, "You're just a crewman working his passage."

------------

A few hours later, Riker and I are still cleaning the engine parts that have been covered by years of grease and grime. Everywhere is filthy, and I'm covered in it.

"Is this a way to get to the Enterprise, Number One?" I ask.

"I know what you mean, Captain." Riker replies, "I think we were better off floating in space."

"I wonder how Beverly and Deanna are doing in the kitchen?"

To be continued...

Aboard A Space Freighter (Part One)

Bev, Riker, Deanna and myself were coming out of Ascot racecourse, in England.

I was happily counting the Credits that I had acquired from backing the winner of the Gold Cup, as was Beverly, who had taken my advice in choosing the favourite. Behind us, Deanna and Riker were arguing.



"Whyever did you put all your Credits on a 50 to 1 outsider, Will?" Deanna enquired, "It was so far behind, the horses in the next races couldn't start until it managed to get past the finishing line. Even then, the jockey had to get off and drag the horse across it!"

"It just seemed to have a good name." Riker answered, "With a name like Commander's Will, I could hardly resist it."

"Horses with cute names aren't going to win races, Will." Beverly reminded him, "I could see that Ferengi Bookmaker laughing away to himself as you placed your bet. He must have thought it was Christmas!"

"All right, I get the idea." Riker admits, "It wasn't a sound decision, but you did pick one with a name as well, Captain."



"True, but Bev's Bounty was the favourite." I tell him, "So we chose well."

As Riker continues to mumble with Deanna, we head out of the track towards the shuttlepark, so that we can fly towards our meeting point with the Enterprise.

The Orion shuttle takes off, but is feeling sluggish, even more so than when we came this way.

"I think we should have got this shuttle looked at, Captain." Riker informs me, "Geordi wasn't sure about whether..."

"We would have missed the first race, Will." Deanna replies, "Although that might have been better; we wouldn't have lost so many Credits. I felt I was contributing to the Retired Bookmakers Home."



After hearing Deanna whine away as much as the engines of the shuttlecraft, the Orion finally comes to a halt.

"Well that's torn it!" exclaims Riker, "Now were's floating away in the vast wilderness of space with no hope of rescue, lost forever.."

"Can it, Number One!" I reply, "There's something showing up on our sensors. A ship is coming this way."

To be continued...

TWQ: The Four Seasons

Here in the northern hemisphere, it's just going into summer. This week, TWQ (The Weekend Question) looks into seasons.

What is your favourite season, and why?

My answer is:

Spring is definately the answer, though perhaps late spring on the verge of summer, which is about a week, to two weeks ago. Everywhere looks grown, the sun is bright, but not hot, and the weather is crisp. It's a very happy time of year. It was ideal for me when I went to Royal Ascot raceground on Thursday 19th.

When summer comes, things can be TOO warm, so the spring is preferable.

Now it's over to you...

Ro Laren's Boyfriend (Part Two)

Guest Poster: Ro Laren

I'm in a right fix now. The last time I was this distressed, the local Bajoran ear jewelry shop had just closed down.

My boyfriend Vorak has been caught by the Maquis. The trouble is, Vorak is a Cardassian, and the two of us have been having a secret relationship since meeting via a dating agency. Though Bajorans and Cardassians are supposed to despise each other, Vorak and I are attracted.

Unfortunately, we can't let anyone know, as we would both be ostracised from the societies we live in.

I decide, as I don't want anyone to find out about us, that I am going to rescue him myself.

As I know the location of the local Maquis meeting place, I think I'll casually drop in and see what's what.

-------------

I get the shuttlecraft and land on the quiet planet of Havalon V. There is a tiny building nearby. I walk towards it and give the secret Maquis knock.

A little slot opens in the door, and a pair of eyes look through.

"Who is it?" a voice commands.



"Ro Laren." I whisper quietly.

The door opens and I enter.

"Well, well." says a voice, "If it isn't Ro. We thought you'd forgotten about us. You seem to spend all your time with the Cardassian-loving Federation."

"That's not true, Kad." I say falsely to the Bajoran woman I recognise as the leader sitting down, "I gather information, and still pay subscriptions to Maquis Monthly. Anything exciting happening?"

"I should say, Ro!" Kad exclaims, "We managed to capture Gul Vorak, the Cardassian Ambassador to Earth last night. He was about to enter a restaurant. We figure he was there to meet a contact. We'll get the details out of him."

I start to sweat a little, as if I have been on the sonic sunbed for too long.

"Can I question him?" I ask casually.

"Sure, Ro." she replies.

"I'll have him saying 'four lights' before you know it." I say with a laugh.

I enter the Interrogation Room and see my boyfriend strapped to the chair.



He looks alarmed when he sees me, but I wink slyly at him.

"Leave us alone!" I order to the guard, "I'll soon have the truth out of this Cardassian!"

When we are alone, a groggy Vorak mumbles "Ro?"

"Quiet." I whisper, as I untie him, You are going to zap me with my phaser...make sure it's on stun, please. You can then grab one of the shuttles in the Maquis Shuttle Park and escape."

"Are you sure, Ro?

"Do it!"

He aims, and a blanket of darkness falls over me.

-------------

The next thing I know, I am being shaken awake by the Maquis members.

"Ro!" Kad exclaims, "What happened? Where is the Cardassian?"

I get up, and start to tell the story I have made up.

"The incompetant who tied the Cardassian's hand did not do a good job!" I say, "He managed to untie his hands, grab me, took my phaser and stunned me. It was lucky it was set on stun."

"Indeed it was, Ro." Kad comments, "We will have to have a course in how to tie knots here, it seems."

At that, I say my farewells, and head off back to the Enterprise.

A hail comes in. It is Vorak.

"That was a close on, Ro." he says, "Did they believe your story?"

"Yes." I reply, "We'll have to be careful in future. Any more events like that and it will be curtains for both of us."

Ro Laren's Boyfriend (Part One)

Guest Poster: Ro Laren

I'm having to be very careful and discreet about my new boyfriend.

He's a Cardassian.

Yes, I know that I'm a Bajoran, and we are supposed to be mortal enemies of them. My race is also supporting the Maquis, who are against them as well.

But love produces some strange alliances. Ever since Vorak and I met in the Superdeluxe Starfleet Restaurant a few months ago, as a result of being matched by the Interstellar Love Dating Agency, the two of us have being seeing each other very slyly.

As yet, I haven't told anyone. If they found out, I would be ostracised by my fellow Bajoran people, and the Maquis would not send me their yearly calendar.

However, I don't think I can keep all this inside me any longer. I've got to tell someone. The only person I can confide in is Guinan in Ten Forward.

---------



"Are you crazy, honey?" is Guinan's response when I tell her the whole story during a time when she has a break from serving, "Do you know what sort of problems that will cause?"

To be honest, I expected a little more understanding!

"Look, Ro." she continues in a softer tone, "You've got to tread carefully in this situation. A lot of people from various races would keen to exploit the situation if they found out. Can you be sure that Vorak isn't just trying to establish a relationship to get information from you?"

"I'm sure." I reply to Guinan, "I just needed to share my secret with someone else. Promise you won't tell anyone?"

"I promise, Ro." she answers, "Though no one is too fond of Cardassians, this friend of yours sounds alright. As the Representative to Earth, I think he has sympathies towards the Federation."

"I think so, too." I tell her, "Anyway, Vorak and I are going for a dinner date at the Galaxy Restaurant Italiano tonight.

------------

A few hours later, I am in a discreet corner of the restaurant. It's the part where people usually go when they are there with someone they shouldn't be. Nowadays, they have a whole section cordoned off for that. It's called the IMA, or Illicit Meetings Area. People go in there and a holoscreen protects others from seeing them, even those in the next table.

------------

After a half an hour, I'm still waiting for Vorak.

If he's stood me up, he'll be for the high jump. That's nothing to do with the Galactic Olympics, either.

The waiter comes up with some wine that I have ordered.



He looks pityingly at me, as he thinks I have been jilted.

"Err...have you seen a Mr Vorak." I ask.

"Is he a Cardassian, madam?" he replies.

"Yes he is?" I answer quickly, "Have you seen him?"

"Yes, madam." he answers, "I regret to inform you that a Cardassian entered these premises about fort minutes ago, but was apphrended by the group of people known as the Maquis. I believe they were taking him in for questioning."

I wince.

Now I've got a problem. How do I release my boyfriend out of the clutches of my friends in the Maquis?

To be continued.....

Authors Note:

As I'm going to Oxford and then Royal Ascot racecourse, the second part of this story will not be published until Wednesday...that is if the Scheduled Posts work!

TWQ: Habits

This week's TWQ (The Weekend Question) is not about what nuns wear, but about those little habits that we have.

What habits do you have that you can never seem to be able to shake off? Is there some that others have that really annoy you? Write as many as you wish.

My answers are:

1: Being a creature of habit, there are certain things I have to do before I can move on to something else.

2: If I think there is a one in a million chance something might not be quite right before I go to sleep, I have to go down and check again.

3: Relating to other people, I can't stand a person who whistles.

Now it's over to you...

Riker's Temporary Replacement (Part Three)

Guest Poster: Beverly Crusher

As I drag Jean-Luc out of Ten Forward, he falls unconsious. I have him beamed to Sick Bay so I can check how he is.

When Riker & Deanna went on vacation for the week, the over-ambitious Commander Elizabeth Paula Shelby was put in Riker's place.

Since then, she has been trying to take over more and more, even edging in on my relationship with Jean-Luc. I soon cut her off there!

-------

After a brief examination, I see there is small traces of hytropoxin in the Captain's system. This will knock anyone out for several hours. Someone...and I think I know who...must have deposited it in the Ktarian Brandy.

Things are beginning to make sense. That woman is power mad.

With Jean-Luc incapacitated, Shelby is now acting Captain of the Enterprise!

I go up to the Bridge, and tell her I want to talk to her.

"Certainly, Doctor." Shelby answers, when I get there all fuming, "Come into my Ready Room."

'MY' Ready Room she says! How does she have the nerve?

"You drugged the Captain, Commander Shelby." I say accusingly, "All so you could take control of the ship. You didn't want to seduce him, as I first thought, but you put the hytopoxin in to get him out of the way for a long time."



"You've deduced that well, Doctor." Shelby smugly says, "However, you have no proof. Now remember to call me Captain Shelby from now on, otherwise I'll have the holographic doctor taking over your duties and you doing the bedpans!"

Incensed, I stride out, and Shelby resumes her place in the Captain's Chair, wearing that smug look that she likes to have.

-------------

A few hours later, we are told to go on an Away Mission on the planet Hvara. Some invaders are attacking a settlement and we have to go down. Shelby takes Worf and the security staff down for back up, while I take a medical group to help the survivors.

I also pack in a little hytopoxin. It might come in handy!



Shelby and Worf go looking for some of the invaders. I get my aides helping along. Now if I can get Shelby alone...

"How are things going, Doctor" asks Shelby, "It seems all the invaders have left the planet."

"Things are fine." I reply, "All the survivors are being beamed back to the ship."

As she turns around, I leap up with my hypospray and inject her with hytopoxin.

Almost immediately, Shelby starts staggering around as if she has has two bottles of Klingon bloodwine. Then she falls flat on the floor.

"What has happened to Captain Shelby?" Worf asks when he returns.

"I've no idea, Worf." I reply innocently, "I'll get her up to the ship."

------------

Everybody seems to accept the story that Shelby just had a dizzy spell, and I keep he out of the way and drugged up in SickBay, saying the stress of Command must have been too much for her.

In the meantime, Jean-Luc has recovered, although he seems to have a throbbing headache. I tell him the truth about what happened.

"Ordinarily, I wouldn't tolerate such a thing you did, Beverly." he says, "But Shelby did try to get me out of the way so that she could command a starship. In that case, it's only right to do what you did. Anyway, Riker and Deanna will be back tomorrow."

"We'll send her on with a splitting headache, Jean-Luc." I smile, "She'll find that it isn't easy being at the top!"

Riker's Temporary Replacement (Part Two)

While Riker and Deanna are away for a week, Starfleet have sent the overly-ambitious Commander Shelby to replace him.

She has been on the Enterprise before, at the time when we were up against an invading Borg Cube and I was assimilated into Locutus Of Borg. Shelby was after Riker's job then, and it seems Starfleet want her into an authoritive position...possibly even a Captain.

----------

"What do you think of her, Jean-Luc?" Beverly asks me, as the two of us are in the turbolift heading towards the Bridge.

"Who?" I reply.



"Shelby, of course!" Bev answers, "I've seen her in Ten Forward ordering the crew about and telling them they are not up to the required efficiency rating."

"Well, Bev." I tell her, "A Commander is in charge of the crew and if she thinks..."

"Poppycock!" Beverly sharply tells me, "You are in charge of the ship. You need to tell her who is boss in the ship before things get out of hand. You'll end up running errands for her before long, and Shelby will be calling YOU 'Number One'. Has it ever occured that we don't even know what her first name is!"

"I'll have a word with her, Bev."

The Bridge door opens and I see Commander Shelby comfortably sitting in the Captain's Chair, giving orders to the crew. Everyone looks around, but she takes to notice.

I walk behind Shelby and give a discreet cough. She takes no notice. I give an even louder cough that makes me stagger.

"Good morning, Captain." she says.

"I'm fine, thank you." I reply icily.

"To save me getting up, would you mind getting me a coffee? Cream, with sugar."

I look at Bev, who is smiling.

"You'll have to ask someone else for that, Commander Shelby." I answer, "In the meantime, may I have my seat back?"

"Oh yes." she says, "I hadn't noticed. It felt quite comfortable there."

"I'm sure it did."

-----------

A few hours later, I see Shelby in Ten Forward and walk towards her.



"Commander." I tell her in my most officious tone, "Your conduct on the Bridge was not very respectful to that of a Captain."

"I'm sorry Captain." she answers, "I know I can be a little ...ambitious. Have a Ktarian Brandy."

I accept, despite knowing how powerful it is. A few sips, and already my head is spinning.

"Your first name name is not on any records, Commander." I tell her.

"Isn't it?" she answers in surprise, ""Well, my full name is Elizabeth Paula Shelby. My very close friends call me Eppy. It's from the initials of the two names. You can too. I hope I can call you Jean-Luc. Such a powerful name."

The Ktarian Brandy is already making me so groggy, it's like I'm going round in a circle at warp speed 9.

"Here." she says, "You don't look so well, Jean-Luc." Shelby tells me, "You had better go to your quarters. Let me help you."

I feel Shelby assisting me up towards the door. However, Bev is blocking the way.

"What's going on here?" she asks us both piercingly.

"Jean-Luc isn't very well." Shelby tells her.

"Eppy...I mean Elizabeth is taking me to my quarters." I add groggily, "She's trying to help me."

"Trying to help herself, more like." she comments, "I see we are all on first-name terms now. All right, Elizabeth. I'll take over from now on."

Bev gives Eppy an icy stare as to say 'this is my territory'.

"Whatever you say, Doctor Crusher." Shelby answers with a smile.

I can see I'm going to have to be careful here. After that, I pass out.

To be continued...

Riker's Temporary Replacement (Part One)

"I don't want to go, Captain." Riker tells me as I sit in my office having my mid-morning cup of Earl Grey, "It's just that Deanna wants me to go with her to Betazed and talk with her mother, Lwaxana."

"Yes, I can see how you would be reluctant to go, Will." I reply, "But that is one of the tasks one takes if they go with Counselor Troi."



"Too right!" admits Riker, "I'd like the time away with Deanna, without Lwaxana asking if I've visited any interplanetary jewelers, and reminding me what the size of her daughter's wedding ring finger."

I try not to laugh. I don't want to drop my tea again.

"Well, Number One." I say, "At least Data will be able to take care of the Commander's position while you are away."

"That's true." he admits, "Everything is always just the way it was whenever I return from an absence."

Riker gets up when he finishes his second donut and heads to Deanna's quarters to help her with the packing.

I turn to the videoviewer to call Admiral Hardaker to remind him about Riker. The Admiral is the one we have to book our vacations with. To think we still have to do this in the 24th Century! Only so many can have the same days off.

Hardaker comes on the screen.

"Just to remind you sir." I start, "That Commander Riker is off for a week here, and well have Riker filling in for him."

"Oh no he won't!" he replies quickly.

"What do you mean, sir?"

"Well." he answers, "With Riker away, it gives us a good chance to put someone else in his place and see how things go. This Commander is very ambitious, and wants to be a Captain as soon as possible."

I start to feel uncomfortable, as if my Captain's seat is being eased from me.

"In fact." Hardaker tells me, "The Commander has visited the Enterprise before, and will arrive on the shuttle that will take Riker and Counselor Troi away."

He closes and switches off the viewer before I have a chance to ask who the Commander is.

----------------

Not long after, we are all waiting in the shuttle bay. Deanna Troi is looking happy that she has a chance to visit her mother. Riker is looking miserable as if he is in the Tower of London and about to go to the block.

"Have you no idea who my replacement is, Captain?" he asks.

"I guess we'll find out soon enough, Number One." I reply, as I see the shuttlecraft come into the bay. Itlands and we approach as the doors open.



"Commander Shelby!" I exclaim.

"Yes" she replies, then looks at Riker, "Are you still here? Oh yes, you need the shuttle. Now don't worry. You have a LONG break. I'll soon get this ship running properly."

I look at Riker as he and Deanna enter the shuttle, almost wishing I could get away with them.

I have the idea that the next few days are going to be very difficult.

To be continued...

TWQ: Film Weepies

This week, TWQ (The Weekend Question) looks at movies that made you reach for the tissues.

What movies would you consider your most memorable weepies? List as many as you wish.

My answers are:

Beaches: Definately a front-runner, with the 'Wind Beneath My Wings' sequence.

It's A Wonderful Life: A classic movie with a wonderful ending.

Dark Victory: This Bette Davies film tells of a woman who goes blind at the end.

Now it's over to you....

But before I go....

Just to let you know that I make a brief appearance in

Last Gladiator 3

Ciera has added me in her entry for the task she has. See'Challenge 3: Ciera's Task.'

T'Pol & Britney..Alias Smith & Jones (Part Three)

Guest Poster: Ensign Britney

My soulsistah T'Pol and I have hit a couple of problems going on vacation to The Wild Time Resort on the planet Garos. Firstly, we've had to go in disguise and use the fake names of Janet Smith and Rebecca Jones because the two of us are known as raucous people who cause promlems even at places where rules don't exist.

If that wasn't bad enough, we've found out that The Wild Time Resort has been taken over by the Bide-A-Way Holiday Nursing Home, where the average age is 85!

---------

"So how are we gonna liven this place up, Brit?" T'Pol asks me as I get some chewing gum out. This helps me to think.

"Relax sistah." I tell her, "The folks might look a little ancient and unmoving, but that's cos they've been treated that way. They want to get something to make them feel young."

"Yeah." T'Pol agrees, "Bingo and a tea dance doesn't quite cut it, does it?"

"Well, the ballroom dancing is tonight." I tell her, "I think we're gonna have a few more things besides the waltz."

T'Pol smiles wickedly. "I'm with you, Brit!"

-----------

A few hours later, the two of us have been working away at making a few changes to the ballroom.

The depressed older people file in, expecting the usual.



T'Pol and I are there, me in a big hat and mask. She tells me that she has used a stun gun on Alfred the guy in charge, and locked him in one of the rooms.

"Great!" I reply, "Now we're all gonna have a super time!"



The mask comes off. Smith & Jones are no more. T'Pol & Britney are ready to rock!

T'Pol gets on the stage and jumps on the giant loudspeakers we've installed.



"All right you cats!!!" she yells, "Instead of a waltz, it's heavy rock for you. Firstly that heavy metal band The Galactic Earsplitters with their latest song Blowing Up Your Starship"

The 130 decibel sound of the band comes pounding through the loudspeakers. One old timer looks at another.

"This is more like it!" he says, "This is my favourite sort of sound."

All of them are agreeing and start to dance wildly, holding their sticks and zimmer frames in the air.

-----

After half an hour, Alfred comes through the door and looks in amazement, and then at T'Pol and myself.

"It's you two!" he exclaims, "I should have guessed it was. You can pack your bags and get out! These people should be having a waltz and foxtrot."

Alfred then feels a stick whack him on the head.

"Don't you dare send them away, sonny." says one little old lady, "I haven't had so much fun in years!"

"You're right, Ethel." says another, who shouts to T'Pol, "Hey missy, can you play Rip Me To Pieces by J'Vann and The Stomachblenders? I haven't heard it in years."

"Sure will!" T'Pol answers, and the decibels go up even further.

Alfred walks off, shaking his head, while T'Pol and I get dancing together.

"Told you we'd have a good time, sistah!" I tell her with a smile.

"You're right as always, Brit!" she replies.

T'Pol & Britney..Alias Smith & Jones (Part Two)

Guest Poster: Ensign Britney:

Yay! My soulsistah T'Pol have arrived on the planet Garos, where the Wild Time Resort is located.

We've had to be careful, as both of us have been banned from every pleasure planet in the galaxy due to the notoriously bad behaviour we get up to. This time, we have adopted heavy disguises, and are using fake names. T'Pol is Janet Smith and I'm Rebecca Jones. We've got to remember that. I've actually written who we are on our hands, just to be sure.

--------------

The hovercar takes us to the rececption entrance, where we prepare to get out.



I'm wearing my pink and black Tsarian outfit, with a brown wig and dark glasses. T'Pol has a baseball cap and pink wig on plus a low key outfit. We're hoping not to attract too much attention, but everybody stares at us as we get out and head for the Reception. It's curious that many seem quite elderly. Hardly the sort for a pleasure planet.

No one is around at the Desk.

I bang the bell several times.

"Hey! We want some service here!" I shout at the top of my voice.

"Careful, Brit." T'Pol whispers, "We don't want to look like ourselves...remember who our names are, othewise we could be out of the door before the hovercar has had a chance to leave."

"Oh, yeah, sistah." I admit, "...I mean...errr..Janet."

The Receptionist comes in. A rather stuffy looking man in a formal suit and bow tie.



"Welcome to the Garos Wild Time Resort, ladies." he announces, as if he is announcing the arrivals at a Grand Ball, "I am Alfred, and look after all guests, ensuring they have a peaceful time."

"Peaceful?" I say in surprise, "I thought it was the Wild Time Resort?"

"Indeed it was, madam." Alfred replies, "But it has been bought out by the Bide-A-Way Nursing Holiday Home. The average age of guests is 86."

We look in despair.

"Now then." continues Alfred, looking at T'Pol "You are Janet Smith, and your friend is Rebecca Jones."

"That's right, bub." I confirm.

"I hope you don't mind me saying." he mentions, "But you both bear a slight resemblance to a couple of individuals who we have been warned against."

Alfred points to the wall, and both our pictures are there.

"Those two are known throughout the galaxy as troublemakers." he tells us, "We don't want them here. The guests couldn't stand it."

"We'll keep our eyes open for them." T'Pol tells him, as we walk away.

Alfred reminds us that bingo and the whist drive will be taking place after dinner.

The two of us go to our room, and T'Pol looks in panic.

"What are we gonna do, Brit?" she asks, "Look where we are, and in disguise. We're hardly going to have a fun time, are we?"

"Don't worry sistah." I say with a smile, "It might not be what we want, but we can liven this up no end."

To be continued...

T'Pol & Britney..Alias Smith & Jones (Part One)

Guest Poster: Mirror T'Pol

I go to the Enterprise brig to welcome my best friend Ensign Britney, so is being released after her latest time there. She seems to spend more time there than she does at her quarters.

Still, I guess that's why we are close. The two of us are natural rebels; me for having come from the Terran Empire of another universe, and Britney for having being born on the planet Delta, where people have complete freedom.

"Hiya sistah!" calls out an elated Britney, when she comes from the brig, "I knew you'd be there to welcome me. I've got some great news!"

We hug, and the two of us walk off. She is bubbling, as if she has discovered a new brand of extra-tasty chewing gum.

"T'Pol." she tells me, unable to contain herself, "I've found a great place where we can go for our vacation. It's perfect. I found it while looking at the Galactic Vacation Hypermarket on the Federation website in the brig."

"Well done, Brit!" I reply, "Wherever is it? I thought all the holiday places have banned us because of the raucous behavior we get up to whenever we go anywhere."



"Yeah, that's true, sistah." Britney answers carefully, "It won't be T'Pol and Ensign Britney going to the Wild Time Resort on the planet Garos, but Janet Smith and Rebecca Jones."

"Are you saying we'll be going in disguise, using fake names?" I ask, "I remember the Wild Time Resort. They gave us both a lifetime ban for what we did in the swimming pool. I think the dance floor incident was the final straw, though."

"You got it in one, soulsistah!" Britney laughs out loud, "We''ll have wigs on. You'll be Janet, I'm Rebecca."

"Does that mean we've got to start acting normally and have a quiet time?" I ask her, "You know we both like a lively vacation."

"We sure do, sweetie!" Britney replies, "Oh, I guess they'll throw us out eventually, but until they cotton on, we'll enjoy it to the limit."

"Then it's Garos here we come!" I shout, "Well done it fixing it, Brit."

"Well done, Rebecca, I think you mean." Britney answers, "We don't want them to find out right away....do we, Janet?"

To be continued...