I have called the senior staff for a meeting.
When they hear about it, they will probably wish they had found something else to do, liukie clean out a few warp conduits.
"All right, everyone." I say, "I want you all to read your copy ofthis large Health and Safety manual, printed by Starfleet.
There are a chorus of groaning from around the desk as the staff struggle to open the pages. The book is so heavy, it is not easy to lift them.
"Why are they printed on books, Captain?" asks Deanna, "Would it not be sensible to have them all on computer so we can refer to them and not have to carry the books around?"
Actually, this was the question I asked when the Starfleet official came with the books this morning.
"You're right, Counselor." I reply, "But Starfleet seemed to think that in case there was electrical interference, when the guides might get knocked out, it's best to keep them on paper, when they can always be read."
"Are you serious, Captain?" asks Riker unbelievingly.
"Unfortunately, Number One, I am."
We look through the book.
"Whoever wrote this book ought to be assimilated!" snorts Seven.
I agree with her, but can't possibly say that.
"What's this one?" asks Beverly, "It says that all sonic showers must be fitted with the warning sign 'Be careful, this shower may turn hot or cold.'. Any idiot knows that!"
"This one is no better." comments Ro, "It says 'All doors should have a notice with 'Beware of sliding doors' fitted on it."
"This book is in danger of going through the airlock doors." Worf says to himself disgustedly.
"There is a paragraph about the airlock doors as well, Worfie....I mean Worf." Jadzia points out, "It tells about depressurisation warnings and be sure to hold breath if there is an airleak."
"The Engineering section is the worst of all." complains Geordi. "There is a whole chapter on the dangers there, ranging from the warp core to wearing protctive suits when handling dilithium crystals."
I sigh. It looks like this book has been produced by some useless official who has never seen the inside of a starship.
"Go and read it for now." I tell them. "I'll have a word with Starfleet and see if I can get some of these things amended."
A few minutes later, while I am talking to Beverly in the SickBay about our date in the cinema last night, when Data comes in.
"Medical emergency!" states Data, "It's Geordi."
"What has he done, Mr Data?" I ask, "Not followed a directive in the Safety Manual?"
"No, Captain." he answers, "He pulled his back while trying to carry the manual out of the Ready Room."