Sunday, August 06, 2006

Starship Licence (Part One)

I'm on my way to Dararia after that unfortunate incident recently.

The Dararians accused the Enterprise of speeding through their space, and I was haned a million Credit fine, and ordered to apply for a Starship Licence.

Despite my protests, the Starfleet authorities have insisted that I go through this in the interests of interplanetary harmony.

It all sounds like a Dararian scam to me.

Anyway, I just land on Dararia, when I'm greeted by ban official.

"Ah, you must be Captain Picard, the notorious speeder" he says, "I am Yeltar, and I will be conducting your test today."

Though I'm tempted to comment on his 'notorious speeder' remark, I think it best to say nothing, as it may harm my chances. Best just to get this over with as soon as possible.

We go to a shuttle that he has borrowed for the occasion.

"Step in please, Captain." says Yelter, "And we see how familiar you are with the controls."

We take off and I perform all the directions he asks me to with ease. A good Captain never forgets how to operate a shuttle. Yelter ticks off the movements with ease.

After about half an hour, we land again on Dararia; I expect to be handed that Starship Licence and then I can get out of here.

"Well done, Captain" Yelter informs me, "You have successfully passed the required flights, and now qualify for a Dararian Starship Licence. Just pay the half a million Credit charge, and..."

"What!" I exclaim.

"Naturally, Captain, You have to pay for the Test Instruction that I am giving you."

"This is a flagrant con!" I shout, "You do the same for any starships that pass by."

"They have to adhere to the regulations." Yelter says in an officious tone, "Should you not pay immediately, the cost will be doubled."

I bite my lip, as I feel determined to say something; reluctantly, I tell him that Starfleet will pay right away. Any other action might result in a fine so high that Starfleet would go bankrupt.

"That's good, Captain." says Yelter, as if he is pleased that the Dararians have got another victim, "Just go along to the offices to collect your licence."

"Can't YOU give me the licence?" I ask.

"Certainly not!" Yelter replies in an amazed voice, "This is a very official procedure. Here is your DSS1/LDS form; take it along to the office and get your Licence.


After looking around, and asking many people, I find a grey, drab office, where I am told I will get what what I want.

I enter there to find it absolutlely packed; so many, they can barely move; I wish I would beam them all out and go to the front of the queue.

I see one counter with a sign saying 'STARSHIP LICENCES' over it. There is a long queue of individuals waiting to apply; about as many as there are planets in the Federation.

After what seems an eternity, I am at the counter, and triumphantly hand my DSS1/LDS form to the person the other side.

"What's this?" he asks me.

"It's the DSS1/LDS form for a Starship Licence" I reply.

"I don't want that" he tells me as if I am a Gazonian Flea Parrot, "You've got to go to the counter marked 'DSS1/LDS' before you can come to me."

I look, and that queue is twice as long as the one I was waiting in, and has now grown again.

I could be here some time.

To be continued...


Merlyn Gabriel said...

Oh how I love Bureaucracy. Ack!!!
When I have to deal with this sort of thing on Coruscant I usually bring a book with me.

I am pretty sure all this is some sort of a test to see how long it take before one turns to the Dark side due to one's patience being tried.

Oh Dear Captain, I am sorry you need to go through this, I can reccomend some decent books. Jeb Holloway comes to mind.

good luck!!

Pearl said...

I suggest a judicious use of a, ahem, tip.

Does the captain have an ancestor in music perhaps? Is it me or does U2's the Edge bear more than a passing ressemblance?

dragonflyfilly said...

i'm looking for the Blogger who started the story about the Rat and the Frog....cannot remember who it is....anyone out there in Cyberspace know who i am referring to?


A Army Of (Cl)One said...

Did you inform them that you could just reduce there planet to rubble, or better yet starfleet can just pull its forces from the region and see how they like Cardasian speeder.

Michelle said...

My Big Reveal was so much fun!!! I had a great time, and would totally do it all over again! :) I have to keep up the workouts and pampering - they want me to come back next year and show off the even better, improved me :)

Melody Lam said...

Oh man, this reminds me of when Arthur has to go to the Vogons to save Trillian in The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. Man, these guys sound more annoying then Ferengi. They make the Ferengi look like Walmart.

no_average_girl said...

poor captain...sounds about like our government offices over here! LOL

Darth Nepharia said...

My friend has a weapon that can destroy entire planets. With a bribe much smaller than the fees you are paying, I'm sure I could persuade someone to help you out of your bureaucratic nightmare.

dragonflyfilly said...

this all sounds very petty to me, and what i don't understand is how is one supposed to not speed through space...sounds like someone is trying to provoke an intergalactical "Incident"!

Florence said...

Could 7 of 9 contacted the Borg Queen, I think we've just found a society that need assimilating. Or is resistance futile?

The Curmudgeon said...

Captain I can't decide whether to endorse pearl's approach or florence's.

As a Chicagoan, pearl's option seems all too normal to me. And the Dararians seem rather good at this scamming business -- they just might assimilate the Borg before the Borg knew what happened to them. So that's a reason not to go with florence's approach, attractive though it sounds.

Can't you find a Ferengi to advise you in these matters, Captain? For all your sophistication in so many other areas, in this one I'm afraid you're just a tad naive.

Best of luck while you wait in the next line -- I'm sure Riker's taking good care of the ship in your absence.

Or does that worry you, too?

Trinity13 said...

I hope you brought your stress pills Capt! This situation sounds worse than spending time with Wes.

Jean-Luc Picard said...

Threatening to assimilate a planet or reduce them to rubble isn't exactly the diplomatic approach that a starship captain should take, although at the end of this, I may wish I'd have considered them earlier.

Bribery does seem to be a viable option. Perhaps the Dararians are distantly related to the Ferengi?

We've all come across beaurocracy.

Paperback Writer said...

Hmmm, I think my migraine is coming back! Oy vey!

hostile17 said...

Well that is tough captain, but what are your thoughts on annihilation on a universal scale??

TX said...

just have sevan talk to the machines or computers

dragonflyfilly said...

oh yeah, speaking of Seven, how is she? have you got any updates on her?

Nic said...

I think you should just have Seven come in and scare them into not only giving you back the money they claim you "owe" them but to also have them give you a license that covers every kind of scam that they're trying to run in order to bilk unsuspecting travelers out of exorbitant sums of moolah. At least she's good for something - threats.

August said...

invest in a good mp3 player, captain, and carry it around with you.

Bill said...

Starfleet didn't make you take leave to do this paperwork shuffle did they? If they did, you should get your vacation time back, Captain.

Norbert Huntington IV said...

Of course, Captain, there is a line. Did you expect special treatment? Next time, call first and make an appointment. It will not get you through any faster, but you will feel better about it.

Jean-Luc Picard said...

A lot of you seem to think Seven is the answer to the problem.

Dragonflyfilly, Seven is in her alcove at the moment; I'll tell her you asked.

Nic, I think it would be a very different answer if Seven applied for the Starship Licence.

August, technology always confuses me.

Anonymous said...

Happy Thursday!

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