Today, Starfleet are sending a Time & Motion expert to see how efficient we are at running the Enterprise.
Knowing my luck, this will be the day that everything breaks down.
At 08:00, a man beams on board; he has a clipboard with a pad attached and also a stopwatch and pen.
"Good morning Mr...? I say to him, trying to shake his hand.
"The name is Jordan Tonks," he says quickly, and ignoring my handshake, "formalities cost time; the ship would be running a lot better if we dispensed with formalities." He writes something on his pad and notices Worf.
"What is this Officer doing here? Should he not be working elsewhere? His energies can be channeled into something better than standing around."
"This is Lieutenant Worf." I tell Tonks, "He is Head of Security, and is here to protect us."
"Against what?" demands Tonks, "Send him to do something else, Captain."
I indicate to Worf, who has that irritated look and mumbles something I didn't quite catch in the Klingon language.
"Let's go to Engineering." says Tonks.
We arrive there.
Tonks looks around and makes a few notes on his pad; he also shakes his head. Geordi comes over.
"What is it, Captain?" he asks.
"This is Jordan Tonks, a Time & Motion expert" I tell him.
"Why do you have so many people working here, Chief Engineer?" he asks, "Can't it run with just a few individuals?"
"Generally so." Geordi replies, with a slightly annoyed look, "But we need to keep it running at optimum efficiency."
Tonks tuts and writes a few more things down.
"To the Bridge." he demands.
As we travel, children walk past.
"And what job do THEY so, Captain?" he asks sarcastically.
"This is a family ship" I answer, "Therefore some of the crew have their children with them so they don't lose contact."
"A waste of Starfleet time and resources; the effort used to teech and maintain these children could be put to better use.
I've started to get very irritated with Mr Tonks.
We arrive at the Bridge. He looks in horror at all the people working there.
"This is ridiculous, Captain. What are all these people doing on the Bridge? They look at their own screens and never do anything. You have a Counselor sitting there. Can't the crew sort out their own problems. You have an android sitting there; shouldn't his job be given to a live person?"
That's done it!
"I tell you what the only waste on resources I know, Tonks " I tell him, "That's when Starfleet spend all their time on training people who can't do anything except Time & Motion'. Your arrival here has only delayed us carrying out more important missions."
"Now Captain, I think you're being a little...." stutters Tonks.
"Mr Worf, if you're not doing anything else right now, would you kindly escort our guest off the ship."
"With pleasure, Sir." says Worf with a smile.
I sit down in the chair, quite satisfied.
"Feeling better now, Sir?" Riker asks.
"Yes, Number One." I reply, "I've learnt that those who Can, join Starfleet, and those who Can't become Time & Motion Experts."