Tuesday, October 21, 2008

The Captain's Portrait (Part Three)

Guido the artist is in the holographic studio, about to start on my portrait. As all Starfleet Captains have this done to line the halls at HQ, it is now my turn.

I put my chest out, trying to look distinguished and impotant. I realise my dress shirt uniform needs adjusting and perfor 'The Picard Manouvre'.

"Do not keep moving Captain!" shouts an exasperated Guido, "How can I be expected to create my piece de resistance if you can't keep still?"

"Sorry." I answer, "Guido, how long will it take to paint me?"

"Well, Captain." he answers, "If Starfleet had paid me a lot, it would be an intense study conducted over many sittings that would have revealed the image behind the man, and would have taken many days. As Starfleet haven't paid much, I probably can real this off in about half an hour."

I sigh. Riker enters.

"Captain!" he exclaims, "We are under attack from the Vorash. You're needed on the Bridge."

"I'd better go and..." I say, then see Guido scream.

"Err...Number One." I say, "See if you can handle it. The event will be good training for you."

Riker goes off, shaking his head.


Half an hour later, Riker returns to say that the Vorash attack has been quashed.

"Well done, Number One." I tell him.

"It is finished!" exclaims Guido, "Truly, this is a masterpiece, one of true greatness."

"Let's have a look!" I say, as Riker and I rush to see the result.

"Is it not truly a vision of wonder?" Guido says with pride, "People will look in awe at this."

"They'll do that all right!" replies Riker with a laugh, "Alexander does better ones in the school art class!"

"What's this?" I ask angrily, "Is this what will be representing me in Starfleet Headquarters?"

"You are both amateurs!" Guido says with disgust, "Naturally, you have no concept of art. You probably thought that Emin Tracey's Walayan Wart Hog in a Vat of Acid was not brilliant either."

"That's right." we both answer.

Guido picks up his easel in disgust and asks to leave this ship of artistic neanderthals as soon as possible.


After he's gone, we all look at the picture.

"Maybe we're not seeing the picture in the right way?" Bev comments.

"You may be right." I reply, and turn the picture so that we are looking at the back of the canvas, all blank.

"MUCH better!" we exclaim.


Editor's Note:

I'm indebted to Amanda for presenting me with this wonderful Award.

Thanks, Amanda!


The Curmudgeon said...

Maybe you should reconsider your criticism, Captain -- it looks like he's given you hair!

Anonymous said...

LOL Curmudgeon is correct, there are plusses in this photo. LOL

Wait, I love Jean-Luc without hair.



Jen said...

I love it! That will probably be worth a lot of money someday...

Linda said...

Art is subjective ... at least that's what I've been told! Perhaps you should subject that bit of art to the galactic rubbish bin as it does you no justice at all, Captain. You are much more dashing than that!

The Mistress of the Dark said...

Now that is a portrait :)

Footsteps said...

Your portrait looks to be fraught with meaning and innuendo. Mysterious is much better than air-brushed.

Kon-El said...

Well maybe you can put it up on the on the fridge?

Gordon said...

Where they dig him up from, I've seen pre-schooler's with more artistic prowess. ALthough saying that I have seen practically blank canvases with just a bit of paint on them and they are sold for thousands.

Jean-Luc Picard said...

Perhaps I can hang it up loosely in the airlock?

Ellee Seymour said...

I'm sure you will look very distinguished and be pleased with the finished product.

Epiphany said...

Oh Captain! How ever did you maintain the composure you did? You are such a distinguished leader. Perhaps an appeal to Starfleet to pony up the big bucks for an appropriate tribute...

Ciera said...

perhaps if you paid him a little more without StarFleet HQ knowing about it, he'd paint a better pic?

Wait - do ALL the captains portraits look like that? You did say everybody was getting them done right?

Jean-Luc Picard said...

Ciera, I think everyone else got a good picture. Mine was done on the cheap!

Nepharia said...

I would have to say that Guido may have some serious dementia setting in -- looks as if his skills have left the house completely.