Who's On First?

Riker walks into my Ready Room while I'm writing my Journal.

"Ah, Number One" I tell him, "Do you realise I will have been sending my Intern the records of my Journal for nearly a year? This Sunday, the 30th April will be the First Anniversary."

"Are we going to have another party, Captain?"

"I don't think so; after the last one, the brig was at capacity for some time. Mr Worf said it was all too much for him."

"Do you think it was wise sending the Journal to the 21st Century?" he asks me, "What about the Temporal Prime Directive?"

"Oh, nonsense, Number One" I say, "My Intern is sworn to secrecy. I've found something interesting here. They are Starfleet Archives from the 23rd Century unearthed by Miss Cellania . She was the woman who piloted the Enterprise when we had that party recently."

Riker takes a look at the Archives and reads them out..

"The following is a transcript of a conversation between Captain Kirk, Mr Spock & Dr McCoy..."

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Who's On First...

Kirk, McCoy, and Scotty are huddled in a corridor near a transporter room, talking with one another, in the distance, Spock rounds a corner and heads toward the group.]

McCoy: Shh! He's coming! Scotty, go act like you're adjusting the transporter or something.

Scotty: Aye, Doctor.

Kirk: Ah, hello Mister Spock.

Spock: Good day, Captain.

Kirk: Are you familiar with the game "baseball," Mr Spock?

Spock: Baseball is a tactical game played on a geometric pattern of four sides with a spherical object. The purpose is to deflect the object with a long wooden stick called a "bat," amidst loud verbalizations of "Hurrah" and "The umpire was paid off!" Is this correct?

Kirk: Indeed. We are in the process of learning about one of the baseball teams from old Earth.

Spock: Oh? I am quite versed with old Earth history . . . perhaps I may be of assistance.

Kirk: That's the idea.

Spock: Very well. Proceed.

Kirk: All right. Who's on first.

Spock: I am unable to determine who is on first without proper information concerning the team and year, sir.

Kirk: So?

Spock: Perhaps we could start with who the team is, and I can test the accuracy.

Kirk: No--Who's on first.

Spock: I do not know.

McCoy: Third base.

Spock: Who is?

Kirk: No--he's first base.

Spock: Who is?

Kirk: Correct.

Spock: Who is correct?

Kirk: Sometimes.

Spock: Who is sometimes?

Kirk: No, Who is first baseman. I'm not familiar with Sometimes'
identity.

Spock: Whose identity?

Kirk: No, him I know--he's first baseman.

Spock: Who is?

Kirk: That's right.

Spock: Perhaps we can discuss the identity of the second baseman.

Kirk: What.

Spock: I said the second baseman.

Kirk: What.

Spock: This is highly illogical. You have no apparent auditory disfunction, sir. Now, as I asked . . . who is the second baseman?

Kirk: No, you didn't ask that, and Who is the first baseman.

Spock: Very well. Captain, I ask you politely: who is the second baseman?

Kirk: No, Who is the first baseman. What is the second baseman.

Spock: That is incorrect, Captain. The second baseman is obviously a sentient being, and therefore should be referred to as who, and not what. "Who is the second baseman?", not "What is the second baseman?"

Kirk: Wrong, Spock. Who is the first baseman, and What is the second baseman.

Spock: That statement is most illogical.

Kirk: Wait a minute--we'll get Scotty. He's Scottish, he must love baseball. Oh, Mister Scott?

Scotty: (coming from the transporter room) Aye, Cap'n?

Kirk: Who is the first baseman of the team we were talking about.

Scotty: Aye, Cap'n. It ain't never been any other way!

Kirk: You see, Spock?

Spock: Yes . . . Mister Scott seems to know the material well. Very well. Mister Scott, who is the second baseman?

Scotty: Ach! No, Mister Spock! That be What you're talking about!

Spock: I know that be what . . . er . . . is what I'm talking about. I am very intelligent, and rarely lose track of what I am talking about.

Scotty: Ach! Don't bring track inta this! That be a bloomin' field event!

Spock: What has this got to do with field events?

Scotty: Ach! No! What's the second baseman!

Spock: Again, I note that a person should be referred to as "who" and not "what," Mister Scott.

Scotty: Only if he's tha first baseman, Mister Spock!

Spock: What you are saying is most illogical.

Scotty: Ach! No! What's a real bright fella!

Spock: Who is a "real bright fella" Mister Scott?

Scotty: No! Who . . . now he's a real dope, sir!

Spock: Who is?

Scotty: Right!

Spock: Captain, this is most illogical, and I do not feel as though we are getting anywhere. Perhaps we can discuss the identity of another player, such as the pitcher?

Kirk: Tomorrow.

Spock: Tomorrow? If you are genuinely interested in this discussion, today would be much better.

McCoy: Well, Spock, Today *is* good, but he's the catcher.

Spock: Who is?

Scotty: Nay, Mr Spock--Who's the first baseman.

Spock: I do not know.

Kirk: Third base!

Spock: What?

Kirk: No, he's on second.

Spock: Who is?

Kirk: No, Spock, Who's on first.

Spock: I do not know.

McCoy: Third base!

[This continues on for quite some time until finally we see a medical team in the corridor, gathered around Spock, who is bound in a straitjacket.]

Spock: (babbling incoherently) I don't know who what first base second base third base catcher pitcher today tomorrow I don't know . . .

Kirk: Bones, do you think maybe we went too far this time?

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"What do you think, Number One?" I ask.

"This is a very interesting historical document, Captain" replies Riker, "I do have one question, though"

"What's that?"

"Do you think we could try it out on Data?"

"Careful, Number One" I say, "We don't want to overload his positronic brain!"