Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Boothby's Academy Lecture (Part Two)

Once the polite applause had died down, I was ready to give my lecture on Fauna to the Starfleet Academy Cadets.

They looked a right bunch, I can tell you. Are these the future defenders of the Federation? We might as well send a message to the Borg telling them to come and assimilate us now. With them in the Collective, there would be much in the Hive Mind.

I'm digressing again, aren't I?

Don't say "Yes". I've been through a lot more than you have.

"I'm here to give you a lecture on Fauna." I tell them, "As the Head Gardener at Starfleet Academy, I'm telling you how important it is to respect all forms of alien plant life, whether going as part of an Away Team or colonising a new planet for a community."

A Cadet puts his hand up to ask a question. I sigh; there's always one, isn't there?

"Yes?" I ask him.

"Cadet Wilmslow here" he asks chirpily, "What about the plant that altered Mr Spock in the Away Mission last century, and the Omega Plant that ate Captain Abraxus of the Starship Ohio twenty years ago? Would you classify those as 'hostile'?

A wise guy. He REALLY needs a good clip round the ear.

"They were hostile plants" I tell him, "But in all forms of life there are hostility; they just need to be isolated and controlled. There are no Omega Plants in the Academy Gardens, as they are kept on their native planet and flagged with warning beacons."

Actually, it's a pity there isn't an Omega Plant in the Garden. There are some Cadets I would happily have fed to it.

"Now when you go to a planet," I continue "It's important you are aware of the Fauna there; if you are not, you may well be injured or killed simply because there is a plant that would cause you harm. Remember to respect all life."

A ripple of applause follows; is that all I get?

"Any questions?" I ask them. I know I'm inviting trouble saying it to this lot, but surely they can't say anything too awkward?

A figure stands up. "Cadet Moira Delfino here." she says, "Would you rather have been in a starship then tending the Gardens? After all, isn't it a bit boring?"

"Let me tell you, missy" I tell her forcefully, "I know far more about piloting a starship and about Starfleet life than you ever will. The nuggets of information I pick up from important people means I could get on any starship and take control."

She sits down, slightly red-faced.

Next, that brat Wesley Crusher stands up. I knew, as sure as day follows night, that he'd ask me something.

"Cadet Wesley Crusher here" he says, "There is just one question I would like to ask, that all my fellow Cadets want to know as well; what's your first name, Mr Boothby?"

"That's classified information!" I tell him, "Clear off; this lecture is over."

What a relief to be able to get back to my Gardens.

I wonder if the Starfleet authorites will let me grow an Omega Plant?


Trinity13 said...

I'm sure I can find an Omega Plant somewhere in the Matrix for ya!!!

Professor Xavier said...

The most dangerous plant I ever heard of was the Audrey 2. That thing was a mean green muther from outta space. Any idea where she came from, Boothby?

no_average_girl said...

cadet no_average_girl here. most dangerous plant i've come in contact with is poison ivy...mr. boothby, can you tell me where that plant originated and why it wasn't kept in it's native home and flagged?

Gentleman-hobbs said...

I feared I had one growing from my twin moons this morning. But fortunately I was still at the bridge on time captain.

Jaime H. said...

Just popping in to say hi!

Poor Boothby! Deadly plants are easier to deal with than cadets.

Star_Kindler said...

Omega Omega 3 has some pretty dangerous plants too. If so much as a single root of one of those babies touches you, you become forever attached to the plant.

So Boothby, grow one of those, and put Wes in charge.

Son Goku said...

Wesley would give the poor Omga Plant indigetion , why wouly you hurt an innoicent plant like that?

Barbara said...

There must be a Starfleet manual where the regulations regarding plant life are spelled out.

Vampirella said...

no average girl... poison ivy and poison oak was not always poisonous in fact native americans used it.... Scientist and botanist dont know why but after settlers from Europe began cutting trees down during the gold rush these plants changed thier nature became aggressive (in theroy it is believe it did so to protect the trees and fauna) true fact look it up ... So when Mr Boosby says respect all life it is true :P

I think I need some of those Omga planets to replace my hedges around my graveyard then kids would stop sneaking in

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

Your first name isn't Jo Jo isn't, Mr. Boothby?

Wedge Antillies said...

I once ate a carrot that looked like Worf's head. Does that count?

Jean-Luc Picard said...

If I see Wes, I'll suggest we visit the Omega Plants.

Vampirella, good comments.

No Average Girl, I'll pass your comments to Mr Boothby. He usually clips me on the head when I talk to him.

Jamie, you're right about deadly plants and Cadets.

Star Kindler, that is a great idea to put Wes in charge of Omega Plant growing.

Suzanne said...

If I brought an Omega plant into the house my cat would surely eat it!

Ciera said...

I can think of a few people I'd like to feed to an Omega plant too...

RagDoll said...

Thanks for dropping by and leaving a comment on my blog! As a result, I found your wonderful blog! It is always nice to find an fellow Tolkien fan!

Sweet water and light laughter till next we meet

'Lissenen ar' maska'lalaith tenna' lye omentuva'

I've added you to my blogroll if you do not mind!

dddragon said...

Boothby should grow a maze like Hagrid did ... one that keeps kids inside forever.


Honestly speaking, what does an Omega plant look like?

Miss Cellania said...

Next time, let me give the lecture. I'll smack anyone who creates problems.

Agh! Comment verification! I HATE that! Where are my bifocals?

Jean-Luc Picard said...

It seems like Omega Plants seem to be very favoured here.

Maybe I can sell some on EBay?

Ragdoll & Miss Cellania, thank you for visiting.

I know what you mean about comments!

Ragdoll, you're on my bloglist.

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