Thursday, February 23, 2006

Fzambian Etiquette

Today, we are meeting a newly discovered race, named the Fzambi.

There are very strict on protocol and the correct etiquette, so Deanna has been coaching us all on the correct procedure. It is now my turn.

"Good evening, Ambassador" I practise, and offer my hand to shake.

Deanna looks alarmed.

"No Captain!" she says in panic, "That means you don't like him and want to spread your body germs on to him. It is a Supreme Insult."

"So what do I do?"

"You bend on your knees and say, "You are a Supreme Leader"

"That's a little extreme," I comment, "What will he do in reply."

"He will spit on you and say, "Wretch!"

"Is this meant to be diplomacy, Deanna?" I say to her, "The Fzambi sound like dictators; do we really want them in the Federation?"

"They DO have a lot a Diluthium" she points out.

I groan.

"Let's move to the formal banquet" I say, "What will happen there?"

"The food will all be laid out for the Fzambian Ambassador and his guests," continues Deanna, "You and he will compliment each other. He will say "Disgusting!" and throw the drink on the floor. That means he likes it. When the main course comes round, he will throw his on the floor and tread in it. That is a great honour for you Captain."

"Really?" I say speculatively. I'm beginning to think the Fzambi are distant cousins of the Klingons.

"What about later?" I continue.

"In the formal concert" says Deanna, "The Fzambians will chatter away above the music and ignore it. Don't get offended at this. It means they like the sound and don't want it to stop."

"All right" I tell her, "I think I've got everything."

-------

Later that evening, I walk to SickBay with Deanna; I have a black eye, and have been punched in the stomach. My leg is also very sore.

"Captain" she says sadly, "I thought we went over that; DON'T shake a Fzambian by the hand!"

28 comments:

Frosty Snowbro said...

hang in there, captain. It was a shitload to remember. Deanna should have been by your side the whole damn time reminding you.

InterstellarLass said...

Eh, I don't blame you. Anyone with a name like Fzambian deserves germs and disease spread on them.

no_average_girl said...

poor captain...should've listened to the advice of his trusted counselor! hehe

manic_depressive_1 said...

Brilliant. Except that it's Dilithium, not Diluthium. And that's when you know you're a Trekkie.

:P

Ciera said...

I didn't catch that typo either :O

cube said...

Diluthium. Is that better than dilithium?

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

I am fairly certain that I've encounterd Fzambi at a movie theater.

Lori said...

Poor Poor Captain....Some people don't listen....LOL

Have a great day!!!

Vampirella said...

nods at jon yeah me too

Captian neck time bite him and see how he likes it

taylorSiluwé ..... said...

I think I saw Fzambian down by the liquor store.

FRIDAY'S CHILD said...

I think this is absurd. Imagine a Captain on his knees just to say hello. What kind of etiquette is this?

Captain Berk said...

I once negociated a peace treaty with the Fzambi by making similar mistakes.

Spock tried to brief me, but I knew I didn't need any of his tuition.

Their leader asked me to bow when we were introduced. I said I didn't bow to anyone. He said I should.

I punched him in the face.

Now we play Squash every Thursday.

He's got a nice ranch in Idaho

Wedge Antillies said...

So how do you pronounce Fzambi? Is the 'b' silent? As for the bowing and spitting, it sounds like a holiday dinner at my sister's house with her in-laws. Although I have seena Hutt banquet with very similar manners.

flu said...

Captain, they would also be honored if you started speaking loudly to someone else via your commlink right in the middle of dinner.

Good luck!

Jean-Luc Picard said...

No wonder the ship won't go if we are being given Diluthium instead of Dilithium! The Fzambians are trying to cheat us. Thanks for spotting it, everybody!

Wedge, I don't think a Fzambian ever is silent!

Trinity13 said...

Just have Wesley save the day again!

Vegeta said...

I thank they are my decendents. Do they hsve spiky heir?

OldOldLady Of The Hills said...

So hard to keep up, isn't it Captain? These new people sound like they are related to the Crazombies!! A bitter race if ever there was one! Sorry about your injuries...

I'm here from Michele today!

margalit said...

All these cultural faux pas. It seem way too hard to be you, captain.

Here via Michele

OldOldLady Of The Hills said...

Did I forget to say I am here Via Michele??? THose "new" people have me scared!

rashbre said...

I don't think the Fzambians have theta-matrix compositors yet, so you may still get to have the last laugh.

rashbre

rashbre said...

And my memory alpha module has just reminded me that Michele sent me!

gnome said...

I believe these are nasty aliens. Therefore: hit em with a stick on the head and say: Bad, naughty alien!

adonis said...

Freaks

M. C. Pearson said...

Well, if they beat you up, doesn't it mean they like you a lot? Hope you told them how much you like them too!

Star_Kindler said...

This stuff is great! I'm so glad I found it. Looking forward to the next entry.

Oh, and if the Fzambians get out of hand, don't get a bat/phaser/Wesley. Middle management is the only thing with any effectiveness against that kind of alien. You will have them begging for mercy after five minutes of exposure.

Good luck against them, and hoping you'll get proper dilithium soon!

Suzanne said...

I hate to admit it, but I despise reading the Harry Potter books. I can't get into the made-up names that cause me to sputter while i'm reading outloud to my kids! oh...and i've never been very big on comic books either. You can't really read one, rather they're more just sound effects like "oof" and "pow". very unpleasant to read outloud to kids. ha ha

Hi from Michele's. But i'm a regular reader...
come by and help me grovel to Ellen k?

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