Sunday, February 26, 2006

The Cleaners

Today, as the Enterprise is looking a little untidy, we've had to get the cleaners in to smarten it up.

I'm not surprised. If only there were more wastebins around, sweet wrappers wouldn't be cast around the corridors.

Chocolate wrappers seem to be all over the place; I'm suspicious of Deanna on that one.

Anyway, we go to Transporter Room 2 to welcome the cleaners.

Three middle aged women beam aboard. They each have an old vacuum cleaner, their hair is wrapped in a scarf, they have a dirty pinafore over each of their dresses and each are smoking a cigarette that is hanging limply from their mouths.

The lady at the front approaches me.

"Hello dearie, where would you like us to start?" she says, before coughing.

"Smoking is not permitted on the Enterprise!" declares Worf in his best Security Officer-type tone.

"Ah, put a sock in it!" says one of the other cleaners as the trio march out of the Transporter Room.

Data is looking confused. I know he's going to ask a question.

"Captain," he asks, "What does a sock have to do with smoking on the Enterprise?"

"Err, ask Geordi, Data."

We go outside and find the cleaners looking around, shaking their heads and talking to each other. All are coughing away at some point.

"Look at the sight in here!" one says to the others, "They just can't keep a decent place tidy, can they?"

The head cleaner turns back to me.

"Where's the powerpoint?" she inquires.

"The Warp Core is in Engineering." I tell her.

She rolls her eyes, has a retching cough.

"No, dearie!" she irritatingly says, "The powerpoint where we can plug in the vacuum cleaners so that we can clean this filthy starship."

"We don't have any." mentions Geordi, "As the ship is meant to be self-cleaning. That function has been inoperative for some time."

"Can't you repair it, dearie?"

"Err, well, we've never had the instructions for that; we never thought it would go wrong."

"All right, dearies." says the Head Cleaner, "The vacuum cleaners can run on batteries, so we'll get this mess sorted out."

We leave them to clean the ship up. The sound of retching coughs can be heard in the distance.

Later, we are all On The Bridge.

"Ship approching" declares Data, "Weapons primed for the Enterprise."

"Shields up!" Riker announces. He likes to be the one to say that.

The hostile ship lauches a missile.

"Shields at 80%" declares Worf.

"Aim for the weapons system" I say in my authoritarian voice. Everything is going as it usually does in these situations. We'll soon have it all under control.

Suddenly the sound of vacuum cleaners fill the air.

The cleaning ladies walk on to the Bridge and start polishing and using their cleaners.

"Look how filthy this place is!" one says to the other. They continue to clean away.

"This is not the time!" I say to them, but they fail to hear me because of the noise/

"I SAID THIS IS NOT THE TIME. PEASE LEAVE!" I shout at them as loud as I can before my voice croaks.

They look at me in puzzlement, then at each other.

"All right, dearie," the Head Cleaner says, "Leave the place in a mess if you like. We don't like being shouted at. We'll take our leave of you. Come, ladies. I've heard Deep Space Nine is a shambles right now."

The three all heave a retching cough and depart.

22 comments:

no_average_girl said...

boy, get another cleaning crew in there! haha

what happened with the other ship? is the enterprise still in one piece?

Star_Kindler said...

Well, better luck next time on cleaning. Or, if you don't like them and they show up again, do be sure to have the Fzambians be their escorts. Oh well, if you're lucky, Deep Space Nine might have some casualties in the next couple of days...

Jen said...

How funny!

I never thought of how the Enterprise stays clean. Hmmmm.

Thanks for commenting on my knitting project, I'm happy to report that I finished it on time!

Professor Xavier said...

That is funny how the little things often get over looked. Hopefully they didn't pocket any tricorders or anything. They seemed like the "sticky fingers" type.

Vampirella said...

lol I would find a means to fixing the slef cleaner captian :P
Captian run a ship if it isnt ship shape and spic and span :P

Jana said...

If you're done with the cleaning crew, could you send them my way? Anything's better than nothing.

Ciera said...

That reminds me...I need to vaccum the library...

:: jozjozjoz :: said...

I can just hear that retching cough...

M. C. Pearson said...

"Shields up!" Riker announces. He likes to be the one to say that.

That was such a great line!

Sounds like the dearie laidies polluted more than they cleaned, eh?

FRIDAY'S CHILD said...

Where on earth did you get those cleaners. They complain too much. Isn't it their job to clean? Why complain. If there would be no dirt and mess around, they'll have no jobs to support themselves.

Viamarie said...

I agree with Friday's Child. They don't deserve to be hired next time. You should screen the next one on the list so you don't get the same kind of team again.

Enjoy your day!

Trinity13 said...

Shame on you Capt! You would rather deal with a hostle ship than have your own ship clean. I'm shocked! :-)

Jean-Luc Picard said...

Anybody who wants these cleaners are welcome to them. Get used to hearing a retching cough, though.

Vegeta said...

we have cleaning robots here. who i've reprogrammed to attck kakarot, actually he is responsible for 89% of the dirt here so why not atack it at it's source?

Shelley said...

Too funny!!!! I was laughing out loud at Data's comments about "putting a sock in it". HAR! Maybe if you confiscated some of Deanna's chocolate and offered the cleaning staff some chocolate they'd quit smoking? It's a sure fire wayt to get them cleaning faster...all that delish sugar...although, chocolate can be addiction in itself. Right, Deanna?? See you tonight Deanna at Chocoholics Anonymous. Pick you up at 6.

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

What's a pinafore?

It's a for holding upa your diaper.

Star_Kindler said...

I'll take them captain! I have the most wonderful treatment for coughs and nicotine addictions: 21st century muscle relaxants. It works wonders.

Or maybe its the holographic Borg soldiers that are always around.... I guess I'll never know.

Master Yoda said...

I hope expect a tip they do not.

Captain Berk said...

They sound beautiful.

Send them over my way.

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