Battle Stations

Things are kind of busy at the moment.

Shields are down, the warp engines are offline and we are about to be boarded by an unknown enemy that refuses to answer our hails.

It could be said that it is not our day today, and another one where the Enterprise Christmas Party is skating on thin ice.

It's too late to cancel the order for Bajoran Brandies. Those had to be booked at the beginning of August.

Some ladies have already asked me to dance with them at the party. It looks like they may be disappointed.

I'm getting distracted.

"They are about to beam in." says Riker.

"We cannot let that happen!" demands Worf, who reaches for his phaser.

"Options, everybody." I say.

It's always a good thing to say when I haven't got a clue what to do myself.

After a few useless suggestions from the others, Data comes up with a plan.

"Could it be done?" I ask.

"It will require spilt second re-modulation of the transport alignment matrix buffer."

I pretend I understand what he is talking about and tell him to go ahead.

--------------------

The aliens land on the Bridge; they are a mysterious aggressive race.

"We are the Vargh. We are taking command of your ship. You will all we executed." one of them growls.

The crew look at each other and ask the Vargh leader to look at the screen.

The Self Destruct is counting down slowly ".....seven....six...five.."

The leader shouts to the others in panic, "Leave the ship immediately, it is about to explode!"

They beam out and hurriedly leave at high warp.

The holodeck returns to normal.

-------------------------------

"Well done, Mr Data." I say, transporting them from to the holodeck before they materialised was an excellent idea. They actually thought the ship was going to blow up."

How is it I think of all these good ideas?

Stalking Worf

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I have been getting a lot of strange messages lately.

It appears that I am being stalked by a woman who has designs upon myself.

This is not the sort of thing that happens with a Klingon. We are very 'upfront' about our relationships, and do not go in for such 'sneakiness'.

Here is the latest message:

Dear Worf,

You know you are the one for me; sooner or later, you and I will come together in joy and harmony.

Untrill then, your eternal love,

JD.

I have no idea who this mysterious 'JD' is; she seems to be a bad speller.

Naturally, Deanna is livid that I'm getting all these messages.

"When I find out who it is" she says, "I'm gonna tear her hair out!"

I have tried to pinpoint the direction the messages; they seem to be coming somewhere in the Bajor direction, near the wormhole.

The sensors must be disrupted in some way.

While I am looking, another message is coming in.

My darling Worf,

You don't know how much I desire you. Everyday I am thinking of yourself. The space deep in my heart wants to be filled with your love. And Dax the truth.

Your lover,

JD

Her writing skills are awful; she certainly can't spell, or write a note properly.

Deanna looks like she wants to explode.

"I don't know who this 'JD' is, but if I ever found out, there will be one less woman in the universe!"

I can't say it to Deanna, of course, but a Klingon enjoys women fighting over him; I just wish I knew who 'JD' was.

Probably some wrinkled old woman hundreds of years old.

TWQ: Island Essentials

This week's TWQ is inspired by the tv series 'Lost'.

You have crashed on a desert island. What are the five essential things you need to sustain yourself?

Be as imaginative or as weird as you like!

Here are my five items:

1: Swiss Army Knife: This will help in a lot of awkward cutting to do.

2: A working lavatory: There are certain things we all need!

3: A tent: Essential to protect yourself from tropical storms.

4: A book: "What to do when you crash on a desert island".

5: A tribe of natives. The chief has a beautiful daughter aged 20 whom he wants you to marry. The two of us can live in idyllic paradise for the rest of our days.

Now it's up to you...

Nic's Thoughts About Me

If you take a look at my blogfriend Nic's latest post on As My World Turns , she gives an interesting summation of myself:

Next up is the warm, the witty, the distinguished Captain Picard. A frequent visitor to Nic’s Place from a distant galaxy, Captain Picard has always been nothing but gracious, kind and encouraging. A real great blogfriend to have! Captain Picard’s blog is a highly entertaining peek into the life of a harassed and beleaguered Starship captain in the 24th century. You definitely won’t want to miss out on the fun there!

1. Random: Encouraging, champion, stoic, hidden mischief

2. I’ll tell you what song or movie reminds me of you:Song: Unchained Melody (Cyndi Lauper’s version). The lyrics remind me of the feelings you have for Bev. Feelings you will only admit to yourself, alone in your quarters, in the dark of night after having some good brandy.Movie: Close Encounters of the Third Kind. That is your life, you seek to make contact with new, emerging and undiscovered civilizations.

3. I’ll pick a color/flavor of jello to wrestle with you in. Since I’m not into jello wrestling, this is a hypothetical question:Since Earle Gray doesn’t make a jello flavor, I’m going to have to go with Sparkling Grape (made by adding ginger ale instead of water). You have hidden depth and many facets to you that are only shown under the right light. It is a surprising and welcome treat.

4. I’ll say something that only makes sense to you and me:Beware of wearing your red shirt on your initial visit to a planet

5. I’ll tell you my first memory of you:I found you through a comment you had made on Master Yoda’s blog and followed the link. There were only a few posts up as the blog had just started but I was amused and intrigued by the humor in the posts and kept coming back.

6. I’ll tell you what animal you remind me of:Deer b/c it denotes Gentleness, Caring, Sensitivity, Peace and Wisdom

7. I’ll ask you something I’ve always wondered about you:When will you ever admit to Bev how you feel? It’s so obvious to everyone. It’s almost a tangible entity, those sparks between the two of you.

A great summary, there, Nic.

Take a look at her blog for regular well-written posts.

In Trouble Again

I'm facing an Enquiry again.

It's amazing how often this happens; I seem to leave the Disciplinary Room via a Revolving Door.

As ever, it's Admiral Karchov, 'the screwdriver of Starfleet' who is asking the questions.

That meeting with the Zetek has caused all this.

"Now then, Picard", Karchov asks.

What happened to 'Captain?'

"We want to know know what happened when you and your Officers went to receive the Zetek. Eighteen months had gone into the planning to bring them into the Federation, yet you destroy all that in a few moments. We thought even you wouldn't make a mistake here."

Was there an insult somewhere there?

"Admiral" I say, "This wasn't my fault, but that of the being known as Q."

"So you say, but why is it this Q person always seems to show up on the Enterprise and nowhere else?"

"Errr...I can't really say; he seems to find our crew rather....amusing for some reason."

"I would think you encourage this sort of behaviour from him; instead of being firm, you play along. Let me tell you, your position as Captain is looking very precarious, and I'm recommending you get demoted to...."

Suddenly I notice that Karchov has changed into a frog.

"Rebit, Rebit."

Q again.

Karchov reappears.

"What happened to me?" Karchov shouts.

Q appears in the corner.

"Greetings, mon Capitano!"

"What are you doing, Q?"

"Well, we can't have you demoted, can we Jean-Luc? Where would I be without you to visit?"

He turns to Karchov.

"Remember, Admiral, I can do that anytime in the day, have you turned into a frog or demote you to an Ensign. What happened was my doing, and not Jean-Luc's."

"Errr...yes, I understand" Karchov whines, "Sorry about that, Q. My apologies, Captain Picard."

"Goodbye, mon Capitano...I'll see you soon."

Q vanishes.

For the first time, I don't need a stress pill after a Disciplinary.

Test: Are You An Ensign Or An Admiral?

Do you know your Bajorans from your Borg?

What is the trouble with a Tribble?

Below is a test provided by Joe Anderson. By answering the questions, you will be designated the rank between Ensign and Admiral.

It's called "Are You A Trekkie?

http://nerdtests.com/ft_startrek.php


Good luck; let me know how you get on in the comments.

Q At The Helm

.

Humans are so strange, aren't they?

They never fail to fascinate me with their absurd behaviour in all sorts of situations. The way they react when something happens makes them the peculiar beings that they are.

I decide to visit my old friend Jean-Luc Picard; whenever I do, I can be assured of a good laugh; this I needed, as my colleagues in the Continuum had beaten me at poker again.

Naturally, I like to make an entrance; at the time, Jean-Luc and his cohorts were in full diplomatic uniform meeting some nonentities.

How stuffy; time to liven it up a little.

I changed to uniforms to Mexican ones, put a cigar in their mouths and created a band playing lively music.

Much better! Then I appeared.

"Greetings mon Capitano!", "Your old pal Q thought he'd drop in."

Jean-Luc looked livid; he always tends to put that expression on when I visit him.

"Q!!" he bellowed, "Not now!"

There never seems to be a good time; he always pretends he's doing something important.

"This is very important!" he said, "The Zetek delegation, who are right here, are very formal, and will not tolerate your sort of behaviour. We want them to join the Federation. Now please go away!"

"Oh, Jean-Luc, they are not that important; they need loosening up in their diplomatic skills."

I transform the Zetek uniform into Mexican ones as well.

They look at each other and walk out in disgust.

"Q, you've ruined eighteen months of careful negotiations; do you realise the trouble I'll get into at Starfleet?"

"I'll put in a good word for you, if you like, Jean-Luc."

"You've done enough damage as it is, Q"

That's typical; he's never grateful for all the favours I do him.

It makes me wonder how he gets anything done witrh the crew he has.

Riker has been Commander for so long; he keeps recommending to Starfleet that Jean-Luc gets promoted.

Worf definately has an attitude problem; always the first to show aggression. Typical Klingon; shoot first, ask questions later.

The Betazoid, Troi is a flighty girl; she has Riker, but has moonlight flits to Worf.

That one with the visor, LaForge; no wonder he never gets women when he has one subject matter; engines. Yawn. And what is that jargon, he talks in? Even he probably doesn't know.

Data is a jumble of wires. A mixed-up metal man with an emotion deficit!

Wesley is one that drives me mad; I think he could beat me at poker in the Continuum.

His mother....well, if only Jean-Luc knew about her....she really has the hots for him, as the humans say.

Guinan is a bad one amongst them; I've dealt with her many hundreds of years ago; very tricky.

Well, obviously, Jean-Luc isn't in a party mood.

"Take these Mexican outfits off, Q!" he shouts.

"Oh, very well, mon Capitano."

With a click, the outfits are off.

"Q!!!!" he shouts, "Put our uniforms back on! Don't leave us here naked!"

"You might have said, Jean-Luc."

Time to leave the humans for now Hopefully I'll do better in the poker game after that refreshing visit.

TWQ: A Perfect Weekend

As it is the weekend, it might be appropriate to ask this:

What is your idea of a perfect weekend?

Here is my reply:

Though there are many answers to this, I can envisage two, one at home, the other away.

At home: A long lie in, following by keeping in touch with my friends on the internet. Then a visit to the cinema, then at night seeing a favourite DVD like 'The Hours', 'Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon' or 'LOTR'. The next day would be much the same.

Away: A visit to London, looking around the shops before having dinner at a great restaurant before going to the theatre. The next day, a full English breakfast before heading back home.

Now it's over to you....