Dancing With The Federation (Part One)

"I want to be out there in the battlezone, sir." I tell Admiral Hollister, "Why does the Enterprise have to be involved in PR stunts all of the time?"

"I appreciate your frustration, Captain." Hollister replies, "But remember that your ship is a Galaxy class. The flagship of the fleet. It's only natural that the Federation shoud want to see representatives of the best ship there is."

I can see that Hollister is trying to flatter me again, hoping that will persuade me. The trouble is, that usually does.

"So what do we have to do, sir?" I say grudgingly, knowing that what an Admiral wants, they always get.

"I'll tell you fully when I brief your senior staff." he tells me, as the two of us walk towards the Ready Room.

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With the senior staff assembled, they all listen to the Admiral.



"The Federation Television Network are keen for the public to see who the people are in she starships that defend our planets." he starts, "Therefore they are setting up a special Dancing With The Federation edition, in which four couples from the Enterprise will dance against each other in a competition. The winner to be judged by the public."

Bev's face light's up.

"I wanna do it!" she exclaims, "Come on, Jean-Luc, you know we'd win easily against these losers!"

"Err...Doctor Crusher is an accomplished dancer." I tell the Admiral, "I would be happy to partner her."

"Excellent." Hollister comments, "Now we need three couples."



"I'm a trained dancer." Ensign Jennifer Baxter declares, "Data has all dance steps in his programming. We would win easily."

"That's good." Hollister muses, "Two more to get."

"How about you, Mr Worf." I ask, "Would you and Jadzia like to take part?"

"Klingons do not take part in dancing competitions!" he snorts decisively.

"Number One?" I suggest, "How about you and Deanna?"

"Come on, Will." Troi urges, "You can do it!"

Riker agrees, albeit unwillingly.

"Well, we just need one more couple." Hollister tells me, "Who can we pick?"

"Hey! how about us?" shouts a familiar voice.



Ensign Britney. No..not her!

"T'Pol and I are great dancers. We really wow the people at the clubs with the routines we do..when we're sober that is."

"That's right." T'Pol confirms, "Brit and I will really wipe the floor with you lot."

Admiral Hollister looks a little embarassed. He doesn't know quite what to say.

"Err.." he stutters, "But you are both...errr...women."

"Got something against that, Admiral?" challenges Britney, "I thought the Federation was past that sort of discrimination."

Hollister has painted himself into the proverbrial corner.

"Of course we are." Hollister declares, "We'd be happy to have you two ladies as contestants."

"Yay!" shouts Britney, who does a high-five with T'Pol, "Sistah, let's dance to victory!"

To be continued...

TWQ: Five To Save The World

The Weekend Question (TWQ) this week asks to use your imagination. The world is in peril. Who are you going to call on to save it?

Name five people or groups who you would get to help save the world from a threat. Remember...ONLY five!

My answers are:

1: John McClaine (from the 'Die Hard' movies)

2: International Rescue (Thunderbirds)

3: Superman

4: Gandalf (from 'Lord of the Rings')

5: Sarah Connor (from Terminator 2: Judgement Day)

Now it's over to you...

Britney & T'Pol's New Vacation (Part Three)

Guest Poster: Ensign Britney

I've picked an awful place for my soulsistah T'Pol and I to have a vacation!

Thinking that Serennia IV would not throw us out as the planet have just opened to tourists and haven't heard of us, we decided to go. What we found is that it's a virtual rest home for the aged! Everybody is over 90. Naturally there are no nightclubs there where the two of us can enjoy a good rave.

------------

The two of us sit drinking Viridian Vodkas while sitting in the Pink Lady Bar. The place is deserted. I think we must be their first customers.

"What are we gonna do, Brit?" T'Pol asks me, "If you ask me, it's more fun being cooped up in the brig of the Enterprise than here."

"We can't stay like this, sistah." I tell her, "We've got to liven things up a bit. At the moment, it seems like everybody is having a miserable time, not only us. I think the younger relatives of the people here sent them to this place to keep them out of the way."



"I see what you mean, sweetie." T'Pol comments, "Let's get back to the Seaview Hotel and see what we can do to improve things.

When the two of us enter the hotel foyer, Pete the manager looks like he's running around and getting nowhere. We ask him what happened.

"The bingo caller had to go to hospital." Pete explains, "There is no one left to run it this afternoon. I have to be here in the foyer and..."

"We'll do it!" I exclaim. T'Pol look puzzled.

"You will?" Pete asks, "Thank you."

T'Pol and I walk to our room. She asks why we want to run a boring bingo session.

"We can make it a lot livelier!" I tell her, "But first I need to change."

------------

A little later, I can see all the old timers in position with their bingo cards.

"They're ready." T'Pol tells me, "Time to go out there."



Wearing my blonde wig and golden bustier, I stride out to the stage.

"ARE YOU READY FOR BINGO??!" I yell out.

They all wake up from the self-imposed sleep. The men all register their approval. So do the women. T'Pol stands by the bingo machine to draw the numbers out. As she shows me the ball, I yell it out. The number that gets the biggest cheer is 11 when I shout "LEGS ELEVEN." then jump up and do the splits on the stage.

When the game is over, I get lots of requests saying "Do another one, Missy!"

------

Four hours later, Pete comes over and thanks us by giving us bottles of Silurian Brandy.

"You did a great job there, girls, and saved the day." he says.

"No problem." I say, "It was great fun."

"Actually." Pete says, "I know this isn't your type of planet. I have a condo that I bought on the quiet. It's located on the planet Ellena. Miles of beaches, a bustling disco nightlife, and privacy when you need it."

"I've never heard of it." I tell him.

"Ah." Pete says, "You've got to be in the know. I hope you both enjoy it."

The two of us get on board the shuttlecraft and head for Ellena.

"You see, sistah." I tell T'Pol, "Some things do turn out all right."

"You're right, Brit." she replies, "All systems go!"

Britney & T'Pol's New Vacation (Part Two)

Guest Poster: Mirror T'Pol

Brit and I are on the way via shuttle to Serennia IV for our vacation together. She picked it because it seems we have been banned from all destinations in the galaxy due to the raucous behaviour we get up to.

Personally, I think there is nothing wrong with being a little lively. Anyway, the people on this planet have only opened to tourists this week, so we think they will be eager to accept us for business...and they probably haven't heard of us yet!

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"Almost there, sistah!" Britney says with delight, as the shuttle nears Serennia IV, "Then it's time for some mega-serious frolicking and partying."

"You're right there, honey." I say to my Deltan friend, "Let's hope we can last more than a few days before we are deported."

"Sweetie." she says with a sly look, "Even if we do, we're gonna make sure that every second counts by living it to the max."

------------

We touch down and get the hovercar to the Seaview Hotel. As we do, Brit starts to look around.



"I'm gettin' worried, T'Pol." he says, "While looking out, I haven't seen one single nightclub, and all the people on this planet seem to be over 100 years old."

"It might not be as bad as you think, Brit." I tell her, "Perhaps we just have to look out of town."

Privately, I'm rather worried, though.

We enter the doors of the Seaview Hotel. Some of the residents seem to have been sitting in the chairs so long there are spiders webs on their legs.

An old man approaches us.



"Hi girls." he cheerily says as he greets us, "I'm Pete, Manager of the Seaview. Glad to have you here. We need a little youth here."

"How old are most of the residents?" I enquire.

"They are all over 90." answers Pete, "It means every day I have to go and check whether they are still with us every morning...once I've made sure I am! Ha!Ha!"

Pete's joke falls flat with Britney who presses him about the facilities.

"Where is the nearest nightclub?" Brit asks.

"We don't have one of them anywhere on the planet." Pete replies, "But we do have an Afternoon Tea Dance you may wish to go to, or there is always bingo."

Britney winces.

"All right." she says, "Pete, just tell us where the nude beach is for now."

Pete looks shocked.

"Ladies, we don't have them." he answers, "If you go down and start taking off your clothes, the elderly people watching could suffer a mass heart attack, as their pacemakers could well explode!"

Brit and I go to our room.

"I'm sorry, sistah." she tells me, "We've come to the wrong place for us."

"Don't worry, honey." I reply, "I'm sure we'll think of something."

To be continued...

Britney & T'Pol's New Vacation (Part One)

Guest Poster: Ensign Britney

I happily jaunt into the quarters I share with T'Pol and tell her the exciting news.

"Guess what, soulsistah!" I exclaim, "I've found the ideal place for us to go on vacation!"

T'Pol looks at me with a slight cynical look. I can understand why.

"Brit, honey." she replies, "Every pleasure planet in the galaxy knows about us. We don't exactly have reputations as quiet people. They all know how we like to live it up and rave. Even the most raucous destinations have us on their 'banned' list. False names won't work."

"I know, I know." I tell her, "That's because we go to these established places where they will soon send messages to each other about who to look out for. What if we went to a place that is just opening?"



T'Pol's interest heightens. Her mirror-Vulcan logic begins to work, and she sees the sense in what I'm thinking about.

"You could have something there, Brit." she tells me, "But what if they already have news of us?"

"That's a chance we'll have to take." I reply, "Somehow, I suspect that in their first week of opening, they'll be keen to take anyone."

"Yeah, Brit." she agrees, "Tell the Captain, pack your chewing gum and we'll be on our way!"

---------------

The two of are in the shuttle bay, with our suitcases. Captain Picard and Beverly Crusher are there to see us off.



"I must admit." Beverly starts, "That I didn't realise Serennia IV was a vacation planet. I thought it was just a very quiet out-of-the way place that people rarely visit."

"It was." I tell her, "But it has started to open up to tourists, "This week will be their first official week."

"I see." Beverly comments in a worried voice.

T'Pol and I get aboard the shuttle. As we do, I'm sure I hear the doctor tell the Captain, "Those poor people on Serennia IV don't know what they are in for, Jean-Luc."

To be continued...

TWQ: Vacation Items

As the time is peak for going on vacation, TWQ (The Weekend Question) takes a look at items you forgot to take...amd ones you wish you hadn't bothered to bring.

What items do you wish you had bought along on earlier vacations, and what items did you find were completely unnecessary and a waste of space?

My answers are:

1: I could probably have done with bringing a book to record the names of some of those places we take camera shots of. How can I remember them while looking back.

2: Once I bought a cassette recorder with me on a trip to the US. It was huge, and hardly ever used it.

Now it's over to you...

The New Television (Part Three)

The senior staff have been waiting in eager anticipation for the new holographic television only to find that it is actually a model from the mid 20th century.

Now, with a bit of manouvering with the aeriel, the picture is finally clear...



"Good evening." he says, looking like an old hooror actor, "The is the news from the British Broadcasting Corporation. In today's news, sweet rationing is due to end as Queen Elizabeth will be crowned. Edmund Hillary is on the way to climbing Everest. Mr Churchill says he will contest the next Election. Also.."

"It's not only an old television, but it's a viewer into the past." summises Deanna.

"I think I'd prefer one that would view into the future." Riker drily comments, "We could plan things out a lot better."



"This is a wonderful device." Data concludes, "We in the 24th century will be able to see how life really was for those in that time period. This machine must have been dispatched to the Enterprise from a museum by mistake. Scientists will be fascinated....."

"Has anyone forgotten about me?" yells out Jennifer, who is still standing near the television, balanced on one leg, with an aeriel held up in the air. She topples over, and her whole body hits the television, smashing it to pieces. The valves flash and sparks fly.

The finished result is that the whole tv looks fit now for a Ferengi scrapyard.

--------

"That was fascinating, Jean-Luc." bev tells me as we walk out, "A brief glimpse into the past."

"We were lucky." I conclude, "We might have caught an old rerun instead."

The New Television (Part Two)

All the staff have been keen to see my new top-of-the-range holographic television, and I would have been proud to show it off.

However, it has arrived, and I feel a little let down by the result.



"Is this the model you asked for, Captain?" says Riker, although I can detect a hint of sarkyness in his tone.

"Of course it isn't, Number One!" I snap, "Wait until I call the shop."

"It appears to be a television set that was used in the mid 20th century." Data tells us with his trivia-packed mind, "This was composed of valves, had a monochrome picture and.."

"Never mind that, Mr Data." I tell him, "Do you want to watch me give a few choice 24th century phrases to the suppliers of this box?"



"Why don't we see whether it works first?" Bev suggested, "For all we know, it might be the real thing in a sort of traditional design."

"I somehow doubt it." commented, and moved forward to switch on one one of the large knobs at the front.

A screechy noise emits from it, and the screen is all hazy snow. Jennifer Baxter gets the aeriel that thats on the top of it, and the quality starts to change.

"BETTER!...WORSE..." everybody shouts as Jennifer moves the crude metal device.



Finally, as she stands with one leg raised and her arm up in the air, the picture becomes clear.

Everyone looks surprised. It's not the Federation tv channel as we were expecting....

To be continued...