The Race Afraid Of Women (Part One)

"Who is this delegate we are going to meet, Captain?" Riker asks me as we sit down to a meeting, "I have heard very little about him."

"Let's wait until they all come in before I explain, Number One." I reply, "There are a few delicate things I have to go through."

Riker looks puzzled, but complies as the senior staff assemble.

"Now then, everybody." I start, "We are about to welcome Ambassador Zoran from the planet Malakos. Well that is to say some of us will."



"What do you mean by that, Captain?" Deanna asks, "My empathic abilities detect a hint of nervousness from you."

I wish she could turn that off!

"It means, Counselor," I say, "That all women will have to be confined to quarters while the men talk to Ambassador Zoran."

All the women in the room look disgusted, and start talking at once. Seven talks about assimilating the Ambassador.

"Let me explain." I continue, "There are no women on the Planet Malakos. Only men are born there, and as a result, over the centuries, they have been afraid of encountering any women. It's a different culture."

Data looks puzzled, but Riker manages to ask the question that is on everybody's mind.

"If there are no women on Malakos." he says, "How do they errr.... increase in population and not die out?"

"They are very scientifically minded, Number One." I reply, "All their children are grown in test tubes, and the DNA is conditioned so that only men come out."



"That must be the most miserable planet in the galaxy." Jadzia comments wryly, "After all, no dates, no fun at night."

"I agree." Geordi answers, "Remind me not to go there. I wonder what he'd think of Wondawowman, the planet of the Amazons?"

I smile to myself at that remark. "Still." I say, the Ambassador will be there in a couple of hours. Mr Worf, ensure the women cannot be seen when the Ambassador arrives."

We all leave the Ready Room, but I see the women go back in for a meeting of their own.

I wonder if they are planning something mischievous?

To be continued...

Preparing For The Enterprise Christmas Party

I assemble the senior staff for a meeting. I'm not sure if they are going to like what I tell them.

"Hello everybody." I start, "At this time, we need to make some arrangements for an event coming up soon."

"It's not the Enterprise Christmas Party is it, Captain?" asks Riker.

"I'm afraid it is, Number One." I answer.

A collective groan comes round from everybody, even Data, and he has his emotion chip turned off.

"I thought you liked the party?" I ask them.

"We do." answers Deanna, "But the preparation seems to take forever, and it is only September."

A murmur of agreement trickles around the room.

"Well, it's best if we can sort these things out early." I tell them, "We have to decide how we are going to hold the party. Last year we had it in The Sands holographic nightclub. Now this year, I suggest..."

Seven stands up and interrupts me.



"I know how your party shall take place, Locutus."

Everyone turns round, astonished. Geordi almost wakes up and Worf looks disgusted.

"Indeed?" I ask, "Perhaps you'd care to elaborate on that?"

Seven gets a small disk out and places it in the videoviewer.

"What you are seeing is a recording made by my Cube Leader, Borg Queen 01." she starts, "It was recorded specially for the time the Party was to be discussed so that she could tell you what to do."

A few unprintable comments are made by various members of staff at this time. Ensign Britney releases a few colourful expletives that are hardly Starfleet protocol.

I must say, I agree with her, though!

The screen comes on with a familiar face.



"Greetings Locutus and other Enterprise staff." starts the Borg Queen, "I hope you are well. As my representative Seven of Nine will have informed you, I have instructions for you as to how the Enterprise Christmas Party will be carried out."

"I can't believe her nerve!" comments Deanna.

"You will listen!" Seven snaps back, "Anyone who fails to listen will be assimilated. Now be quiet!"

We carry on listening.

"Earlier this year." the Borg Queen continues, "I had a meeting with the Alpha Borg Queen, who is the Supreme Leader of the Borg race. She was aware of the Party that you had every year, and asked if she could come this year. Naturally, I said you would be very honoured to have a guest...WOULD'NT YOU, LOCUTUS?"

My head falls on the table in shock. Beverly treats me for the bruise I get as we continue to listen.

"So I can see you're excited about that, Locutus." the Queen speaks, "This is what will happen. One of your holodecks will be made to look like a Borg Cube. Our resident group The Strolling Drones will play, Borg will serve meals and drinks while you welcome our Great Leader as a special guest of honour at the party. I will escort her there, and you will greet her. I look forward to seeing you at the party in December."

The picture goes off, and Seven speaks to us.

"There you are, Locutus." she says, "Our Supreme Leader will be visiting a human starship for the first time. It is a great privilege for you. Start preparing for the event."

Seven leaves the room, quite pleased that her message has been delivered.

I, in the meantime, continue to bang my head on the desk.

"There, there, Jean-Luc." Bev says to me quietly, "Perhaps it will all go quite well?"

"I'm sure it will, Beverly" I answer somewhat sarcastically, "The Alpha Borg Queen is likely to assimilate everyone if she doesn't like the vol-au-vants or I put a step wrong if I have to dance with her."

No one can say anything as they agree with me.

What a memorable Christmas Party THIS is going to be!


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Editor's Note:

For those who didn't see the answer in my comments in the previous post, the world's longest running police drama is the Scottish series 'Taggart'. It's been going 25 years, and is still called that even though the actor who played the title character died years ago.

TWQ: Your Karaoke Song

Have you ever thought of getting up on stage to sing a karaoke song? TWQ (The Weekend Question) asks about it.

What song would you sing if asked to play in a karaoke contest? Name a few if you can't decide.

My answers are:

The audience are likely to head for the exits when I start as I have an awful singing voice, but for those masochists who wish to stay, here is the list.

Firstly, it would be Dancing Queen by Abba,

Others would be Sweet Caroline or Cracklin' Rose by Neil Diamond

A personal favourite would be American Pie by Don McLean

Now it's over to you...

But before I go, here's a Bonus Quiz.

Can you name the longest running police drama in the world? No looking on the internet! I'll give you the answer later in the comments.

Ro Laren's Secret Assignment (Part Three)

Guest Poster: Ro Laren

Things are going from bad to worse at Chez Silente!

Captain Picard assigned me to check on the Cardassian Ambassador Gul Vorak, who unknown to anyone, happens to be my boyfriend.

The two of us are at the restaurant trying to figure out what to do when the Captain and Beverly Crusher have arrived on a date. I have sneaked out and am watching them chat to Vorak, as they expect a contact to talk to him.

What do I do?

As I watch I see that Picard and Beverly are eying each other.



"Can't we go and have our meal, Jean-Luc?" whispers Beverly.

"Sure" he replies, "We can keep an eye on Vorak from our table."

This is my chance. I sneak into the kitchens and out into the alleyway. I'll have to gather my thoughts and figure how to solve everything.

The alleyway looks revolting. A real skid row place. There is a figure who spots me and approaches.

"Hey! Bajoran!" shouts the figure, who clearly has a female voice.



It's a Cardassian woman. Clearly, she doesn't like me.

"Want a fight, Bajoran?" she shouts, "Is that why you are here? I'll take you on anytime!"

Suddenly an idea comes to me that will solve all the problems. But I have to get her to co-operate. That isn't going to be easy. It's like talking to a snake.

"Who are you, Cardassian?" I ask.

"If it's any business of yours." she replies, "I'm Malana. What's it to you?"

"I'm Ro Laren." I tell her, "Would you like to have ten bars of latinum?"

"Who do I have to kill?" she answers with a laugh, "I hope it's you."

"Just go in the restaurant here, sit with the male Cardassian and tell him that you are sorry you are late for the date and imply you are a regular girlfriend."

"Are you for real, Bajoran?" Malana asks, "What's in it for you?"

"Never you mind." I reply, "Here are three bars; the other three will be here afterward."

She agrees and decides to go in. I return in the kitchen entrance, knock over a few waiters on the way, and watch behind the plant.

Malana enters, and sits with Vorak, going through the script. Picard seems content in knowing the Ambassador is only goes to see a Cardassian girlfriend, and not to do anything subversive.

After Picard and Beverly have gone, I approach Malana and tell her it's over.

"This will cost you, Bajoran." she says slyly, "I've figured it out what was going on. I'll keep quiet for now, but you may hear from me again."

----------------

The next morning, I present my report to the Captain.

He thanks me for it, but tells me that by chance he found out for himself.

"It seems the Ambassador just has a Cardassian girlfriend." he informs me, "He just likes a quiet evening out with her. We were suspicious for no reason, Ensign."

I've managed to hide my secret relationship from Cardassia, Bajor and the Federation. What about Melana? I suspect she will turn up like a bad credit sometime.

Ro Laren's Secret Assignment (Part Two)

Guest Poster: Ro Laren

My boyfriend and I are in a fix!

He is Ambassador Vorak, a Cardassian, and as I'm a Bajoran, we are not supposed to have any sort of relationship, as our races despise each other.

Captain Picard has sent me on an assignment to check what Vorak is doing when he vanishes, as Starfleet suspect he may be a spy. What they don't know is that when he disappears, he is secretly with me on one of our dates!

What a fix! If my Bajorian friends knew, no one will speak to me and they would stop sending me copies of Bajor Today.

---------

"What are we going to do, sweetie?" Vorak asks, as we sit in the discreet restaurant Chez Silente.

"I've no idea." I reply, "Somehow, I've got to give a good reason for you staying out of sight, without exposing me as your girlfriend."

Things then get even worse as the restaurant door opens to show the last two people I wanted to see.



Captain Picard and Beverly Crusher enter. They are dressed in their favourite 1940's outfits. I know the Captain likes to play the PI Dixon Hill in his holodeck program. So, a secret date for the Captain and Doctor Crusher!

I dive under the table rapidly and crawl across the floor to where the tall plants are. The waiters merely raise an eyebrow as they step over me while carrying plates.

The Captain has seen Vorak. He and Beverly walk over to him. I am watching the scene from behind a Salassa plant from the planet Fawna.

"Greetings, Ambassador." Picard says to Vorak, "I was unaware you went to Chez Silente. Are you waiting for someone?"

"Ahh...er..." Vorak hesitantly answers, and looks to the empty chair that I was sitting on.

"Expecting company?" Picard continues, thinking that he is about to meet a spy there.

"Err...yes...." Vorak continues.

"Don't mind if we wait do you." the Captain continues, and then drifts off into some Federation small-talk that would bore people to tears.

Now I've got to make a big choice. Do I come forward and declare that I'm Vorak's date and end both our careers, do I leave Vorak behind....or is there a third alternative?

To be continued...

Ro Laren's Secret Assignment (Part One)

Guest Poster: Ro Laren

"Ah, Ensign Ro." exclaims Captain Picard, "Please come in, I need to talk to you about a special assignment I have for you."

This sounds like trouble. There's an old adage about never volunteering for missions. On Bajor, we say if the Leader comes your way, it's time to hide.

No chance of doing that now. I enter the Captain's Ready Room. He has a cup of Earl Grey, all ready to drink. Deanna Troi is standing next to him.



"What is it, Captain?"

"We've had reports from Starfleet that Gul Vorak, the Cardassian Ambassador to Earth has been acting suspiciously recently." he starts, "On certain evenings, he drops out of sight and is nowhere to be found. I want you to track him and find out what he is up to."

Not that!

Vorak has been my secret boyfriend for a few months. We have to masintain a discreet relationship as the two of us would be ostracised from our respective societies. Bajorans and Cardassians are supposed to despise each other.

Captain Picard is asking me to spy on my boyfriend, who in truth is sneaking out to meet me in quiet, out of the way places. How can I get out of this?

"Vorak has a good reputation, Captain." I tell him, "I'm sure there is a perfectly good explanation."

"I'm surprised, Ensign." Picard replies, "I thought that you, a Bajoran, would delight in exposing a Cardassian as a possible spy."

"Are you alright, Ro?" asks Deanna, "I sense that you are extremely distressed for some reason."

That Betazed empathy she has!

I'll have to do it, otherwise someone else will get the mission. I'd rather be cleaning out warp plasma conduits.

"Err...very well, Captain, I'll be happy to do it."

"Excellent." he answers, "He is currently on Earth now. You can pick up his trail there tonight."

That's ironic. I was going to meet him there anyway!

------------

A few hours later, Vorak and I are holding hands in the Chez Silente restaurant, noted for it's discretion. The waiters are all Palas, a race of being who cannot speak.

I'm explaining the situation to Vorak.



"This is disasterous, sweetie." exclaims Vorak, "If we are found out it will be the end of our relationship as well as our careers."

"You're right." I reply, "We've got to try and solve this."

To be continued...

TWQ: Silly Song Titles

TWQ (The Weekend Question) this week looks at weird titles for songs.

What strange and amusing song titles have you come across? List as many as you wish.

My answers are:

Black Pudding Bertha - The Goodies

The Funky Gibbon - The Goodies

Leap Up And Down (Wave Your Knickers In The Air) - St Cecilia

What Can You Get A Wookie For Christmas (When He Already Owns A Comb) - Star Wars Intergalactic Choir and Chorale

There's A Guy Works Down the Chip Shop (Swears He's Elvis) - Kirsty MacColl

Two Pints Of Lager and a Packet Of Crisps Please - Splodgenessabounds

Now it's over to you...

Unimatrix Zero Mayoral Results

Guest Poster: Annika Hansen

After all the Campaigning of shaking hands and kissing babies...or was it the other way around?...it is finally over.

In the subconsious world of Unimatrix Zero, where the true personalities of the people the Borg assimilated can come to light if they have the recessive gene, I have been running for Mayor against my former lover Axum, who ran off with another woman, the awful Vi Toran.

The less said about Axum the better. When I found out he was two-timing me, he was soon ejected from my cave. I think even my Borg counterpart Seven of Nine would be proud of me...if she knew I existed in her mind!

All the citizens are gathering at the Central Plaza in the middle of Unimatrix Zero. They are keen to find out who will be telling them what to do for the next session. I hear that exit polls are close.

Korris, who is my Klingon Campaign Manager stands with me on one side of the stage, while Axum and Vi Toran stand on the other.



"You're going down, Hansen!" she sneers, "My lover Axum will win easily."

"I will be triumphant!" I declare, "The first thing I'll do is make Bajorans pay twice as much tax!"

The two of us get ready to fight, but are pulled back by Korris and Axum.

"Annika." Korris tells me, "The results are to be announced."

The Returning Officer gets up to declare.



I would have thought the authorities would have picked someone better than a Chameloid. They're not exactly good for Unimatrix Zero Television.

"Here are the results of the Unimatrix Zero Mayoral Elections." he declares, "There are twenty-one districts. The candidate who wins the most districts will be judged the winner."

Vi Toran and I continue to stick our tongues out at each other while this is going on.

"Candidate Axum....10 districts." he declares, "Candidate Annika Hansen....10 districts. One district failed to deliver their votes in before the allotted time, so the contest is judged a draw."

"What!!" I shout, "A draw? What happens now? Do we have another vote?"

"No." says the Chameloid, "You and the other candidate must work together as joint Mayors until the term of your office runs out."

"I'm not working with that two-timer!" I state flatly.



"And I'm not working with that woman!" Axum says with equal force.

"You will have to." the Chameloid states, "Or otherwise give up your Mayoral claim."

"Well I'm not!" I shout.

"Neither am !" Axum retorts.

"So be it." the Chameloid concludes, "Unimatrix Zero will be run by two Mayors, Annika Hansen and Axum."

Vi Toran glares at me with venom.

I think the Mayoral tenure is going to be rather stormy.