Life With Q

Things are just so boring in the Q Continuum right now.

Well they have been for the past six million eons. There just seems nothing to do around there. I can't play games with the other Qs because they know I always cheat.

We sometimes create a few panics for a few planets to liven things up a little.

It can be a whole lot of fun to create a comet and get it on a collision course with a planet, watch the citizens run around like headless Kvandas and just make the comet disappear or miss the planet at the very last moment.

But frankly, once one has done that a few hundred times, it gets rather humdrum.

What about the Federation though? They are always good for a few laughs. humans are so weird, they never do what a Q thinks they are going to do. They have no logic; except Vulcans that is. They are so bo-ring. I wouldn't invite them to my party; they would hardly be the life and soul.

Captain Kathryn Janeway is in a right mess isn't she? The Delta Quadrant isn't exactly around the block for them. That woman can't find her way out of a room with one door!

I could snap my finger and bring her right back, of course, but there is so much fun ahead of her in Voyager's journey back. I must admit, it is a treat to watch her. Give the lady a map someone!

Now how about my old friend Jean-Luc? Let's see what he's up to...

Hmm, the Enterprise is fighting a tough race known as the Sarvaal. Either ship could win at the moment.

I wonder if he'd like me to drop in and say hello? I'm sure he wouldn't mind. Jean-Luc always likes to see me.

"Evasive Pattern Delta 4" Jean-Luc tells his minions.

Doesn't he sound tough?

I'll change their uniforms to those of 19th century Mexican bandits and place a Mexican orchestra in the background.

"Q!!" Picard shouts.

How does he know it's me.

I appear in my Starflleet uniform.

"Hello Jean-Luc" I ask him, "I thought I'd drop in and see how you are."

"Change us back!" he shouts, "Can't you see we're fighting the Sarvaal? We might lose this!"

"Oh, nonsense, Jean-Luc!" I say, "You've got plenty of tough weapons here that will send those home with a headache!"

"Shields at 20%" shouts that Klingon, Worf.

"Do you hear that, Q?" Picard says, "Two more attacks and the shields will go down."

The orchestra keeps playing beautiful Mexican songs; they are playing to Deanna Troi, the only female on the Bridge.

"And get those musicians off!" he tells me; I think he's developing a headache. I make them all disappear.

"Shields at 10%!" Worf gloomily reminds us.

The Sarvaal are in the way; I make their ship disappear and materialise on their home planet.

"Thank you, Q" says Jean-Luc quietly.

"Does that mean I can be a member of your crew, Captain?" I ask. "Bags me for the First Officer job! Riker has had it too long."

"NO!" both Picard and Riiker tell me.

Oh, they are no fun today. I'll head back to the Q Continuum.

Maybe the other Qs haven't learnt Kadiscot properly yet?

I know how to cheat at that!