The Walt Springer Show (Part Two)

Continuing the transcript of 'The Walt Springer Show'

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Applause.

Walt Springer: "Hi folks, welcome back to the show. We're talking to the senior staff of the Starship Enterprise, and finding out what makes them tick. From 'tick', I think it would be good if we had a word with Lieutenant Commander Data."

Data: "Good evening, Mr Springer"

Audience: "Oooooooh!"

WS: "No need to be formal, Data; now, you're a robot, aren't you."

Data, "Actually, sir, I am an android, classed as an artificially life form created by Doctor Noonian Soong."

Audience: "Ooooooh!"

WS: "We don't need the long words, here, Data. The folks here just want to find out what turns you on."

Springer looks mischievously at the audience who fall about laughing.

Data: "Sorry, sir. I don't quite understand."

WS: "Well, Data, I mean how do you get activated in the morning?"

Data: "My internal clock will do that."

WS: "Doesn't anyone have a remote that can switch you on and off like a tv? It would sure help on space travel, wouldn't it, folks?"

The audience falls about laughing again.

Picard: "I don't think you need to bother Data again with your inuendo, Springer. Move on to someone else, quickly."

WS: "Yes, sure Captain. Don't want to upset the top banana of the Enterprise, do we? Now let's turn to Deanna Troi. My, you are a colourful character aren't you, Deanna?"

Deanna: "What do you mean?"

WS: "Well, you have all these boyfriends of yours. On reflection, I think I could have had an entire show built around your love life!"

Audience howls with laughter.

WS: "Now let's see, you have a boyfriend who is Commander Riker here, but you also like Lieutenant Worf. He has an admirer in Lieutenant Jadzia Tax, who has recently transferred to the Enterprise...so tell me Counselor, who is with who, now?

Deanna: "I don't wish to discuss my private life here."

WS: "But, Deanna, ALL people come on this show to discuss their private lives."

Riker: "Listen, Springer, Deanna says she's not going to discuss her private life here, so button up, or you'll have me to deal with."

Audience: "Oooooooh!"

WS: "That's ok, folks, I think I'm safe. Commander Riker is partial to donuts, and I don't think he's visited the Enterprise gym in a long while. "

Audience laughs wildly.

WS: "Anyway, we need to sort out this weird 'Menage a' Troi", so let's invite our special guest on to the stage.... Lieutenant Jadzia Dax!"

Dax walks on to the stage. Picard puts his head in his hands again.

WS: "Now, then, Jadzia, can you clarify this for all of us?"

Jadzia: "Oh, sure, Walt. There I was, perfectly happy to have Worfie all to myself, but the Troi woman comes along and says he is hers, even though she goes with Commander Riker. Fortunately, after a competition, I have Worfie all to myself, and she is stuck with Riker. Isn't that true, Worfie-baby?:

Worf: "Er, yes, Jadzia."

Deanna: "I should have won that competion, Dax!"

Jadzia: "I won it fairly, Troi!"

The two women dive at each other and start tearing and pulling at each other's hair, and scratching their faces. Minders come quickly and place the in different chairs far apart from each other. The studio beeper is on overload in the producer's room.

WS: "Whew folks! I think we'd better take a break and resume after these words from our sponsor, Ferengi Fshnets. Remember their motto: 'Legs Make A Profit'. See you again in a few moments."