The Omega Dimension (Part One)

Guest Poster: The Borg Queen

I am really feeling rather bored today; we on Unimatrix 01 haven't assimilated a single species all week.

As a result, I shouted at two drones and had them disconnected just because they did not bring me my favourite nourishment this morning. They should know I like cornflakes, and not Rice Krispies.

However, I've thought of something that'll cheer me up. I shall assimilate the crew of the Enterprise. It's about time I did that for Locutus. I can get Seven Of Nine back on my Cube as well. It will raise the morale of the Cube as well, as I know the drones like having Seven Of Nine around.

---------------

I send Seven a message via the Hive Mind, and she agrees to stand by. I know where their ship is, so we shall collect them. I have had the drones clean the Assimilation Chamber. Seven has given me a list saying who she wants first in the queue.



"Put Beverly Crusher first in the queue!" she tells me, "This doctor had the audacity to tell me I used to be a human named Annika Hansen."

I think I ought to keep quiet on that subject to Seven; I think the truth might distress her.

-------------

A few hours later, we appear in Alpha Quadrant space after using the Transwarp Corridor; the Enterprise is nearby. I open hailing frequencies.

"Hello Locutus." I say pleasantly, "This is the Borg Queen of Unimatrix 01. Prepare to be boarded and assimilated."

Locutus looks panic stricken. His lackey Riker has dropped a donut he was eating, and all the alarm bells are going on their ship.

"You said you were not going to assimilate us as we had Seven on the ship." protests Locutus.

"Indeed I did." I reply, "But we need Seven to complete a mission in the Delta Quadrant soon, so we wish to have her back. Your usefulness has ended, so we will now assimilate you. Thank you for looking after her, by the way."

"Can't we come to some sort of negotiation?" Locutus asks, "If we give you Seven, you could let us go as a favour."

I consider this, but the bad mood I was in outweighs everything.

"Sorry, Locutus." I say, "The Assimilation Chamber is all ready. Look on the bright side, you will be made my deputy, rather than a common drone. Quite an honour."

The Captain starts to protest, and looks to the Klingon to discuss tactics. As he does, a giant noise is heard. It rocks both the Cube and starship.

What is going on?

Part of space nearby has been ripped open. Borg sensors reveal nothing previously encountered. It is a rift into poisonous fluidic space where no life can exist.

A strong gravity pull is drawing both ships towards it. Our engines cannot prevent the pull. Unless we can stop it, both the Enterprise and Unimatrix 01 will be destroyed when it enters the dimensional rift.

I knew this would be a bad day when I didn't have my cornflakes.

To be continued...

Ensign Britney

I am talking in my Ready Room with Admiral Newman, head of Starfleet Recruitment.

"So what is the new recruit to the Enterprise like, Admiral?" I ask.

He appears appears unwilling to answer.

"Err, ahh, Captain." he attempts to say, "You must understand that the Federation have been eager to recruit a Deltan into Starfleet. There hasn't been one on a starship since the 23rd Century. We're hoping to make amends for that unfortunate mishap."

"What do you mean, Admiral?" I enquire. I know he's holding something back.

"The Academy has been somewhat...errr....over lenient with the new recruit." he continues, "Normally, she would have got expelled for her wild behaviour, but we have tended to let her have her own way. We're hoping that a spell on a starship will reform her."

I groan. More problems for me and the crew to handle. The Admiral signals for the recruit to be bought in.

"Captain" he announces, "This is Ensign Britney."



She walks in grudgingly, wearing baggy clothes and slumps in the chair, looking bored.

"Ensign!" I say sharply to her, "Why aren't you in uniform?"

Ensign Britney looks bored and takes the chewing gum out of her mouth and puts it under the chair, then shrugs her shoulders.

Admiral Newman coughs discreetly in my direction and whispers "Leeway, Captain."

He then rises and heads for the door quickly.

"I'll leave Ensign Britney in your care, Captain Picard." Newman says, and walks out, as if he can't wait to leave the ship. I then turn to talk to Britney.

"Now then, Ensign." I start, then look closely, "Were you not one of the women in that 'Dial-A-Deltan' commercial on my computer last week?"

"Yeah." she replies, after getting the chewing gum and putting it back in her mouth, "Were you looking for Deltans to date?"

"Certainly not!" I tell her, "It came by me
as some spam, besides I don't have to explain myself to you, Ensign."

"Yeah, I believe you." she laughs, "Although a few wouldn't, I should think!"

This young girl is in danger of being shown the fast way out of the Enterprise via the nearest airlock.

"Don't forget there is discipline on board this ship." I remind Britney, "And although I have been instructed by the Admiral to give you a little leeway, you may end up in the brig for insubordination. Do I make myself clear."

"Ok," she says, "Keep your hair on, Captain; I'll do my best."

-------------------

A few hours later, I'm getting a call from Guinan.

"Come down her, Captain." she says, "That new Ensign is driving me crazy!"

I go down there; as I enter, I hear noisy music and see a figure dancing on one of the tables.

A lot of crewmembers are clapping along as Britney dances around, wearing tight jeans and a red bra.

I wince; order seems to have broken down already, and she has only been here a short time.

"ENSIGN!" I shout loudly, but no one hears me, as the noise is so loud. Eventually I get the music turned off, and everybody groans, as if I'm spoiling the party.

"What's up, Captain?" asks Britney, "We were just having a good time."



I get an off-duty member of security to escort Ensign Britney to the brig. I have the idea that this troublesome Deltan will spend more time there than in her regulation quarters!

TWQ: Romantic Music

TWQ (The Weekend Question) goes very romantic and askd you about music:

What selection of music would you play in the background while having a romantic dinner with someone? (Pick as many as you want).

My answers are:

Classically speaking the music of Prokofiev's Romeo and Juliet might be a good choice.

Herb Alpert's 'This Guy's In Love With You'

Stevie Wonder's 'Ma Cherie Amour'

Liberace's gentle playing of 'I'll Be Seeing You' could be a final choice.

Now it's over to you...

Stardates

I've called the senior staff together in my conference room to discuss the latest directive that I've had from Starfleet.

"I'll read this out to you all." I tell them, "It says: All Starfleet Staff must use stardates when referring to times. It is not the policy of the Federation to use Earth-type dates."

"How can we do that, Captain?" protests Geordi, "It is far too complicated to learn."

"I agree." says Deanna, "I much prefer to say something like 'next Tuesday' rather than quote a lot a numbers that I struggle to understand."

"What about you, Data?" I ask.

"Naturally, I am programmed with a full understanding of how it works." he tells us, "But it may be confusing for people like yourself to understand it."

Was I just insulted then?

"How about you, Captain?" Riker says to me, "I would have thought as Captain, you might know that."

"Sadly, Number One" I reply, "I came bottom in the Stardates test at the Academy, and with little knowledge of it, I just managed to make it as Captain."

Everybody starts talking at once, and it seems that with the exception of Data, none of us are very good at interpreting stardates.

"What about Captain Kirk?" Beverly asks me, "He always used to know the stardates from what I've heard about his missions."

"That is not quite true, Doctor." Data tells her, "His estimantions were always wrong, and it appears he just picked a few numbers to say at random, and his crew assumed he knew all about stardates."

"Stardates are irrelevant!" snaps Seven, "When you are all assimilated, you will have no need to concern yourselves whether to think in Earth or stardate time. You will act as drones."

Trust Seven Of Nine to put a damper on everything. Worf looks ready to say something.

"Why should we go by these times." he tells us, "Klingons neither accept stardates nor earthtimes. We go by the times on the Klingon homeworld."

This meeting seems to be falling apart.

"Please remember everybody," I try to say to them, "We are here to see if we can learn stardates. We can always use earthtime on the ship, but use stardates when dignitaries are around."

Everybody seems happy at this, and I ask Data to explain it to us.

-----

After a while, we each have a huge headache, as Data tries for the fifth time to explain:

On April 6, 2377, Stardate 54868.6 would be 0.8686 of the way to the end of Stardate year 54000. If Stardates represent thousandths of a year, and an average Earth year comprises about 365.2422 mean solar days, then April 6, 2377, is 317.249375 days into Stardate year 54000. (0.8686 x 365.2422 days = 317.249375 days)

Therefore, Stardate 55000.0 takes place 47.992825 days after April 6, 2377. (55000.0 - 54868.6 = 00131.4 Stardates = 0.1314 year = 47.992825 days)

So, with some simple arithmetic, one can see that Stardate 55000.0 falls on May 24, 2377, making May 24 or May 25 the Stardate New Year on Earth (depending on leap years on the Earth calendar).

"So, for example, today is Stardate 46751.19" Data continues to tell us.

Gradually, one by one, people shake their heads, and I ask Data to stop.

"It is really easy, Captain." he tells me, "If you just let...."

"No, Data." I tell him, then inform the staff, "I think we'll adopt the Captain Kirk method. Making up random numbers is a far simpler way."

Everybody agrees; earth time is much better!

A Slight Tiff

Guest Poster: Deanna Troi

I'm in Ten Forward with Will, enjoying my daily chocolate sundae. I'm in a good mood (giggle!), after he had to leave the Enterprise for a few days last week. I'm keen to make amends for having him miss the Valentine Dance.

"Will." I tell him, "How about we recreate the Valentine Dance in the holodeck? We'll be the only living people there. It'll be even better than the real one!"

"Deanna, that's a great idea." he replies, "That sounds perfect."

"Well, I am keen to make it up, imzadi." I whisper to him softly, "The Cappy will let us have the time off. It will make up for Valentine's Day, where you didn't have a single kiss; after all, you were only with Ro Laren, and I know you don't like her!"

My Betazoid empathic senses start ringing bells, as if the Enterprise is under an attack from alien invaders. Will is avoiding something, and I touched a raw nerve of his.

"WHAT!"I exclaim, almost dropping my sundae, "Don't tell me you actually DID kiss her?"

"Err..yes, Deanna, but let's not get too hasty." he tells me, "It was just one kiss, and it was for Valentine's Day. Ro and I agreed that it won't happen again."

"Too right it won't, Will Riker!" I shout, "There won't be any kissing between us as well."

People start looking around and whispering to those they are with, and also pretending that they are not overhearing.

"Shh, Deanna, calm down." Will says, "Others are listening, let's go and discuss this amicably in your quarters."

"End of discussion! You and I are through!" I state promptly, and pour the sundae in his lap.

I'm sorry I had to do that, as I was enjoying that sundae. I order another one, then go to my quarters and have a weep.




That Laren woman! Why is it I seem to have so many rivals? I fought a lot of tussles in the past with Jadzia Dax over Worf. Is it a Bajoran I'm having trouble with now?

-----------------

After a while, when the evening is about to start, I walk down to Ten Forward. Guinan is there, getting everything ready.

"I heard what happened, Deanna." she says, "Well, EVERYBODY did, come to think of it."

"Yes," I sniff, "Will and I are through." I use a tissue to wipe my eyes.

"Do you really want that to happen?" she asks me.

"No!!!!" I weep, "I want my Will, and I don't want her to have him!".

She passes me another tissue and I blow my nose. My mascara is running down my face and I look very scary in the mirror.

"Look, Deanna." says Guinan, "If you want Commander Riker, build yourself up and go get him!"

I know she's right; I'll go back to my quarters for a costume change.

--------------------

An hour later, I am marching down the Enterprise corridors. I see Will; he happens to be talking to Ro Laren. I have my best outfit on.



"Aren't you supposed to be on the Bridge, Ensign?" I say to Ro in my best superior tone, then grab Will, who is still staring wide-eyed at my dress.

"Come on, Commander!" I tell Will, "You and I have an appointment in the holodeck. There is a belated Valentine party going on."

"Thanks for forgiving me, Deanna." he tells me as we walk there.

"That's alright, Will." I reply, "Just remember that there are plenty of other chocolate sundaes on the ship."

Starfleet Spam

In the dark ages of computers, that is before they talked to us, and we actually had to use a keyboard and type messages on them, there was something called spam...



No, I'm not talking about that edible food that people used to have before it was oulawed and found to be dangerous for all.

This type of spam was sent by unscrupulous computer users in the hope they would answer them, and cause damage to their hard drive.

The trouble is, they seem to have returned here in the 24th Century; what's worse, when I switch my computer on to record my Journal, I have to endure the computer's voice telling me all these absurd things.

The fact that the computer sounds like Lwaxana Troi is even worse!

Here is what the computer said and displayed to me today...

Dear Mr Picard,

I am an inhabitant of the planet Idiota. I am well known there, as I am very rich, with a personal wealth of 24 quintillion Credits. As there has been talk of an uprising recently, I am keen to move my wealth off the planet as soon as possible. If you will give me the account of your bank, we can send it through there and split the difference. Thank you for your support.

Abeeg Frawd

--------------

Data happens to hear this at the same time.

"Perhaps you should help Mr Frawd, Captain? He sounds like he is in some distress."

I just hope that Data never gets any spam sent to him. Here is another..

Were you lonely on Valentine's Day? Don't be any longer with Date-A-Deltan! If you send us 500,000 Credits, you will get a beautiful woman from the planet Delta. She might be like Ilia or Britney (below)!





Lots of Deltans waiting for you!

I don't think Bev would be too keen me considering that. I hurriedly move on before anyone comes into the room.

Have a planet named after you! There are countless planets in the Delta Quadrant waiting to be named. Send us 50,000 Credits and you will get a signed certificate with a named planet! We will tell you what sort it is. If you're lucky, you might get an M-class planet that you'll be able to visit in the near future! Call us at Star Trick!

This is ridiculous! Just one more....

Are you embarassed at having to order 'certain medications' in the shops? That will happen do longer. Just do it over the computer. Everything will be in utter confidence, and you can look forward to your parcel. You'll know which one it is, as it has our label 'Embarrassing Medications' stamped on it.


-------------------

I decide to try and call Admiral Jordan about this spam; I hadn't been able to get through at first. He comes on the screen.

"Sorry I couldn't answer the first time, Captain Picard." he tells me, "I thought your message was a spam one, as you put that in the voice title. Incidentally, I'm in a good mood, as I've just had a star named after me in the Delta Quadrant."

I groan.

"You haven't tried to get half of 24 quintillion credits, or get a date with a Deltan, or ordered any medication lately, have you, sir?"

He looks very red-faced.

"Err...yes, all of them, Captain Picard." he admits.

When I tell him that he is the result of being conned, he vows to close down all spam by putting them on scrambler, making them impossible to come on our computer.

I'm sure those in the 21st Century would have welcomed that happening.

TWQ: Tiresome Tasks

This week's TWQ (The Weekend Question) asks about things we don't relish doing:

What tasks, everyday or not, do you never look forward to doing?

My answers are:

Both my answers involve vacations, from different points of view.

1: The planning of a vacation is something I dread every year. The high cost of them makes me concerned whether it is the 'right' one, and the amount of money I might have wasted if it turns out not to be so good.

2: The long wait to get on a plane at airports and the customs at the destination, together with picking up the luggage etc makes it all very stressful. With increased security these days, it makes it more uncomfortable than ever. All this applies to the embarkation and disembarkation of a liner as well.

Now it's over to you...

Deleted (Part Three)

Guest Poster: Ro Laren

Since Will Riker and I have been deleted to the Starfleet memory banks, the two of us have decided to sort things out for ourselves.

Picard was no help; he even wanted us confined to quarters as we were technically civilians. That's Starfleet officialdom for you!

I've persuaded Riker to use a little Maquis trickery; we are going to break into the main computer room on Earth and put the matter right. It was easy to get through Earth's defences; they were more interested in their Valentine parties!

-------------------

As we have landed near Starfleet Headquarters, we start to head in that direction. We still hear noise in the darkness.

"Surely the parties have ended by now." I ask.

"You haven't been to a Valentine Party at Starfleet HQ, have you Ro?" comments Riker, "They can last for quite a few days. Fortunately, it's useful for us."

Some people are coming out; we hide behind the bushes.

I see Boothby, the Head Gardener of Starfleet Academy Gardens come out laughing. He has a gorgeous young blonde woman with him, and a brunette on his other side. They all look like they are enjoying themselves.

"How is he so popular?" I ask Riker.



"Oh, Boothby is very popular with the female cadets." Riker tells me, "It's probably why he likes working in the Academy Gardens.

After they've gone, we start to move, but there is more noise; a teenager is coming out with an amazonian woman who prods him with a spear every so often.

"It's Beverly's son Wesley" Riker tells me, "With him is Karena, the amazonian princess from Wondawowman. He has to look after her by orders of the Academy."

I roll my eyes. What a place.

-----------------

At last, all is quiet, and we head into the Computer Building. All is silent and dark.

We see a sign marked 'Database Terminal' and head there. A light is on. As we enter, we see one person in a white coat. He turns round in surprise.

"Oh...who are you?" he exclaims.

This man has dark glasses, looks like a Starfleet nerd and is looking at a video screen with lots of names.

"I'm Ro Laren and this is Will Riker." I tell him.

"Oh dear" he says quietly, "I thought you might show up, but I was hoping no one would notice."
"What do you mean?" Riker asks.

"My name is Varda" he tells us, "I was given the job of transferring the the B-LOGAR File from the old to the new version on the database. I didn't do too good a job and the first two names disappeared completely."

"Which were us!" I sigh.

"Errr....that's right." admits Varda.

"Well put us back!" Riker yells at him, "I want to get back to the Enterprise."

"Errr...I had just figured out how to do that." Varda says hesitatingly, "Now give me a moment....don't rush me....there! You're on! Sorry about that. Hope it wasn't too inconvenient."

Riker has to restrain me from saying just how inconvemient it was, although I think he agrees.

-----------------

Hours later, we are both back on the Enterprise. In his Ready Room, Captain Picard admits that he actually let us escape so that we would solve the problem.

"Sorry that you've missed the Valentine Dance, Number One." he tells Riker, then turns to me; "There was a Bajoran Ambassador asking for you, Ensign Ro."

Deanna Troi enters and sees Riker. She kisses him.

"Welcome back, imzadi." she says softly, "That was your belated valentine kiss."

Riker and I keep it to ourselves that he had already had a kiss on Valentine's Day.


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Authors note: This is all based on the fact that I lost Ro and Riker when changing to BetaBlogger, and they had to be completely re-installed.