Sunday, February 25, 2007

Ensign Britney

I am talking in my Ready Room with Admiral Newman, head of Starfleet Recruitment.

"So what is the new recruit to the Enterprise like, Admiral?" I ask.

He appears appears unwilling to answer.

"Err, ahh, Captain." he attempts to say, "You must understand that the Federation have been eager to recruit a Deltan into Starfleet. There hasn't been one on a starship since the 23rd Century. We're hoping to make amends for that unfortunate mishap."

"What do you mean, Admiral?" I enquire. I know he's holding something back.

"The Academy has been somewhat...errr....over lenient with the new recruit." he continues, "Normally, she would have got expelled for her wild behaviour, but we have tended to let her have her own way. We're hoping that a spell on a starship will reform her."

I groan. More problems for me and the crew to handle. The Admiral signals for the recruit to be bought in.

"Captain" he announces, "This is Ensign Britney."



She walks in grudgingly, wearing baggy clothes and slumps in the chair, looking bored.

"Ensign!" I say sharply to her, "Why aren't you in uniform?"

Ensign Britney looks bored and takes the chewing gum out of her mouth and puts it under the chair, then shrugs her shoulders.

Admiral Newman coughs discreetly in my direction and whispers "Leeway, Captain."

He then rises and heads for the door quickly.

"I'll leave Ensign Britney in your care, Captain Picard." Newman says, and walks out, as if he can't wait to leave the ship. I then turn to talk to Britney.

"Now then, Ensign." I start, then look closely, "Were you not one of the women in that 'Dial-A-Deltan' commercial on my computer last week?"

"Yeah." she replies, after getting the chewing gum and putting it back in her mouth, "Were you looking for Deltans to date?"

"Certainly not!" I tell her, "It came by me
as some spam, besides I don't have to explain myself to you, Ensign."

"Yeah, I believe you." she laughs, "Although a few wouldn't, I should think!"

This young girl is in danger of being shown the fast way out of the Enterprise via the nearest airlock.

"Don't forget there is discipline on board this ship." I remind Britney, "And although I have been instructed by the Admiral to give you a little leeway, you may end up in the brig for insubordination. Do I make myself clear."

"Ok," she says, "Keep your hair on, Captain; I'll do my best."

-------------------

A few hours later, I'm getting a call from Guinan.

"Come down her, Captain." she says, "That new Ensign is driving me crazy!"

I go down there; as I enter, I hear noisy music and see a figure dancing on one of the tables.

A lot of crewmembers are clapping along as Britney dances around, wearing tight jeans and a red bra.

I wince; order seems to have broken down already, and she has only been here a short time.

"ENSIGN!" I shout loudly, but no one hears me, as the noise is so loud. Eventually I get the music turned off, and everybody groans, as if I'm spoiling the party.

"What's up, Captain?" asks Britney, "We were just having a good time."



I get an off-duty member of security to escort Ensign Britney to the brig. I have the idea that this troublesome Deltan will spend more time there than in her regulation quarters!

30 comments:

Susan Helene Gottfried said...

LOVE it!!! My goodness, the gum!! I'm howling!

Here from Michele; glad to have stopped in.

Vampirella said...

boy.. she does sound wild.. Maybe you should intro her to 7

Hotstuff said...

wow now that is my type of party a girl on the table

Frau Madgalena said...

Hmm.. I like the bald head though I wouldnt shave my head

squirrel said...

That girl is causing trouble everywhere!!

Kristi Mantoni said...

Can't you feed her to the Borgs????

Titania Starlight said...

I can't get over the pic of what looks like Ensign Britney giving birth to a chihuahua! EEEEK! :o)~

Viamarie said...

Hope you had a wonderful weekend.

Happy Monday!

Linda said...

Just do me a favor and keep her away from Riker and Worf! But feel free to give her to Ensign Crusher ...

WindWhisperer said...

"Ooops she did it again...."

Marlene said...

Hahaha... I accidentally came across your blog. Ow... uh... I'm sorry Captain for laughing so freely. But may I say something? .......... (I that for a yes ;) I agree with Kristi, give her an one-way ticket to the Delta Quadrant, I'm sure the Borg will pick her up!

Greetz from Holland and give my regards to Admiral Janeway when you speak her. ;)

Gyrobo said...

Starfleet's really gone downhill.

Barbara said...

This is too funny.

Bernard said...

Hey.. birds of a feather flock together.

... err.. i mean .. of the same hairstyle.

... err.. i mean .. lack of haristyle.

Merlyn Gabriel said...

wow, Captain... I guess getting new recruits is getting harder and harder...I am betting if you send her over here Lord Vader will show her the error of her ways...

well, maybe not. Maybe you could pair her with Seven of Nine, that might show the new recruit the error of her ways.

xxs
Merly

Professor Xavier said...

Is that a dog in your lap or are you just happy to see me?

Jaime H. said...

LOL...*definitely* introduce her to Seven.

Jean-Luc Picard said...

She and Seven might be in the same post in the near future.

The Delta Quadrant is another good idea, although it might be too cruel to the Borg to send her there.

Welcome to those who haven't commented before.

Ellee said...

Wow, she's going to rock the spaceship for sure, or will it be a calming influence.

Ellee said...

Many thanks for your quality post recommending people to my site, much appreciated.

Anonymous said...

Oh very topical! Don't let her near Delta she'll have him completely flumoxed.

Susan from celadon pool

A Army Of (Cl)One said...

Thank goodness somebody explained that that was a dong on her lap. At first I thought she had forgot to shave, but then I saw here head.

Michael Manning said...

A buddy of mine once described Elvis' meltdown with simplicity this way: "His life was just so blown out of proportion". This is a great post and my buddy's point about Elvis Presley applied to Britney. Sad but true. Great writing here-as usual!

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

What I find unusual is that Detans consider humans an sexually immature species and that Ensign Britney herself seems kind of... ah...

Uh, what was I talking about again?

slskenyon said...

Brilliant. I'd like to see what Wesley thinks of her.

Christie said...

hahahah, keep your hair on! i think that ensign needs a swift kick in the tight jeans.

The Mistress of the Dark said...

LOL..I'd toss her out into outer space...though I don't think she'd notice, since she's already there.

Ellee said...

Does Britney have to wear a wig on your spaceship?

Jean-Luc Picard said...

Ellee, Deltans are naturally bald, so would not wear a wig.

My pleasure to include you in 'Quality Posts'.

Tak, yes, that is a dog on her lap; what the dog think, I don't know!

I'm sure Britney will be appearing again in the near future.

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