What To Wear?

Guest Poster: The Borg Queen

Naturally, a being with such a powerful responsibility such as myself has to make some difficult decisions. It can be hard to decide whether to assimilate this race or the other.

However, I have an even harder choice to make: what dress do I wear when attending the Enterprise Christmas Party next week?

Naturally, I want to look impressive. It doesn't do any good just to assimilate anyone who has a better dress on than I do. Admittedly, it would solve a lot of problems, but I have agreed with Locutus to leave that side of myself at the door and come and have fun, wearing a paper hat, pulling crackers and dancing to such musical pieces like I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday.

One One and One Two, the drone interior designers have come to assist me in this matter.

"Oh you can't you wrong with a little black dress." One One begins, "They are always so timeless and classical."

"Surely you want something different?" One Two counters, "Many women wear black dresses. The latest fashion is deep red, I suggest a long dress of that colour, slashed to the thigh"

"So predictable." One Two retaliates, "Red is indeed outstanding, but is very common. If you do not wish black, choose a lilac colour, with a jewel necklace. The dress should have a deep v-neck at the front so everybody can see your..."

"Enough!" I shout. I can see I'm not getting anywhere with these two, who are just making wild guesses, and send them out.

There's only one thing to do. get in contact with Seven. She should be regenerating in her alcove at this time on the Enterprise.

-----------

"Seven." I call out, using the Hive Mind, "This is the Borg Queen. Is it alright to talk now?



"Yes, my Queen." she replies, "I have just reached my alcove after listening to a most unpleasant health and safety lecture from Mr La Forge. It was my job to nudge anyone who fell asleep. I was very busy."

"Indeed." I comment, "Seven, I have a problem. As I am attending the Enterprise Christmas Party on Wondawowman next week, I need you to tell me what is currently in fashion, and what the females on the Enterprise will be wearing."

"That is very difficult, my Queen." replies Seven, "The females on this ship guard their party dresses with their lives. I believe Beverly Crusher has hers locked away in a high security vault with an electric forcefield surrounding it. Locutus had to be treated for shock when he tried to get a look without her knowing. Thwe other females have much the same sort of protection."

"That is unfortunate." I comment.

"Indeed." Seven continues, "However I do know that the women to wish to outdo each other. Their outfits are bound to be as revealing as possible. The Deltan female known as Britney has no scruples and does not bother with such competition, and could come in just about anything."

"That is enlightening, Seven." I answer, "It would seem that I have some tough competition should I wish to win in the fashion stakes."

"I'm sure that you will, my Queen." Seven tells me, "We have assimilated many fashion designers in the past. I'm sure the Hive Mind will come up with a gown to satisfy you."

"A good thought, Seven." I reply, "I will see you next week."

Checking On The Party

"We're going to have to go to Wondawowman to make sure that everything is laid out properly for the Christmas Party next week." I tell Bev.



"I'm not too sure if that's a good idea, Jean-Luc." she replies, "Queen Diana isn't going to take kindly to any overseeing by a man. Remember, it's a planet of amazons, where my daughter-in-law Karena comes from. Best to take a step back from the planning and let them handle it."

"I know what you mean, Bev." I continue, "But if they haven't got enough vol-au-vents or other party food, then they are not going to be able to find any at short notice. They refuse to use replicators. there isn't a branch of Walmart Galaxy on their planet either."

"Well maybe I can just call the Queen on the video and ask?"

"Jean-Luc." Bev says, rolling her eyes, "It won't work."

"Don't worry." I say, "I'll just use the old Picard smile."

-----------

I get on the viewer and the Queen's image flashes on. She looks disappointed.



"Oh, it's you." she says, as if she's seen a the blind date she is going on and wants to get away quickly, "What do you want?"

"Greetings, your majesty." I say, using all my artificial pleasantries, "I must say, we are looking forward to visiting your planet next week for the Christmas party. How are errr... the preparations going?"

Diana looks offended.

"You are a man and you ask me how prepartions are going?" she snorts, "We are women, the supreme example of our sex. Naturally everything is way ahead of time. You have some nerve to.."

Bev hurriedly pushes me out of the way and talks to Diana herself.

"This is Beverly." she quickly says, "Hello Diana. Sorry that the Captain asked such a ridiculous question. Naturally I advised him not to, but he never listens."

"Hello Beverly." the Queen beams with a smile, "I'm so looking forward to seeing you next week. Maybe we can both start Karena & Wes to try for a daughter?"

"Maybe we can." Bev laughs in reply. She manages to keep me out of the way. Bev continues.

"Things seem to be going well, Diana" Beverly tells the Queen, "With amazons it doesn't surprise me. They are such great organisers."

"Thank you, Beverly." the amazon leader tells her, "It's always a pleasure to be complimented by an outsider."

"That's no problem. The Enterprise and the Rhode Island look forward to seeing you all next week." Bev concludes, "Goodbye for now."

Diana signs off and the videoscreen goes blank.

"Diplomacy is very different between races, Jean-Luc." Bev says with a laugh, "You'd be best to stay in the background. If you ask Diana for a dance, she'll probably withdraw from the Federation!"

Why is it I feel like I'll have to sit still and behave myself next week?

TWQ: Christmas Shopping

In the US, the day after Thanksgiving is known as 'Black Friday', one of the heaviest shopping days of the year, and when hunting for Christmas gifts start. TWQ (The Weekend Question) asks about priorities.

When you start shopping for Christmas gifts, where is the first shop you will go to? Will you be able to do most of it in one store? List where you will be heading.

My answers are:

I'll be able to do most of it without leaving the house, as Amazon caters for all my book, CD and DVD BluRay requirements, as well as many other items.

Marks & Spencers are suitable for any clothing and toiletaries.

Now it's over to you...

T'Pol & Britney's Undercover Mission (Part Six)

Guest Poster: Karena

What a mess T'Pol, Britney and myself are in right now!

Sent to infiltrate the all-female mercenary group known as The Virago, the three of us have managed to find out their secret plans. T'Pol looks like their leader Ishtar, who was taken by the Enterprise. Ishtar's lieutenants Sala and Vada already despise me and Britney. Now, a shuttlecraft has landed on the planet Verdan, where we are, and the real Ishtar has emerged, presumably having escaped from the Enterprise.

-----------

I get my spear ready. The tension is as high as if a farmer was coming to tell his turkeys that it's Thanksgiving time. The only thing is, it looks like our necks are on the block!



"Take them!" commands Ishtar, "They must be executed immediately!"

"Hey!" T'Pol says desperately, "She's the fake. She just landed in a Starfleet vessel. So she must be an imposter."

Vada and Sala look at each other, rather confused. They don't want to kill the person who is really their leader.

Ishtar looks towards Sala.

"Sala, my dearest one." she starts, "You and I had matching tattoos on a certain part of our bodies that no one else knows about. Ask this imposter if she knows what it is and where it is."



Sala looks hard at T'Pol with a sly smile.

"Well then." she asks, "Where is it, then?"

"Errrr....." T'Pol stammers, her face going red.

"That's the proof we need." Sala says firmly, "Take the three of them and execute them right away."

I throw Britney and T'Pol a couple of spears, though I know they are not skilled fighters with the weapon as I am. The three of us can't defeat the whole of The Virago.



As Ishtar and the other members of  The Virago advance, Britney swings at them with her umbrella spear, fending them off, and whacking Sala on the head. I do the same, keeping them from getting too near. Bujt it's only a matter of time...

Suddenly, we see a group of Enterprise Security beam down. The approach with their phasers and stun the women quickly. Captain Picard approaches.

"We've got all the information about where The Virago were going to strike next." T'Pol tells him, "You have them anyway now. The Virago is finished."

"Well done, you three." says the Captain, "You have done well."

The women regain consiousness, and are handcuffed by Worf and his team.

"Don't think we won't forget what you have done." snarls Ishtar to the three of us. The Virago will have it's revenge."

"And I will upon you." Sala says in anger to Britney, "Keep looking over your shoulder. We will be there, someday."

"Thank you for helping, Karena." Captain Picard says to me, "We'll take you back to the Rhode Island."

"Anytime, sir." I reply, "Be careful that Britney and T'Pol don't rtun into trouble."

He laughs.

"Britney and T'Pol ALWAYS run into trouble!"

T'Pol & Britney's Undercover Mission (Part Five)

Editor's Note:

T'Pol, Britney and Karena are on the planet Verdan infiltrating an all-female gang of mercenaries known as The Virago. As T'Pol looks like their leader, Ishtar, who was apphrehended by the Enterprise, she has gone in her place so that they can find out all the plans and details of their raids. However, Britney is not making friends with The Virago, and worse is to come.

The REAL Ishtar has escaped, and is on her way to Verdan!

------------------



Guest Poster: Mirror T'Pol

"Now the fun begins, sistah!" Britney says as she wakes up in our tent the next morning, "Time to nonchalently find out all the facts in the conference."

"That's right, Brit." I say, "But try not to say anything to antagonise Sala and Vada. They are the trusted lieutenants of Ishtar. neither like you and Karena. They might be getting suspicious of me. Let's find out what we know and get out of here before we feel the sharp end of their spears."

"You got it, honey." she replies.



I emerge from the tent to see Sala and Vada standing to attention with their spears. Sala looks so internsely angry when Brit comes out behind me. Yesterday I told her that Britney would be sharing my tent, and not Sala, who previously did with the real Ishtar.

Karena runs up to escort us, and hopefully to diffuse the situation.

"Sisters." I say, "Let us go the conference and discuss future tactics for The Virago."

We all walk to and sit round a large open ground. There is a mail chair for me to sit on. I gesture Britney and Karena to sit and my left and right respectively. This annoys Sala and Vada further. They would probably have had this honour.



"This is not the correct seating position." Vada states, but after looking at me, says, "But we shall stay as we are for the moment."

"Review the plans for the next month ahead the The Virago are going to undertake." I say carefully, as not to arouse suspicion.

"Why is that necessary, Ishtar?"  Sala asks, "You know them fully."

"Of course I do, "But I wish our new recruits Britney and Karena to be up to date with our plans."

"I thought you would have had the time to keep Britney up to date considering the amount of hours the two of you spent in your tent." Sala sneers in a bitter manner.

"Meow!" laughs Britney, which inflamnes Sala even more. Karena grips her spear ready to use.

"Britney!" she whispers.

"The first attack." Vada starts, "Will be in six days time on the USS Constitution cargo ship. We will pose as loaders, and fly off with the whole goods. Two days after, there is some valuable minerals from the planet Vaw coming over on the Dalos ship. We'll grab that. Flolllowing that, our best job this month will be getting hold of the prison ship Chokeybound. It has some of the Federation's worst villains on board. If we release all them, it should keep Starfleet busy while we create more chaos and make money at the same time."

"Very good." I say.

"Why is Britney writing all that down?" asks Sala.

"Errr..she and Karena need to remember." I say quickly.

Suddenly, there is a noise from the sky. We all see a Starfleet shuttlecraft descending, about to land where we all are. Karena, Brit and I exchange slightly worried glances.

The women of  The Virago all rush towards the shuttlecraft. As the door opens, out emerges...Ishtar.

"She's an imposter!" Ishtar shouts, and all eyes turn towards us three.

Ooops! I think Karena, Britney and myself may have outstayed our welcome.

To be continued...

TWQ: Cheer Up!

This week, TWQ (The Weekend Question) looks at things that will cheer you up.

What things will cheer you up? List as many as you wish.

My answers are:

Watching some of my favourite films on DVD. Watching 'Blazing Saddles' for example will have me laughing for days afterwards!

Being away from the office on vacation....or at home.

My birthday

Bacon, eggs etc...the full grill

Meeting really good friends after not seeing them for a while.

Now it's over to you...

T'Pol & Britney's Undercover Mission (Part Four)

T'Pol, Britney and Karena are infiltrating a gang of female mercenaries known as The Virago.

As T'Pol looks just like their leader, Ishtar, we have managed to apphrehend Ishtar and put T'Pol in her place. We hope the three women will be able to learn something of their activities so they can all be stopped. At the moment, we have no idea where they are. There is complete communication silence.

In the meantime, I am about to interrogate the real Ishtar and find out what I can

I don't rate my chances very highly.

-----------

I walk into the Interrogation Room, where Ishtar looks at me with disgust.



"So you are the 'great' Captain Picard?" she sneeringly says to me, "You will get nothing out of me, you Federation puppet!"

She then spits at me. Fortunately I havev a box of tissues on hand. I well prepared for these sort of occasions.

"It will be a lot easier if you tell me where The Virago are, and where they plan to strike next." I inform her in my officious tone, "You will find your sentence on the penal colony reduced significantly if you do."

"I will not betray my Virago sisters!" Ishtar declares defiantly, "Bring out your weapons of torture, you puppet. Not a word of betrayal shall pass my lips"

The door opens, and Bev enters.



"Jean-Luc." she whispers, "Perhaps we could use some truth serum on her?"

"I heard what you said!" Ishtar shouts, "It will not work; I have conditioned my body to reject any truth serum. Your woman here is wasting her time. Perhaps you'd like to give up torturing me and spend some time with her instead?"

"You are getting on my nerves, Ishtar." I tell her angrily.

"Good!" she laughlingly say, "It will only be a matter of time before my sisters find out where I am and rescue me."

"They don't even know you're away." I retort, "I have a crewmember who looks like you. Right now, she and two others are gathering all the information at The Virago location. We will soon have you all at the penal colony!"

A worried look suddenly comes across Ishtar's face.

"Come on, Bev." I say, "We don't need to question her. T'Pol, Britney and Karena will get them all."

----------------

A few hours later, I return to the Interrogation Room. Ishtar has vanished.

"How did she do it?" I ask Worf, who is there with his Security Staff."



"I do not know." he replies, "Howerver it seems she is an expert with circuitry and ventilation shafts. She left the room without anyone being aware."

"Seatch the ship!" I quickly say in  my best Captain's voice, "We've got to find her."

"It is too late." Data answers on my COM, "With her knowledge of computers and circuitry, Ishtar was able to steal a shuttlecraft and leave the Enterprise without us being aware."

"She's been gone hours." I say, "Undoubtably Ishtar has returned to wherever The Virago are. If she gets there before we find her, T'Pol, Britney and Karena will be dead!"

To be continued after the TWQ...

T'Pol & Britney's Undercover Mission (Part Three)

Guest Poster: Ensign Britney

This mission is not gonna be easy. If it fails, T'Pol, Karena and myself are liable to have our heads waved about on the end of spears. I prefer to keep my head where it is right now.

My soulsistah T'Pol looks exectly like Ishtar, the leader of an all-famale mercenary tribe known as The Virago, who are on the Verdan planet. Ishtar has been caught, and while the Enterprise tries to get information out of her, the three of us are going to find out more within the tribe.

We have met up with Ishtar's trusted lieutenants Sala and Vada. Already the latter has taken an instant dislike to Karena and me.

----------------

The five of us arrive at the camp of the Virago. The other women rush out to greet the return of their Leader.



"Greetings again." T'Pol announces, "I have bought two new powerful additions to our fighting force. Britney is a powerful, tough Deltan, and Karena is a rebel amazon."

All of them greet us with friendliness, but Sala and Vada stay back and watch, with grimaced expressions that could stop a clock.

We all settle down for an evening meal. As it's all cooked in a flame fire in the open ground, and obviously caught, I'm not going to ask what it was. In this circumstance, ignorance is bliss.



"I am impressed by The Virago, and honoured to be joining them." Karena says to the assembled band, "You truly are a great group."

Everyone then looks at me, as I am about to swallow something awful.

"Err...yeah." I mumble, "Great set up. What plans have you got?"

Vada and Sala look disgusted.

"It is not fit for a newcomer to ask such questions." Vada snaps.

"Hey!" T'Pol replies quickly, "She's one of us and can ask what she likes. Tomorrow morning, we will have a large conference to discuss our future manouvres, and where we intend to raid."

"Very well." Sala grudgingly concedes.

"Come on, Britney." T'Pol says to me, "Time to go to my tent and sleep there. We'll see you in the morning."



Sala gives a look of anger towards T'Pol, as if the winning Lottery ticket she lost has been found by her leader!

"What!" she exclaims, "Ishtar, you know we have always shared a tent together at night. Now this unknown is invited in instead!"

There is a hushed quietness in the camp, as everybody is waiting for the next move. With all the tension around, it's rather nerve-racking. Karena has got her spear aimed at Sala if anything drastic happens.

"Sala." T'Pol announces, "You were in my favour, but now Britney is. You may now share Vada's tent."

I've never actually seen steam come out of someone's ears, but I'm sure I did then, when looking at Sala. She storms away, jostling me in the shoulder as she passes.

"You are SO dead!" she whispers.

Karena rushes up to my soulsistah and I before the two of us enter the tent.

"That was risky." she says in a chastising manner, "You were supposed to keep a low profile, yet now they all hate us!"

"Hey, I'm the boss" T'Pol declares, "They will do as I say. C'mon, Brit, I'm ready for bed."

"I wonder how the Captain is doing with the real Ishtar on the Enterprise?" Karena says to us as she walks away.

A good thought.

To be continued...