TWQ: Feeling Out Of It?

Have you got to a point when you didn't know what was going on in the modern world? TWQ (The Weekend Question) asks about it:

Can you provide some good and amusing examples of when you fely 'out of it' or 'behind the times'? They can either be true stories or just jokes.

Here is my answer:

I felt out of it when I was asked if I had a Blackderry and I said I didn't like those sort of fruits.

So, it's over to you....

But before I go....

Don't forget that the next post is my 300th! I'd really like you to be there for that. From Sunday night British time to Tuesday night).

See you there!

Captain Beverly (Part Three)

Things are looking bleak for Riker, Data and myself.

Due to an ion storm the three of us have encountered, we have slipped into an alternate universe where the Federation is ruled by women. Beverly is Captain Howard, which was her maiden name. Deanna is the Commander.

-------------------

At present, we are being taken to do a menial job by Deanna and the Head of Security, who is Seven.

We turn a corner; Deanna nods her head, and Seven agrees. No one is around. Things now look even worse. Are we going to get thrown out of the nearest airlock?

Instead, we are pushed into an empty room and told to be quiet by Deanna.

"What is going on, Deanna" I ask, then regret it, as I expect another face-slapping for not addressing her properly.

"Are you with us in the struggle?" she asks me.

"What do you mean?"

"There have been many in the Federation Female Empire who have been secretly working to overthrow the society." Seven tells us, "We want men and women to work together."

"That is how it is in our universe, Seven." Data tells her.

"That's what Seven and I thought when we heard what you said, Captain Picard" Deanna says eagerly, "You might be able to help us."

I don't think the Prime Directive exists here; I hope not.

"It sounds like you just want to be Captain of the Enterprise, Deanna." I say, "Beverly appears to think you are her friend and very loyal to her."

"Be careful what you say, Captain." Seven warns me, "We could kill you for that; however, we both want something. Help us, and you can have the shuttle with the settings of where you came from so you can return to your universe."

Data, Riiker and I discuss the problem; it seems like the Prime Directive is going to be broken again. Still, maybe it doesn't count here and they don't have one? Let's go along with that belief.

"What do we have to do?" I ask.

"Send a message to Captain Howard, Deanna continues, "Telling her you are really a member of the anti-Federation Female Empire, saying you are holding us hostage; make sure the message goes to Starfleet as well. It will give them the idea she is bad at her job in letting you on. She will then be replaced by her second in command...me!"

How sneaky can you get!

"What happens to us?" Riker inquires.

"When we let you go," Seven tells us, "We will tell the FFE you overpowered us and escaped. Beverly Howard will get all the blame!"

The door opens; I sense a problem coming.

"Oh, will she?" says Beverly, as she walks in the door, "You forget that I've had 'Big Sister' listening devices installed in all rooms so to be able to pick up any trace of rebel activity. I thought you were my loyal Number One, Deanna?"

"Men and women need to be together, Beverly." Deanna replies.

"Women rule!" the Captain replies, "It will always be that way. Men are irrelevant; resistance is futile."

Now where have I heard that before?

Deanna and Seven rush at Beverly and overpower her, and we are urged to leave. I ask what will happen, but are told hurriedly it will work out. Beverly is still trying to break free.

-----------------

We get to where the shuttlecraft is located and head out at warp speed towards the ion cloud, where the heart of the storm is. The Enterprise follows us, But Data's piloting skills make us avoid it's missiles.

Who is now running the Enterprise; no way to tell.

The Enterprise is just on the rim of the ion cloud, but is forced to turn back; as we carry on, we get the familiar buzz of circuits blowing up everywhere.

Why do circuits always do this? I guess it's something to think about, but strangely, this is not an appropriate time. I'm surprised it doesn't happen to Data. Maybe he has a built-in circuit-breaker?

Eventually, we reach the Enterprise; thankfully, it's not painted pink, and doesn't have the FFE logo on it.

----------------

After a while back on board, I tell Beverly all about the incident.

"There's no reason I can't be Captain in the future, Jean-Luc." she tells me with a smile, "After all, I have Command status, just like Deanna. I sit in the Captain's chair for the night shift occasionally."

"That's true" I reply, "But I'd rather it be Beverly Crusher in charge of the ship, than Beverly Howard."

Captain Beverly (Part Two)

I love being the Captain of the Enterprise, especially when I give men some derogatory jobs!

That's what I've just done with the three that have come aboard the ship just now.

The nerve of them! Coming in Starfleet Command uniforms. Everyone knows that these are for woman only, and that men are Ensigns at the highest, otherwise they are expendable. The sort we send out to investigate a new planet. They usually never come back. Still, what does it matter? They're only men, after all!

I must admit, these three that came on just after the ion storm intrigued me. One called himself 'Captain' Jean-Luc Picard, another was 'Commander' Riker and the third was an android named 'Lieutenant' Commander Data. They claimed they were from another universe; a typical male trick there.

The one called 'Picard' interested me, somewhat. Rather than giving him a dull job, I might keep him as my pet.

The Federation Female Empire has been growing over the past few hundred years; we soon put paid to those Klingons who objected to women being in control. Every planet we have is now run as a matrichial society.

Here on the Enterprise, we have the finest group of women in Starfleet, so it's little wonder we are the flagship of the fleet. My loyal commander, Deanna, is there to back me up when we get a problem. Seven sorts out unwelcome visitors as head of Security. Jadzia is the Chief Engineer. Jennifer Baxter is Lieutenant Commander, and Trisha Lewis is the Doctor. Karena, the Amazon from Wondawowman is the Counselor, but I think I'll need to work on her skills with patients. All she tends to say is "Get a life!"

I'm looking in my videolog; there is an incoming message from my old friend The Borg Queen; she asks if I am free to have dinner with her next week on the Cube. As she came last month, it is her turn to invite. She was really pleased with our society when we first met, and so asked if she could let Seven stay with us. I was really happy.

All of us women of got to stay together. You never know when men might start getting uppity and want more than what we give them. They ought to be grateful that we let them do these jobs like cleaning out tubes; something no self-respecting woman would do.

"Ion storm cloud still nearby, Captain." says Jennifer.

"Keep clear of it, Lieutenant Commander." I reply to her.

Now where was I? My train of thought has stopped; oh yes.

One thing I do worry about is there are rumours of uprising. Some women are starting to side with men into overthrowing our female society.

Doesn't that sound appalling? Men and women working together? The very thought makes me lose my appetite.

Anyway, time to close this particular entry. If I adopt Picard as a pet, I might let Deanna have Riker as a present. She has been working hard lately.

To be continued...

Captain Beverly (Part One)

Riker, Data and myself are traveling back to the Enterprise in a shuttle after one of those interminable conferences.

The downside of having a commanding role is attending these awful meetings.

Suddenly a buzzer is going loudly; whatever it is telling us, it's not telling us to have a nice day.

"There is a giant ion storm approaching; It is heading right for us, Captain." says Data in a voice that is close that he can get to panic without actually being so.

"Turn round Data!" shouts Riker, "Get out of here!"

It is too late, and the storm hits us, rocking the ship, with all sorts of electrical buzzes; like the sort one sees in the old 'Frankenstein' movies.

Why is it, in the vast emptiness of space, are we so easily able to pick up anomalies and ion storms? I'm beginning to think Starfleet vessels must have a kind of magnetism.

----------------

Eventually, the shuttle limps it's way to the Enterprise; it looks a little odd from where I am, as it is a pinky colour. There also appears to be a badge of a man lying unconscious, with a woman standing triumphant over him.

It must be my imagination after the effects of the ion storm.

------------------------

I wake up in SickBay, along with Riker, Data is there, but he is looking concerned. A woman is tending to our minor injuries, which are healed.

"Where's Beverly?" I ask her.

The woman looks shocked, as if I have told her to go in the airlock and leave the ship.

"You can't talk about the Captain like that!" she say, "Don't you realise that..."

"Why are these men in Command uniforms?" shouts a voice as she enters.



She is dressed in an all-red outfit, an had four buttons on, indicating a Captain's rank.

"Beverly" I say, "What is going ..."

She looks disgusted, and slaps me hard across the face. It seems I can't finish my senteces around here.

"You will address me as Captain Howard" she tells me. I recall that 'Howard' was her maiden name before she married Jack Crusher. He was killed later on.

"I think something happened in the ion storm, Bev...I mean Captain Howard; this does not seem to be the place we intended to be. I'm Captain Jean-Luc Picard, and this is Commander Riker and Lieutenant Commander Data."

"The brig is where you will end up if you keep making outrageous claims like that." Beverly tells me, "You will put on the uniforms of an ensign, as that is the only role a man is allowed to have on this ship."

Deanna walks in; she is in a red uniform as well; the three pips tell me she is is the Commander of this vessel.



Riker looks relieved.

"Deanna!" he exclaims, "Strange things have been happening late..."

"You will address me as Commander Troi!" she orders him, and Riker receives the customary slap on the face, and is not able to finish his sentence.

"Give these three men Ensign uniforms" Beverly tells Deanna, "And give them some menial job that is suitable for them; something especially derogatory,"

"Yes, Captain Howard" Deanna replies, and takes us out.

With no slight exaggeration, it looks like we have a few problems.

To be continued....

---------------------------------------

Authors note:

I have been sent this Meme by Nic, so will now (attempt) to complete it:


3 smells that I love:

cheese
fresh clothesl
garlic

3 smells that I hate:

filthy places
dirty wastebins
unclean beds

3 jobs that I have had in my life:

Clerical
Helping my father when he was newsagent
Being a son

3 movies that I could watch over and over:

The Lord Of The Rings trilogy
The Hours
The Godfather trilogy

3 fond memories:

Looking at the Great Pyramids of Giza
My first day at work
Standing on top of the Empire State Building

3 jobs I would love to have:

Author
Creative consultant
Advisor

3 places I have lived:

West Bromwich
Smethwick
Great Barr

3 things I like to do:

Blog
Read
Watch movies

3 of my favorite foods:

Lasagna
Mixed grill
Hamburger...the bigger the better!

3 places I would like to be right now:

On the Nile
Touring the USA
Meeting all my blogfriends

3 websites I visit daily:

Nic
Professor Xavier
Osquer
(and many, many more!)

3 things that make me cry:

A weepy movie
The thought of anything bad happening to relatives and friends
Certain lyrics to songs that touch my heart and soul

3 friends that I am tagging:

I don't tag!

TWQ: Lightbulb Jokes

This week, TWQ (The Weekend Question) goes into a well-known part of joke telling.

I always like lightbulb jokes (and also 'why did the chicken cross the road' and 'two cow economy' ones.). What are your favourite lightbulb jokes?

My answer is:

Q: How many Borg does it take to change a lightbulb:
A: All of them.

Q: How many seventies disco dancers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to boogie up the ladder and one to say "Get daaowwwwn !"

Q: How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.

Now it's over to you...

Halloween Preparations

The senior staff are having a meeting in my Ready Room, as the ship is not being invaded, or haven't entered an anomoly which we seem to find with unaccountable ease.

The subject for discussion: Halloween.

"Now then, everybody." I start, "As we are now into October, the end of the month is Halloween, and we want to make sure everybody has a good time. Any suggestions."

"What is Halloween?" asks Seven.

"Err, well, Seven" I reply, "We all dress up in scary outfits look ghoulish and try and frighten each other."

Seven looks very confused.

"That is very irrelevent" she says, "What does this achieve? Does it make the Enterprise run faster?"

"No" I tell her, "It's these sort of things that keep up morale on the ship."

"If morale goes down on a Cube, the drones are disconnected." she says seriously, although there is a slight giggle in the room from the others.

"We know one person who won't need to wear a scary costume." whispers Riker to Deanna. They laugh to each other.

"I do not feel scared on Halloween" says Data, "It is a human emotion that I do not possess."

"What do you see when you watch those scary movies Data?" asks Geordi.

"I see a lot of actors" he replies, "When that new movie came out last week, 'Saw CXXXVIII', I did jump a little though, as I assumed Jigsaw was dead."

"I think we are straying from the main point of the meeting." I tell them, "We need to sort out how we are going to celebrate Halloween."

"We can always adapt a holodeck to something creepy, like we did last year, when we created a castle" says Beverly.

"Why should a castle be considered fearful?" inquires Seven.

"Dracula, Frankenstein" answers Riker, "Haunted castles, howling wolves, vampires. Do you see, now, Seven?"

"All I see is why humans and others in the Federation are so weak" she replies, "They scare of simple creatures; it is little wonder that the Borg are supreme!"

"Seven" Deanna tells her, "People enjoy being scared; they like to see movies that have them terrified."

"You'll be a lot more terrified when I put you in the Assimilation Chamber, Betazoid!" comments Seven.

Oh dear; that subject always raises tempers. The staff start shouting at Seven, and she tells the that The Borg Queen will get them all.

"CALM DOWN!" I shout hoarsley. Everyone turns round and looks at me in surprise, including Seven.

"As you command, Locutus." says Seven quietly, then sits down, as they all do.

"Now then." I continue, "Let's all carry on. I think we just need to come in an outfit that suits the evening, together with food and drink."

"I agree" says Beverly, "We ought to keep the details of what we wear to ourselves."

"Yes, and the Captain can decide what setting the holodeck can be."

They all agree; even Seven.

"What will you tell The Borg Queen about Halloween, Seven?" I ask her as we all leave the Ready Room.

"That I have discovered another weakness in the human psyche." she replies arrogantly, before clanking off down the corridor.

Assertiveness Training

Captain Picard has sent me to an Assertiveness Training Course, as he thinks I'm too nervous in what I do.

Of c-course I am!

All these aliens attacking us, t-transporter malfunctions, a Borg drone on board. It's a w-wonder we're still in one piece.

"Don't worry, Reg." says Deanna, "Just go along and you'll be fine."

"T-that's alright for you to say, Deanna." I reply, "I just d-dont think I can or want to be assertive. I get very nervous when people shout at me. They always seem to."

She smiles and sends me in the direction of Holodeck 2, where the training is being carried out.

------------

I enter the holodeck, and there is a large man there; the sort that could probably beat up Lieutenant Worf without any problem.

"So you're Barclay?" he says loudly, "You do look a weedy speciman, don't you? Well I'm Argos, and I'm going to make sure that at the end of this Assertiveness Course, you'll be a tough individual. Right?"

"Err...if you s-say so, sir." I reply.

Argos looks disgusted and continues.

"Right, Barclay" he says, "In this first scenario, you are in control of Engineering; there is going to be a Warp Core Breach in a few moments. Tell me what you are going to do?"

A simulation of the Engineering Room comes to life, and everyone is looking panic-stricken, running here and there.

"Everybody!" I say to them, "Would you m-mind leaving the s-section, as we're going to have a b-breach in a while."

"MORE AUTHORITY, BARCLAY!" shouts Argos.

He is making me more nervous; as I try and urge everybody to leave the Room, the scenario suddenly vanishes.

"What happened?" I ask.

"The ship exploded while you were dithering away, Barclay." replies Argos, "The Enterprise has been destroyed while you have asked people nicely to leave. It wasn't a garden party, or asking a girl to dance. You should have thrown them out then tried to get to the problem via a Jeffries Tube."

"I might have got killed." I protest.

"But you would have saved the ship, Barclay!" shouts Argos, "Now let's see how you get on in this next scenario."

The holodeck changes, and a replica of the Enterprise Bridge appears; all the staff are there, except Captain Picard.

"In this scenario, the Enterprise is about to be invaded." says Argos, "Let's see what you do; you are the Captain here."

While I sit in the Captain's chair next to Commander Riker, Seven and two other Borg drones appear on the Bridge.

"Surrender and prepare for assimilation." states Seven.

"Err...we surrender" I say nervously.

Argos looks livid.

"What kind of assertiveness is that supposed to be, Barclay?" he shouts, "Stand up for yourself!"
The program runs again, and Seven orders us to surrender.

"Err...we will not s-surrender" I tell her.

"Then you will be assimilated first" replies Seven.

I think carefully.

"In that case, I surrender." I say.

The program stops and Argos looks near breaking point. I've never seen a grown man cry before.

"Did it not occur to you to get yourself assimilated as a diversion, while Riker managed to press the self-destruct with Data so that the ship would explode during the Borg invasion?" he asks me through his tears.

"No." I reply, "I have n-noticed that I seem to get killed in both scenarios, though. It doesn't seem to pay being assertive, Mr Argos."

"You're missing the point, Barclay," he tells me, "What you are learning is...oh I can't do this any more. I give up. I'm going to teach Flower Arranging instead."

With that he walks out...

--------------------

"How did you get on with your Assertiveness Training, Reg?" asks Deanna.

"It was alright, I think" I reply, "But I don't think the tutor was the right one. He said he wanted to move to a different area of training afterwards."

"That's too bad." Deanna muses, "Starfleet need to be sure they have the right instructors for the job, otherwise how will we ever learn anything?"

Health & Safety

The Starfleet Health & Safety Inspector is coming aboard to check to see whether the Enterprise conforms to current standards.

Naturally, he is coming via shuttle, as the transporter hasn't been examined by himself to see whether it is safe enough to use.

We are the there to great him.

"Hello" I say, "I am Captain Jean-Luc Pica..."

"No time for that!" he interrupts, "This ship could fall apart at any moment if I haven't checked it. If there is something wrong, we will have to evacuate the vessel right away. The name is Lieutenant Oxley; now lets get a move on!"

His nervous manner gets us all on edge as we follow him; he goes to Engineering first.

"This all looks very dangerous" Oxley says to Geordi, "What are the chances of a warp core breach happening, and us all being infected by radiation?"

"It's minimal, Lieutenant" says Geordi, "We have lots of safety alarms in place that alert us to a possible..."

"Only'minimal'!" replies Oxley, "I'd hope you were going to say 'non existant'. We'll have to close the warp core down and travel on impulse until it can be 100% checked."

Geordi looks at me pleadingly, but I know the Health & Safety representaives are very strong and determined.

"We'll close it down for now." I state guardingly. I've a hunch that Lieutenant Oxley is going to get on people's nerves. He is annoying me.

We then visit Ten Forward and Guinan.

"What about these replicators?" he asks.

"What about them, Lietenant?" says Guinan.

"Can you be sure that your crew aren't eating radioactive food? I'm sure you don't want them to go down with food poisoning during an alien attack?"

"No, but..." I stammer.

"Then all replicators need to be switched off and checked" says Oxley, "Until they are approved, the crew can only eat prepared food."

"But the chef can't cook over 1000 meals!" Guinan replies in protest.

"That's not my concern." he coldly comments, "Health and Safety is my concern, not feeding crewmembers. Just give them a simple soup, or something like that."

"There will be a riot, Captain." Guinan whispers quietly.

"I know" I reply, "Do your best to placate them."

Oxley visits the Cargo Bay where Seven and her alcove are located.

"Is this safe?" he asks me, "Having Borg technology around Enterprise items; we don't know what effect the items will have on ours. Besides that's she could do something to them."

Seven looks visibly annoyed.

"Can I assimilate this person, Locutus" she inquires, "He has insulted me."

"No, Seven; that's not possible." I reply.

Still, it's one character I wouldn't mind seeing as part of the Collective. He would probably destroy it in six months with his Health and Safety Regulations.

After going round many other places and closing down their operations and or annoying crew members, he comes to SickBay.

"This doesn't look very clean." Oxley states, without looking around.

Beverly gets angry.

"My SickBay is ALWAYS clean!" she says clearly.

"Well, what about that man?" he continues, pointing to the Holographic Doctor?, "He doesn't have a doctor's coat on."

"He's a hologram!" Beverly tells him with increased irritation.

Then I can tell she has an idea.

"What about you, Lieutenant?" she asks, "How do we know you haven't bought a virus aboard?"
"Of course I haven't!" replies Oxley.

"Nonetheless, we need to be sure." continues Beverly, as she winks at me, "My staff will give you a thorough examination; it might be a little painful, but I'm sure you'll agree that it's important.."

"Err...look, Captain." he pleads, "Just let me off this examination and I'll pass the Enterprise as allright for Health & Safety..."

"I don't know..." I say to myself, "It does seem irregular, but we'll take a risk and let you leave without a medical inspection."

"Thanks!" Oxley replies hurriedly, signs a Health & Safety Certificate and runs out of the door towards the shuttle.

"Good to know that the Enterprise has passed the Health & Safety again, Jean-Luc" Beverly comments with a smile.

"Sure is, Beverly." I reply, "I don't know how we keep doing it."