Starfleet Advert (Part One)

I have been summoned to Starfleet Headquarters on Earth.

When I get there, I see Admiral Marsh, who is the Head of Recruitment. With him is a man in his early twenties with dark glasses and so called 'trendy clothes' who is obviously trying to look intellectual at the same time.

"Captain Picard" says Marsh, "This is Billy Fortune, the hot film director. As recruitment to Starfleet has fallen over the last few years, we have employed him to make an advert for us that will be shown on screens at home. We want you to work with him in creating that."

"I don't know whether I'm the one for this role, Sir." I say.

"Of course you are, Jean-Luc, baby!" exclaims Fortune, "We want the Captain of the flagship of the fleet in this ad."

I dislike him intensely already.

----------------

After meeting the senior staff, Fortune talks to me about what he thinks.

"This ad needs some bizaz, baby. We need it to say to those viewers, ''Come and join this go-ahead outfit, this is the place to be, this is where it's all happening!"

I think my Universal Translator must be malfunctioning.

"That Worf guy is way too scary." he says, "He might put people off joining. What about that funny robot, Data? He could do a bit of comedy like the one in that ancient series 'Lost In Space'.
That Riker could be good; the two you you could be a double act and do some funny routines there. Makes 'em laugh and start listening."

"Well we gotta have that Deanna Troi in it," he continues, "We need a babe in a skimpy outfit. It'll get the men watching the screen. Now that Geordi needs to be in it; a blind black guy. Wow! that gives a great message saying anybody can join. Do you think that Beverly would wear a skimpy outfit as well?"

"NO!" I say.

"Ah, well, never mind."

"Is that it?" I ask, wanting to throttle him.

"No, baby, we need youth. We need some kid to tell them to join Starfleet Academy. A bright one. I think I know who."

I can see it coming, I know I can.

"That Wesley Crusher is just right, baby. He's in the Academy, he's bright, and hey! he's even served on your Enterprise for a few years. Let's get him on the scene and we can start shooting.

Pass the headache tablets.

The View From The Bar

.

Running this bar is a cinch after all that I've been through, I can tell you.

It keeps me young as well. Though I'm over 600 years old, I sometimes don't feel a day over 350.

It's those drinking songs that annoy me, though. When Worf has had a few, he really gets going, and there we are, back on the Klingon homeworld and singing songs of Kahless and his epic quests.

Do me a favour, Worf!

Geordi, now he's another one. I'm there behind the bar, and I have to hear his witless attempts to chat up women. He has no idea.

He starts with, "Hiya babe, I'm the Chief Engineer."

I ask you!

The unlucky woman look in pity and disgust at him and walks off, while Geordi looks amazed. If any female actually responded to his awful chat-up lines, he wouldn't have a clue what to do next.

Jean-Luc and Beverly are a pair, though. They will come in at different times and tell me how much they like the other, but have to maintain a professional distance.

Come on, you two!

Of course, I'm a great friend of Jean-Luc; I met him in the 19th Century when he time-travelled here. I've had a few dealings with Q as well. I got to Earth when my planet had been invaded by the Borg.

Talk about a backward planet! No warp drive, no space travel!

In the 20th Century, I changed my name for a while and went into acting. Some of the movies were ridiculous. I never understood the plots myself, but I had to dress up in this black outfit called a nun's habit.

Afterward, I went on this television quiz show called 'Hollywood Squares'. The producer told me just to say any idiotic answer. This I did, and for some reason, the audience laughed.

I went into hiding for a while, and when Jeffram Cochrane had a slight idea about warp drive, I gave him a couple of hints. As he was always drunk, he forgot to mention my involvement.

Nearly a century later, I applied for the job of Communications Officer on Captain Archer's Enterprise, but failed to get it. No Starfleet experience, they say.

If only they knew!

Another century passed; I then applied for the same job on the 'five year mission' on the Enterprise that Kirk was on. He personally interviewed all the women, but this Uhura got it.

What does he know?

In the end, after nearly yet another hundred years, I finally get on the Enterprise; as a bartender!

With all the people I've met, I ought to have been at least First Officer, don't you...hold on, Deanna and Riker are giggling with each other.

I'll be listening in...

TWQ:influential & Memorable TV

The Weekend Question (TWQ) this week is asking you to take a look at the tv programmes of the past.

Name the ten tv programmes that were influential or memorable in the past. Why were they?

Here are my choices: note: this list has been revised from the first day of asking the question.

1: The 'Star Trek' series: Naturally, this was hugely influential, especially seeing the original series as a child.

2: Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In: This comedy so funny when seen; I would dearly love to see it again. Who can forget the flying fickle finger of fate, "Sock it to me!", "Here comes de judge" and "Verrrry interesting!"?

3: Steptoe and Son: This comedy series about two rag and bone men was wonderfully acted, with great scripts. A version of it was made in the US called 'Sanford & Son'.

4: Whatever Happened To The Likely Lads?: This comedy series about two men in the north of England has never dated, despite being made in the early seventies.

5: The Fall and Rise of Reginald Perrin: This was a first rate comedy series. Reggie is an executive who tires the life he leads, and fakes his own death. He comes back later and remarries his wife.

6: Dallas: This was the first of it's kind, and made all the better by Larry Hagman's portrayal of JR Ewing.

7: The 'Blackadder' series: This comprised of four comedy series, 'The Black Adder', 'Blackadder II', 'Blackadder III' and 'Blackadder Goes Forth'. In each, Rowan Atkinson plays Edmund Blackadder, then a descendant with the same name. Hilarious.

8: When The Boat Comes In: This drama was a wonderful portrayal of the opportunistic Jack Ford and life in the 1920's.

9: Battlestar Galactica: The original version was really well made; despite the new version having some good special effects, I am very loyal to this one. The last series of it, 'Galactica 80: Galactica Reaches Earth' , wioth different actors is worth seeing as well.

10: The Phil Silvers Show: The Sergeant Bilko stories have always been worth seeing. My favourite episode is when the troop think they are in a song contest, but it is an experimental laboratory for killer bees.

also ones that I have to squeeze in somehow....

11: The Twilight Zone (black & white originals): These were mini-classics. Everyone has their own favourites.

12: Twin Peaks: Was there ever a show like this?

Now it's over to you...

Fitness Program

Another useless piece of rubbish directive from Starfleet.

This one is telling that all Senior Staff (why is it always us?) are to assemble for a weekly fitness routine in a holodeck program that has been sent over.

---------------

Later, we walk in the holodeck. Worf has that outfit on he trains the crew with those Klingon routines with. Riker has the proper gear. Top of the range.

He would have.

Geordi has a colourful outfit, all in jazzy styles. Data, who is far fitter than any of us, turns up.

"Data" I say, "You can't become fit; as a machine, it won't do you any good."

"I realise that, Captain." he replies, "But as a member of the Senior Staff, it is my duty to attend."

I am there in my regulation Starfleet-issue fitness outfit.

Beverly and Deanna both join us; they both have skimpy leotards on.

Riker looks at Deanna and tries to put his eyes back in their sockets.

I look at Beverly.

Perhaps this fitness program won't be as bad after all?

I see the weights. Worf and Data have had little trouble with them; let's see how I get along.

I attempt to lift them; a few seconds later, my back is in agony. Perhaps I should have set them at a lesser weight?

Geordi seems to be doing well, although seeing that outfit is a pain on the eyes.

Riker is showing off, as he always does; he manages to do well on them all. On the treadmill, he gets a high speed, he handles the rowing machine effortlessly.

I am worn out.

The treadmill speed is lessened, and I still feel as if I am on a walk across the Vulcan desert.

Beverly spends more time trying to pick me off the floor, rather than do her own fitness exercises.

"Are you sure you want to do this, Jean-Luc." she says quietly, "It is rather an ordeal for those, err...not fully fit."

"Yes!" I reply, determined to carry on.

I go to the multi gym.

"Jean-Luc." says Beverly, "That has been tough for any of us, "Even Data found it hard going."

"Then as Captain, I should be able to do this."

I think at this time, my sense of reasoning had gone by way of a transporter signal: disappeared into thin air.

I got strapped into position.

"Get the weights set." I say, "I can do this!"

I start, ready to lift the weights that are lowering on to my neck.

I pass out.

The next thing I see is Beverly in her doctor's outfit.

"Where am I?"

"Sickbay, where do you think, Jean-Luc?"

"What happened?"

"You passed out after taking on too much. Don't worry. you're not the only one. A lot of Captains are currently injured after taking on too much. The program has been scrapped."

"What a relief!" I say.

Although Beverly's leotard wasn't a bad part of it.

Starship Etiquette

A new directive has been sent from Starfleet ordering how staff Bridge Staff should behave in certain situations. I am reading this out to them.

1: Don't slouch on the chairs; when the viewscreen comes on, people want to see a smart, efficient crew, even if they are hostile and about to invade.

2: If an alien announces "We will destroy your ship.", don't immediately respond with a full spread of photon torpedoes. This will cause hostility. Instead, put on an understanding smile and ask gently, "Do you REALLY want to do that?" Offer them coffee and a donut, so you can talk peacefully.

3: If an alien group invades the ship, remember to say "Welcome to the Enterprise." when they board. Show them around the ship and take them to Ten Forward. This will break the ice between races, and encourage friendship.

4: Don't set the Self Destruct sequence off. Starships cost a lot to build. It costs a lot to train personel as well.

5: Namebadges should be worn by all personel. How will anyone know each other is, especially in a Galaxy-Class starship?

6: Stardates will be used at all times. It is not acceptable to use terms like 'half past eight last Thursday'.

7: Don't go into Red Alert everytime there is a minor mishap. This causes a lot of stress amongst crew members. Remember, we only have one Counselor per starship.

8: The Captain will not use his own odd sentances to utter commands. "Go ahead" or "Go on course." is acceptable. "Make It So." is not.

9: When an alien diplomat visits the ship, make sure you know as much as you can about the race. Customs and greetings can vary. The slightest twitch or wrong phrase could cause an interplanetary war.

10: Bridge staff shall maintain a decorum at all hours. Drinking songs are not permitted. Especially while on duty.

There was a few choice remarks during the reading of this., mostly from Worf.

Now where is the Enterprise Shredder Room?

Tagged!

Jon, Intergalactic Gladiator has cruelly tagged me; it was able to get through the shields, which we thought had been modified to prevent this kind of attack.

I shall be giving the Romulans your blog address.

Ten years ago I was:

*Ten years younger.

*Captain of the Stargazer.

*An admirer of Beverly Crusher.

Five years ago I was:

*Five years younger.

*Captain of the Enterprise.

*Still an admirer of Beverly Crusher.

One year ago I was:

*Wondering when Riker was going to take another command.

*Wondering if Mott the barber would be too scary to be seen at Halloween.

*Glad that Wesley had gone to Starfleet Academy.

Yesterday I was:

*Wondering what was going to happen at the Christmas Party.

*Wondering if Data has a Warranty for parts.

*Thinking of going skiing in the holodeck program.

Snacks I enjoy:

Cheese ones, of course.

Songs I know the words to:

Crocodile Rock, American Pie, Hey Jude, Life On Mars, See My Baby Jive.

Places to go to:

Cannes, New York, Florida, Sydney, Rigel IV pleasure planet.

Not wear...shell suit.

Toys..DVD..computer, TV

Tags...as I am merciful, I won't tag anyone.

Whatever Happened To Doctor Pulaski?

.

A lot of people keep asking me "Whatever happened to Doctor Katherine Pulaski?"

She was the woman who replaced me on the Enterprise for a year while I went to Starfleet Medical on Earth.

It was assumed that this was a position I eagerly wanted, but that's not the way it was. After all, I was very fond of the Enterprise; my son Wesley was serving on it, and I like the company of certain people, although we keep a professional distance from each other.

This is the truth of what happened that year...

All of a sudden, this directive came from Starfleet Headquarters that I had successfully obtained the new position at the Medical Council. I was puzzled, as I had made no such application.

The Admiral who informed me said there was no chance of changing my mind, and that I had to go there.

I was most distraught, and there was a tearful farewell from my friends on the Enterprise.

When I arrived in San Francisco, there was a message from Wes on the monitor. He said there was a new woman, a Doctor Katherine Pulaski, and she was now doing my job.

Jean-Luc also sent a message, saying that Dr Pulaski was rather annoying, getting on his fraying nerves and that the two of them had got into a lot of arguements. He said he was missing me.

That cheered me up no end.

While I was at Starfleet Medical, I did a lot of detective work; I was determined to find out how I had ended up here, rather than on the flagship of the fleet.

I tracked down my application form, sent in by computer. By doing this, I was able to find out the location of where it came from.

It was from the office of Doctor Katherine Pulaski.

That woman had got me posted to that job so she could take the job that any doctor in the Federation would dearly want.

What was I going to do to get my job back? Sneak on the Enterprise and put her body in a Jeffries Tube? Though it did seem rather appealing, I knew I had to do something a lot more subtle.

Three weeks later, there was a call on the monitor from Wes on the Enterprise.

"Mom, you'll never guess what happened? Dr Pulaski has been summoned take to part in a long-range scientific survey around the galaxy on the New Frontier vessel. It's a voyage that involves suspended animation, as it involves long distances. They could be away for over 100 years."

"What did Dr Pulaski say, Wes?"

"Well, she protested, saying she never wanted to go, and also said "It's HER, I know it is". I don't know what that means, Mom."

"Strange, isn't it, Wes?"

"Well, the Captain is pleased to have her along, as the doctor they were going to have suddenly fell ill through stomach poisoning. I think she worked at Starfleet Medical with you, Mom."

"What a coincidence." I said.

"I'll have to go, Mom; by the way, I saved the ship again last week."

"That's nice of you, Wes."

Jean-Luc came on a little later. He explained that Dr Pulaski had been called away, and pleaded with me to come back to the Enterprise.

Naturally, I was there, and have been the doctor ever since.

Aren't we women sneaky?

TWQ: Childhood Ambitions

The Weekend Question (TWQ) asks you to look back and remember your ambitions.

When you were very young, what did you want to be when you grew up?
How did that change as you grew up?
Have you managed to achieve any of it?

I always wanted to be a writer when I was young; I wrote little stories, especially when I was in primary school. Sci fi film stories, comic books and Star Trek were a great influence on my imagination.

This was negated when I entered the primary school stage, as I had 'serious' studies to do.

When the internet arrived, my imagination was rekindled. I have a poetry website in which I have written a few. Also, this blog is a great creative outlet.

Now it's over to you...