Thursday, December 14, 2006

TWQ: Christmas Jokes & Stories

As I'm in London seeing the musical 'Cabaret' in the West End and the opera 'Carmen' at Covent Garden, we're having a four-day TWQ.

Do you know any Christmas jokes or stories? Some might have happened to you. Come back as often as you like to add some more.

My answers are:

The 12 Days Of Christmas (For the politically correct)

On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my
Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to
me:

TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,

ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of
members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in
their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note),

TEN melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal
ruling class system leaping,

NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,

EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products
from enslaved Bovine-Americans,

SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,

SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products,

FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration,

(NOTE after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw
red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge
have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further
Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been
revised.)

FOUR hours of recorded whale songs

THREE deconstructionist poets

TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses

AND a Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.

---------------------

An honest politician, a kind lawyer and Santa Claus were walking down the street and saw a $20 bill. Which one picked it up?
Santa! The other two don't exist!

-------------------------

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day!

-Phyllis Diller

-----------------

Now it's over to you....

31 comments:

Claire said...

Those are so funny!! Unfortunately I'm terrible at remembering any jokes. If I happen to remember one I'll be back to comment it!

squirrel said...

A Star Trek Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the ship
Not a circuit was buzzing, not one microchip;
The phasers were hung in the arm'ry securely,
In hope that no aliens would get up early.

The crewmen were nestled all snug in their bunks
(Except for the few who were partying drunks);
And Picard in his nightshirt and Bev in her lace,
Had just settled down for a neat face-to-face.

When out in the halls there arose such a racket,
That we leapt from our beds, pulling on pants and jacket.
Away to the lifts we all shot like a gun,
Leapt into the cars and yelled loudly, "Deck One!"

The bridge Red-Alert lights, which flashed through the din,
Gave a luster of Hades to objects within.
When, what, on the viewscreen, should our eyes behold,
But a weird kind of sleigh, and some geek who looked old.

But the glint in his eyes was so strange and askew,
That we knew in a moment it had to be Q.
His sleigh grew larger as closer he came.
Then he zapped on the bridge and addressed us by name;

"It's Riker! It's Data! It's Worf and Jean-Luc!
It's Geordi! And Wesley, the genetic fluke!
To the top of the bridge, to the top of the hall!
Now float away, float away, float away all!"

As leaves in autumn are whisked off the street,
So the floor of the bridge came away from our feet,
And up the ceiling our bodies they flew,
As the captain called out, "What the hell is this Q?!"

The prankster just laughed and expanded his grin,
And, snapping his fingers, he vanished again.
As we took in our plight and were looking around,
The spell was removed, and we crashed to the ground.

The Q, dressed in fur from his head to his toe,
Appeared once again to continue the show.
"That's enough!" cried the captain, "You'll stop this at once!"
And Riker said, "Worf! Take your aim at this dunce!"

"I'm deeply offended, Jean-Luc," replied Q.
"I just wanted to spend Christmas with you."
As we scoffed at his words, he produced a large sack.
He dumped out the contents, and took a step back.

"I've brought gifts," he said, "just to show I'm sincere.
There's something delightful for everyone here."
He sat on the floor and dug into the pile,
And handed out gifts with his most charming smile.

"For Counselor Troi, there's no need to explain,
Here's Tylenol-Beta for all of your pain.
For Worf I've got mints as his breath's not too great,
And for Geordi LaForge, an inflatable date.

For Wesley, some hormones, and Clearasil-Plus:
For Data, a joke book; for Riker, a truss.
For Beverly Crusher, there's sleek lingerie,
And for Jean-Luc, the thrill of seeing her that way."

Then he sprang to his feet with that grin on his face,
And, clapping his hands, disappeared into space.
But we heard him exclaim as he dwindled from sight,
"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good flight!"

Ellee said...

You are a real culture vulture, your wife is a lucky lady.

Anonymous said...

I enjoyed the PC version of '12 Days'!! :D

Also, I'm back online, Captain!

Professor Xavier said...

It's not really a joke but I love saying "It's a Christmas miracle" in a really over the top syrupy way.

Ellee said...

I read a great review of Carmen in today's press, how lucky you both are, wish I was there too.

Darth Nepharia said...

Cherry Mismas to all, and to all a nood gight....*hick*

Meow said...

Great jokes ... I'm no good at remembering any, so haven't any to share.
Not sure if I have mentioned it, but thank you so much for the lovely Christmas card ... I received it a week or so ago. There is one on it's way to you too.
Have a great weekend.
Take care, Meow

Jean-Luc Picard said...

Just back from London!

Squirrel, I saw that verse myself and planned to put it in next week!

Thanks for the compliment, Ellee, except that I am unmarried and went with my father. 'Carmen' was a present for him, although I enjoyed the opera as much as he did. It was a spectacular performance that was truly magnificent. Covent Garden was packed to the roof. No one would believe just how perfect a production it was.

I also went to the Velaquez art exhibition at the National Gallery, by the way. That was stunning as well.

The 'Cabaret' production was well staged, with a chilling message in it.

surcie said...

I don't have anything festive to contribute. But I love that you included the Diller quote.

Anonymous said...

Happy ho ho Cap'n I am so glad to hear you had a great time.

I'd tell a joke but I don't know any...especially xmas jokes...


xxs and oos
Merly

The Mistress of the Dark said...

I agree with Phyliss :)

Happy Christmas!

slskenyon said...

I don't have any contributions at the moment, although I will go and think about it now that I have read this post, but the Twelve Days of Christmas was hilarious--I especially liked Number 5.

Lahdeedah said...

The twelve days were hilarious...

Once, when I was living in England, my friends and I went to London during Christmas. We totally got into the atmosphere, loved the roasted chestnuts, there was a little carnival type thing I think at Covent Garden, anyhow it was the big market... it was a blast, but then we split up... and of course, being young and having just left a pub, we didn't make concrete plans to actually meet beyond 'we'll meet at the train.' Anyhow, we wander around London all night and then, amazingly, find one group. Then, by accident, find the second. But not the third... we get to the train, worried about the third, we HAD to leave, it was the last train, but we didn't know what happened to our buddy.. did he take an earlier train? Is he still there? Where is he?...

*I know long winded story*

So seriously, TWO MINUTES before the train leaves, he arrives, we're so happy. He's red faced and cheery.

"It's true. I didn't think I was ever going to find you, but I did."
awww
"Can someone pick up the cab fare on the way home? I gave all my money away."
we're like 'what?'
"I was walking by this bum dressed like a Santa and I couldn't find anyone and I was worried. He said 'what's wrong?' and I told him and he said 'Don't worry, you'll find your friends' so I gave him the last of my money, and he was right, I did."

lol the thing is, he was right, so in a way, giving him his money in gratitude was justified. Talk about faith huh?

It's the only odd Christmas story I have.

Gyrobo said...

There's this pizzeria I frequent once or twice a week. One day I'm sitting there and Santa Claus and a Klingon warrior walk into the place. They sat down at an adjacent table and ordered a meatball parmesan which they split between them. After they left, I went to the pizzeria owner, who was busy flipping the pies.

"Did you ever see anything stranger than that?" I asked him, gesturing through the Plexiglas window to the Klingon, who was helping Santa into a rusted-out car.

"Not really," he said. "Although normally they only come here on Tuesdays."

"So you find the fact that Santa and a Klingon come in here on a regular basis... unremarkable?"

He paused for a moment to process what I'd just said.

"What are you talking about? Those are my parents!"

Gyrobo said...

I've still got it.

Yaeli said...

so funny!! I don't really have any jokes to add to your xmas repetoire. But if you want a few bad ones check inside the xmas crackers!

Anonymous said...

I can never remember jokes, but I like yours.

Michele sent me.

So, if the Blogger Gods are permit...
here goes nothing -

rashbre said...

A lot of the current Christmas jokes, for me, take something away from Christmas, which I think should still have some traditional good cheer around it.

So instead of jokes 'about' Christmas, I'm contributing a few Christmas Cracker jokes...

Did you hear about the two ships that collided at sea? One was carrying red paint and the other was carrying blue paint. All the sailors ended up being marooned.

What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?
Dam.

What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it?
Nothing. It just let out a little wine.

Why did the man get the sack from the orange juice factory?
Because he couldn't concentrate.

Boo Boom.

And here, with Seasonal Greetings, from Michele!

utenzi said...

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.


Michele sent me over to see you, Captain. How 'bout one more joke?

There was once a great czar in Russia named Rudolph the Red.
He stood looking out the windows of is palace one day while his
wife, the Czarina Katerina, sat nearby knitting. He turned to her
and said, "Look my dear, it has begun to rain!" Without even
looking up from her knitting she replied, "It's too cold to rain. It
must be sleeting." The Czar shook his head and said, "I am the
Czar of all the Russias, and Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"

panthergirl said...

Oh, I posted my Christmas joke!

Hi from Michele's!

Squirrel said...

Oh so sorry Captain! I should have e-mailed it to you instead of putting it in the comments!!

raehan said...

The only Christmas joke I know is one aI made up when I was eight years old.

What did Mary say to Joseph.

"The Three Kings are coming. Let's make some Jello-Pudding."

Anonymous said...

This is excellent!

Jen said...

Those are hilarious! I don't think I have any good Christmas jokes or anything.

I love your hat, it's very festive and goes nicely with the uniform! :-)

dragonflyfilly said...

trust the Spotted Owl to be chained to an old growth pear tree, just as well it was not one of the old growth trees in Stanley Park, the Owl would not be doing much Hooting!

i loved the 12 days of Christmas, mon Kapitano, on which Galaxy did you find those?

cheers,
"Percy"

MissMeliss said...

First, LOVE the PC 12 Days. Hilarious.

Second? I know no Christmas jokes. I do have a Hanukkah joke, however, if that's acceptable?

You know what a creche is?
It's the sound a Hanukkah bush makes when it falls.

Haven't visited here in a while, saw your name in Michele's sidebar, and felt I needed to visit.

pads said...

Loved the twelve days of christmas captain, have a few christmas cracker jokes told to me by little bear lol.

Who brings cats presents?

Santa Paws


What do you call a cat on the beach at christmas time?

Sandy claws


What do you get if you cross father christmas with a detective

Santa clues


What is father christmas wife called.

Mary Christmas


Why was santa's little helper depressed?

Because he had low elf esteem.

Hope you like these captain.

Love pads

Mary who

Merry christmas

Tammy said...

It's too early in the morning for me to think of any stories, lol...but I did want to wander by and wish you a Merry Christmas!

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