Santa Claus On The Enterprise

At the moment, I am putting on a red suit and a white beard, having already inserted a large cushion under the suit. Riker is with me, with a smile on his face.

"I don't see why I have to dress up, Number One" I protest, "After all, Santa's Cave will be created on the holodeck. Why can't we have a holographic Santa?"

"It's not the same thing, Captain." replies Riker, "The children are smart and know what is real and what is a hologram." They expect a real person to do it.

Somehow I suspect that Riker is only saying that because he has sadistic tendancies and likes to see me in these sort of situations.

I walk in my Santa suit to Holodeck 2, where the Cave program has been set up.

"Picard SantaCave3; start program."

"Affirmative"

The doors open and we enter enter a magical cave full of sparkling magical things. Elves are working away, and through a slit, we see a cottage, together with reindeer in the stables.

Riker and I carry on to another section, where I see a giant chair; presents are strewn all around.

"Now that you are here, I'll tell Deanna to let the first of the children through. She's the head Elf."

Riker leaves; I'm sure I hear a laugh from the direction he has gone.

I sit myself down on a really hard stone chair. That cushion I put for my stomach might be better used on the chair."

The first little horror is about to come in.

Deanna, all dressed in her Elf outfit comes in, holding the hand of a little five year old. She hides behind Deanna.

"She's a little shy, Capt...I mean Santa." says Deanna, "This is Felicity."

"Ho ho ho!, little girl" I say, "Don't be afraid; come to Santa and tell me what you want for Christmas."

Felicity approaches me, and haltingly starts to tell me what she wants.

Then she is sick over my red outfit.

Deanna quickly leads Felicity away, who is crying. I have to get cleaned up before the next one comes in.

She returns soon with the next child, who is about six; he has a truculant face.

"This is Malcolm" announces Deanna.

Malcolm marches up with a look of determination.

"Now here's the deal, Captain." he tells me, "You will provide me with all the items that I want with the replicators, or else I tell the others that you are not Santa Claus, but are merely Captain Picard, and that the Head Elf is Deanna Troi. Got it?"

"Er...yes, Malcolm."

He runs through the items, that generally are fighting weapons from various races, especially the Klingons, and also devices of high intellectual skill."

"A pleasure to do business with you, Captain!" says Malcolm, as he leaves the Cave.

I wonder if he is related to the Ferengi? His ears did seem a little large.

That boy will go far.

Deanna brings in another little girl, who has a ponytail and is clinching a doll.

"This is Melody." she tells me.

"Hello, Melody!" I say in my booming Santa-type voice, "And what can Santa get for you?"

"Hello Santa" she says, as she unfurls a list, "I'd like a Barbie Counselor, a Barbie Doctor, a Barbie Commander, a Barbie Captain, a Klingon Barbie, a Romulan Barbie, a BorgDrone Barbie, a BorgQueen Barbie, a Bajoran Barbie, a Cardassian Barbie..."

Melody carries on for about ten minutes, then hands her list to Deanna.

After Melody has left I tell Deanna, "Do you think the replicators can take the strain?"

The children pass by one after the other; the stone chair is beginning to feel very hard!

Eventually Riker comes in, still with that grin.

"Richard was the last one, Captain. That's your duty as Santa done for another year."

He goes off, holding the Head Elf's hand.

A battle with the Borg seems so much easier than being Santa!

TWQ: Politically Correct Phrases

The Weekend Question (TWQ) this week at that awful modern creation; Political Correctness.

Can you name, or make up some politically correct phrases and explain what they are supposed to refer to?

Here are a few by me:

Children's Festival Representative: Santa Claus

Anti-Sobriety Activist: Alcoholic

Permantantly Static Post-Human Mass: Corpse

Client of the Correctional System: Prisoner

Melodramatically Fixated: Hooked on Soap Operas

Now it's over to you...

--------------------------

Check the details below for the Enterprise Christmas Party. Remember that you have until the 30th November to send your entries in!

You Know You're Addicted to 'Star Trek' When...

I recently found this...

You Know You're Addicted to 'Star Trek' When...

Your favorite drink: Tea, earl grey, hot

You can quote the name of every single episode just by watching the first 10 seconds of the introductory clip

You own 13 Star Trek Technical Manuals and Blue Print Schematics of all Starship but you no longer need them

When seeing a doctor, you're afraid of getting a shot and ask for a hypospray instead

Your electronic project: Positronic brain

You have 4 TVs at home and each of them are playing TOS, TNG, DS9 and VOY respectively 24 hours a day non-stop

You remembered the lock up code that Data uses on the Enterprise's Main Bridge before beaming down to meet Dr. Soong and Lore

You've learned playing the song "The Inner Light" with a penny whistle

After broken your neighbour's window, instead of just running away, you try to use the "Picard Maneuver" to escape

You're hosting a conference, your response to any suggestions: Make it so

You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends who are addicted to Star Trek.

-------------------------------------------

A reminder of the Enterprise Christmas Party, that will start on the 5th of December:

What I'm asking you to do is write a short post of what happens from your viewpoint at the party. It will be then published in the Journal.

These are the rules to remember:

1: The post is from YOUR viewpoint only. You can involve Enterprise characters, plus other known races and figures, such as the Romulans, the Borg, Q, Lwaxana Troi, or make some up yourself. You can even include some bloggers that are likely to be there (see my Guest Quarters' list on my blog).

2: There is the resident band (Sid Starr & The Starrlighters) and the catering to consider. You are only limited by your imagination!

3: The length should be what you consider suitable.

4: Remember this is a family-friendly blog, so take heed of what you write.

5: In accordance with Rule 4, I reserve the right to trim entries or not to publish them if I consider them unsuitable.

6: The closing date for entries is Wednesday 30th November.

7: Send your entries to: Captain Picard (wibblywebb-1@yahoo.co.uk) marking your entry 'Enterprise Christmas Party'. The E Mail address is also under 'Secure Channel' on my blog page.

8: Don't forget to include your blog ID and your blog address so you can be credited.

9: If I get a substantial number of entries, I will be doing several posts together, to be changed daily from the 5th December.

Good luck, everybody!

--------------------------------

Lastly, to all those in the USA......Happy Thanksgiving!

Christmas Shopping With Deanna & Beverly

I'm here again, using the Cappy's Journal to write the events of the day, Aren't I wicked? Giggle.

Don't worry, you won't need to watch out for me. Bev is standing guard by the door. If the Cappy starts coming, she can delay him with a few sultry looks. It always throws him out of sync.
--------------------------------------------

It was time to do some serious Christmas shopping with Bev. As Guinan was such a drag last time, we didn't want her along. She's such a namedropper, as she keeps mentioning all the people she's met over the last 600 years. Bor-ing!

Trisha Lewis and Jennifer Baxter wanted to come along, but Bev & I are both Commander rank. We can't be seen shopping with Ensigns. We do have our positions to consider, don't we?

We were going shopping mainly for presents for our men.

"That's what we want to do!" protested Trisha, "I want to get Geordi a cool new visor with flashing lights, and Jennifer wants to get a trendy new hairpiece for Data's head. It can grow into a ponytail when activated."

"Then you'll have to go by yourselves." said Bev flatly, "Us Commanders are off to the Starfleet Mall."

We arrive at D'Garth's Dresses.

"Let's in and get our dresses for the Enterprise Christmas Party." I suggest.

"I thought we were shopping for our men, Deanna?" replies Bev.

"We are; the dresses we buy will be appreciated by them." I say naughtily.

We break up in a fit of giggles. Aren't we just wicked?

After a couple of hours, we choose our dresses, and leave the exhausted salesman.

Bev goes into Ferengi Fishnets.

"I need something for the dress" she says, with a mischievous giggle.

That's my girl!

After sitting in the Starfleetbucks cafe, having some coffee, we carry on shopping; lots more to do yet!

We go into the Klingonborders bookshop. Bev gets 'The Bumper Book of Dramatic Quotes: a line for every occasion.'

"Jean-Luc will love this; he always wants to say something dramatic during those big occasions. This book will have a feast of over the top phrases."

Shh! Don't tell him she's bought that, will you? It's a surprise for the Cappy!

We next go in to Mbana's Music. There's something here that I want for Will.

I see a beautiful handcrafted trombone; it's gorgeous, and have it engraved, 'To Will, my one true love, Deanna.'

"What about Worf?" asks Bev quietly.

"He's our girly secret!" I sneakily say. Aren't I a naughty Counselor? Giggle!

We then head into Klingon Battlepower, the warfare shop.

The shopowner, Vborl, shows me a beautiful handcrafted bat'leth. I ask him to engrave in tiny writing, 'To Worf, my one true love, Deanna.'

Shhh! no telling now! Giggle!

After beaming our goods to the Enterprise, we go the Ferengi Bar. The only way to relax after intensive shopping is to drink quite a few Bajoran Brandies.

A few hours later, we stagger out, and beam up.

-----------------------------

Bev is talking outside to the Cappy, giving him the charm, and saying how she looks forward to being at the party with him.

I finish this and will walk out to greet him. he won't notice after Bev has been chatting him up!

Ah, the power of us women!

Party Details

The staff are assembled to go over more details for the Enterprise Christmas Party that will start on the 5th of December.

Actually, it's Stardate 52157.3, but how is anybody supposed to remember that? I know I could never get it right, and tended to make up a set of numbers when dictating events.

All are present except Geordi La Forge. He is currently in SickBay, as he is suffering from bruising and stress.

He hasn't been on an Away Mission; this is as a result of Ensign Tricia Lewis, who has transferred on to the Enterprise and taken rather a shine to Mr LaForge.

It was Geordi who suggested that Ensign Lewis go to the meeting in his place. He privately said to Beverly that it was so that he could get some peace and quiet for a while.

Guinan is also here, as the party will take place in Ten Forward, she will be overseeing a lot of the drinking.

"Do we have enough drink, Guinan?" asks Riker.

"We've got lots of the real thing all ready, Commander." she replies, "Also, the replicators will be on hand to keep everybody going. I know you Officers can drink like fishes."

Everybody laughs, except Data, who has that quizzical look on his face, as if he's going to ask a ridiculous question.

"What shall we do if the replicators fail?"

There it is.

Guinan rolls her eyes and replies, "Don't worry about that, Commander. There will be a nearby supply base called 'H'Garth's 24 Hour Starfleet Spirit Service'. It has every drink in the Quadrant there.

"Even Klingon Blood Wine?" asks Worf.

"Even that" she replies.

Everyone seems satisfied. Hold on, Data is going to ask another silly question.

"What will happen if there is an interplanetary war at the time of the party, Captain? Will all our plans have to be abandoned?"

Talk about someone dampening the party spirit.

"Don't worry about that, Mr Data" I tell him, "We are not going to be in any troublesome areas; after all, we'll be in the Earth Solar System, not the Romulan Neutral Zone."

"Will Sid Starr be alright?" inquires Beverly, "I know his nurse is coming from the Retirement Home, but will he have the stamina to lead the band?"

"I believe so." replies Riker, "She is bringing some booster vitamin shots. She'll be by his side with those and the oxygen mask. At the first sign of flagging, he gets a shot."

I could do with that.

"Has everybody got their date?" asks Trisha Lewis with a giggle, "I know I've got my Geordi to come with me. Aren't I a lucky girl?"

"The Captain is going with Dr Crusher" Riker tells her, "I shall be going with Counselor Troi, Commander Data will be going with Jennifer Baxter, Guinan will be at the bar. It means Worf won't have a date!"

Deanna Troi looks a little red, and Worf has a slightly guilty look.

"Er, that's alright, Captain" he says, "I do have to maintain security amongst the guests."

"A Miss Jadzia Dax from Deep Space Nine told me a few months ago that she was keen on meeting Mr Worf." I say, "But soon after, she changed her mind. I think that was just after you
visited the station, Counselor. Any ideas why?"

"I haven't the remotest." replies Deanna, with that same guilty look Worf just had.

Am I missing something?

I decide to end the meeting when Riker says that he wants to mention something.

This sounds like trouble heading my way.

"On a separate issue, Captain, have you given any thought as to who will be playing Santa Claus this year when the children have to come and ask him for their presents?"

Everyone looks at me.

"Why do I always do it, Number One?" I protest, "After all, you're the one with the beard."

"The children look up to you, Captain." says Deanna, "It's only natural that the Captain should do this role. It's a very important one."

Trisha Lewis giggles again.

I've been painted into a corner by my loyal crew. In a week's time, It'll be on with the red suit.

------------------------

The party details are on the post for Thursday 17th below. Take a look!

TWQ: Best & Worst Adverts

Firstly, my thanks to PureMood for creating the above new title graphic, and for showing me how to put it on. Thanks, PM!

---------------
The Weekend Question (TWQ) this week looks at those interruptions to our tv programmes:

What have been the best and worst tv adverts you have ever seen?

My answer is:

My favourite was the animated one in the mid-1970's, where a bear would suddenly break out into song and do an Elvis impression, singing the virtues of Schweppes tonic water to the tune of 'Teddy Bear'. There were female bears in the background doing back-up!

Another favourite are the ones for Cadbury's Smash (potato in a packet). Aliens would fall about laughing when they saw it.

The worst ones are patronising ones. Currently, there is one for Halifix Bank, where the animated figure uses a grating exaggerated accent to promote it. Do they think it will sell more?

There are also so many adverts promising 'financial help' that are all the same. They say 'as long as you are a homeowner'....in other words, so that we can take it off you if you can't pay.

A lot of adverts always portray men as incompetant idiots, with his wife as the smart one. An advert would never do it the other way around.

Now it's your turn....

---------------------

Don't forget, the Enterprise Christmas Party Invite is on the post below. Check it out for details!

Your Christmas Party Invitation!

This is your official invitation to the Enterprise Christmas Party that starts on Monday 5th December!

What I'm asking you to do is write a short post of what happens from your viewpoint at the party. It will be then published in the Journal.

These are the rules to remember:

1: The post is from YOUR viewpoint only. You can involve Enterprise characters, plus other known races and figures, such as the Romulans, the Borg, Q, Lwaxana Troi, or make some up yourself. You can even include some bloggers that are likely to be there (see my Guest Quarters' list on my blog).

2: There is the resident band (Sid Starr & The Starrlighters) and the catering to consider. You are only limited by your imagination!

3: The length should be what you consider suitable.

4: Remember this is a family-friendly blog, so take heed of what you write.

5: In accordance with Rule 4, I reserve the right to trim entries or not to publish them if I consider them unsuitable.

6: The closing date for entries is Wednesday 30th November.

7: Send your entries to: Captain Picard (wibblywebb-1@yahoo.co.uk) marking your entry 'Enterprise Christmas Party'. The E Mail address is also under 'Secure Channel' on my blog page.

8: Don't forget to include your blog ID and your blog address so you can be credited.

9: If I get a substantial number of entries, I will be doing several posts together, to be changed daily from the 5th December.

Good luck, everybody!

Geordi's Blind Date (Part Two)

.

A couple of days have passed, and I'm really tensed up, man.

After my application to Starfleet Singles, the date they have sent me, Ensign Trisha Lewis will be arriving on the Enterprise from the Orion, as the two ships were due to meet. As a result, we'll be having our first date.

Nervous City, Arizona for for this guy. The chicks seem to disappear usually faster than a rabbit in a magician's hat.

I tell the Main Man that there is a 'friend of mine' on the Orion whom I need to say hello, so he let's me be part of the Welcoming Committee for those beaming over from the other ship.

We are all there in the Ttransporter Room as a group of individuals beam on. At the front is the Captain, who goes forward to greet the Main Man and Riker. Behind him and the others from the Orion is a statuesque blonde female in her mid-twenties, six foot tall, who looks as if she has spent a long time in the ship's gym Even her muscles have muscles; is she human?

She rushes forward and kisses Worf, grabbing him in a vice-like clinch.

"Geordi!!" she exclaims, "I've waited SO long to meet you! I'm you're beloved Trisha!"

"Unhand me, madam!" says Worf, "Mr La Forge is over there."

She turns to look at me and runs towards me, grabbing me, and squeezing my body until I vitually run out of air.

"I'm here for you at last, Geordi, my precious!"

Everyone looks round in amazement, but in that kind of diplomatic politeness. The Main Man, meanwhile, tries to talk to the Captain of the Orion about other things.

In the meantime, Trisha Lewis is still hugging and kissing me. That clinch she has on me is stronger than that of a giant Targ.

Then I pass out and wake up in SickBay.

Beverly is treating me, while Trisha is holding my hand.

"What happened, man?" I ask.

"Geordi" says Beverly, "Your body lost too much air and you passed out; don't worry, you'll be fine."

"How's my adorable Geordi?" asks Trisha, kissing my face all over, "Don't worry, I'll be here to take care of you from now on. I've asked the Captain of the Orion if I can have a Transfer to the Enterprise so that we can be together. He seemed quite willing to let me go."

I stagger up to walk out of SickBay. Trisha holds me up tightly and I almost pass out again.

"We're going to have so much fun, Geordi, now that you have me to look after you. I'll always be here so that we can have a great time together. Do you think we should be engaged yet?"

Panic City, Arizona, man!

"Err...we barely know each other, yet, Trisha. Let's give it some time. We'll... err...have a few dates and see how it goes."

Trisha seems unaffected by this and hums "Here Comes The Bride."

I continue to stagger down the corridor, with Trisha by my side.

Do you remember the good old days when the chicks used to reject me all the time?

They were Fond Memories City, Arizona.

---------------------------------------------------------

To all Blog Friends....don't forget that details of the Enterprise Christmas Party will be published on Thursday!

-------------------------------------------------------

Geordi's Blind Date (Part One)

.

Yo! It's me, Geordi here again, man.

I've decided that I'm not going be the only one at the Enterprise Christmas Party without a date. I want to have a good looking chick with me for the occasion.

Hey! Even my pal Data is hitched up; he has Ensign Jennifer Baxter going with him. I tried to get Joanne Weston to come with me, but she treats me like I've got the Tyrellian Flu.

Then I saw this advert in The Federation Bugle:

Are you lonely? Do you need a a partner? Starfleet Singles can match you up using our advanced computer dating methods. Send off for our form and we'll find a partner for you.

Hey, this looks like Paradise City, Arizona!

Right away, I send off for a form on encrypted subspace. After all, we don't want the Main Man or any of the others to find out.

Less than two hours later, the form is here.

It says, "This is your chance to find happiness at last after years of failure; within these pages is your key to love."

Wow! Open the door; Fun City, Arizona lies ahead!

I look at the questions and answer them:

Name: Geordi La Forge

Age:Umm...36 32 25

Height: Umm.... 5 foot 5 inches 6 foot

Type of person: Human

Occupation: Chief Engineer, Starship Enterprise

What are you looking for in your partner: A hot babe between 18 and 30.

How far away would you want your partner to be?: Hey, I'm on a starship, man, distance is no object, though the Delta Quadrant is just a little too far! If she has her own shuttlecraft, it'll be a great bonus.

What type of person would you want your partner to be?: Preferably human. A Betazoid can tell what I'm thinking Klingons are way too aggressive, Ferengi are only interested in money, Vulcans are too cool in their emotions. After all, I want someone a little livelier, man!

Are you looking for a long or short term relationship?: As I haven't had one at all in recent times, I'm just looking for Romance City, Arizona.

I mail off the form again.

A few hours later, I get a response from 'Starfleet Singles'.

It says, Congratulations! We have found the ideal woman for you! She is Ensign Trisha Lewis of the Starship Orion. We suggest you send her a message saying that you are interested in meeting her.

I send a letter to the Orion to be read only by Ensign Lewis.

"Hey babe! This is your lucky day! The man of your dreams wants to contact you! I'm Geordi from the Enterprise, and our ships are due to meet in a couple of days. We can have a hot date then, that will be Joy City, Arizona. for both of us."

I get a reply a few minutes later,

"Dear Geordi, I look forward to our meeting and First Date when the Orion and Enterprise meet soon. Until then, Fondest Wishes, Trisha"

It looks like it's Cupid City, Arizona for Geordi and this gal, man!

TWQ: Work

The Weekend Question (TWQ) this week looks at employment:

What was the very first job that you ever had? Did you ever have an unusual occupation?

My answer is:

Just after I left school, I joined the gas industry as a temporary clerk in the Conversion Stores. At the time, all the country was being converted from town gas to North Sea Gas and required the engineers to change parts. This procedure was just coming to an end when I applied as a permanant clerk in the same company. I have been with them since then, doing different roles.

For a short time in the 1980's, my parents owned a newspaper shop, which I used to help out in on Saturday. This gave me immense job satisfaction, as I helped in the family business.

Now it's over to you...

--------------------------------------

Important: * Next Thursday Alert*

Next Thursday, I will be posting details about how YOU can be involved in the Enterprise Christmas Party.

Be sure to look in!

Mind Swap (Part Three)

I get to the Bridge of the 23rd Century Enterprise after being summoned.

I am still trapped in the body of Captain James T Kirk.

"Klingons are approaching, Sir" Mr Sulu informs me.

"Perhaps we ought to talk to them and work on a peaceful resolve." I suggest.

McCoy laughs out loud.

"That is not logical, Captain." Spock tells me, "The Klingons are a violent race, and have always wanted to destroy the Enterprise and the Federation."

"We are being hailed." Uhura tells me.

The viewscreen comes on.

A man with a slightly aggressive face comes on.

"Captain Kirk, you will surrender the Enterprise over to the Klingon Empire or be destroyed"

"Is he supposed to be a Klingon?" I whisper to Spock, "He looks nothing like a Klingon!"

"Um, yes, he is, Captain, the Klingons don't like to speak of the affliction that has swept the Empire over the last couple of years. It shames them, and they hope it will be eradicated soon. It's called Cheapmakeuponitis."

I sit down in the chair and issue instructions.

"Evasive Manouvre Delta Four, Mr Scott" I say.

Scotty looks puzzled.

"I dinna ken yer meaning, Cap'n"

I forgot that we are not on the Enterprise D.

Swiftly I get up, ask Mr Chekov to move, and take control of the helm. I fly at top speed towards a nearby planet, with the Klingon ship following. Everyone looks panic stricken.

"This is not logical." states Mr Spock.

"I'm phoning home. " screams Uhura.

"Have you gone mad, Jim?" shouts McCoy.

At the very last moment, I pull the Enterprise away from the planet's atmosphere.

"Yae cannae break the laws o' physics...och, ma engines!" groans Scotty.

The Klingon ship carries on into the planet's atmosphere and explodes.

"Is that how problems are solved in the 24th Century, Captain?" Spock quietly asks me.

Then they all suddenly freeze.

"Well done, Jean-Luc" a familiar voice whispers to me.

Q

"So it's you, Q, that are responsible for bringing me here?"

"Of course, Jean-Luc. I just wanted to see how you would react with a different starship in an earlier Century. You did very well."

"What about the timeline?" I protest.

"Oh, these people will forget everything that happened, including Kirk, when I bring him back here. Bye for now, Jean-Luc..."

Suddenly, I am back on the Bridge of the Enterprise D. Everyone is looking at me.

"Are you all right, Captain?" Riker asks.

"You seem very confused." says Deanna."I thought you said something odd to me a little earlier. It must be my hearing."

Beverly comes on the Bridge. She quietly talks to me.

"Jean-Luc, you'll really have to switch your Com badge off in the future next time you visit the SickBay."

I wonder what she means by that?

Mind Swap (Part Two)

.

I've woken up in this gorgeous place.

Where is that girl I was with last night? Yeoman um.....never mind.

Suddenly I take a look in a mirror. I'm this old guy with a serious hair deficit.

That will damage my standing with the female crew members and aliens who happen to take a shine to me.

Looking at the computer, everything seems so futuristic. The computer tells me I am in the 24th Century on the Enterprise D and that my name is Jean-Luc Picard.

This ship has things like replicators, holodecks, and a large bar for relaxation. I would say serious comfort is ahead.

I'll even live with the bald head if I stay here. Perhaps I should wear a toupee?

I wonder who this week's love interest is for Picard?

The outfits aren't cheap looking, and look rather smart; I put one on and head for the Bridge.

What a snazzy looking starship!

What puzzles is why aren't the women walking around in miniskirts? Why isn't this Enterprise decorated in loud colours?

I even see children walking about. What are they doing here, when we should be blowing Klingon spaceships up?

I get to the Bridge; what is the first thing I see? A Klingon!

Are they taking over? Is there an invasion?

He has a Starfleet uniform on, so he must be a crewmember. I tell you one thing, I'm not turning my back on him for a minute when he is in the same room.

I sit down in my down in my extra-comfy chair. A guy with a beard sits next to me. He must be 'Riker', who the computer said is my second in command.

A gorgeous dark-haired babe comes in. I talk to her quietly.

"Are you my love interest for this week?"

"Sorry. Captain, what did you say?" she asks with a red face. Obviously not.

"Err... I said I've lost my gloves earlier this week" I hurriedly say.

She looks at Riker and points in my direction.

A weird looking guy comes up to me; judging by his rank, he must be Commander Data. He looks almost like a robot. Surely he can't be.

"We are approaching Sector 17, Captain." he informs me.

"Are you all right, Captain?" says the dark haired woman. "Perhaps you need to see Dr Crusher; perhaps she can help you if you have one of your headaches."

Another woman? Well, let's see what she looks like.

As I leave the Bridge a man comes in wearing a visor.

"Cool shades." I say to him.

He looks puzzled.

I enter the SickBay to be greeted by a lovely red-headed babe.

"Hello Jean-Luc" she says, "What's the problem?"

"Dr Crusher...? I ask. She is a definate improvement on Bones McCoy.

"You know you can call me 'Beverly' in here."

"You must be this week's love interest." I say.

"Sorry, Jean-Luc, I must have misheard that."

I am about to go forward to give her a kiss, which she seems very keen on receiving, when my Com badge signals.

"Riker here, Captain; we need you on the Bridge."

Why are these things always happening?

Back on the Bridge, Riker tells me an alien ship of unknown origin is approaching."

"Destroy it with a full spread of photon torpedoes." I say with my usual Kirk-in-action voice, when hostile forces approach.

Everyone looks round in amazement.

"Shouldn't we talk to them first, sir?" asks Riker, "They might be a peaceful race just passing through."

"I like to shoot them first, then ask questions later."

"We're a peaceful ship, sir, we don't want to blow everything up we see."

What an odd way of travelling through space.

We eventually talk to the aliens and establish diplomatic relations.

Things sure are different here in the 24th Century.

I wonder how Picard is faring with Bones & Spock?

Mind Swap (Part One)

I've woken up this morning in a strange place.

The room is much smaller, and everything looks eather primative, although I have noticed that I'm still on a starship.

I feel my head; I have hair! That hasn't happened for a long time.

When I look over at the mirror, I don't see Picard, but somebody else.

Captain James T Kirk.

For some reason, I'm on the Enterprise of the 23rd Century. This tells me that today could be rather a problem.

A young lady walks in to my quarters. She has long blonde hair, an old-style Starfleet uniform that consisted of mini-skirts and red tops for all women.

"Who are you?" I inquire.

"So it's true." she tells me, "You DO always forget your women once you have been with them. I happen to be Yeoman Cressida, your love interest for this week. I started on the Enterprise two days ago and within ten minutes you were charming me. You said at the time to yourself that you were getting slow at chatting them up."

Perhaps the crew can help me out and somehow get me sent forward again to the 24th Century. Mr Spock was always the clever one in this crew.

I head for the Bridge. The crew is dressed in ridiculously cheap looking uniforms. One would think Starfleet were on a budget then.

At the Bridge, I see Uhura on Communications, Mr Chekov & Mr Sulu on Navigation.

Mr Scott, the Chief Engineer is also there.

"I cannae see hae we gonna get tae Starbase 3, Cap'n." he says weirdly, "The Dilithium Crystals are faillin us!"

The Universal Translator must be a little faulty on this ship.

Mr Spock is on the opposite side in his cheap-looking blue uniform, pressing buttons that look as if they have been glued on ; how did they ever get this Enterprise to fly is beyond me. It looks positively unsafe.

"Um, Mr Spock, I need to have a private word with you about a difficulty."

We go into Kirk's Ready Room.

"Is it concerning Mr Sulu, and that 'matter' that Starfleet have kept supressed?"

"No, Mr Spock. What if I told you that I am not Captain Kirk?"

"Fascinating" he quietly speaks, "Then who do you think you are?"

"I think I am.....no, I mean I am a Captain of the Enterprise of the 24th Century, and my mind is in the body of Captain Kirk."

"Fascinating."

Why does he KEEP saying that word!

"Could you not do that good old standby, the Vulcan Mind Meld to know what I am saying?"

"Very well, Captain."

He does the Mind Meld.

"Fascinating." he says yet again, "You seem to be Jean-Luc Picard of the Enterprise D in the 24th Century. Why are you here?"

"I don't know, Spock; I was hoping you could help me! Maybe Doctor McCoy might know something."

"That is illogical, Captain. The Doctor is somewhat limited in his knowledge of medical, let alone scientific matters."

"You may be right, but I'm getting a headache from all this; let's go and see him."

We go to SickBay. The nurse there, who Spock says is Christine Chapel, looks rather familiar somehow, although I can't think why she should.

She gives a sly smile to Mr Spock.

Dr McCoy comes up to me.

"Hi Jim" he laughs, "What did you think of this week's love interest?"

He then turns to Spock.

"What do you want here, you pointy eared green blooded Vulcan? Just here to annoy me?"

"No, Doctor." Spock tells him, "The Captain has a problem."

He tells the story.

"I'm a doctor, not a time machine, Spock! The Captain is going to have to hope he reverts back."

My communicator starts signalling.

"We've got an emergency on the Bridge, Captain" says Mr Chekov urgently, "We need you up here."

I'd better try and sort it out.

I wonder how Captain Kirk is getting on in the 24th Century?

TWQ: Musicals

The Weekend Question (TWQ) is starting a day earlier bacause I'm going down to London to see the musical 'Mamma Mia' for the second time. As a result, I won't be back on the computer until Sunday.

As a result, the TWQ takes a musical tone:

What have been your favourite stage and/or film musicals in the past? What do you like about them? Which one would you like to see if you could?

Here is my entry:

I have seen quite a few stage musicals, although the only one I have actually gone and visited again, is 'Mamma Mia!', as I am doing now. Other outstanding stage productions are 'Joseph & The Amazing Technicolour Drreamcoat' and 'Chicago'.

I haven't seen too many film musicals that appealed to be greatly. 'Cabaret' was an exception, where every tune was brilliant, and there was an intelligent storyline.

'Hair' was always a stage musical I would have wanted to see; not the updated version, but the original '60's' version. 'Aquarius', 'Let The Sun Shine In' & 'I Got Life' were ideal for the stage.

Now it's over to you...

First Contact

Starfleet have ordered us to go to the planet Valos, as observers have noticed they are on the brink of discovering warp drive.

It is our job to beam down, establish First Contact, and encourage them to join the Federation.

I am going along with Counselor Troi, who is always good at this sort of thing, and Commander Data.

He may be a mistake, but he has asked to come on this mission, and I couldn't think of an excuse a reason not to bring him along.

The three of us beam down into the building that is deigned for the mayor of the capital city.

As we do, a group of people wearing 1920's gear with trilbys look in amazement at us.

"Get security quickly!" says the mayor, "We are being invaded by hoods from the East Side!!

This doesn't look like being an easy First Contact; already10 deadly firearms are pointing at us.

"No need for aggression, gentlemen." I say in my best diplomatic Captain voice, "we are a peaceful race who wish to make First Con.."

"Got a lot to say for himself, hasn't he?" the Mayor says to the man who obviously his second in command."

"He sure has, Max. Shall I pump him full of lead now?"

I seem to have heard this line of talking before, I think with old Jimmy Cagney movies.

Deanna tries her Counselor approach.

"Surely we can all talk together. We are from the Starship Enter..."

"What a moll, boss!" exclaims the deputy, "That dame has some great pins."

"She sure has, Ricky," replies Max the mayor, and he looks at me.

"Whadaya guys want? To take over the town?"

Data comes forward to them; they try and shoot, but the bullets fly off. The mayor and all his hoods look in amazement as he takes the firearms and breaks them up.

I think I know the approach to take with these people.

"Now listen here, see?" I say to them, "I'm Johnny Picard, and me and my associates want you to join our mob, see. You people are on the verge of making great discoveries. We want you to be with us when you do, see?"

"Err..yeah, sure, Johnny, you're the boss." Max stutters.

"We're going now, but you'll here from us again, see?" I tell them.

We beam out; Deanna whispers to me.

"Just how many Prime Directive rules did we break there, Captain?"

"I'm not sure, Counselor, but the Valorians will be interesting additions to the Federation."