Alexander The Celebrity Chef (Part One)

Guest poster: Worf

This week, my son Alexander begins a new school year in the Enterprise classroom.

Though he has to learn essential grammar and numbers, it alarms me that he has to master how to bake a cake. I would much prefer him to be training as a Klingon warrior by slaying monsters and Romulans in the holodeck.

"Worfie." says Jadzia, "You are being so old fashioned. Let Alexander express himself in any way he wishes. You'll be proud of him."

"I would be far more proud if he brought me the head of a savage K'tagh beast." I complain.

---------

Alexander returns from school, looking rather pleased.



"Father." he says to me, "After Miss Forrester gave us all that cooking assignment to do, I have decided that I wish to become a celebrity chef."

Jadzia barely manages to conceal her smile as I look annoyed.

"Alexander." I tell him, "You will become a Klingon warrior. Every so often you come to me with different ideas of what you want to be. Not long ago, you said you aspired to be a ballet dancer. You need a career that will unleash your Klingon fury."

"Then a celebrity chef is an ideal career, father." Alexander replies, "I've read in history books that all celebrity chefs need to do is shout and swear at anyone who enters their kitchen. In fact, I've been learning lots of new swear words to help me."

"Err....I don't think that is necessary, Alexander." Jadzia tells him, "It is not very honourable."

"That is true." I say, "Refrain from doing so...unless you are confronting a savage K'targh beast."

I tell the two of them that we are going to visit Miss Forrester, the school teacher.

To be continued...

Preparing For The Enterprise Christmas Party

I gather the Senior Staff in the Ready Room for the latest briefing.

"Staff." I announce, "We have had an announcement from Starfleet that me must cut back on the expendure we lay out for the annual Christmas Party."

A collective groan raises up from everybody there.



"What's it to do with them?" Jadzia protests, "You can be sure they won't be cutting out on anything as the Admirals go on the party circuit on Earth"

A collective sound of agreement with Jadzia comes from around the table.

"That's not all." I continue, "Starfleet are somewhat reluctant to let people from the 21st Century visit the party as we have done in the past. They feel there is a possibilty that it could affect the timeline."

"That's not true." Bev comments, "We haven't noticed anything, and they have all agreed not to tell anyone of their visit when they get home."

"I agree." I tell her, "We'll invite them and hope Starfleet turn a blind eye. We might get in trouble for expenditure, but the Christmas Party comes first!"

Everybody cheers.
"Lastly." I say, "They are not keen to let people like the Borg Queen attend."

At this, Seven of Nine gets very angry.



"That is not a good idea, Locutus." she tells me firmly, "The Borg Queen considers the Party one of the highlights of her calendar year, and will most likely assimilate someone out of pique if she doesn't get an invitation."

This leaves me somewhat stymed.

"Very well." I say, "She can come."

"Affirmative, Locutus." Seven replies, "I'm sure the Queen is already selecting her hat and party dress."



"Where are we going to have the Party this year, Captain?" asks Riker, "Last year it was a holoderck replica of a Borg cube."

This leaves me slightly puzzled, so I ask around the table for ideas. Bev comes up with a suggestion.

"Wes and Karena's ship, the USS Rhode Island are going to Karena's home planet Wondawowman for their Christmas Party. Why don't we all join them there? The amazons said they will host everything for them."

Nods of approval go around.

"What about the men on our ships?" I ask, "Will the amazons serve them? I know they see men as lesser beings."

"They had agreed to serve the men as well." Bev answers, "As long as the men don't ask for specific items."

Bev goes out and returns ten minutes later.

"It's on." she tells us, "The Wondawowman amazons will host both ships' parties in the first full week of December.."

I feel slightly apprehensive; it means that us men have got to watch what we say and do. If I ask Queen Diana for a dance, she'll be insulted! She has to ask.

I think I'd rather dance with the Borg Queen than the Amazonian Queen!

--------------

Editor's Note:

For those readers unaware, the Enterprise Christmas Party consists of readers of this Journal sending in their entries of what happened to them from their viewpoint when at the Christmas Party. A Formal Invite will go out in the near future.

Here are a couple of examples:

http://jlpicard.blogspot.com/2008/12/enterprise-christmas-party-part-one.html

http://jlpicard.blogspot.com/2008/12/enterprise-christmas-party-part-five.html


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Also, the meme that used to appear here on Monday or Tuesday will now appear on my new sister blog Captain Picard's Meme Holodeck.

TWQ: Every TV Episode

The TWQ (The Weekend Question) this week is for those who love certain tv programmes.

Which tv programmes have you seen EVERY episode (so far) and always love to see them again? List as many as you wish.

My answers are:

* Blackadder
* Stargate: SG1
* Fawlty Towers
* Lost
* Prison Break

Now it's over to you...

Ensign Britney's Parents (Part Six)

Now all the diplomatic problems on Ensign Britney's home planet of Delta have been sorted out, and I have got out of that awkward situation with Natalia, we are all ready to return to the Enterprise. T'Pol has met Britney's parents.

There is still one awkward problem.

As we have to say goodbye to the Ambassadors Yul and Natalia, there is the risk that something might happen when Bev collects us. As Natalia is so forward, anything could happen.

----------

The shuttlecraft touches down and Bev emerges. It's good to see her again.



"Jean-Luc!" she calls enthusiastically, and kisses me firmly, "It's so good to see you again."

Bev then whispers quietly in my ear, "There's lots more of that for you when we get back on board."

I try to look as pleased as possible, but can hear the twin footsteps of Yul and Natalia approaching.



Natalia sits down and reveals her long legs. She has decided to wear that short white dress again when she tried to seduce me the other night.

"Ambassador Natalia." Bev says somewhat icily, looking at her shapely figure.

"Doctor Crusher." replies Natalia, "We have being showing your Captain EVERY hospitality while he has been here. It will be sad to see him go."

Natalia really skates around her words; the emphasis on every that she used is not lost on Bev. The beads of sweat on my brow start to increase.

"Oh, really." Bev comments, "Well that's what I'll be doing from now on."

Bev grabs my arm, and the two of us get on the shuttle, along with Britney and T'Pol.

--------------

Once back on the Enterprise, Bev and I are walking along the corridors together.

"Ambassador Natalia was very beautiful, don't you think, Jean-Luc." she asks.

This is like a hand grenade thrown in. I know there is only one way out.

"Yes she was." I reply, "In fact she tried to seduce me on one night, but I turned her down, saying I had someone else."

Bev smiles.

"Well said, Jean-Luc." she laughs, "I pressed Britney and T'Pol to tell me the truth and that's what they said. Britnery even said how amorous Natalia is. You did well to survive."

I did indeed, especially from Bev!

Ensign Britney's Parents (Part Five)

Guest Poster: Mirror T'Pol

Now that Brit and I have sorted out the problem Captain Picard had with Brit's mother Natalia, who tried to seduce him while we were all on her home planet of Delta, I have a problem of my own to face.

Britney's parents, Ambassadors Yul and Natalia have invited their daughter and me for a dinner party. Doubtless it's a 'getting to know you' event, and they want to find out all about me.

-----------

"Relax, sugar." Brit tells me as we prepare for the dinner, "They'll love you. Say, what do you think of this?"



"It looks great on you, honey." I reply, "But it's hardly dinner-party wear. Do you think you ought to look a little formal?"

"Nah." she laughs, "They love little old me just the way I am. I'll take the wig off, though. Mom and Dad like to see me as Deltans look.

I choose a more sober black outfit, and we set off in the direction of the Ambassadors' apartments.

"Mom! Dad!" shouts Britney as we go in, as Natalia and Yul hug her, and warmly say hello.

"I know we've met, T'Pol." Natalia says, "But I hope with this little dinner we can all be friends."

"Quite so." Yul pipes up from behind, "Britney, we have had the finest chefs prepare your favourite meal this evening...Deltan sea bass together with potato fragments."

"Yay!" Brit yells, "Fish and chips."

We all settle down, and Britney eats her food at a rate of knots. As she does, I feel the eyes of her parents turn round to me...here it comes....



"So, T'Pol." Natalia asks, "My daughter mentioned that you're over two hundred years old and from a parallel universe?"

"Err...yes." I reply, "I escaped from Captain Jonathan Archer in the 22nd century and went into suspended animation until the Enterprise woke me up."



"It was then you met Britney?" Yul chimes in.

"Err right..." I say, making sure I don't trip up and say the wrong thing, "Yes, that's right. Theb universe I came from was bent on galactic domination. I tried to return with Britney once,, but found they saw me as a fugitive. I realised that she and I were better off in this world."

I wonder if I said too much, but look at Brit, who winks at me and eats another chip.

"You and my daughter managed to get banned out of most of the nightclubs in the galaxy." Natalia asks, "That's quite a feat."

I'm a little stuck now, as I don't know how they want me to answer.



"Err..yes." I continue, "Britney and I are very much alike like that. We believe in enjoying ourselves."

A big smile appears on Natalia's face.

"I'm sure you both do, T'Pol." she says with a laugh, "When I was young, I only managed to get banned from half the nightclubs in the galaxy! Keep on going. You two are good together."

I heave a sigh of relief. It seems like I've been 'approved' by Britney's parents. As the whole family is so unorthodox, I should have realised nothing on Delta is like it is anywhere else!

-------------

"There you go, sistah." says Brit as we head back to our apartment, "I told you it would be a breeze. It will be time to head back to the Enterprise tomorrow."

We meet Captain Picard on the way back, who has a worried frown. Actually he tends to most times. He informs us that Doctor Crusher will be meeting us to take us back.

Normally the Captain would be pleased at that, but I think he is concerned in case Natalia shows up at the same time!

To be continued...

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Editor's Note:

The memes featured each week are now on my new blog Captain Picard's Meme Holdeck

Ensign Britney's Parents (Part Four)

Guest Poster: Ensign Britney

I'm beginning to think it was a big mistake having Captain Picard along with us on the trip to my home planet of Delta. I just wanted to intoduce my soulsitah T'Pol to them, but instead, my over-amourous mother has become attracted to the Captain. T'Pol and I just came across them as she was about to go way beyong normal Ambassadorial boundaries!

--------------

T'Pol and I retreat to our bedroom very quickly, but soon after, I herar a frantic knocking on the door. I know this isn't room service.

The Captain comes through, looking very stressed.

"Ensign Britney." he says desperately, "What you saw I could not get out of. Your mother had me cornered, and was staring to take off her clothes when you came in."

"My mother has always been very amorous." I concede, "I believe she has worked her way through many high-ranking officers."



"But your mother is married, Brit." T'Pol comments, "What does your father say about it."

"Oh, he doesn't mind." I reply, "In fact he has his own people he likes to stay with as well. That's the Deltan philosophy of alternate lifestyles. We never live conventionally. That's why I'm the way I am."

"Well what can we do?" the Captain asks, "I don't want to risk a diplomatic breach by rejecting Natalia, but she needs to be told that this sort of lifestyle isn't for me."

"Perhaps we need to ask my father?" I suggest, "He could tell her."

The Captain goes somewhat white, but agrees to it.

--------------

The next morning, the three of us are heading towards to offices of my father, Ambassador Yul.



"Good morning, Britney, T'Pol and Captain Picard." he says, ""What can I do for you?"

I give the Captain a kick with my Dr Martens boots and T'Pol and I push him forward."

"Ahhh..." the Captain starts, "Err....Ambassador Yul...I just want to mention that your wife Natalia visited last night..."

My father laughs out loud.

"Ah." he chuckes, "Natalia and I were chatting about that over cornflakes this morning, and how you avoided being seduced by her. Did you want me to mention to her that you don't indulge in the unusual lifestyles we do."

The Captain heaves a sigh of relief.

"Exactly, Ambassador." he says.

"There's nothing to worry about, Captain." he says, "We discussed it, and you have nothing to fear. Natalia realises that not all races live like we do."

He then turns to T'Pol and me.

"Now that is all sorted out." he says, "T'Pol, will you and Britney come to a formal dinner with Natalia and myself? We can have a good talk."

Now it's my turn and T'Pol's to look worried. What will happen?

To be continued....

--------------

Editor's Note:

Mimi's meme, when published, will be in Captain Picard's Meme Holodeck

TWQ: What Can You See?

This week's TWQ (The Weekend Question) does not ask you to do a lot. Just to look around the room from where you are.

List about five items you can see from where you are right now. They must not have any relation to computers at all.

My answers are:

* A clock that also shows temperature, sent as a present from Australia.

* A 'New Yorker' daily cartoon calendar.

* Dining room table.

* My writing desk

* The portrait of me I commissioned an artist to paint.

Now it's over to you...

Ensign Britney's Parents (Part Three)

I came to Ensign Britney's home planet of Delta with her and T'Pol so that I could avert a diplomatic crisis on her planet, and it looks like I've walked into another!

While Britney was introducing her parents, it became quite clear that Natalia, her mother, was very attacted to me.

Now how do I get out of this?

-----------------

I'm sitting in the room that has been assigned to me on Delta, talking to Riker on the ComLink

"Britney and T'Pol have gone out for a night on the town. It looks like the problem that I came to solve has been averted, Number One." I tell him, "I think they just wanted me to show up and say a few words. Yul and Natalia will carry everything out, although I think Natalia was just looking at me. The problem is.."

I get a knock on the door, tell Riker I have to go and say "Come in."



"Jean-Luc." says Natalia, "May I see you?"

Before I can say that it might not be a very appropriate thing to do, the door is closed and she is in.

"Err...Ambassador.." I stutter.

"This is no place for formalities, Jean-Luc" she tells me, "I'm Natalia. I notice you had been avoiding me. Do you not think I am a beautiful woman."

I must admit she is stunning, but regain my composure.

"Err...yes, of course, Natalia." I tell her, "But you're a married woman. What about Yul?"

"Do you not know the Deltan philosophy, Jean-Luc?" she tells me, "It's live and let live. All marriages on this world are very open. We all live the way we want to, and naturally raised our daughter to be self expressive and to do whatever she wishes."

That explains a lot about Ensign Britney, her lifestyle and why she's in the brig so often!

"Your baldness is most desirable, Jean-Luc." Natalia says softly, "It makes me feel very...."

"I have a female friend on the Enterprise." I say quickly, "Bev and I...."

"No matter." Natalia smiles, "You can have both her and me...live and let live."

She starts to unzip the white minidress she is wearing; it looks like I've ran out of excuses!

Suddenly, there is a swift knock, and Britney, who is holding on to T'Pol while carrying a bottle of Saurean Brandy puts her head round the door.



"Goodnight Capt...." she starts, then looks at the barely clothed Natalia, "What are you doing with my mother?"

"I was just leaving, Britney." smiles Natalia, "Goodnight, Jean-Luc."

The Deltan Ambassador zips up her white minidress again and walks out as a stunned Ensign Britney and T'Pol look on.

Now what do I do?

To be continued after the TWQ...

Ensign Britney's Parents (Part Two)

Guest Poster: Ensign Britney

This is great! Me and my soulsistah T'Pol are in a shuttlecraft on the way to my home planet of Delta. I wanted to introduce her to my parents.

The only drag is that we've got Captain Picard in the shuttle with us. There's some sort of diplomatic problem for him to sort out. We'll let him do that while the two of us go out and enjoy ourselves and chat to my parents.

-----------

"It looks like we are nearly there." says the Captain, and turns to me, "I shall have to talk to your parents about the problem."

"Why's that?" I say, "What's it to do with them?"

"Did you not know that both your parents have assumed Ambassadorial roles in Starfleet?" he asks, "They need me to mediate a problem between Delta and the Federation."

I groan. How boring!

I go and change into the new outfit I bought for the trip.



"What do you think of this, sistah." I ask T'Pol, "Doesn't it look cool."

"Sure does, Brit, honey." she replies. The Captain just winces.

We land on Delta, and I see the familar figures of my parents approach.



"Hi, dad." I cheerily say, "Wonderful to see you again. This is my sweetie, T'Pol, and this is Captain Picard.. Captain, this is my father, Yul."

"Pleased to meet you, Ambassador Yul." replies the Captain.

"Likewise." my father replies, "Britney, you don't need to wear a wig. Nor do you, T'Pol."

"Err...it's my own hair, Ambassador." T'Pol nervously mentions.

"My apologies." he answers, "Please call me Yul. This is my wife Natalia.



"Hi mom." I say enthusiastically, "This is T'Pol and this is..."

"Yes, I know." she says, hardly listening. All she is staring at is the bald head of Captain Picard.

"Ambassador Natalia." says the Captain.

"Please call me Natalia." she says, "Britney, I had no idea that your Captain looked so...stunning."

The Captain looks taken aback and panic stricken. The alarm bells start ringing in me as well. Is my mother falling for Captain Picard?

To be continued......

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Editor's Note:

IMPORTANT: The Meme that usually shows up at this time has been moved to my new blog Captain Picard's Meme Holodeck. Be sure to take a look!

Ensign Britney's Parents (Part One)

Guest Poster: Mirror T'Pol

Brit runs into the quarters we share, all excited, as if she has just received the latest Dr Martens boots in the spacepost.

"T'Pol!" she exclaims, "I've just been talking to Captain Picard. He's given us time off to go to Delta for our vacation!"

"Sorry, sweetie." I say, a little puzzled, "Can you explain what's happened?"

Britney sighs, as she knows she has to explain it all patiently to me.

"Sistah, as the Enterprise is going on a mission not far from my home planet of Delta, I asked if the two of us could go in a shuttle there. As we've been together for quite a while, I want to introduce you to my parents."

"You've never mentioned them before, Brit." I tell her.



"Well, I thought now the time was right." she tells me, "The ship doesn't often go near Delta. As the entire race live in baldness, you will look unusual to them."

"Err...I won't need to lose any hair, will I?" I ask in a slightly worried voice.

"Naw, sistah." she laughs, "Us Deltans might well like to enjoy life, but there is not mandatory head shaving when we disembark."

------

In the shuttlebay, Commander Riker is there to see us off.



"Now I know you're on vacation, Britney and T'Pol." he starts, "But remember you represent Starfleet and the Federation. Be sure to behave yourselves."

The Captain comes in very quickly, with a concerned look, as if the replicators are not producing Earl Grey tea.

"Number One." he says, "You're going to have to look after the Enterprise. I'm going to have to go with Ensign Britney and T'Pol as there is a diplomatic crisis on Delta."

We all walk on to the shuttlecraft. I'm sure I heard Riker say to himself, "That's them out of the way for a while." I'm not sure if he was referring to Brit and myself, or the Captain as well.

"Yay, sistah!" exclaims Britney to me, "Now for a fun time on Delta. I can't wait for you to meet my parents."

I must admit I'm curious as well. I wonder what they are like?

To be continued...

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Editor's Note:

IMPORTANT: The Meme that usually shows up at this time has been moved to my new blog Captain Picard's Meme Holodeck. Be sure to take a look!

TWQ: Food I Don't Eat

This week, TWQ (The Weekend Question) looks at what sort of food you would refuse to eat.

Can you list some food, or types of food that you would not eat under any circumstances.

My answers are:

* Indian food

* Chinese food

* Veal

* Bananas

* Liquorice

Now it's over to you...

But before I go...

Next week, a new sister blog, Captain Picard's Meme Holodeck will be launched. All memes, whether they are from Mimi or others will be positioned here. The weekly TWQ will still be in my Journal, as always. Look out for the first entry sometime in the midweek!

Holodeck On The Blink (Part Three)

Have you ever considered anything so ridiculous. Bev is is in the broken down holodeck with me, unable to get out after we passed through a cloud, which shorted out the systems. As we were in swim costumes lying on the Copacabana Beach of brazil, she had her bikini on, and I had my Speedos trunks on. Now I'm sitting in a black room which went for a few seconds to the arctic wastes!

---------

"What is Riker going to do?" Bev asks desperately, "We can't go on like this!"

"He's sending the holographic doctor in by special transport. They can't risk beaming us out they way things are, Bev." I reply, "He should be able to correct the fault that is in here. We can't get to it."

"But I only have my bikini on!" she protests.

"He's a doctor, Bev." He knows what men and women look like."

A few moments later a figure beams in.



The doctor looks around, then notices Bev, who is valiantly trying to cover every part of her body with her hands. He raises an eyebrow.

"There's no need to be shy, Dr Crusher." he says calmly, "My programming knows all about different bodies, and have indeed conducturing numerous medical examinations on many of the crew."

He then turns round and sees me wearing my micro-thin Speedos trunks.

This time he raises both eyebrows.

"Excuse me, Captain." he says, and walks quickly to the Arch on the other side of the room.

I hear him trying to control the giggling; eventually it gets louder, with the howls of laughter filling the room.

"Doctor!" I shout, "Can you do what you came to do?"

"Err...yes, very well." he answers, "I errr...think there must have been something wrong with my program."

The hologram reaches up into the Arch and starts to adjust a few buttons that are not accessible from inside.

Eventually, the entrance opens, and we see the corridor. Crew are walking past and watching us. We shut the door quickly. The doctor manages to retrieve our uniforms from the Arch wall that we could not open before.

"Everything is all fixed now." says the doctor, "You may put your uniforms and leave."

"Is the Copacabana Beach program repaired as well." Bev asks. The doctor confirms that it is.

"In that case." she says to him, "When you've left, the Captain and I have an appointment with an ice cream seller on the beach."

"Double scoop for me, please, Bev." I ask.

Holodeck On The Blink (Part Two)

Bev and I are stuck in the holodeck, which at the moment is not working. She has her red bikini on, and I have my Speedo micro swimming trunks on. We went in with the program to laze on Copacabana beach, but the Enterprise did the inevitable and passed through a cloud that has affected all the electrical programs.

As a result, the two of us are sitting in the black room of the holodeck waiting for the program to come back on.

-----------

"Well what do we do now, Jean-Luc." asks Bev as we sit in our sunbathing gear, "I mean this is all very well for the beaches of Brazil, but I feel a right idiot in this black room."

"I'll try and get through to Riker and see what's going on." I tell her.

I go back to the Arch and try and get through. The speech is crackling, like it usually is when the system has gone haywire.

"Haven't you fixed it yet, Number One?" I ask, "Bev and I are waiting to sample a holographic ice cream on the Copacabana Beach."



"We're free of the cloud now, Captain." he says through all the noise, "We're trying to repair all the damaged applications, though it may take some time. The holodeck should restore itself in a moment, though."

I go back to Bev, who starts putting suncream on herself. I smile and help her with it.

"Back to Copacabana!" I say and we both laugh.

The holodeck starts to flicker, and the program comes on.



We find ourselves lying in snow. Bev screams out.

"JEAN-LUC!" she yells, "I'm freezing!"

"So am I!" I reply, and rush over to the Arch.

"Number One!" I shout, "We are either in the arctic or an ice planet, yet we just have skimpy swimming outfits on! Stop it now!"

"I'll try and pull the plug." he tells us, and a few seconds later, we are shivering in a black room.

"Next time I want to lie in the sun." comments Bev, "We'll go to a REAL beach, and not on powered by the Enterprise. Can't we get beamed out?"

"Riker has said that the transporter is taking some time to repair, as is the doorway." I tell her, "Every time a crewman has tried to burn the door down, he gets struck by an electrical charge."

We get a signal from the Arch, and I go over to listen to Riker.

"We can't get you out yet, sir." he tells me, "But I have thought of an idea. The door needs to be repaired from within. Only a hologram can do it, so we're sending in the holographic doctor."

To be continued...

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Editors Note:

Mimi of The Queen's Meme has sent this in....

The Queen's Meme No 9...The W Meme

Welcome to The Queen's Meme #9.

Step out of the box. Be creative. Have fun!

And please, stay out of the dungeon.

It's getting really crowded in there.

The Who, What, When, Where, Why Would You Meme

Who ....

is easy to love? The people at the office who make up my monthly pittance
do you just wanna smack? those that take the tax off the above
do you trust? if it was Thanksgiving, and I was a turkey, it wouldn't be the farmer.
do you talk to when you're alone? this is beginning to sound like a psychiatrist to his patient...one wrong word and I'm in the rubber room.


What....

dangerous things do you do while driving? driving would be the most dangerous, as I can't drive...look out pedestrians!
are you allergic to? people who ask "What are you allergic to?"
is Satan's last name? Why? Do you want to look in the phone book?
is the last thing that moved you? My boss when she said "You're going to another desk."
is the freakiest thing in your house? The man-eating twelve foot plant (that'll keep the burglars away!)

When.....

is it time to turn over a new leaf? Perhaps you ought to ask Adam & Eve that one?
will you be all that you can be? When you're pushing up the daisies!
is enough enough? When it's written down, written down
do you go to the dark side? Oh, sorry! I thought this WAS the dark side.

Where....

are your pants? If I'm not wearing them, then what will you be imagining??
is your last will and testament? It's under the......ah, nearly said it then!
is your junk food stash? In the 'reject' pile of the local McDonald's
is Carmen Sandiego? The police are currently digging up the garden and questioning all suspects.


Why..... was the Lone Ranger alone? He never applied on eHarmony
was The Scarlet Letter scarlet? Because it had been red!
are musicians sexy and plumbers not? Have you tried to play music on a copper pipe?
are there no seat belts on school buses? Come to think of it, why are there no gags to keep them quiet, either?

Would you....

swim the English Channel for a doughnut and coffee? If not that, what? It would take a lot more than a stale doughnut and yukky coffee to make me swim over 20 miles in cold water. Lady Hightower might persuade me.

forgive someone who deliberately hurt you? Not if they used a high powered machine gun.

rather believe a lie if it hurt you less than the truth? No one believes "I'm working late at the office." anymore!

you still be alive if you were sucked out of an airplane window? Would you just float around in space for while? I don't think it did Goldfinger a lot of good when he was sucked out of the plane.

-------------

TWQ: Bodyguards

TWQ (The Weekend Question) is asking who would you choose if you needed protection.

Which five people would you choose as bodyguards?

My answers are:

* Sarah Connor (from the Terminator movies)

* John McLaine (from the Die Hard movies)

* The Bride (from the Kill Bill films)

* Chuck Norris

* Terminator T-800 (from the Terminator movies)

Now it's over to you...

Holodeck On The Blink (Part One)

"Program Picard Rio Delta One." I say into the computer outside the holodeck as Bev stands next to me.

"I'm looking forward to this, Jean-Luc" she says keenly, "I haven't walked on the sands of the Copacabans beach in Rio for a long time."

"Neither have I." I tell her, "I hope you have got your bikini with you."



"Sure, Jean-Luc." she answers, "It's under this red dress. Have you bought your Speedos swimming outfit?"

"Err..shall we see, Bev?"

As we enter, we see the famed Copacabana pavement



"It looks gorgeous, Jean-Luc." she says, "You programmed it well."

"I did ask the computer to make it as authentic as possible, Bev." I say.



"I see what you mean." comments Bev, "Well you can't have the beach without them, can you? Let's find a place on the beach."

----------

Bev is lying in the sun wearing her bikini, while I return to her after walking along the beach, wearing my Speedo trunks.

"This is the life, Jean-Luc." she comments, "To think we are actually in a starship travelling faster than the speed of light."

"Yes." I reply, "Do you want some more sunblock?"

Suddenly everything flashes, and the two of us are lying in a large black room. It looks like the holodeck program has failed somehow. We both look pretty ridiculous lying on the floor of the Enterprise in swimming outfits.

"Number One." I ask when contacting Riker, using the Arch, "What has happened?"

"I'm not sure, Captain." he answers, "The Enterprise passed through an unknown cloud, which shorted out certain circuits. The holodeck is one of them, including the entrance. We'll try and get it all fixed as soon as possible."

Why does the Enterprise always go THROUGH these unknown clouds? Can't we ever go ROUND them?"

To be continued after TWQ...