TWQ: Favourite TV Commercials

Those periods between programmes when annoying adverts are shown seem to get longer. TWQ (the Weekend Question) asks about your favourites.

What are your favourite tv commercials? They don't have to be recent ones, and can be from years ago.

My answers are:

The polar bear who does an Elvis impersonation while advertising R Whites Lemonade

The laughing metal aliens who advertise Cadbury's Smash potatoes

The meekrat "Compare de market dot com seemples!" advert

Now it's over to you....

Romulan Conference (Part Two)

Riker, Deanna, Worf and myself are in the conference room with two of the three Romulans that have come to the Enterprise to discuss border proposals. One of them, the female named Donatra seems keen to talk to me, and has whispered that everything is not all as it seems. As yet, I haven't had an opportunity to ask what she means. The leader of their delegation, Commander Toreth is watching everything closely

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"So what we propose, Captain Picard," Torerth says, "Is that the Romulan Star Empire gives you access to the area you call the Warg Passageway, which will give you easy access to Sector 421. In return, you will give us the area of space known as Sector 28. It has no habitable planets and would not be a loss to you."

This Commander sounds like a real saleswoman. It wouldn't surprise me if you used to sell brushes on Romulus. I try not to smile at this thought.

"It looks a good proposal, Captain." Riker comments.

"I agree." Deanna says, "The advantage Starfleet ships would have in being able to use the Warg Passageway would be tremendous".

Worf, as head of Security, stands by the door, tactfully not saying anything about the race he dislikes.

Out of the corner of my eye, I see Donatra shaking her head slightly at me, making sure Toreth does not see her.

"Incidentally, Commander." I ask, "Where is your associate Jarok today?"

"He is feeling rather ill." Toreth answers, "It seems Federation food does not agree with him, so he is in his quarters."

"Indeed." I answer neutrally, not believing that feeble excuse, "Let's have a break for 15 minutes and then we can finalise the details for the agreement."

Toreth seems pleased at this, and the two Romulans get up to leave. Donatra drops all her paperwork, and tells her superior that she will meet her in a moment.

Ah, that old trick!

"All right, Donatra." I say quickly, "We've only got a few seconds. What's going on?"



"All this is a ruse to get the border defence codes!" she exclaims, "Jarok is not ill, but is a computer genious who will be able to get into your computers without anyone being aware of it. She is not the timid Romulan he appears to be."

"So why are you telling us this?" Worf asks suspiciously, "You are betraying your own people."

"On the contrary." she answers, "My family history shows that I come from a Klingon background mainly, though I have a small amount of Romulan blood in me, and have been raised as such. I have honour and consider myself a closet Klingon warrior."

"Let's stop Jarok before he gets those codes!" I say, and we all head towards his quarters, Worf summoning his Security team at the same time.

We burst in, and see Jarok downloading the files on the computer, just as if he is trying to copy a film or music...only it's our border codes!



"Stop!" Worf says in his Security-mode voice, and beckons the team to get him. I rush to the computer and press 'cancel' before the copy is completed. I then extract the disc and crush it.

"What is going on?" Toreth exclaims, "I demand that you unhand my associate."

"Oh, we'll do that when we beam you and him back to the warbird." I say in my best authoritive voice, "In the meantime, this conference is over."

"You'll reget this." she replies, "Come on, Jarok and Donatra."

"I'm staying behind." Donatra says firmly, "I'm claiming asylum with the Federation, and now see myself as a Klingon."

Toreth looks horrified.

"You traitor!" the Commander exclaims, "You will be denounced in all parts of the Romulan Empire, your house will be burned down.."

"On your way, Commander." jeers Donatra.

As the two go out, Deanna hugs Donatra , I shake her hand, and Worf smiles.

"Welcome to the Federation." Worf tells her, "You are indeed a Klingon of honour."

Romulan Conference (Part One)

"They are are lying, cheating unreliable race." exclaims Worf, "What is worst of all, the Romulans have no honour."

"That may be so, Mr Worf." I reply, "But the fact of the matter is that we have to play host to a delegation of Romulans on the Enterprise who wish to discuss border issues."



"Romulans do not 'discuss', Captain." Worf answers, "They merely take. Be very careful of these people. They may put on a pleasant front, but underneath, they are conniving."

"I'll take that under consideration." I say, "But in the meantime, Mr Worf...try and be nice to them."

---------------

A few hours later, the Enterprise is waiting for the arrival of the Romulan ship. Riker, Deanna, Worf and myself are waiting to greet them. I would have liked to have given Worf something else to do, but as he is Head of Security, he has to look after things.

"A Romulan warbird has just de-cloaked, Captain." Data tells us.

"Sneaky lot." I say to myself.



A few moments later, three Romulans beam on to the ship. One man and two women. One of the females has Commander status. She steps forward.



"Greetings, Captain." she says, "I am Commander Toreth of the warbird Khazara; these are my associates, Jarok and Donatra."

I go through the usual Captain spiel of welcoming them on board. Jarok looks rather timid, and the other female, Donatra looks concerned, as if she has something on her mind. Toreth has the arrogance the Federation have got used to with the Romulans. She sees Worf, who has been wearing a very fake smile throughout, as if he has been the runner-up in an Academy Awards section.

"I had heard you had a Klingon on board, Captain." Toreth says, "I had expected him to be doing menial duties, as this race should never be put positions of trust."

Worf growls and starts to walk forward. Fortunarely Riker manages to stop him.

After that minor little hiccup, all of us file out of the Transporter room. Donatra deliberately holds herself back, looking at me purposely.

"I must see you, Captain soon." she whispers, "Everything is not as it seems."

To be continued...

TWQ: Five Things I Dislike That Everyone Else Enjoys

It seems not all of us like the same thing. TWQ (The Weekend Question) asks about those 'popular' things some of us can't stand.

Can you list five things that you really dislike that almost everyone else seems to enjoy?

My answers are:

1: Soap operas
2: The X Factor  (in the US: American Idol)
3: Britain's Got Talent (in the US: America's Got Talent)
4: Strictly Come Dancing (in the US: Dancing With The Stars)
5: The Sound Of Music

Now it's over to you...

Bev & Picard's Valentine Vacation (Part Three)

 Guest Poster: Mirror T'Pol

Britney and I were just coming out of our hotel, the Romantica, on the planet Amora when who should we meet but Captain Picard and Beverly Crusher! The sly pair, sneaking off on a Valentine trip. Still, I guess I can't blame them. Britney and I were doing the same thing. They don't seem too pleased at seeing us here.




 "Isn't this just fabuloso!" Britney exclaims, "We can chat, have dinner, go on the beach..."

"So err...you and T'Pol are one of the pair of 'Miss Smiths' at the Romantica." the Captain ask.

"Yeah." Britney replies, "Ain't it a hoot how everybody is called 'Smith' there so that people can't find our who is staying there? T'Pol and I love it there. Anyway, where shall we all go now?"



Beverly shuffles awkwardly.

"Brit." I say tactfully, "Maybe the two of them just want to be left alone? It is a Valentine vacation, after all."

"Maybe you're right, soulsistah." she replies, "The two us us came for that and to get some serious suntanning done as well."

A few minutes later, I am in my bikini, with Britney applying some lotion as we lie on the beach In a few hours, the twin suns will go down. An ideal time to catch some rays before bedtime.

"Britney! T'Pol!" someone exclaims. We turn around to see it was Beverly.




"What's happened?" I ask.

"It's Jean-Luc." she replies, "He's found out that one of the Smith pairs is Deanna Troi and Will Riker, another pair are Jennifer Baxter and Data, and lastly Worf and Jadzia Dax. He said it's more crowded than the Enterprise, and is rapidly packing our bags."

We try not to smile.

"Where are you going to go now, Beverly?" I ask.

"Back to the Enterprise." she replies, "Jean-Luc says he will programme this planet and hotel into the holodeck, but there won't be any visitors!"

"Okay." Brit says, and Beverly walks away.

We wait several moments then burst out laughing.

Bev & Picard's Valentine Vacation (Part Two)

Guest Poster: Beverly Crusher

Jean-Luc and I have arrived on the planet Amora for our Valentine break. We'll be at the Hotel Romantica, the top place to be here.

We enter the hotel, and are greeted by the receptionist.



"Ah, Mr & Mrs Smith." he says cheerily, "It's so good to see you. I'm sure you'll have a pleasant stay at the Hotel Romantica. My name is Simon"

"But my name's not Smi.." I start to protest.

"It is here." Simon tells us, "In order to maintain the utmost discretion, we give all our guests the same name. They find it most comforting that they will not be intruded upon by unwelcomne visitors, such as their marriage partners."

"So everyone here is known as Mr & Mrs Smith?" Jean-Luc asks.

"Err, not exactly." Simon says, "There are three sets of Miss Smith couples and one pair of Mr Smiths together."

Jean-Luc smiles at this, and the two of us go up to our room.



"This looks fabulous" I say when seeing it, "This vacation looks like being a really romantic one."

"Indeed it does, Bev" Jean-Luc replies, "Well away from those others in the Enterprise, we can really enjoy ourselves."

------------

A couple of hours later, after enjoying ourselves, Jean-Luc and I go downstairs.

"Let's take a walk around." he says, "Then we can have dinner and later sit by the beach and watch the twin suns go down"

"Wonderful." I reply, "I'm loving this already."

The two of us take a carefree walk back to the hotel as two women start to walk out.

"Hey!" says one, "It's the Captain and Beverly Crusher."



"It sure is,Britney." replies T'Pol, "We never expected to see you two here!"

I wince.

"We didn't expect to see you, either." Jean-Luc comments glumly.

To be continued...

Bev & Picard's Valentine Vacation (Part One)

"This is a great idea, Jean-Luc." Bev tells me as we travel through space in the shuttlecraft, "Though I was looking forward to the Valentine Party that usually takes place on the Enterprise, your suggestion of a trip out on our own was hard to resist."

"I thought so, too, Bev." I reply, "It is a lot of responsibility hosting the party. It's time you and I were able to enjoy ourselves."



Bev is wearing a fine pinkish suit, and is carrying the rose that came with the box of Casanova Chocs that I gave her. She ate them all even before we got on the shuttle.

"So you haven't said where we are going, Jean-Luc?" Bev asks as she nibbles my ear. I wish she wouldn't do that. Some people think I look like a boxer who has been battered on the ears!

"To the planet Amora." I say, "It's known for it's romantic appearance and beatiful twin sunsets."

"Sounds good!" Bev says softly, and continues nibbling my well-worn ear.

--------------

After a few hours, with both my ears frazzled, the shuttle begins to slow down.



The beautiful blue planet of Amora grows larger, and the two of us enter the atmosphere, and reach the landing co-ordinates given by the hotel.

"We're going to the Hotel Romantica." I tell her, "It's supposed to be the best on the planet."

"Super!" Beverly replies in a slightly tipsy manner. Perhaps we shouldn't have had those two bottles of champagne on the way.

The hotel draws near as the robot porter carries our bags. It tells me that it will require a tip to be inswerted into the slot provided or it will throw the bags out of the window.



"It looks fab!" Bev says as looks at the hotel, "It's good to get away from all the problems."

I hope she's right!

To be continued...

TWQ: Valentine's Day

As Sunday is Valentine's Day, TWQ (the Weekend Question) goes all romantic...

What is the most romantic Valentine's present you have given or received?

My answer is:

I gave my girl a large bunch of flowers and a teddy bear.
Besides a card, the berst present was the thank-you kiss for the above!

Now it's over to you...

Karena's Baby Shower (Part Three)

Guest Poster: Beverly Crusher

All of the female senior staff are assembled in Jean-Luc's Ready Room, together with the Captain of the USS Rhode Island, Erika Hernandez. The reason is my daughter in law, the amazon Karena is having her baby shower. Her daughter will come sometime next month.

Karena is looking like a child at Christmas, rather than an expectyant mother!



"Okay." she declares, "It's time for the pressies! Bring 'em on!"

The amazon looks eagerly over the assembled parcels and grabs one.

"That one is from me." Jadzia pipes up. Karena opens it to find it is a minature bat'leth.

"Super!" exclaims the amazon, "My daughter will really enjoy playing with this."

I wince slightly, but Karena insisted omn having presents that were suitable for a female warrior, rather than the average mother and baby. Well, Karena is no average mother!



"I was confused about what a baby shower is." Seven whispers to me, "We do not have this on a Borg Cube, "All we do is assimilate them."

Karena opens a box that is a Borg doll, which has all moving parts. She looks pleased.

"That's a great present, Seven." the amazon says gratefully, and moves on.

My daughter in law's face falls flat when she gets my present of a Barbie Ensign doll, as it doesn't look tough enough, but Karena puts on a fractured smile.

Deanna gives a present of a box of diapers. She had clearly forgotton about the instruction I gave to everyone.

Jenny gives as a present, a beautiful spear, small in scale, but powerful enough for a young amazon warrior.

"This is the best pressy yet!" exclaims Karena, "Where did you get it, Jenny?"

"Off AmazonBaby, of course." she replies, "Amazon, who specialise in items for the warrior woman, has opened a new department for children."

Erika gives an anazon bandana as a present, while Ro Laren presents Karena with a target board so the child can throw weapons at it.

T'Pol and Britney are the last. They step forward together.



"This is from us." Britney declares, "I hope your and your daughter love it."



When Karena opens it, she sees it is a beautiful and small warrior outfit.

"When your daughter grows into a young girl." T'Pol says, "She can defeat all her enemies wearing this."

Karena is overjoyed.

"You've really excelled yourself." she says, "Thank you everybody for these fantastic gifts."

"It's our pleasure." Deanna comments, "Can we ask what name are you going to give to your daughter?"

"Not yet" Karena replies, "I'll announce that later."

--------------

A few moments later, my daughter in law and her Captain are ready to beam back to the USS Rhode Island.

That granddaughter of mine is going to have quite an upbringing!

Karena's Baby Shower (Part Two)

Guest Poster: Beverly Crusher

My daughter in law Karena beams aboard from the USS Rhode Island along with it's Captain, Erika Hernandez.

It's not that there is a big Starfleet meeting, but the pregnant amazonion wants to embrace the ritual that many women in her condition have gone through...she wants a baby shower.

As it seems most of her friends are on the Enterprise, the women on the senior staff will be getting the presents and throwing the soiree for her.



"Hello, Beverly." Karena says warmly, as she steps off the transporter pad along with Erika, who I say hello to, "It is wonderful to see you again."

"Likewise, Karena." I reply, looking at her stomach, "My granddaughter won't be long now. How are you?"

"I'm fine." she answers, "I had to wrestle with and kill a few monsters on the way here, but everything turned out all right."

I blanch at the thought of this, but as Karena is in good shape, I say nothing.

"When's the baby shower?" the inquisitive amazon asks, "What sort of pressies am I likely to get?"

"Well, Karena." I answer, "The shower will be in a couple of days. The presents the women give aren't exactly for you, but to help you in bringing up your daughter. Cots, diapers, that sort of thing."

"Hmmm." Karena muses, "On my home planet of Wondawowman, any gifts that are given by fellow amazons are items to ensure that she grows into a strong, healthy warrior."



"Well, as I know the women haven't put the pressie order in yet." I answer, "I could ask them to change their requests to some otems more suitable for an amazonian baby."

"Will you?" Karena asks as she hugs me, "That will be great!"

I wonder what this baby shower will be like?

Karena's Baby Shower (Part One)

Guest Poster: Karena

My husband and Life Servant Wesley Crusher greets me anxiously on the Transporter of the USS Rhode Island as I return from an Away Mission slaughtering a few Ylaran Sea Monsters that had been threatening a colony down on the surface.

"Do you really think you ought to be doing that in your condition, honeybunch?" he says, after all, you are expecting our child next month."

"Pumpkin." I reply, "I'm an amazonian warrior princess, and the fact that I am expecting my daughter soon does not deter me from any Starfleet duties. I'll just go on a mission, come back, have the child and carry on as if nothing had happened. This has been occuring on my planet for hundreds of years. It seems women here are so weak."



Wes sighs, as he knows he can't win an argument, and feels my expanded stomach.

"Won't be long now." he says with a smile.

"Indeed not, Wes." I say, "However there is one tradition in the maternal period that I have observed that I wish to have. It's a baby shower."

-----------

A few hours later, I am writing a list of guest to invite for the shower.

"No." I say to myself, running down the list, "No, definately no, absolutely not."

"Karena." Wes says, as he does the laundry, "At this rate, you'll have no one at the shower. You'll have to start inviting someone.."

"I know." I tell him, "But some of the women on this ship have been unfriendly. They seem to be looking at you far too much."

"It's just being friendly." Wes says, "What are you going to do?"

"I'll invite Captain Hernandez, of course," I tell him, "But many of my female friends seem to be on the Enterprise. When are we meeting with them?"

"Later this week." says Wes.

"That's ideal." I say, brightening up, "I'll put the invites out now, and it will give them a chance to get the pressies."

To be continued...

TWQ: Name A Superbowl Team

As the Superbowl is this weekend, TWQ (The Weekend Question) is asking what you would call your team.

What would you like to call a team you owned that was in the Superbowl? Think of as many as you wish and be as funny as you like.

My answers are:

The Starfleet Galaxies

The Borg Assimilators

The Office Gossips

Now it's over to you...

The Alpha Borg Queen's Visit (Part Seven)

We seem to find ourselves in somewhat of a pickle.

As Deanna, Jenny Baxter, the Borg Queen, her Leader the Alpha Borg Queen, Seven, Worf and his Security Team have beamed to the Borg Citatel to wrest back power from the Troi Borg Queen, whose hardline agents took over the running of the borg in a coup.

Now we find ourselves ambushed.



"So." says the Troi Borg Queen, "I find all my enemies together. That will be so much easier than seeking you out. The weakling former leader and her servant, together with drippy Seven. Not only that, I have Locutus and Deanna, the person I wanted most of all."



"Surely you can remember how it used to be for you before you were assimilated in your universe?" pleads Deanna.

"Oh yes."  the Troi Queen replies, "I was just like you, an empty headed Counselor who liked shopping and wanted to get married. Being assimilated changed all that. Deanna, as soon as you feel those Borg nanobytes flowing through your veins and are connected to the Hive Mind, you will thank me for making your life complete. You will be my second in command.No one else will get that homour."

"No thanks." Deanna replies flatly.

"You have no choice." she comments, "I will disconnect these three Borg and have you in the Assimilation Chamber first."



Jenny gets get ready to fire with with her guns, but the Troi Borg Queen notices, and gestures her drones to hold her.

"Please don't try, Miss Baxter." the Borg says, "You will just end up disintegrated if you try. It would be such a waste of a skilled future drone. I think you would get promoted in the Cube hierarchy very quickly."

Sudenly, there are flashes of beaming in-lights all around us. Riker, Beverly Geordi, Data, Jadzia, T'Pol and Britney all appear...very heavily armed.



"This is what you might call our back-up plan, Captain." Riker tells me, "We were monitoring the situation and saw you were surrounded with too many Borg, so we thought we'd even things out."

"What shall we do with the Troi Borg Queen?" asks Beverly, who has helped disarm the hardline drones and the Queen herself.

"Execute her!" Seven snaps, "She has commited treason against our great Leader."

"Indeed she has." remarks the Alpha Borg Queen, "Yet we cannot execute her. She has too many supporters in the hardline part of the Borg. If she is executed, she would be a martyr and inflame the situation."

"Then what should we do?" I ask.

"If she agrees to get her forces to stand down." says the Borg Leader, "We shall give her command of her old 02 Cube, and things will be as they were before."

"Very well." says the Troi Queen, glumly, "I accept the terms.". With that, she walks out of the Throne Room, defeated.

"We thank you, Locutus." the Alpha Borg Queen, "Due to the people of the Enterprise, the moderate Borg regime is back in place."

As we all leave, I am called back by the Borg Queen, who wishes to talk to me privately. She looks around to make sure no one else is around.



"Thank you, Jean-Luc." she says with great feeling, and kisses me passionately on the lips.

"You've never called me that before." I say.

"Just between ourselves, Jean-Luc." she tells me, "Though with others around, it will be Locutus. Goodbye fort now. Until we meet again."

I get ready to beam out, although I feel I have been hit by a brick!

If Bev had seen all that, I probably would have been!