"You're out of condition, Jean-Luc." Bev tells me as she completes her examination in SickBay, "The plain truth is that you are not getting about enough. Sitting in the Command Chair won't do you any good."
"But I go on those away missions." I protest.
"When you think it's safe enough." she snorts, "Otherwise you send some redshirts down to get the bullet. Look, I'm ordering you to report to the Enterprise gym this afternoon at 14:00 to start getting fit. Deanna and I will both be there doing the same and to spur you on."
A few hours later, I approach with my gym bag.
This isn't my sort of thing at all. I'd rather just lie down with a good book and drink.
I enter the gym and am greeted by the exhausted sounds of two women.
"Go-good to s-see you here, Jean-Luc gasps Bev, who looks worn out, but rather alluring in her leotard. So does Deanna. Perhaps it won't be such a bad thing to work out here after all..
I get my outfit on, and am ready to go.
"I suggest you do a few press-ups first, Captain, to get your body accustomed to the heavy work it will be doing." Deanna recommends.
I bend down and start doing about three. Already I am a spent force, but can't let the women know that.
"After that, you can do some sit ups, vault the horse, work on some weightlifting and so on." Bev tells me.
I didn't know she was the descendant of the Marquis de Sade!
Suddenly, Deanna twists her ankle while attempting a complicatred squat thrust. She rolls in agony.
"I'd better take you up to SickBay, Deanna." Bev says while examining the ankle, then calls to me, "I'll have to treat the ankle for the rest of the afternoon. You do all those exercises, Jean-Luc."
After they have gone, I consider doing the rigorous programme laid down. Then I think of something else.
Reading while having a drink in a warm solarium. A much better way to be in condition!
Anybody who thinks I just serve the drinks on the Enterprise is sadly mistaken. I have to listen to all the sob stories that the people want to give out.
I know what you are thinking. Haven't they got a Counselor to deal with that? Of course they have, but many people feel like pouring out their woes while under the influence of alcohol, rather than lying on the hard surface of Deanna Troi's sofa in her office.
I can't say I blame them. "I don't want to talk to him again."...."He is seeing another woman"...."I think my wife doesn't love mer any more."...."I don't think he wants to marry me."...yes, I've had things like that every night.
The worst thing is when the Counselor herself comes in spouting her problems! She, of all people should know better!
"I'm not sure if Will still loves me, Guinan." she starts, while eating her chocolate drink.
"I'm sure he does." I answer.
"Then why doesn't he put a ring on my hand?" she snaps back, "I want to be a married woman, I want to have children, I want..."
At this stage she bursts into tears, and I hand her a tissue. I tend to carry a box around with me nowadays for occasions such as these.
"Deanna." I say, consoling her, "He has an important role right now."
"You mean I'm secondary, and I'll never get married until he leaves Starfleet?" she wails.
Ooops. Wrong turning there.
"Not at all." I say quickly, "Hell soon be Captain of another ship, "Then he'll want to take you there as his new wife."
"You...you think so." she sniffs.
"Of course." I lie.
Deanna walks off, having ate her ice cream and satisfied with my answer.
Will Riker comes in ten minutes later.
"Guinan." he asks, "Have you seen Deanna?"
"Yes, she was having an ice cream here ten minutes ago." I say, not mentioned what she and I were talking about.
"Is she all right?" he asks, "She has seemed a little distant lately."
"Deanna will be all right." I tell him, "Get her a nice necklace and tell her that you are looking in the Starfleet Vacancies column in the Galactic Gazette. It might cheer her up."
Riker looks puzzled, but agrees, leaving Ten Forward.
Time to clean the bar before the next lot of problems arrive!
Having docked in orbit around Earth, I am in my office signing a few papers. Most of the crew are on shore leave. I will follow them down shortly.
Deanna Troi opens the door.
"Captain." she starts,"Bev, Jadzia, Ro Laren Annika and I are all about to go on a girly shopping spree in the Starfleet Mall. Are you sure you'll be all right?"
"Yes, Counselor." I reply, "You go off and enjoy yourselves, I'll beam down to Starfleet Headquarters when I've finished here."
She leaves, no doubt thinking of all the dresses that she wants to buy.
All is quiet for several minutes. Until I hear a strange sound. It appears to be what an old 20th century vacuuum cleaner might to sound like.
The door bangs open and an elderly woman pushes the cleaner in. She also has a mop, bucket and a cigarette hanging out of her mouth.
"Who are you?" I exclaim, "What are you doing here? This room is for authorised staff."
"All right, keep your hair on." says the woman, who laughs to herself when she sees me, "I'm Doris the cleaner. I've been sent by Starfleet to clean this ship. By the look of things, I'm going to need a lot of soap and water."
"Now look.. errr, Doris." I say, "The Enterprise is fitted with automatic cleaners that go through the entire ship whenever the ship is empty and in dock."
"Oh yes, that's what usually happens." Doris comments, "But when the automatic cleaners are up the spout, they call for me. I might be retired, but I still do a good job with my mop, bucket and cleaner. I was going to go off to bingo with the other girls at the old folks' home, but I figure the money I earn here will be lot more."
Doris slaps a soapy cloth on my desk and starts cleaning it, despite the fact the there are several important papers there getting damp.
"Do you mind!" I say in exasperation.
"You'll have to get this tatty paperwork out of the way, otherwise I can't do my job properly." Doris chides me, "I only have so long."
She then turns on the annoyingly loud vacuum cleaner. One document falls to the floor and vanishes up the pipe.
"TURN IT OFF!" I shout, but the cleaner fails to hear me.
In exasperation, I walk out and head towards the transporter room.
I wonder if I can join Bev, Deanna and the others in their shopping spree? Compared to up here, being with them going around the shops seems so much better!
This week, TWQ (the Weekend Question) takes notice of the latest thing on the internet. Pintrest. Boards of subjects are listed by the users, which they fill. Images are taken from pictures they come across or other boards, It can get quite addictive.
What subjects would you list on your first few boards? List as many as you wish.
My answers are:
As you will have guessed, I started it today, under my real name (friends will know what it is). Some of the subjects I chose were:
* Classic Movie Stills
* Marilyn Monroe
* Terrific Tattoos
* Favourite Books