Saturday, December 31, 2011

TWQ: Last Year's New Year Resolutions

This week, TWQ (the Weekend Question) asks if there are any New Year's resolutions you have managed to keep.

Have you managed to keep any New Year's resolutions from last year or any year. List them (if you have any!)

My answers are:

* Trying to think first before saying anything. I may not have succeeeded completely, but have made a good effort. I suppose that counts.

* To be a lot less tolerant of cold callers. I'm doing that all right!

Now it's over to you...

But before I do.....

Happy New Year!!!!

Friday, December 30, 2011

Starfleet Redundancies (Part Two)

My whole ready room is filled with noise and shouting, every member of the senior staff trying to talk above the other.

Ever since Starfleet put the word out that there are likely to be redundancies across the board, the crew have been thrown into a panic

I try to call order, but my voice cannot be heard. Bev gets a dreinking close and taps it loudly on the table. The noise goes over everything.

"Quiet for the Captain!!!" she yells out next to my ear.

I stand up and address them all when the ringing has gone from my ears.

"Now I know that you are all concerned." I start, "At this moment, we don't who what will be happening...."

"Too right!" says a female voice from the back that sounds very much like Lieutenant Britney. Others start making various complaining points.

"What about me?" protests Alyssa Orgawa, "I haven't been here that long. Is it going to be 'last in, first out'? I'm too young to be on the galactic dole queue.."

"I suppose they will be switching me off to save money!" grumbles the holographic doctor.

"There is a chance I may not be required also." Data calmly comments.

"What if Worfie gets the push?" Jadzia points out, "What will I do? There are a lot of couples here whose lives will be disrupted because of this."

A huge amount of talking ensues at this comment.

"You have a good point there, Jadzia." I say, "We need to be sure that the lives of couples and familes are not broken down as a result. I'm sure the person who comes to do the one-to-one with us will take that into account"

All of a sudden, I get a message, which I pass on to the others.

"I have just had word that the interviewer from Starfleet has arrived, and is now on board,"

To be continued after the TWQ........

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Starfleet Redundancies (Part One)

Our communications have broken down over the few past few days while we were in deep space. It was also Christmas, so we were too busy opening pressies and having drinks, rather than getting everything fixed.

Now that Christmas is over, and everybody is sober, we have been able to set up the systems again. I hope nothing important has happened. It's not likely to, as the United Federation of Planets and Starfleet tends to close down over the period.

I look at my video viewer backlog. There have been no calls except from Admiral Bullock with the Title "URGENT: PLEASE RESPOND!"

Oh dear, this sounds bad.  I call back, although I know I'm going to regret it.

"Where the blazes have you been, Picard?" Admiral Bullock demands to know.

I explain to him what happened. He snorts back.

"More likely giving each other presents and getting drunk if I know the Enterprise." he says to himself, "Anyway, I need to tell you the information that came from Starfleet Headquarters on Christmas Eve."

"What's that, sir?" I ask.

"The President has decreed that a number of crew need to lose their jobs. We have too many on the starships, which are costing a lot to build." Bullock answers.

"I thought money didn't exist any more, sir?" I ask, puzzled.

"Get real, Picard!" Bullock sneers, "How do you think we build them? With cookies that girl scouts sell? All planets in the UFP have to contribute. Costs are increasing, and we need to lay off people...from the lowerst crewman right up to some of the Captains."

"What about the Admirals?" I ask Admiral Bullock.

"Oh, we have decreed that they are too important to lose, so they will keep their positions." he tells me rather smugly, "A visitor will come to talk to each of you to see if you are worthy of staying on."

"...or just dead wood." I add sarcastically.

"That attitude will get you nowhere, Picard." Bullock comments, "Besides, you could always leave voluntarily."

"I don't intend to!" I answerr sharply.

"So be it." Bullock answers, and switches off the video viewer. Riker comes in.


"What's going on, Captain?" he asks, seeing the ridged furrows of my brow that makes me look like a Klingon.

"We've got trouble, Number One." I tell him, "Big trouble."

To be continued.......

Saturday, December 24, 2011

TWQ:What Will You Do On Christmas Day?

With Christmas almost upon us, TWQ (the Weekend Question) asks how you will be spending the day.

What will you be doing this Christmas?

My answers are:

After opening presents, we lay flowers for my mother then have chicken Cheristmas lunch (I'm not fond of turkey). I'll be sending thank you e mails and making telephone calls, taking a good look at my presents, plus sitting down to enjoy TV or a DVD.

Now it's over to you...

But before I do...

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!!!

Saturday, December 17, 2011

TWQ: Office Christmas Party Rules

This week, TWQ (the Weekend Question) invites others to give useful advice before the office Christmas Party.

Can you think of any useful tips for people before they go to the Office Christmas Party? List as many as you wish.

My answers are:

* Don't tell the boss what you really think of him/her while drunk. You can be sure they will remember that.

* Be careful not to get up to any kissing or whatever behind the stationary cupboard. The cost may well appear nine months late.

* Slapping or squeezing of bottoms is not advisable. Sexual harrassment applies even in an office party.

* Beware if the boss makes advances towards to. Best to suddenly feign illness.

Now it's over to you.....

Monday, December 12, 2011

After The Party

This year, I was determined to wake up after the Enterprise Christmas Party without an enoumous hangover. Before, I've found others like the Borg Queen sitting in my Command Chair looking after things when I got to the Bridge.

Not this time.

"Have these." Bev suggets, giving me a bottle of pills when I wake up in our quarters with a sound noiser than the Notre Dame Cathedral ringing in my ears, "It will completely suppress the hangover you have and return you to normal."

I consume four of them quickly,  and suddeenly feel very different. Alert and bright again.

"Err, Jean-Luc." she says with a worried look, "You were only supposed to have one of those pills. They are largely experimental, we don't know about side effects and..."

"Never mind!" I say, with a spring in my step, "I'm off to look after the Bridge. Wow! I feel so much better now!"

On the way there, I see crewmen staggering around, as if their heads have been hit by a shovel.

When I get to the Bridge,  Riker looks barely awake.

Thomas Riker

"WAKEY, WAKEY, NUMBER ONE!" I yell out ou, laughing. This causes Riker to suddenly shoot up, hold his head in pain and collapse unconsious.

The Borg Queen, in the Command Chair shows surprise.

"Well I am intrigued." she says, "Usually you are too worn out to assume command and have a massive hangover, so I have to run the ship for a while. You are quite different this year."

"That's because I've had these pills, Queenie." I explain, "I feel I've got a fantastic amount of energy and could stay awake for a week."

"Most curious." she comments.

"Yes, so thanks for helping." I tell her, "But we won't need you to command until I recover this year."

"Very well, Jean-Luc." Queenie smiles, as she gets ready to leave., "Just be careful all your energy doesn't burn up in one go. Your body could wear out very soon."

"That's not gonna happ..." I start to say, before I feel my body falling to the floor, and me ready to board a First Class train to the Land of Nod.

I just about hear Queenie sighing as she turns round and goes towards the Command Chair again.

Saturday, December 10, 2011

TWQ: Christmas Changes

This week, TWQ (the Weekend Question) asks how you thinbk Christmas has changed from how it was when you were young.

How has Christmas and the run up to it changed over the years from when you were younger? List as many as you can.

My answers are:

1: Far more secular. So many people are embarrassed to mention it in case it offends minorities.

2: Carol singers in shopping centres are 'moved on' as they get in the way of the shops.

3: Less cards seem to be given out at office and the quality has lessened.

4: The quality of TV programmes are now abysmal on British TV. Instead of all fresh programmes over Christmas, the vast majorirty are repeats, soaps and family Christmas films that no one would watch.

Now it's over to you.....

Wednesday, December 07, 2011

The Enterprise Christmas Party (Part Two)

Guest Poster: Beverly Crusher

No one takes my man away from, me!

The Enterprise Christmas Party had been going well, the usual this and that going on, until the Borg Queen arrived. She has two burly drones with her, who keep me aside while she whisks Jean-Luc on to the dancefloor. He can't do anything about it, and the pair of them have been doing smoochy dances since then.

I have stormed off to my quarters, to get my dress ammunition. Deanna follows me.

"What are you going to do, Bev?" she asks me desperately, "Don't do anything dangerous."

"I'm not going to." I reply, "It's time to break out the Emergency Dress."

" mean...."

"Yes." I say, "If anyone is going to dance with Jean-Luc, it's going to be me."

I free the Emergency Dress from it's wrapping and show it to Deanna. She gasps in amazement.

"Beverly." she comments, when she recovers from the shock, "You can't wear that, It's too short."

"I know," I reply, as I take off my first party outfit and put onthe Emergency Dress "But I'm wearing it all the same."

With it on, I emerge and stride back towards the holographic nightclub. I can tell the crewmen are turning their heads round as they go past.

Finally I walk in and head towards the dancefloor.

The Borg bodyguards look in stunned amazement. Even The Strolling Drones have stopped playing for a few seconds while everyone looks at me.

I walk up to The Borg Queen and Jean-Luc, both who I can tell couldn't believe the outfit I had on. I push the Queen aside and take Jean-Luc in my arms, saying calmly, "Thanks for looking after him, Queenie, I'll be dancing with him from now on."

Queenie has a defeated look on her. I see her say to herself "I can't beat that tonight."

"You must have broken open the Emergency Dress that I've heard so much about." Jean-Luc whispers in my ear as we glide the floor. You look sensational."

I smile as the hours go by. Queenie is forced to dance with Annika who is in her Seven Of Nine consiousness.

The songs the Strolling Bones play from the point I return tend to have a common theme. They play The Mini Skirt Song, Miniskirts In Moscow, Mini Skirts, and also Mascara Miniskirts and Madness.

"I think mini skirts are very much in the Hive Mind right now!" I laugh.

"Merry Christmas, Bev." he says.

"Merry Christmas, Jean-Luc." I answer before we kiss.

Monday, December 05, 2011

The Enterprise Christmas Party (Part One)

"What are THEY doing here." I ask Riker, as the Party is about to begin.

Before Riker can answer, Annika butts in with her Seven Of Nine consiousness.

"The Borg Queen prefers her resident band The Strolling Drones to play in the holographic nightclub, rather than one put together by a computer." she says sniffily.

"Now see here, Seven...." Riker starts to complain.

"It's all right, Will." I tell him, "A live band probably is better, even if they are just Borg drones. If it will keep Queenie placated, then we will go along with it."

The drones set up their instruments. I must say, they look smart in their bow ties and black suits, despite being covered in metal and having an implant over one eye.


Not long after, the guests are starting to pour in. Bev is standing next to me by the piano.

"You look a little tense, Bev." I say to her, "Anything wrong?"

 "No, Jean-Luc." she answers, "I'm just wondering what trick the Borg Queen is going to use to get you away from me so you two can dance all evening."

"Relax, Bev." I tell her, "You and I both have our dance cards full throughout the entire Party...and our names are one each other's"

"Oh, Jean-Luc." see says before kissing me, "You always know what to say."

Worf comes up to me, wearing an evening suit, but still sporting a phaser.

"Excuse me, Captain." he warns me, "I have had warning that the Borg Queen has arrived and will be making her entrance shortly."

"Thank you, Mr Worf." I answer, but before he can say anything, his wife Jadzia Dax whisks him on to the dancefloor where the Okey Cokey is just starting up. Worf looks annoyed at this, and I can lip read his protest to Jadzia that "A Klingon warrior does not do the Okey Cokey!"

Our gay crew officers Lieuternant Britney and T'Pol go over to meet their friends Annette and Amanda, who they met last year. They were the proprieters of the gay bar where the last Enterprise Christmas Party was held.

I do my best not to listen in, but the four of them all talk very loud.

"It's so good to see you two again." Annette says, hugging them, "Thank you for inviting us."

"Well I tried to get the party at your place again, but you-know-who wouldn't let us." Britney answers.

I feel my ears burning at that one.

"The four of us don't get together very often." Amanda adds, "I'm glad you did, "We can get in some serious drinking and dancing done here"

"Absolutely, let's head to the bar." T'Pol comments, "The first round is on us."

"Yeah, what's your favourite?" asks Britney as their voices go out of earshot. Bev nudges me in the ribs as a way of telling me not to eaversdrop.

Suddenly, The Strolling Drones stop their music and play a fanfare of music. Obviously it is to herald the arrival of their leader.

The Borg Queen whisks her way into the holographic nightclub, flanked by two drone guards. She looks around, sees me and heads my way.

The Queen walks up and smiles, ignoring Bev after a cursory greeting and glance. The bodyguards position themselves between me and Bev.

"I'm looking forward to dancing and smooching with you ALL night, Jean-Luc." she quietly says in my ear. As we were lovers when I was assimilated, the Borg Queen has always had designs on me.

"Sorry, Queenie." I answer, "I'm with Bev.".

The Queen looks around, and as Bev is stuck behind the drones, she is not visible. "I see no Bev." Queenie teasingly says, and drags me towards the dancefloor.

While the two of us dance a smoochy number, I see Bev storm off outside, and hear her tell Deanna that she is going to put on an outfit that will put that Queen in the shade.

To be continued.....

Saturday, December 03, 2011

TWQ@ Postal & Phone Spam Solutions

We all get postal and phone b(not computer spam) sent to us. TWQ (the Weekend Question) asks about solutions.

Do you have any tips on how to lessen the amount iof spam that comers through our door, or the phone scams that happen? List as many as you wish.

My answers are:

Phone scams:

* Tell a caller to hold on for a moment, then leave them waiting on the phone.

* Talk in a made-up language

Postal scams

*Refuse to accept mail if the mailman brings it in.

* Return it in an unstamped envelope.

* Rip it up.

Now it's over to you