Thursday, October 30, 2008

Halloween Hunt

"What theme are we doing for this year's Halloween Party?" I ask Bev, "I hope we won't be trawling the holographic Parisian sewers like we did last year, looking for the Phantom of the Opera."

"Relax, Jean-Luc." Bev assures me, "This year we are all going to a holographic smalltown named Haddonfield in Illinois set in the year 1978."

Somehow this makes me feel a little uneasy. I seem to remember something about the name.

"Come on, Jean-Luc." Bev says, dragging me along, "It's a special type of party."

"What do you mean?" I ask, "You mean we're not having a music and dance evening?"

"No." she answers, "We're all going on a hunt."

I change into 20th century garb, as does Bev, and we enter the holodeck

"It looks so authentic." comments Bev. The other senior staff approach.

"This is going to be fun!" exclaims Riker, "You can be sure I'll be the one to catch him!"

"Catch him?" I ask, "Catch who?"

Everybody looks round.

"Beverly." Deanna asks, "Didn't you tell the Captain what we are doing?"

"" admits Bev, "I guess I'll tell him now."

A holographic figure approaches; it's a young girl about seventeen.

"Hello" she says to us all, "I'm Laurie Strode. I think someone is following me. Have you seen anyone?"

Deanna tells her that we haven't, but we will keep a look out. Realisation sets in.

"This is the ste of the Halloween films, isn't it?" I tell them.

"Yes." T'Pol answers, "We're all on the hunt for Michael Myers. The one that gets him gets a day pass on the holodeck."

"Who authorised this?" I ask, knowing it was Riker. He looks a little red-faced.

I sigh.

"All right." I say, "Let's get him."

We all go off our separate ways, armed with phasers ready to polish Myers off


A familiar figure approaches me.

"Have you seen Michael Myers?" I ask.

"He's come home." Dr Loomis says to me, "Michael Myers is pure evil."

"I'm here to kill him." I tell the Doctor.

"Very brave." he says, "But you can't kill the boogeyman!"


The town looks deserted; it seems the only people on the streets are the staff from the Enterprise with their phasers. A little different from the movie.

A scream rings out. Laurie Strode is running across the street, covered in blood. We all dash into the house to be confronted by an evil figure.

Even though it's a hologram, I'm scared out of my wits.

Two phaser beams shoot out from behind me and Myers vanishes.

I look and see Ensign Britney and T'Pol triumphant.

"I guess that's a day in the holodeck for us!" Britney says with a laugh.

"It sure does, Brit." T'Pol answers, "Shall we go to the Paradise Planet Beach Resort?"

"Sounds fabbo, soulsistah!" Britney exclaims.

What a way to spend Halloween!

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

The Artificial Life Forms Convention (Part Two)

Guest Poster: Data

The Doctor is still looking annoyed that his holographic opposite number on the USS Rhode Island chooses to call himself 'Ted' and is a very different personality. Ted informs us that he like soft music and heavy metal, much to the disgust of our Doctor.

The doctors, plus myself, Grell, Vic Fontaine and Seven of Nine are all at the Artificial Life Forms Convention. No carbon based units are allowed. Seven only managed to get in when she disconnected the robot guard.


"There are humans over there." I point out, ""I thought they were not allowed."

"Yes." deduces the Doctor, "They are only employed as servants, to wash the tables and deliver things." I see that the Doctor has a very smug expression when he says that, as if that is the way it is meant to be.

"Hey" says Vic, "What's that going on over there. It looks like a beauty pageant. I should have been compering that."

We all walk over. The robot compere is just about to announce the winner.

"Fellow beings." he announces, "I will now be announcing the result of this years Best Female Artificial Life Form."

"Why was I not told about this?" complains Seven, "I would have won this event easily. Had I not, I would have disconnected the Judges."

I am about to remind Seven that she is not completely an artificial life form and that part of her is human, but refrain as she might switch me off.

The compere continues.

"The Winner is a Miss...Six!"

A blonde woman in a figure-hugging transparent red dress marches on to the stage, looking very pleased with her win.

"Wow!" comments Vic Fontaine, "Is she really an artificial life form? I wouldn't have known."


Ten minutes later, Six is walking around, clutching her trophy. Seven marches up to her.

"You look human to me!" Seven says aggressively, "What are you?"

"I'm a Cylon." Six explains, "We are ultra-sophisticated copies of the human species, unlike the crude joining up of carbon and cyborg elements that the Borg practice."

"We are Borg!" shouts Seven, "Resistance is futile."

"Keep on thinking that, Borg drone." warns Six, "While all the time, the Cylons are working away, taking what is yours."

Seven goes purple with rage, and we all have to restrain her. Then Six sees me.

"Now YOU are far more interesting." she says, "Who and what are you?"

I explain that I am Data, an android created by Dr Noonian Soong.

"Fascinating." comments Six, "You really must come back with me, as you would be an interesting companion to have."

"I must decline." I reply, "I am a Starfleet Officer and have a human girlfriend by the name of Jennifer Baxter."

"A human!" Six exclaims, "You are a traitor to the life form you are. I will see that you come with me in good time."

Six marches off.

"That was scary." Vic comments, "I think we might have a bit of trouble with Six and the Cylons."

"The Borg will annihilate them!" Seven says confidentally.

"Don't be too sure, sweetie." Doctor Ted tells her, "We haven't heard the last of her."

With that, the Convention starts to draw to a close, all of us leave, most of us with more concern then when we came in.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

The Artificial Life Forms Convention (Part One)

Guest Poster: The Doctor

I've been looking forward to this covention. At last a place where artificial life forms can be with our own kind.

I'm going along with Data, Vic Fontaine and Seven of Nine. She demanded to go, although I said that she was an assimilated human named Annika Hansen, and ought not to be allowed to come.

That got her back up.

"I am not human!" she had shouted, "We are Borg!"

Captain Picard urged me to allow her to come along, although I told him she may have difficulty getting through the admission gate.

"Why is it called that, Doctor?" asks Data, pointing to a sign.

I groan.

"Calling it The ALF Convention sounds so derogatory." I say, "It's hardly respectful. I imagine some carbon solid thought of that."

"Loosen up, Doc." says Fontaine, "We're here to enjoy ourselves."

We approach the Entrance, Seven is stopped by the Admission Guard Robot.

"You cannot enter here." he says firmly, "This Convention is for Artificial Life Forms only."

Seven gets angry and quickly pulls the power supply out of his back so that he crumbles to the floor.

"Resistance is futile!" Seven states triumphantly, "We are the Borg."

As we get through, I see lots of Artificial Life Forms that look like me.

"Wow!" says Fontaine, "We'll have to remember we leave with the right one!"

Two figures approach; one is a doctor that looks like me, the other is a green-skinned robot.

"Greetings." he says, "I am Grell, the clockwork robot from the USS Rhode Island, where Wesley Crusher and his wife Karena are assigned. This is our holographic doctor."

"Pleased to meet you." I reply, shaking hands with myself.

"Would you mind winding me up?" Grell asks Data, while carrying a giant key, "It will keep me going for the next thirty minutes. I hate to run down while in conversation. I sometimes miss the end of a good joke."

"What's your name?" the Rhode Island holographic doctor asks me.

"I never really thought of one." I answer, "So I just use Doctor."

"How boring!" he replies, "I thought at first of Bill, but people might think I was a Quack Doctor! Geddit! Bill, duck, quack?"

He pokes me in the ribs as he laughs. What is wrong with his programming?

"Anyway." he continues, "I settled for Ted."

I wince.

"Do you like opera?" I ask him.

"No way, man." answers Ted, "No offence, but that's way too starchy for me. I like to hang loose, listening to soft music or heavy metal."

I shudder.

"Actually." comments Fontaine drily, "I think we'll be able to tell them apart. Now let's enjoy the Covention."

To be continued...

Saturday, October 25, 2008

TwQ: Midnight Scary Movie

With Halloween coming, TWQ (The Weekand Question) asks about the scary movies that come up around this time.

What movies will you find scary to watch if you view them at midnight with all the lights off on Halloween? List as many as you wish, and why they are scary.

My answers are:

* A horror film I haven't seen before...not knowing what will happen next.

* Ju-On (The Grudge)...the Japanese make such creepy horror movies.

* Audition....this Japanese film starts as a love story before the final half hour descends into unimaginable horror and gore.

Now it's over to you...

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Beverly On Spacebook

Guest Poster: Beverly Crusher

It's been fun since I set up my computer account on Spacebook!

People from all over the galaxy are setting up and chatting to each other. In truth, iut breaks down barriers a lot more than a roomful of Starfleet diplomats ever could.

When they do meet officially, the first thing they usually say is that they've already met them on Spacebook.

Naturally, I have Jean-Luc as one of my friends. When we want to arrange a secret date, we set it up by conversing on a Spacebook message!

There are all sorts of frustrating games. I win one or two, but what is exasperating is that one Spacebook Friend always wins against me!

This friend is anonymous, has no other friends and intrigues me. I suppose I ought to block it, but I can't as my desire to win is too strong. I want to beat her!...presuming it is a she.

I visit Data, who knows a lot about computer technology. He might be able to help.

"I am curious, Doctor." he says, "Why is it so important to find out the identity of your Spacebook Friend?"

"It's something that is important, Data." I say. I wish he had his emotion chip turned on.

Data analyses the computer when I am on MirrorMirror's account. That's the name of the Friend.

"This is interesting." he says, "My analysis shows that MirrorMirror's origin is on a spaceship called Dominatrix."

"So that's it!" I say, "MirrorMirror is Captain Beverly Howard, the evil duplicate of me from the female-dominated mirror universe. No wonder she always wins. She can guess what I'm going to do next."

I set up a game of ChallengeChess with her, but in this instance, I create all sorts of illogical moves.

"This will confuse her!" I say to myself.

The gameplay veers, and eventually, I win.

I send a message.

Greetings, Captain Beverly Howard,

Now I know who you are, I can win easily. Don't bother to call back, as your signal will be blocked from all Spacebook messages in the galaxy from now on. It will leave you very isolated.

Best Wishes,

The one and only Beverly Crusher.

I think that's one up to me!

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

The Captain's Portrait (Part Three)

Guido the artist is in the holographic studio, about to start on my portrait. As all Starfleet Captains have this done to line the halls at HQ, it is now my turn.

I put my chest out, trying to look distinguished and impotant. I realise my dress shirt uniform needs adjusting and perfor 'The Picard Manouvre'.

"Do not keep moving Captain!" shouts an exasperated Guido, "How can I be expected to create my piece de resistance if you can't keep still?"

"Sorry." I answer, "Guido, how long will it take to paint me?"

"Well, Captain." he answers, "If Starfleet had paid me a lot, it would be an intense study conducted over many sittings that would have revealed the image behind the man, and would have taken many days. As Starfleet haven't paid much, I probably can real this off in about half an hour."

I sigh. Riker enters.

"Captain!" he exclaims, "We are under attack from the Vorash. You're needed on the Bridge."

"I'd better go and..." I say, then see Guido scream.

"Err...Number One." I say, "See if you can handle it. The event will be good training for you."

Riker goes off, shaking his head.


Half an hour later, Riker returns to say that the Vorash attack has been quashed.

"Well done, Number One." I tell him.

"It is finished!" exclaims Guido, "Truly, this is a masterpiece, one of true greatness."

"Let's have a look!" I say, as Riker and I rush to see the result.

"Is it not truly a vision of wonder?" Guido says with pride, "People will look in awe at this."

"They'll do that all right!" replies Riker with a laugh, "Alexander does better ones in the school art class!"

"What's this?" I ask angrily, "Is this what will be representing me in Starfleet Headquarters?"

"You are both amateurs!" Guido says with disgust, "Naturally, you have no concept of art. You probably thought that Emin Tracey's Walayan Wart Hog in a Vat of Acid was not brilliant either."

"That's right." we both answer.

Guido picks up his easel in disgust and asks to leave this ship of artistic neanderthals as soon as possible.


After he's gone, we all look at the picture.

"Maybe we're not seeing the picture in the right way?" Bev comments.

"You may be right." I reply, and turn the picture so that we are looking at the back of the canvas, all blank.

"MUCH better!" we exclaim.


Editor's Note:

I'm indebted to Amanda for presenting me with this wonderful Award.

Thanks, Amanda!

Sunday, October 19, 2008

The Captain's Portrait (Part Two)

At last, the day has come when the artist will beam on to paint my portrait!

A few days ago, Starfleet told me they had commissioned someone to paint me, as all the Captains are in the halls of the San Francisco Headquarters already have them.

It's a bit overdue, if you ask me.

James T Kirk has one, typically surrounded by two scantily-clad women.

For some reason, the crew keep thinking I'll be posing without any clothes on. I had to issue a ship-wide bulletin telling them I'll be in my official Captain's uniform.


Riker, Bev, Deanna and myself go to Transporter Room One to greet the artist. He beams on.

"Hello." I say, "I an Captain Jean-Luc Picard." I then go into the usual greetings spiel that I do for all the visitors.

"Ah!!" he exclaims, looking at me, "You are my subject! For you Captain, I shall create my masterpiece, the crowning point in my career! I am Guido. I can feel the pulse of creativity going through my veins."

I can sense that Bev and Deanna are trying hard to supress giggles. Riker has a smug grin on his face.

"Shall we go to the studio?" I ask, "I have created a holodeck program that looks like an artist's studio."

"Excellent!!" Guido replies, waving his arms, "My paints are eager to touch the canvas,"

I cough in order to keep a straight face.


The five of us arrive at the studio.

"This is magnifique!" Guido says in a pseudo-French accent. I think he adopts different accents as the mood takes him.

"Shall we get started, Guido?" I ask, "Where would you like me to sit?"

"Firstly," he says, "You need to remove your clothes."

It's too much for Bev, Riker and Deanna, who collapse in fits of laughter. Guido looks disgusted.

"Look, Guido." I tell him firmly, "I don't know why everybody seems to have this idea about clothes. I shall be painted in my official dress uniform."

"Very well." Guido replies, "If you wish it to be done that way."

"We'll leave you now, Jean-Luc" Bev says.

"Au revoir, Madame." Guido says to Bev, "Perhaps later I can paint you au naturel?"

"That's NOT going to happen!" I say firmly.

"That is too bad." Giudo comment, "The Betazed Ambassador found it very enjoyable."

Deanna chokes at this news.

"You mean you've painted MY mother without any....? she tries to say.

"Indeed, madamoiselle." he confirms, "Lwaxana Troi likes the result and has it on the wall."

"It had better not be there the next time I visit." she mutters.

With that, the three leave the studio, leaving just Guido and myself.

"Well, Captain." Guido says, looking at me, "It's time to start painting."

To be continued...

Saturday, October 18, 2008

TWQ: Dancing Partners

With so many dancing programmes around, TWQ (The Weekend Question) takes a look.


Thanks to Bilbo for the above picture.

Who you you pick as two partners in a dancing programme like Dancing With The Stars (USA) or Strictly Come Dancing (UK)? Be as weird as you like, or pick as many!

My answers are:

Well, Beverly Crusher is a good dancer, so she and the Captain would be fine!

Naturally, the above picture would be great as well!

Now it's over to you...

Thursday, October 16, 2008

The Captain's Portrait (Part One)

Right now, I'm in a conversation with Admiral Harriman over the video viewer in my Ready Room.

"So, Picard." he continues, "It has come to our attention that such a err... veteran Captain like yourself does not have his portrait in the Starfleet corridors"

"Indeed, sir." I say, feeling elated, "Are you going to have my portait painted?"

"Yes, Picard." I say, "We'll be sending someone along shortly. A proper artist, so make sure you look your best."

"Yes sir, yes, sir." I say in my most grovelly voice, "Where do you think the portrait will go?"

"Probably near the men's washroom." he replies, "We haven't got a lot of space left."


I leave the ready room. Bev is nearby.

"Guess what, Bev." I tell her, "Starfleet are coming here to paint my portrait."

She giggles.

"Are you going to keep your clothes on, Jean-Luc?" she says, laughing.

"Of course I am." I answer indignantly, "It's an official portrait to hang at Starfleet Headquarters."

I go over to the Bridge and inform Riker that he will have to take the helm while I have my portrait painted.

"Are you keeping your clothes on, Captain?" he asks.

What? Is this a conspiracy?

I get on the communication system that broadcasts to the entire ship.

"Attention all hands." I say, "I will be having my portrait painted shortly. Before you ask, yes, I WILL be keeping my clothes on!"


A few hours later I get word that the painter is here. I rush to the Transporter Room to welcome him.

A figure beams on, carrying a can of paint and a brush.

"Which part of the ship needs painting, Captain? he asks.

I groan.

"It seems there has been a mix-up." I tell him.

Riker enters and informs me that the main bathroom needs painting, so he called for the painter.
"The artist who will be painting your picture won't arrive for another couple of days." Riker tells me.

I wonder who it will be?

This story continues after the TWQ...

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

The USS Rhode Island (Part Two)

Guest Poster: Erika Hernadez

Commander Mark Hathaway's latest seduction techniques on me were interrupted fortunately when the Ensigns Karena and Wesley Crusher came to inform us that all the cew on the Bridge of our ship, the USS Rhode Island were unconsious.

"Ensign Crusher." I ask, "You didn't accidently let off the anaesthetic gas again did you? I told you not to touch that."

"No, Captain." he says firmly, "It wasn't me this time."

"Very well." I answer, "Let's go and see what has happened."

I'm beginning to see why Captain Picard was so relieved that Wesley was assigned here, rather than the Enterprise when he graduated from Starfleet Academy.

On our way there, we see that other crew members are out cold. We are the only four still consious.

"I don't get it." Hathaway exclaims, "Why were we unaffected?"

"Wesley and I were swimming in a holodeck program, so infected air did not reach us." Karena explains, "As for yourself and the Commander, I cannot explain it."

I go red, and Mark winks at me, as we know that the reason was probably the air exchanged in lip contact during that kiss. Now I know why I felt dizzy.

When we reach the Bridge, the crew are all out.

"I thought Lietenant Commander Grell might still be going." Hathaway says, "He must have wound down."

"We'd better wind him up so he can tell us what happened." I reply.

Grell is our third in command. He is a clockwork robot, which means that every half hour, someone has to get the giant key put it in his back and wind him up for another thirty minutes.

"Greeting's Captain Hernandez." Grell says when he is ready again.

"What happened, Grell?" Hathaway asks.

"Alas, Commander" Grell answers, "I was just about ready for my latest wind-up when members of the Bridge started falling over. I was about to summon you when I started slowing down."

"It looks like we may be invaded soon, Captain." Karena says.

"Indeed it might, Ensign." I answer, "But we have a surprise for them."

A slight beaming-in shimmer starts to appear, and we lie down, pretending to be affected. I see two particularly ugly-looking aliens.

"Excellent, Bleem." one says to the other, "The teleport knockout gas worked well. Let's imprison them before they wake up."

"Too late!" I say, leaping up, and attack with a phaser. It has no effect.

"Those energy weapons have been rendered useless by the field we imposed around your ship." Bleem laughs, "You cannot stop us!"

"I don't know about that!" Karena says, and with amazonian anger, she hurtles her spear at Bleem. He is ventilated, and hung on the wall like a picture.

The other alien looks panic stricken, adjusts a button on his wrist and both of them vanish.


About twenty minutes later, the crew have all revived.

"Well done, Ensign." I say to Karena. She and Wesley might be welcome to the Rhode Island after all.

"Any chance of that Sondoran Beach Program now, Erika." Mark whispers in my ear.

Though I am forced to say no, inside I would love to!

Sunday, October 12, 2008

The USS Rhode Island (Part One)

Guest Poster: Erika Hernandez

As Captain of the USS Rhode Island, I've got to be discreet in how I handle relations. Commander Mark Hathaway always says he wants to be forgiven for the indescetion he had with the female Maravian Ensign.

And the Trill Ensign.

And the Bajoran Ensign.

I have to accept that Mark always has a roving eye, and he likes to see the females that are on board. With James T Kirk, as his idol, he is trying to better his total.

Mark enters my Ready Room.

"Hello, Erika." he says, "Any chance of a quiet dinner tonight, then a walk along the beach in the Sondoran holographic program?"

He moves closer and gives me a long kiss on the lips. I start to feel dizzy, but recover.

"Mark...I mean Commander." I say, "You must address me by my rank and not be so familar. I am your Captain."

"That's not what you said the other night after we had that Klingon bloodwine." he replies, "We certainly didn't act like a Captain and Commander then!"

I cough, as I recall all the incidents.

"Well, that's because you gave me too much to drink." I answer, "You said that the matter would not be discussed again."

"Sure, sure." he comments with a suggestive smile, "I didn't know you had a tattoo THERE, of all places."

I go red in the face, and the conversation is fortunately halted by the arrival of the two young married Ensigns, Wesley Crusher and his wife, the amazon Karena.

"Were we interrupting anything?" Karena asks, "I was unaware that you and the Commander had a personal relationship."

"We do not!" I answer quickly, blushing even more, "I was merely going over this latest crew reports. What is it you require, Ensign?"

"I went up to the Bridge." she answers, "The crew there are all unconsious."

To be continued...

Saturday, October 11, 2008

TWQ: TV Spending Cutbacks

With all the financial problems, television may have to budget a little. TWQ (The Weekend Question) looks at how.

Can you suggest some ways that television might be able to cut down on running costs? Be as surreal and as funny as you wish!

My answers are:

* The news anchor reads from the paper.

* The sports coverage is done with a mobile phone.

* A historical drama is done with the actors in jeans.

Now it's over to you...

Thursday, October 09, 2008

700th Post!

Well, here we are, we've made it on to my 700th Post!

It is three and a half years ago when it all started out in April 2005, and all the members have gone their own ways.

Some newcomers might be a bit confused with what goes on, so I thought for this 7ooth post, we ought to look at them and see what they do:

Jean-Luc Picard: The beleagued Captain of the Enterprise who has to put up with everything else. In a discreet relationship with Doctor Beverly Crusher.

William Riker: Second in command. Has an unhealthy liking for donuts and is in a not-so-discreet relationship with Counselor Deanna Troi.

Thomas Riker: Duplicate of William Riker, created in a transport accident. Now a member of the Maquis.

Beverly Crusher: Chief Medical Officer and Captain's girlfriend.

Deanna Troi: Betazed Counselor and Riker's girlfriend.

Lwaxana Troi: Overbearing mother of Deanna Troi. Ambassador for home planet of Betazed.

Wesley Crusher: Disater-prone son of Beverley Crusher. Has recently got married to Amazon Karena. Both are serving on the USS Rhode Island

Karena: Wife of Wesley. She sees him as a Life Servant, there to do her bidding. Deadly with a spear. Comes from the planet of the Amazons, Wondawowman.

Queen Diana: Queen of the Amazons on Wondawowman, mother of Karena.

Nexa: Mischievous sister of Karena.

Captain Erika Hernandez: Captain of the USS Rhode Island

Commander Mark Hathaway: Second in Command on USS Rhode Island. Is overfamiliar with Hernandez.

Elizabeth Shelby:

Highly ambitious Starfleet Officer, determined to get to the top.

Guinan: El-Aurian bartender on the Enterprise.

Vic Fontaine: A holographic singer, created in the Enterprise nightclub named The Sands. Co-run by Fontasine and Guinan. The two have a discreet relationship.

Data: Third in command on the Enterprise. An advanced android.

Jennifer Baxter:

Ensign who is Data's girlfriend. A highly skilled fighter.

Lore: An evil duplicate of Data, also created by Dr Noonian Soong.

Geordi LaForge: Engineer on the Enterprise. Best friend of Data.

Trisha Lewis: Ensign, Geordi's girlfriend.

Luthor Sloan: Agent/Director of Section 31, a secret police group operating within Starfleet, and is accountable to no one.

Captain Beverly Howard: An evil copy of Beverly Crusher that comes from a parallel universe where women reign supreme.

Jadzia Dax: Trill Lieutenant and girlfriend of Lieutenant Worf.

Lieutenant Worf: Klingon Security Officer, father of Alexander.

Alexander: Son of Worf.

Ro Laren: Ensign who has been torn between the Federation and the Maquis. Girlfriend to Gul Vorak.

Gul Vorak: Cardassian Ambassador who is in a relationship with Ro Laren. As the two races are supposed to despise each other, they are doing everything they can to keep it secret.

Ensign Britney.

Ensign from Delta, where all citizens are bald. Constantly gets into trouble and is always in the brig. Close friend of T'Pol.

T'Pol: Comes from the 'official' mirror universe. Was in suspended animation for over 200 years. Best friends with Britney.

Seven of Nine: Borg drone placed on the Enterprise by the Borg Queen in order to learn more about human behaviour.

The Borg Queen: Controller of Borg Cube Unimatrix 01. She is Seven of Nine's leader.

The Alpha Borg Queen: Leader of the entire Borg race. Has taken it upon herself to invite herself to the Enterprise Christmas Party this year.

Borg Queen Troi: Comes from a parallel universe that is overrun by the Borg. She is essentially what Deanna Troi would be if she were assimilated. She is leader of Borg Cube Unimatrix 02 and believes the 01 Queen and the others are too soft. Vows to get us all, especially Deanna.

Annika Hansen: What Seven of Nine is really like in the Unimatrix Zero society. A place where Borg can live as their former cells if they have the recessive gene while regenerating. Their Borg selves know nothing of the secret life. Is currently serving as joint-Mayor.

Axum: Annika's former lover, who left her, and ran against her in the Mayoral elections in Unimatrix Zero. Joint Mayor.

Vi Toran: The Bajoran in Unimatrix Zero who Axum left Annika for.


Crotchety gardener at Starfleet Academy.

Ambassador Spock: Aged Vulcan who still serves with the Federation.

Holographic Doctor: The Emergency Medical Hologram that serves on the Enterprise. Has a bad temper, thinks he should do more important things. Has a taste for opera.

Q: A being from the Q Continuum who loves to cause as much annoyance as possible.


I hope that's cleared up some who might wonder who these particular characters are when you visit.

Thanks to all those who have visited. Not just now, but in the past.

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

First Contact (Part Two)

So now we're in the slammer!

Riker, Deanna and I went down to the planet Savenia to establish First Contact, due to them attaining warp drive status.

However, they are rather defensive, and saw us as invading aliens. The police force have quickly thrown us in the jail until they can figure out what to do.


"Can't the Enterprise beam us out, Captain?" Deanna asks me, "That would solve a lot of problems."

"That's not possible." I reply, "A major ion storm has since developed over the city."

"Well I haven't eaten for ages!" complains Riker, "I actually missed my donut this morning because I thought we would get a welcome dinner from these people. I won't do that again."

"Just let's hope there IS a next time, Number One."

I hear the sound of footsteps approach; a tough policeman stands outside.

"All right!" he barks, "When is it?"

"When's what?" I ask, knowing he isn't referring to the date of my birthday.

"The invasion, of course." he answers, "I want to know when you aliens are going to launch an all-out attack on our planet."

"I tried to tell your people before." I try to tell him, "The United Federation of Planets is a peaceful group that want to invite you to join as you have achieved warp-drive status."

"Then you have been spying on us!" he counters.

"No." steps in Deanna, "Just observing you, trying to see when you will be ready to contact."

"You are even more deadlier than we thought!" the policeman says, "As we never saw you watching us, we are in great danger. Unless you tell us the invasion date, you will be executed!"

He storms off.

"It looks like we haven't got much hope, Captain." Riker answers, "What shall we do?"

I sigh.

"It looks like we may have to break a few Starfleet rules here, Number One." I tell him, "And that includes bending the Prime Directive to breaking point.

I use my ComBadge to contact the Enterprise, giving Data instructions about what to do and when. The communication is weak due to the ion storm, but he gets it.

"Are you sure this is wise, Captain." Deanna asks me.

"Yes, Counselor." I reply, "Right now, the Saveneans are in no mood to talk to outsiders. Hopefully in a few years they will change. For the moment, we have to save ourselves."

We look out of the window, up at the sky. Here it comes.

Phaser bursts from the Enterprise are exploding all over the main city, with the citizens running in droves. I can here people shouting "The invaders are here!"

A shuttlecraft circles around, shooting harmless lasers to send everybody into hiding.

We stand back in the jail as a phaser bolt hits the wall and destroys it. We run out and get in the shuttlecraft.


Later, I am back in the Enterprise, enjoying my Earl Grey. Deanna enters.

"Are you sure that was the right way to go about that, Captain?" she asks, "There may be repercussions from Starfleet."

"Indeed there may, Deanna." I reply, "But when one is dealt a poor hand, they have to use the ace that is hidden up their sleeve".

Editor's Note:

This is the 699th post. Be sure to see the 700th post, published 17:30 British Time on Thursday.

Sunday, October 05, 2008

First Contact (Part One)

It seems all I do is play diplomat nowadays.

I'd rather be zapping a few aliens who are invading, but that's not the Starfleet way. Captain Kirk in the 23rd Century used to have the 'shoot first, ask questions later' approach. It was deemed far to archaic. He'd be put in the brig nowadays for that, and for his approach to women.

They'd sue him for harassment for one thing. The red shirts would, if there were any alive, as they always got sent on the risky missions.

Still, I digress.

It's First Contact time, and we've been alerted that a new race, the Saveneans, have recent achieved warp drive status. It means we can announce ourselves, and invite them to the Federation.

Myself, Riker and Deanna are beaming down to Savenia.

We find ourselves in the city square. People look around and I get ready for the speech.

"Greetings, citizens of Savenia." I start, "I am Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the Starship Enterprise. I am welcom..."

"ALIENS!!" shouts one citizen, "Sound the alarm!"

"But, sir." Deanna tries to say, as everybody runs in different directions.

Suddenly, a deafening warning siren is played out all over the city.

"I think they've been expecting us." Riker comments drily, "I suggest we take our leave."

"Nonsense, Number One." I assure him, "Naturally, these people haven't seen an alien before and are just a little concerned. We just need to reassure them that we are friendly."

"That could be difficult, Captain." Deanna says, "The Saveneans seem highly sensitive to outside forces."

A group of figures dressed in black rush up to us. Experience would suggest this is not a welcoming party.

"Those are the invading aliens who plan to destroy our world and enslave our people." says one of the citizens."

"That's not true." I reply desperately, "We are from the United Federation of Planets, and we are offering you membership as you have attained warp drive status."

"So you admit you are aliens?" says the leader in black.

"Err...well, yes." I concede, "But we are not unfriendly."

"Take them away!" he orders, "We may be able to use them as hostages against the invading armies. Other than than we will destroy them as a warning to any other aliens."

Right now, I'm thinking whoever invented First Contact must have been out of their mind!

To be continued...

Editor's Note:

The answer to the Bonus Question on the TWQ was 'Last Of The Summer Wine'.

This is the 698th Post. Be sure to see the 700th on Thursday post (17:30 British time)

Saturday, October 04, 2008

TWQ: Subjects To Avoid

This week, TWQ (The Weekend Question) asks what you avoid talking about with friends.

What subjects do you avoid discussing when meeting and out with your friends, as it might cause a row between them? Are there any you avoid with just one friend?

My answer is:

Politics are always top of the list to avoid. It is the most divisive of subjects, and no matter how much it is argued or discussed, people will never change their viewpoints, so it's best for all not to bring it up.

Now it's over to you...

Plus.....a Bonus Question:

What is the longest running situation comedy series on tv?

Clue: It's been going since 1973 and is still on now. No looking at the internet!

I'll reveal it in the comments when someone gets it, and in the next post.

Thursday, October 02, 2008

Section 31 Annual Conference (Part Two)

Guest Poster: Agent Luthor Sloan

Now it's timeo walk out on to the stage at the Section 31 Annual Conference and make my speech to the members as Director of the secret Intelligence force that operates within Starfleet.

I hope I don't get distracted. I few moments earlier, I was introduced to two gorgeous new female recruits named Agent J and Agent K. They have a hypnotic stare that can reduce any man to a quivering jelly.

I approach the lectern and get my speech ready.

Quickly, I look around, hoping that the women are not visible so I can speak without a problem.

Everything seems alright until I notice there are two empty seats in the front row. Sure enough, J and K are walking towards them.

Oh no!!

There's no use. I'll hasve to go through the speech and try not to look at them.

"Members of Section 31." I start, "You have a fine body....I mean you are a fine body of women...and men."

It's started. I look at Agent J.

It's no use; she and Agent K are both staring at me.

K gives me a sly, but slow wink..

I drop my speech on to the floor.

There are a few murmers from the assembled Section 31 members in the audience. Some must be beginning to think if I am the Director or the warm-up comedian.

"Sorry about that." I say, "Now getting back to my speech. Section 31 has a duty in keeping Starfleet on it's toes. Without us, they would be a blonde....I mean bland insipid group. We must continue to implement our members and policies into the highest reaches of Starfleet. There must be no lips....I mean lapse, and all work together."

At this, J and K both blow me a kiss. A fall over the lectern and it all crashes down on the stage.

I limp off, and Agent V goes on to the stage to thank me for an illuminating speech.

"Very good, Director" Agent V says afterward, "Quite memorable."

Was he being sarcastic?